Internet, sweet Internet!
How thy vibrant electronic siren song
so seduces my curious heart and draws
the commerce of the whole wide world
into my humble home and wandering eye!
Never, never again withdraw from me
your heavenly hosts of data and display!
I remain ever your humble and loving servant,
me
So, as you can see, I was Internet-less for about three days. In that time, desperate for information, I watched a great deal too much TV. I already do watch too much, not to mention it was no substitute.
Now I'm back, but with AT&T. For a company that I do not like, I sure am using a lot of its services.
There is a mandatory FRG meeting tonight. As you know, if you've been following my blogging for a while, I do not attend FRG meetings. Keith offered me the choice to do so or not, but he highly recommended the choice of not.
Being the shy and retiring creature that I am, not appeared an excellent choice. Though I have often wondered what they are like and felt sometimes like only a pseudo Army wife, what with not living on post and never attending an FRG. Also, I'm really bad at care packages.
Anyway, Keith and I are attending this meeting. I am experiencing pre meeting anxiety and already mentally trying on every clothing combination my closet offers me. I will let you all know how it goes. And what I wore.
In other news, I have purchased the dress pattern, two and a half yards of peach eyelet and peach cotton, thread and a sixteen inch zipper and have begun the process of sewing the dress all over again, in a size 10.
Also, I missed my last therapy appointment. It was the Monday after Easter, which we had spent up in Indiana with Keith's family. It was Keith's brother's last weekend before he deployed; he is in the Air Force Reserves. Consequently, Keith wished to stay late and live it up with his boy that night.
That is how it came to be that at midnight, I was driving the two and a half ton diesel pick up down the winding roads of Indiana with two well lit military boys living it up in the back. Once we got to my brother in law's house, we collapsed in their spare bedroom for a few hours and then drove back home in the early morning hours, still wearing our Easter finery, much the worst for wear and very gritty eyed.
So I told the therapist's office that I wasn't feeling well and couldn't come in. The truth is, I've been pretty well and contentedly stuck for the past few weeks. The initial agony of processing faded and I was just left in this middle place.
Since then, I actually started doing what I knew I needed to be doing in the first place; which is re-parenting the inner child; I'm relearning basic lessons that went wrong the first time around. I do this by a lot of specific internal dialogue. A great deal of it has to do with image, personal boundaries and coping skills.
The immediate result of all this has been, unexpectedly, this incredible joy and wonder at my life. It's as though a part of myself came out of the dark to the reality of where I'm now. I've walked into my kitchen and thought, "Holy cow, I have a real life kitchen! A beautiful kitchen! Well organized and well maintained. How do I do this? How am I managing this? This is awesome."
It's the same with my husband. I have fallen so in love with that man in these last few days I can't even find words to express the wonder of it. How did I know to choose him? It's incredible to me that I have this man so intimately wound up in my life, so integral to it.
I guess I feel like a child again, but with all the perks of being an adult. I'm filled with a thirst for and wonder at life. I want to eat lobster and fruit and pizza, I want to go see the places I see on TV, I want to be in the commercials, to sit at the cafes I see there, to live in the beautiful houses. I want to sit on the couch and make out with my husband; I want to pounce on him the moment he comes in the door from work.
I can't believe that I'm thirty two years old. Yesterday, for a moment, I couldn't remember if I was thirty two or thirty three and the idea of being thirty three was terrifying to me. Because that would mean turning thirty four this fall. Horrors.
But thirty two, I don't mind that. It's like being twenty two, only with more money, more self knowledge and better toys. I wish I could stay thirty two forever.
