How can it be this close to the end of this month? I thought it just began.
Also, when the hell is it ever going to become cool? I mean, less than scorching hot is always welcome, but when the hell are we going to see cool temperatures down here?
It's still freakin' hot and humid during the day. Long into the evening, when one is trying to get to sleep, one is panting like a dog and refusing to turn on the A/C, because it's mid September, for god's sake. And the electricity rates are still doubled. I'd rather sweat into the sheets than be taken to the cleaners.
Wait... wait... I think I just felt a cool breeze.
Ok, so, I've been watching a fair amount of truly crappy anime. That's because I ran out of the ten percent that's worth watching and keep venturing out into venues I normally avoid, like high school dramas and let's ride in the large mechanical war machines and save earth from the other political faction that no one understands because its too freakin' complicated to follow, all while we're still thirteen years old, with pink hair.
Therefore, I feel equipped to make a list of the top absolutely necessary character types for any anime. It doesn't matter if this is set in ancient Japan or deepest space- any anime worth its salt must have these characters.
Naive guy/girl-
This is the star of the show. Typically, they are built small, especially if they are a guy. Slight, doe eyed, sometimes downright bony naifs lead the plot by their good natured or down right ignorant passions. "Let's save the village!" "My dad didn't lie about his space career!" "Let's bring our mother back from the dead using forbidden magic!"
Slowly, their innocence is ripped from them as they face increasingly trying times, like having their bodies ripped apart, forcing them to wear mechanical suits, or searching out magic beads before the demons find them and become uber demons or watching their mentor/father/sibling/village die.
Jaded guy-
This is the other type of hero, the anti hero. He has hair that looks like a neon paint splatter, or it's just straight black. He typically dresses as though he came from a 1980's music video. If fact, in between being uncaring and laid back, he sometimes actually does play the guitar.
Sometimes he's a detective. Other times, he's the bastard son of the king of the vampires and a human woman and rides a mechanical horse. Or he's a whip skinny, remarkably agile guy in a tuxedo suit that comes fully equipped with insta-guns. Don't be fooled, though, because he actually does care. Children will usually make this evident.
Oversexed, older woman-
(And by older, I mean, she might be all of twenty.) This character is easily recognizable by her size double G bosoms. They are always very much on display and may even come with their own sound effects. Her moral compass is usually a little skewed, probably from carrying around all that weight up front.
She either tells it like it is, and gets off on beating up smaller guys, or she's a complete idiot and runs into things, like walls or other characters. Fortunately, she's got lots of padding.
Even though she's the most obviously sexy and mature character, she will almost never fall in love. If she does, it usually ends badly, usually by her trying to kill her lover, or being rejected by him, as he chooses the doe eyed naif over her more ample attractions.
Grey haired guy-
Every anime has one of these, but he can be tricky to pin down. The hair can be long or short. In rare cases, it might be blue or white.
He might be the sneaky, suave, sadistic bad guy who smiles ever so slightly as someone dies. He could be the sentient data life form that's moving through the internet, when he isn't animating grey haired humanoid clones.
He could be the full fledged dog demon with one arm and a mysterious furry ruff over his shoulder who wanders around seemingly aimlessly with a servile toad at his ankles. In this case, he will have a sword that can bring people back from the dead, but he won't use it, because he's mean that way.
Sometimes naif guy has grey hair, which can throw a person off. I could go on and on. Which ever way it goes, you can be fairly certain that grey haired guy isn't going to talk much, won't explain his history and will probably be deadly. He may even die.
Child-
Animes have them, usually to try and convince you that the hero/heroine really isn't a child, by contrasting them to someone who's six. Yes, compared to six, twelve does seem old. Almost always, this is a girl child and she's ultra cute.
She has the whole doe eyed thing down, in fact, her eyes take up a full third of her face. She's all dressed in ruffles and her voice is so high pitched that it can break glass. Or, she hardly talks at all. Sometimes she likes to cook, with mixed results. Often, she's an orphan.
The following are a few events you can almost always look forward to enjoying while watching anime:
-A glimpse of some poor girl's panties. No matter how much running, jumping, sitting, killing or kicking they know they're going to do, they never change out of their six inch, pleated skirt.
-Somebody dying, but not really. Oh wait, no. Really. They're dead. Wait... Maybe not.
-Girls playing volleyball in swimsuit bottoms and sweatshirt tops.
-Pink pony tails.
-The completely unnecessary shower scene.
-The never ending panorama of easily disposable bad guys so the group can practise their skills before taking on the undead sorcerer, greedy politician, monster demon, zombie laden science lab or ultra advanced mech suit.
If it's a samurai anime, then be prepared to watch seppuku. Also, at some point, some one's arm will be cut off with a spray of gore.
Also, be prepared for there to be no romance at all. If anyone is falling in love with anyone else in a samurai anime, no one is admitting to it.
There will probably be some key, romantic scene which will be the trigger for the rest of the anime, and you will be guaranteed to miss it completely, because all they did was stand on the same veranda together for a moment while the cicadas chirped.
Unless it's Ninja Scroll. But that's ninjas, which is a whole different category of anime.
Ah, anime. I make fun of it, but a person can clearly see how it's influenced my writing. I remember the first time I saw one. I was at my aunt and uncle's house and they had cable- specifically, they had the Cartoon Network.
Someone had left it on one morning, and I was just in time to watch an episode with a blue haired, cool and removed character pull his girl into his arms and kiss her deeply before tossing her into the escape capsule and hitting the button without getting in himself.
Oh, the drama! I was hooked, I tell you, hooked. I was entranced as I watched the girl press her face to the glass as the escape capsule slid away. Blue haired guy just stood there, composed, removed, implacable. Then the space station blew up.
I still don't know what anime that was, or what happened in the end. But it remains forever enshrined in my memory; time has not taken away the thrill of that kiss.
