Saturday, July 16, 2011

July 16th

I turned the corner in the story; they are now sailing up the Ganges.

I had to sit down and watch some TV this morning, to remind myself that normal life in the "outside" world continues apace. People are still interested in the latest fashion, recipe, decoration, etc. It seems some deal will be made concerning the debt ceiling. Families are going camping, or to the beach or to "Pick UR Own" fruit farms for seasonal berries.

I'm glad. I'm glad normal life goes on. Sometimes I think about joining it, but it seems like so much work. I used to think that when I had children, I'd join. I'd have to- all those PTA meetings, school supply lists, play dates, safety equipment, cupcake baking and doctor and dentist appointments.

Today Keith and I went shopping after he got a lack lustre haircut at the local strip mall place. It was a very nice place, but not geared toward the military. When Keith says he wants it skin tight on the sides, he's not kidding; he wants his skin gleaming. The hair he wants left, on the very top of his head, looks like a landing strip for an airplane.

He got a cheeseburger to make up for his still bristly scalp and then we went on our zig zag course around the store. I got in some one's way in the razor isle and even when I got out of their way, they walked past me with an audible "Hmph!" and a toss of their head and hip combined; a pretty impressive move.

I have to admit, I was in a worse haze than usual. When we walked past the baby stuff on the way to the dairy section, I felt, oddly, as though I was going to start bawling, right then and there. Just out of the blue, just at the sight of small containers of baby wipes and Johnson&Johnson products.

It took me very much by surprise; I haven't been conscious of an increased desire to be pregnant and I continue to procrastinate on moving forward with infertility treatments. I have no desire ever to pursue them.

I suppose, until I have children, or if I never have them, there will always be such moments taking me by surprise, moments where I remember that I had a completely different idea of what my life would be like.

Just recently, I was watching the video of Annie Lennox's "Why." Gosh, I remember so vividly hearing that in my early twenties and feeling it so strongly...

"This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent..."

Only, it makes me smile now, to think of myself feeling something that acutely, back before I had much living under my belt at all. Though, I guess by then I was already divorced, so I would have reason to empathize with the song.

But, gosh! Did I ever feel, back then. I still do, but I now have the ability to find myself amusing, which is a huge gift. And now I have much better perspective on the dreams we dream instead.