Sometimes I feel stretched thin by the rate of my healing. I cracked open the rotten egg and now, as fast as I sop up the putrid stuff that pours out, more comes. I really am in the thick of it, this is what happens during the healing process. I wasn't sure what was coming, as you may remember from prior posts, I just knew something was. It surely has arrived.
Yesterday I had a whole blinding series of revelations on the way up into Indiana. Sometimes I would turn to Keith and say something, or just catch his eye so he wouldn't be alarmed by the otherwise intense silence beside him.
My mother had a dream last night; she dreamed that she and I were hunting monsters. We were in a dormitory in the night, amid rows of sleeping children. From somewhere in the dark we heard a bone chilling growl.
We knew a living monster was near at hand and we were terrified. But despite the terror, we went down the rows of children, throwing back the sheets to look. In the very last bed was a very small child and when we threw back the sheet, there was a monster writhing on the bed and sheer horror of it woke my mom up.
And that is exactly what I am doing. Despite the bone shaking terror, I am throwing back the sheets to find the monster. Because I have the courage to do this, my own children will be free from even his shadow. My mother could not help but pass on the bad beliefs her abuse had taught her, but now she and I will break the pattern of shame and fear. It won't be carried on to the next generation.
In the meantime, normal life goes on as well. I have made a coleslaw and am in the pursuit of a good chicken wing recipe. I bought a dress pattern, celadon green cotton and thread, a zipper and hooks and eyes. So I am ready to tackle the next step in my sewing hobby.
Operation Early Riser so far has been a no go, but mostly because it was the weekend and this morning it was dark and gloomy and I lost an hour of sleep due to the time change. Maybe tomorrow it will be sunny.
