Well, the verdict is in...I'm officially a crazy person.
Just kidding! Though I did try and make coffee this morning without adding any water, so...
There's something so anxious making about sitting in a therapists waiting room. What guilty secrets will be pried from one's dark little soul in the next few minutes? I sat with my purse in my lap, reading all the inspirational posters that liberally bedecked the walls.
"Success!" announced one. "What's behind your anger?" darkly questioned another.
I could hear a garble of indistinct voices from one room, only half hidden by a small noise maker. It sounded intense, whatever was happening. Eventually the door burst open and three people tumbled out. With a jab of sheer terror I recognized my soon to be therapist: she was horribly young, very direct and intense.
No way, I said to myself. No way in hell is that going to be my therapist. I prefer the round, motherly types. That's exactly the type I had before. Ah, Denise, my old therepist! With her cups of tea, plush, deathly quiet office and warmly curling auburn hair.
But there was no escape.
The first therapy session is all about getting to know you and all the wonderful things that went in to making you you. This can be completely exhausting and time consumming. Every time I recount my colorful past I wonder briefly how I survived. Even the therapists, who have heard it all and then some, get wide eyed as I go from episode to episode.
"Gird your loins," they write on their pad, or their own particular version of the sentiment.
I should be more serious for a moment though and say that others really have had it much, much worst than I. Some people's abusers were their own parents. Every time I think of these people and the strength it must take to heal from that, it shakes me to the core. I, on the other hand and due to the grace of God, have parents who are my strongests and most intuitive supports in the healing process.
During the getting to know you process, I got to know my therapist as well. She is exactly my own age, married and trying to get pregnant. She's down to earth, accepting and positive and I like her. I like the idea of working with a therapist without the authority figure element.
Unfortunately, she's never used the internal family systems model of therapy. I used this model almost exclusively with my other therapist and with great success. Also, she isn't qualified to use EMDR, which is an excellent mode of dealing with trauma memories. She's mostly focused on behavioral therapy. These are some fairly large draw backs.
On the other hand, I'm not in the same place that I was three or so years ago. I may or may not need EMDR, since I have no idea at this point if I'll be triggering any memories. If so, she said she would refer me to someone who specialized in this technique. It would be strange, I think, to jump from one therapist to another at that point in the therapy. Usually it's very intense and takes a few weeks of preparation before starting EMDR. So it might be awkward and counterproductive. Or it could work, or I might not even need it. Hard to say.
Still, I left the office with that familiar combination of incredible relief and that particular light headed exhaustion that comes from not eating and digging around in the past. Right off the bat, she knew and empathized with exactly my fears and emotions around pregnant and motherhood; her matter of fact acceptance and assertion that almost everyone with an abuse history has similar struggles was so liberating. That alone was worth going for.
So I guess I'll stick with her and use a more goal focused behavior model of therapy and see where it goes. She said she will read up on the IFS model. Since that particular model is self led and because I'm experienced in using it, it's possible that all she would need to do is have the general knowledge enough to guide me when I get stuck and stay clear when I'm going full steam. If anything changes, or if memories are triggered, we can reevaluate. All in all, I feel pretty good about the whole thing.
