I love blogging. If I have the courage to write about what's really bothering me, despite how much of a fool I may feel or how weird I feel I may come across, then shortly after writing it, I feel an ever so useful sense of perspective on what I wrote. It's risky, but it's rewarding.
Like, my last post. After I wrote it, I figured out what was bothering me so much. It's the fact that the pursuit of a biological child could be never ending. That's the thing. If I knew I would get pregnant using IUI, would it be worth it? Sure. If I knew that I wouldn't, but that IVF would, would I do IVF? Maybe. It depends on what would happen to my other embryos.
But I don't know. Nobody knows. At what point do you stop? Or start, for that matter. Let's say Keith and I try IUI and it doesn't work. Why wouldn't we try it again? What would be the cut off point? Maybe three cycles? Maybe six?
And there's more than one way of doing IUI. Would we do just the straight transfer of sperm, for about $200 to $300 dollars a pop? Or would we go straight to the transfer with hormone therapy and monitoring, which is thousands of dollars?
In the meantime, time is just passing away. If it doesn't work, by the time we'd figured that out, we could have had a child placed with us through adoption. We would have already been parents.
When the PA had such a strange reaction to me, it threw me all off. I forgot all the reasons why we had decided on adoption. I had to think it all through again. It's not easy to think all this through; it's like opening a wound.
I tell you what, there is not a month goes by but that I don't wish I could write the "I'm pregnant" post. I have a lot of that particular post sketched out in my head already. But month after month goes by and that post never gets written.
There's no right or wrong answer. That's what gets me too. I like black and white. I was raised to believe that there was a black or white answer to everything and despite the fact that reality drills into me over and over again the fallacy of that belief, I still yearn for the simplicity it holds out.
Maybe we will try IUI before beginning the adoption process. But if we do, not for very long. One month, two at the most and then I'm done. I don't want to wait anymore.
