Yesterday I wandered outside with an apple, and sat in the camp chair in the sun. My head was so full of the stuff I'd read.
A lot of the Old Testament is ancient and weird, but through it all, He keeps impressing on me how much He values us. That's the ongoing theme.
I keep pushing back against this theme. Last night it occurred to me how much I argue with Him; I wonder where He finds the patience to put up with me.
One night, maybe two weeks ago, He told me to read the Song of Songs.
"No way!" I said. "There is no way I can read that with You right here. I can read that when I can pretend that You are up in heaven, attending to other business. But I just can't with You reading right over my shoulder like You do."
So I didn't. That night, He said to me again, "Read the Song of Songs. You're caught up in shame and reading that book is the way out."
I knew He was right, so that morning, I forced myself to read it. I literally read it with my hand over my face, reading between my fingers. And I skimmed a lot of it.
It did take away a lot of my shame, and then I read it a second time, and that was easier. That's when I remembered praying to Him that He keep me as a seal, that I blogged about much earlier.
I was flabbergasted to remember how easily I used to read that book and how naturally I just claimed it for myself. It didn't seem presumptuous, it just felt natural.
When I read it again more recently, He said, "This applies to you- this is part of your identity in Me."
"No way!" I argued. "I'm not Your bride; that would be absurd and arrogant. Anyway, the church as a whole is Your bride."
"Yes, but I'm not taking to Myself a building and I'm not in love with a faceless mob- I love people as individuals."
Clearly, He wants a relationship and a love that is so intense and so real that He can be overcome by the sight of it. It's obvious when one thinks about it. I mean, we ourselves want that, when we think about love. God's love is not a passive emotion- it's up welling with life and passion and creative ability.
I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it, though. I wonder why I keep thinking that He prefers a formal and stilted relationship with us, as opposed to a passionate, organic relationship, but even now I keep going back to the former, and clearly erroneous, idea.
I think because I keep mixing up holy with formal and they are not at all the same. He's holy and passionate at the same time- I see that so clearly all through the Old Testament. What an intense combination it is! I am so looking forward to reading the Gospels again, after having read through all that. I think it's going to blow my mind. It does in little pieces even now.
I wonder sometimes why He doesn't just throw His hands in the air and be all, "This woman! She argues with me at every turn! I tell her how much I love her, how much she means to Me- I back my point up with scripture, and she still argues!"
Except that I think He's used to it. That sort of thing happens a lot, I can't help but notice. He talks to someone and their usual response is "Not me!" or "No way!" or "Come again?" At first, anyway.
He purchases for us an identity and a place with Him through His death and resurrection, and we frequently say, "No, no, it can't be a free gift. That can't be for me. You must need something more than mere acceptance from me. I can't mean that much to You."
Yesterday, after I ate my apple, I came inside and watched some TV. I was watching Extreme Home Makeover and it was starting to make me cry, the way the show normally does. I told Him, I have to change the channel, or I'm going to bawl my eyes out.
(Yes. I talk to Him even when I watch TV. I am certifiably insane.)
"You can let go of your emotions," He replied. "You don't have to hold onto them so tight. You don't have to try and hide them from Me."
That took me by surprised. I suddenly realized how tightly I do hold on to them, almost as if I were ashamed of them, or something. I also realized how He did not do the same with His own emotions.
I said, "That's so gracious of You. What a lovely invitation. I'll have to think about that. Let me get back to You on that... In the meantime, I'd better change the channel..."
Where would we be, if He wasn't as patient and gracious and merciful as He is? The fact of the matter is, the more I know of Him, the more I love Him and the more I love Him, the more I want to know of Him.
I just keep thinking to myself, why wait until the next life to know Him? Why wait for some kind of earthly perfection, which will never come, to be close to Him? I don't want to wait. I empathize with Jacob, who grappled on to Him and wouldn't let go. Except that I don't want just a blessing, I want Him.
That story astounded me, by the way. What a story that is. He could crush us so easily, but instead, He touches us and leaves a mark we'll never be able to forget.
I told Him last night I was glad there were still places in me that I had yet to yield to Him, because I can look forward to the pleasure of that yielding when the time comes. Eventually, I'll bawl my eyes out in His arms and it will be good.
In the meantime, I fall asleep in His arms. I get up in the night, and He is still with me. When I'm frightened, I feel myself enclosed by the shadow of His wings. I wake up in the morning, and He is with me. I look out at the dawn and I think, He is the Bright and Morning Star, and the Light of the world.
I sit down before the computer and think with pleasure and anticipation, what will He show me today? What are the things I will do for Him today? And I am busy learning and doing and then He tells me, rest. And I rest.
And then Keith comes home and I think, this is my husband! What a good life I have! It is filled with good things.
And when my head is dizzy and I am worn out and puzzled and disappointed with myself, I take a deep breath and bring Him to mind. I gratefully heave all that stuff onto Him and He graciously and easily takes it all.
At night, I stay up, whispering with Him in the dark about everything that He has shown me that day. I think, He is my Creator! In Him everything moves and lives and has its being. Everything is held together by Him.
I think, this is my Friend, my Redeemer, the Son of Man, the Son of David, Emmanuel. In the dark, I call forth all His names in wonder, and I think about what each of them means, to the best of my earthly ability. I recall that I am His precious belonging, one He purchased to Himself, one He keeps safe, and makes to lie down in green pastures and leads beside the still waters.
What a God we serve! His love for us is just beyond understanding.
