Thursday, May 3, 2012

May 3rd

We got one side of the kitchen sink working, so at least there is no longer a greasy pile of dishes stacked on the counter and last night I took my first shower all by myself!

Yay! Progress.

I've been taking all my blog entries from last fall and putting them into a Microsoft Word file, and editing them. I'd been wanting to do that for a while.

Reading over everything that I had written- the posted and unposted blogs, and bits of letters- brought me such a feeling of relief, because the distance allowed me a clearer perspective on what I sounded like.

I sound like a normal person: a creative introvert by character, very comfortable with the written word, who is attempting, on a public blog, to articulate and process an intimate and spiritual experience with God.

Another words, I sound like exactly what I am. That's how I relate to God. I don't have to relate to God in some other person's way, and no one else should feel as if they must relate to God in the way I do.

Because He's personal. He's a personal God, who delights in relationship- unique, intimate, mutual relationship with His children, who are all different.

It makes me think of this passage:

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

-Micah 6:8

That's so simple, and lovely.

I saw another woman's blog- beautiful, articulate.

Shortly thereafter, I faced the humbling realization that I was jealous and intimated by her. It seemed like she must be ever so much more pleasing to Him than I.

"I'm jealous of the way she is," I confessed to Jesus.

I love you the way you are, He assured me.

As I am, I said to myself, relieved. Because He made me uniquely this way on purpose.

But sometimes, I feel as if I am the ugly, callused foot of the Body of Christ, and other people are the lovely, limpid eyes.

This is so funny, because I'll bet you a hundred thousand dollars (that I do not have) that somebody, at some point, has read a blog entry of mine and thought something similar about me that I thought about this other woman.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It's just mean to do that to ourselves, and wrong. We're missing the whole point, which is that He delights in us because we are who we are, not because we're someone else.

Besides which, if we really are the foot, chances are we'll experience being washed by Him, which is very nice.

I've been thinking on this passage, where Jesus is saying that He is going away to prepare a place for His disciples. He concludes by saying to them:

"And you know the way to where I'm going.”

And Thomas desperately voices what I'll bet everyone else must have been thinking, but didn't dare say aloud:

“No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

Oh, Thomas! Lovely Thomas. I have said the same thing to Jesus, often.

Last night, I remembered the way to where He was- I opened my heart to the truth that He was with me. And then I rested in that truth, and in His love.

You know the way, He reminded me, fondly.

You are the Way, I reminded Him.

And this morning, my calender read:

"Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to You for refuge. I said to the Lord, 'You are my Master! All good things I have come from You.'"

-Psalm 16:1-2