...after church.
I had an interesting dream early this morning. I dreamed that my family and I were staying in an unfamiliar, mid western town. We were at the church center there, to prepare for my marriage to a man I'd never met in person.
I wasn't nervous or anything. I felt serene. I was waiting.
My mother and a cousin or someone were over in one of the rows, going over something when an unknown girl came up to me. She said something that I no longer remember, and I must have answered dismissively or with only half my attention, because she got her hackles up and said something snitty in reply.
Then I focused on her. It was hard to draw myself up from the peaceful abstraction that I was in, but I did it.
"I'm sorry," I apologized. "I wasn't really listening. I have a tendency to be self absorbed and it's worse than usual right now. Please go ahead; I'm listening now."
She returned to her native friendliness and started chattering on about her ranch and her ex boyfriend, who was a such a good man and still such a good friend. She showed me a picture of her house, that her father had build. I made encouraging comments. She talked about her ex boyfriend with casual possessiveness. Only, as soon as I heard his name, I knew he must be the man I was going to marry. I didn't feel jealous or insecure, I just felt bad about the upcoming awkwardness.
"But anyway, you wouldn't know him," she said, off hand.
"Actually," I said,conversationally, as though we were talking about the weather. "I'm going to marry him in a week."
She was abashed for a moment and then laughed her friendly laugh.
Later, my family and I were done for the day and we were leaving the church center for our hotel rooms. As I passed out of one brightly lit room, someone behind me saw two tall young men through the plate glass window into the hall.
"Hey, it's .......," a cousin said, giving my groom's name.
I tried not to get excited, because he wasn't due in for days, so I thought it couldn't possibly be him. I followed my mom through the door into the hall way. One of the two young men turned around, as though he couldn't contain his curiosity anymore.
I felt really shy, because I wasn't quite sure, right off the bat, if this was the man I was going to marry or not, and I didn't want to be staring at some random young man who wasn't connected to me. I'd only seen him in pictures.
He had a very strong, mid western face; square, with a strong jaw, and his pale skin was covered with freckles. He had pale eyes. He looked like a very self possessed and confident young man. I thought it had to be him, but I wasn't sure until this expression of incredible wonder swept over his face; it was as though he'd been shaken right down to his soul at the sight of me.
Then I knew it must be him. I looked openly at his face, since I knew he was mine, but it was like looking into a bright light. It was hard to sustain. I felt the pressure of so much emotion in my chest that the weight of it made it hard to take a breath.
He smiled at me. We didn't say a word. We turned and began walking side by side out of the church center. Someone suggested that the two of us follow the main group, which we were happy to agree to. The two of us went off on our own way, toward a side door. There was no awkwardness, just joy and confidence. But then we realized that some overzealous church custodian had locked the doors too early and we were stuck in the building.
The group wasn't worried too much, there was the jovial atmosphere remained. Someone cracked a joke, someone else went to go hunt down the keys. The man I was going to marry told me we should go back over to the main group and help them out of the church and I must admit, I was reluctant; I was eager to be alone with him. I wanted to slip out the side door and into the night. I knew the others would find their way out sooner or later.
I had a hundred things I wanted to talk about, I felt like my chest was bursting with thoughts and emotions that I couldn't unburden myself of until we were alone. But he was insistent and I couldn't help but admire his tender concern for my family.
Then I woke up. I know what the dream means; I understood it just now, as I was typing it out. And I know why I had it this morning, too, right before attending church again, which can be a terrifying experience for me. The young man is Christ, of course. The rest is easy to work out.
Then, during church worship service, something else happened. They play modern... I'm not sure what they're called. Songs, I guess, but it's more like chanting. Basically, it's just the same thing over and over again, with very simple melodies. I can't say that I like this, but that's just my own personal taste. I've certainly, from time to time, been deeply moved by such musical arrangements, even though I prefer the structured melodies of old hymns.
Anyhow, the last song came on and I couldn't even sing it the first time around, because I couldn't figure out the melody. That's another thing about hymns; even an idiot like me can read music well enough to anticipate where the next note is going to fall by seeing where it is on the staff. But with these projection screens, it's all a total mystery. I slide up into all the notes, because I have no idea what it's going to be. That's probably why they keep the melodies so simple.
By the second go round, I had figured it out and besides, I loved the words.
Because of who You are, I give You glory
Because of who You are, I give You praise
Because of who You are, I will life my voice and say
Lord I worship You, because of who You are
Lord I worship You, because of who You are
(Repeat)
Jehovah Jireh, my Provider
Jehovah Nissi, Lord You reign in victory
Jehovah Shalom, my Prince of Peace
And I worship You, because of who You are
So, I'm singing this, right. And I feel myself getting swept up into it. And it's been a long since I've publicly adored Christ, and I feel extraordinarily shy. But the words, and my knowledge of Him, just pull me right up from the roots of my soul, so I'm singing my heart right out.
And I think, people are going to think I'm showing off, because my voice has gone all vibrato and rich, and I'm hitting all the notes effortlessly. But I manage to keep this all to the back of my mind until the end of the song, when I'm just swamped with this horrible feeling of self consciousness.
And the basis of it is not necessarily the sound of my voice, but this feeling that I'm not worthy to be experiencing this much intimacy and joy in Christ, because I'm not living my life up to the right standards. I'm like an interloper. And despite all this, here I am, incandescent with the Son of God, all lit up like a paper shade.
This feeling becomes unbearable, as the song is drawing to a close; so much so that I actually cry out to Jesus: "Hide me!" Like, make a little cleft in the rock and put me in there, 'cause I can't bear this anymore; wrap me up in something, so these people can't see me. Like, when I was a virgin, and the thought of going down the isle to face my groom was unbearable and I knew I would have to wear a thick veil, behind which no one could see anything, just to keep my composure. I didn't want anyone to see the naked emotion on my face.
So. I feel Him place His hand on the top of my head. Throughout my life, I've often felt this. It's a marvelous sensation, it always comes with this profound sense of peace. He's saying, I've got you; you're mine, you're covered. Then, I feel Him place His other hand over my eyes. I never felt that before. But I understood in the next moment what He meant. He meant, don't be distracted by what you think is out there. Pour your heart out, because this is between you and I, and I delight in you.
When I sat down in the pew, my body was physically trembling. I felt fragile, as though I'd been hollowed out by all the light that had poured right through me. My hands were shaking. I sat down pressed up against the reassuring bulk of Keith.
I wasn't going to blog about any of this, but I kept feeling like He wants me to. I don't know why. But it's probably the most personal and risky thing I've ever blogged about. Gah.
(Oh. my. gosh. I seriously just hit the publish button by accident. That never happens. Heh. Fine. I get it already. Goodness.)
