I went for a walk and I had an insight into my conflict over my blog.
I remembered, or realized, that Jesus is teaching me to align what is temporary with what is eternal. That is how my spirit is sharpened and grows the best.
My spirit and heart are new in Christ. But my earthly self -that part that is passing away- must be gently and lovingly and consistently drawn into alignment with what is eternal.
The passing-away-self wants what is earthly. The true me, the eternal me, wants what is eternal. I feel these conflicting desires.
This conflict has the potential to bring about incredible growth in me, I believe, when I surrender myself to Jesus. It's surrendering the old way of being for the truth and life that I have in Christ that causes myself to grow and deepen.
Little by little, with Jesus renewing my mind and strengthening my spirit, the old me aligns with the eternal.
If this were easy, there would be no growth. Instead, this lasts all one's life- there is always a choice to surrender more deeply to Jesus- to what is eternal, to what it real and lasting.
The other part is that it's just not easy to be so vulnerable about my walk with Jesus. I wouldn't do this if I didn't feel with such certainty that He wishes me to do so. This was not my plan for my blog, that is for sure.
How would my faith grow, if I knew for certain what His long term plan was, or what He was doing with what I offered Him?
Whenever I go through one of these "I wish my life/blog were normal" phases, that desire always ends up being swallowed up by my deeper and more overwhelming desire for God. I can't resist Him for very long.
I read this, this afternoon, and it deeply fed my soul:
"But if God Himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of Him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome Him, in whom He dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, He'll do the same thing in you that He did in Jesus, bringing you alive to Himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and He does, as surely as He did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With His Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's!
"So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"
-Romans 8:9-15, The Message