So, my anxiety has been increasing lately, with the holidays and the house not renting and this chaotic world that we live in.
Last night I read some of The Awakened Heart and it calmed me down. I lay in bed, quietly breathing and feeling the spaciousness within, when my whirling and repetitive and anxious thoughts are still.
I am always with you, He said.
And I thought, why? Why does He repeat that to me so very often?
What does that mean? What is He saying to me?
I rested in the question. The first thought that came up was that God was like some sort of Santa-figure, always watching to see if I've been naughty or nice.
No wonder His words don't comfort me for very long, if that's the meaning that I've been unconsciously assigning to them!
The next thought that came up was that He was with me in order to "use" me in some super productive way.
That thought always comes up, even though He's corrected me on this many times. It's just so ingrained in me that God is only with us in order to "use" us.
Those were the surface thoughts. After those thoughts, a wondering thought came up from a deeper and quieter place in my spirit.
I considered how He has gone to great lengths to remind me that He's always been with me, even when I wouldn't have guessed He would remain, from childhood and in every moment and in every interaction, and that He does not remember my sins.
So then it seemed to me that He might be with me because He loves me. As expression of this love, He created me to be in the world and for Himself to be in the world through me.
Just because. Just as myself, the self He created me to be.
And then this morning, I read this:
"Think of the
many, many stories about God choosing people. There’s Moses, Abraham, and Sarah;
there is David, Jeremiah, Gideon, Samuel, Jonah, and Isaiah. There is Israel
itself. Much later there’s Peter and Paul, and, most especially, Mary.
God is always
choosing people. First impressions aside, God is not primarily choosing them for
a role or a task, although it might appear that way. God is really choosing them
to be God’s self in this world, each in his or her unique situation.
If they allow
themselves to experience being chosen, being a beloved, being somehow God’s
presence in the world, they invariably communicate that same chosenness to
others—almost naturally. And thus the Mystery passes on from age to age. Yes, we
do have roles and tasks in this world, but finally they are all the same—to
uniquely be divine love in a way that no one else can or will."
-Adapted from Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality,