What has happened to my blog? Seriously.
A week and a half ago, I was happily blogging away about writing, with the occasional blog post dedicated to anime and church experiences thrown in for good measure.
Every time I look back and wonder what the heck happened, I remember writing these words:
"It feels like the church wants to play three important roles in my life: to be a direct pipeline to God, to be a translation for His voice and to verify that my actions are acceptable.
The problem is, I grow increasingly jealous of those roles; I want them for Christ."
I cannot help but think there is a correlation between what I blogged then and how I began to experience Him, beginning the very next day.
But it's much more than that. I can look back further, even in just this blog, and see how my experience and understanding of God has grown. I remember in Kentucky, being incredibly, overwhelmingly angry at Him, and how terrifying that felt.
I remember blogging about the "right religious program" and then wondering if it was possible just to live in the question, as it were. To not be sure about the "right" way, but to just surrender oneself to God regardless, in faith and hope.
I couldn't sustain it, because my shame and fear were too overwhelming for my own strength. I backed away.
Still, I continued to experience moments of incredible grace and love. For example, during the church service about how God disciplines those that He loves, I felt Christ's love surround me and quiet my fears. He said that I don't have to worry about making my case to the Heavenly Father, that was His job.
When we moved here, we started looking for church. I wanted a sense of community, but at a deeper level, I wanted to confront my old and very deeply embedded fears and shame that kept me so tightly bound. That's why I kept going, even when it was painful. I didn't want my personal status quo anymore, I wanted to be free of it.
The problem was, I couldn't free myself from it- not on my own. So, now I am realizing, Christ came and did the work Himself. It throws me into the most incredible awe.
Lately, I just keep thinking that ultimately, the purpose of life is to know God. For me, this is what makes everything good in my life even better, and everything bad in my life endurable. Growing in knowledge of Him holds all of my life together. It's the common, golden thread that makes its way through every experience and every stage of my life.
