Saturday, July 21, 2012

July 21st

How is it the middle of July already?

Ok, so here are some updates.

We have a contractor for the roof and according to their estimate, we should come in maybe two thousand under budget.

I'm sceptical. Is it possible for any estimate to ever be accurate? But at least that gives us a cushion if and when they do go over budget.

They should start in three weeks, or whenever the roof tiles come in.

Our property manager dumped us this month- the very month she is supposed to be showing the house for new renters.

We have a new property manager, whom we've never met. She seems nice, but she has four weeks to get the house re-rented before we face double mortgage month.

We have all the proper forms for the adoption, but due to Keith's extremely challenging work schedule, we're still waiting to get FBI checks and notarizing done.

Keith has lost ten pounds, feels much better, and has eaten tufu. That was quite the moment.

I bought it on a whim, thinking, "Why not try it?"

So I cut it into strips, lightly fried them to give them a firmer texture and a golden glow and then tossed them into stir fry. The upshot was, he is prepared to eat it again.

We have a lot of stir fry with brown rice. Also, we eat a lot of ground turkey taco salad. We are even going to try turkey or veggie burgers.

If I am not in the kitchen cutting up fruit, then I am buying fruit, or packaging fruit or serving fruit. The counter is just always a little bit sticky.

There are other things going on that I can't blog about, but there is just a lot. I feel oppressed by all of it most of the time, and I am working hard on letting myself feel this.

That's quite hard work, as usual, but I'm growing. I'm certain there must be something on the other side of emotional authenticity that is worth reaching.

I keep coming up against this religious idea that if I feel my emotions, then I'm not having faith- as if faith must mean being happy all the time.

That can't be it. That's just too brittle. I keep thinking that there is something about being human that is very important.

If I can get to the place where I feel everything fully, can fully recognize my brokenness, and at the same time, that I am the beloved, I think that would be extraordinary. I think I could extend that out to others around me, simply by living in the truth of it.

I would like to be in that place. So, when I feel overwhelmed or angry, or depressed or anxious, or shame, or guilt, I feel it, as much as I can bear. I recognize where I am.

There was a time when I worked on doing the opposite; when I worked on claiming some other emotional setting for myself, and it was right that I did that work.

Otherwise, I would have been living in a victim mentality, and that would have been emotionally and spiritually crippling.

But now, it's almost as though I have come full circle. I have come back to the places of pain, but this time, I am not saying either/or- I must be either broken or healed, I must be either conquered or conquering, that I have to be either a victim or a survivor of my past.

There's something about being both. I keep thinking about one of my favorite quotes from Richard Rohr:

"Perfection is not the elimination of imperfection, as we think. Divine perfection is, in fact, the ability to recognize, forgive, and include imperfection!—just as God does with all of us. Only in this way can we find the beautiful and hidden wholeness of God underneath the passing human show. This is the “pearl of great price” in my opinion. Non-dual thinking and seeing is the change that changes everything. It makes love, mercy, patience, and forgiveness possible."

~ Richard Rohr