I write at least two blogs to every one that I publish, lately. I just don't have the courage to be that open. But here is one I wrote yesterday that I will post.
I think rainstorms in autumn are the best kind of rainstorms. Yesterday evening it rained; Keith and I stood at the back step to watch it. The rain and the wind were tearing off hundreds and hundreds of copper red leaves.
The ragged leaves were drifting down in great gusts through the rain. The sky and the air and the back yard were full of leaves. They brushed past my hands and fell right onto the door step.
I can pretty much read my entire way through the Bible now. I see things I never saw before. If one reads the Bible in fear or shame, it's very hard to catch even a little of its meaning. It's like reading it with a self imposed veil, or through a very warped lens.
Any time I felt bad about myself, any time I felt guilty or shameful, I embraced this as if it were from God. No wonder I have so many religious wounds. Good lord. So, reading the Bible was excruciating.
It amazes me, when I think back on it. I was a virgin, for goodness sake- well, I thought I was. I hadn't even held hands with a boy. Where on earth was my shame coming from when I read about maintaining sexual purity? My sexual abuse, of course.
It just amazes me now. There was no reason for me to feel shame- I was innocent! I wasn't sexually sinning! There was no reason for condemnation.
Yet I still felt condemnation and I embraced it whole heartedly. This is an awful bondage, a horrible, internal prison.
But now I can read through the Bible, thinking about each thing. And it is full of wondrous things.
There is a great deal that I don't understand but my teacher is Jesus Himself. So, when I see stuff I don't understand, I say, I'm not at that lesson yet, and I hand it to Him. If I feel scared, He takes me in His arms, and I remember that I'm all bound up in Him- my life, my right standing with God, my faith- everything flows from and is kept in Him. He is the very Wisdom of God.
I love to read in John when He says, you call Me Teacher and Lord, and it is right that you do, for so I am.(John 13:13)
So He is- He really is! He is my Teacher and my Lord. I like to call Him Lord, but I like best to call Him that at night, when He is close to me and I am resting in His tender and loving presence. Because then it is thrilling to know that my Lord and my God loves me and delights in me.
If I don't find Him close, I seek Him out. I cry out to Him, in my spirit, and He answers me. Sometimes I say His name just because I love to say His name, just because I must, because I can. Because He is there and listening and I can reach out to Him.
In the morning, when I wake, the first thing I do is to reach out to Him, to be sure He is there. I want Him always there. Hello, I tell Him. Hello, hello, hello!
It is like this:
O God, You are my God, earnestly will I seek You; my inner self thirsts for You, my flesh longs and is faint for You, in a dry and weary land where no water is.
So I have looked upon You in the sanctuary to see Your power and Your glory.
Because Your loving-kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You.
So will I bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.
My whole being shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips
When I remember You upon my bed and meditate on You in the night watches.
For You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings will I rejoice.
My whole being follows hard after You and clings closely to You; Your right hand upholds me.
Psalm 63:1-8
