Perhaps, as you read my blog, you are noticing that God's love seems to be almost undignified. I find it unsettling myself, and it still takes me by surprise sometimes.
I have far more regard for His dignity than He does. Of course, we can see a picture of this undignified love in His parables, the classic example being the father running down the road, and falling on the son's neck.
Oddly enough, one of the most difficult things I've had to learn has been simply to accept His love, but I've been getting better this.
On Monday night, when I opened my heart in the quietness and saw Him in the room, I felt as if I hadn't seen Him in a while. I went walking to Him and looked up into His face, so quiet and receptive.
"How are You?" I asked.
Missing you, He replied. It's not the same without you. I miss My little place of rest.
He meant, from this verse:
"The Eternal your God is standing right here among you,
and He is the champion who will rescue you.
He will joyfully celebrate over you;
He will rest in His love for you; He will joyfully sing because of you like a new husband."
This is exactly the sort of statement from Him that used to drive me crazy- it's sounds so heretical. Why does God want to rest? He doesn't get tired. And aren't we always together, in one sense, so how can He miss me?
This is where I get to practice letting God be God- I must accept Him as He is, or else I'm just hitting my head against something far too large to understand.
Also, I keep worrying that my head is going into explode into a massive ego balloon if He keeps saying lovely things to me. So, for a long time, whenever Jesus happened to say something lovely, instead of swooning with love, I got angry and upset at Him.
I talked with Him about this recently- about a week ago.
"There's something else..." I told Him, reluctantly. He was, as usual, quietly and completely listening, so I just went on working through it.
"As I grow into You, and begin to accept this way of being with You, and my inherent, created identity in You; as I begin to accept Your love and to let the things You say sink deeply into me, instead of resisting them.... I feel... Sweetheart, I guess that is Your business and I won't deny whatever You are doing with my life, but it makes it so difficult for my ego not to go ape crazy with it and I feel so burdened with this fear that ego will completely take over and I'll become a kind of manic, arrogant, prideful ass."
You've worried about this before, He gently reminded me.
"Yes, that's true..."
And what did I say then?
"You said... Goodness! I guess it is applicable..." I replied, remembering it all over again. "You said that You wanted me always to be thinking of myself in the way that You think of me..."
Keeping one's mind on things above, He said, emphatically, on your lasting, whole identity in Me, not constantly self judging, weighing yourself in the balance and coming up short. You are a part of the Kingdom of God on earth- you are a living piece of My love on earth. Think this way. And what else did I say?
"You said that my character is Your work..."
That is My work, He insisted, almost before I had finished my thought. You are My workmanship. I am the One that produces the good fruits in you- the love, joy, peace, self control- all that makes your character. Apart from Me, you can do nothing. Rest in Me.
"That's so scary!" I protested. "I don't want to let go control over my own character! What if I turn into a horrible monster of arrogance, lack of self control and conceited? I don't want to let go control."
It's difficult to trust that deeply, to trust Me with your complete self, He affirmed.
"Help," I whispered, leaning into Him and wrapping my arms around His waist.
He bent down to me and spoke softly. I have- I am, He said.
At the beginning of this month, I was talking to Him about obedience. I always think of myself as being a disobedient person- that I am incapable of obedience, so I never use the word. For me, it's a word loaded with failure, guilt and shame.
But I had realized, just then, that I had been naturally and completely obedient, with hardly any thought or effort at all- even if it was in a small thing.
"That was obedience!' I told Him, delighted with myself.
Part of obedience, He said, tenderly.
"What's the rest, the other part?" I asked, curious.
As obedience is the stairway to pleasure, He replied and it sounded familiar and as if He were quoting something.
I burst out laughing and turned around again. "Jesus!" I said, full of love. "Only You would say something like that- to link obedience so inextricably to pleasure."
Later, I looked that phrase up- it is a quote. In fact, it's a quote from That Hideous Strength, by C.S. Lewis. The quote is incomplete even in the book.
I first read this series, the Space Trilogy, when I was in third grade. At that young age, I managed to make my way through the first two books, but I could only get the first chapter of That Hideous Strength before I gave up on it.