Kentucky is seasonally confused at the moment. In fact, I think Kentucky spends much of the year being seasonally confused and/or weather challenged.
Right now, for example, it's started up with spring. This state is so convinced of spring time's advent that the greens on the golf course are actually green. I expect at any moment for daffodils to pop up, all expectant and happy go lucky, only to be dumped on by three inches of snow. (Three inches in Kentucky is equal to a foot in New England. It's cause for everyone to run to the store for cola and caramel pecan buns.)
My project for today, the first day of 2011, is to take down the Christmas decorations. I always enjoy that, it's a good feeling to pull down all that clouds and clutters, to make way for the openness of a new year.
January 2nd
The Christmas decorations are down and carefully packed away. I love how we slowly gather a little bit more each year, but still have the same few we started with. I wonder if years from now we'll still be using the cheap set of silver ornaments I bought that first Christmas from Walmart? Probably.
The house is full of natural light now. It's full of empty spaces, stretches of oatmeal colored rug and polished wood. I'm going to continue to de clutter and re organize. I took all the decorations off the old Christmas wreath to reveal the lovely bones of the thing, twisted twigs that spiral out at the edges. That's hanging at the front door.
Keith heads back to work day after tomorrow. He's not looking forward to it, as he's mission commander of another months long training cycle. It'll be twelve hours on, twelve off.
But oh, I confess, I am longing for normal life to resume again. I love to have the whole long, empty day, I love to watch the seasons slowly change on my afternoon walks and I love to have dinner ready for my weary soldier when he comes through the door.
This is the best part of the year, when the days slowly get longer and the light lingers in the sky. This year, we're moving to GA. This year we're going to start pursuing adoption. In fact, this month we are officially putting money away, money that we'll use for the home study and application fees.
It's a delightful feeling. I know we're months and months away from having our baby, but we are starting the first few steps toward that moment. I've been doing a lot of researching into trans racial adoption, as we are going to be adopting a child of African American heritage.
This wasn't an immediate decision, we just assumed, at first, that we would be adopting a Caucasian child, because one just normally assumes one's child to look like oneself. But then, when we thought about fost/adopt, we realized that it would be years if we really, truly wanted a Caucasian child, but on the other hand, there were many AA children who needed homes.
So we switched our assumptions. After all, if a child is not connected biologically to one, then physical appearance alone has no meaning. At least, it seems that way to me. I started to imagine a little dumpling of a girl, about fifteen or eighteen months, with large, guarded eyes, chocolate skin and frizzy hair being presented to me one night, suddenly, by a social worker. I fell in love with this girl.
I thought about how I could celebrate her heritage while at the same time giving her the freedom and confidence to be her own person. I thought about little things like black and white barbie dolls and large things like an African American church we'd be attending on Sundays. I thought about weekly mother/daughter trips to the hair dresser and then going out for lunch. I'm going to learn how to corn row hair.
Now I'm thinking about how will I teach my child to respond to negative comments or situations and how I will handle them. What tools can I give my children to manage those situations?
Along with these questions are others. There's no question that my children will know they were adopted. Even if we could have hidden this fact, I think Keith and I would have still let our children know from an early age. I don't want our children to be ashamed or frightened of being adopted, I want them to understand that they were doubly loved.
They were loved so deeply by their birth mother that she was able to make the greatest sacrifice, she was able to give them a chance at a better life then she could have given them at that time. This is an incredible act of love, one that requires more strength than most of us will ever have to know.
Then, of course, they are incredibly loved by us, who were waiting for exactly them, to love and nurture and parent. I want my children to know without a doubt that they were always meant to be a part of our family, meant by God, who knew them before they were born, and made plans for them to fall safely into our home and hearts.
So, we will celebrate Adoption day as well as Birthdays. I'm going to have their baby books begin with the beginning of their adoption process, from the time we were matched with their birth mother. They will always know that when the time comes, if they wish to seek out their birth mother, they have our love and support to do so.
There's a lot of thinking and planning to do, a lot to sort through. But it's a pleasure, all said and done, almost as satisfying as setting up the nursery. I am planning and preparing for my children, I am putting everything in place for them.
