I had such a beautiful meditation last night.
Yesterday evening, I stood by the French doors and looked out at the trees that rise up behind the fence. They were lit with the horizontal bands of falling sunlight and they were moving in the wind. Beyond them, the sky was still blue, with white clouds.
It was beautiful, especially as we haven't seen much of the sunlight lately. I always love that view and that time of day. As I stood looking outside, I realized that it was already the middle of July and that soon I would either become a mother or go through one of the most painful experiences of my life.
The adoption right now seems to be going really well and but who can tell, in the end, how it will go? The emotions are intense and conflicting. I felt impatient with this way that my life is unfolding- as usual in a way that is so far removed from what is normal.
And how does one prepare for either of those possibilities, for what could be coming, in this short space of time?
I knew He was with me as I was looking at the light on the trees, considering these things.
Live deeply in this, He said. He meant, keep my heart wide open and don't hold back from everything that comes up, but to learn from it, to let it shape me and enlarge my heart.
When I went to meditate, even in the inner place, I felt weighed down and exhausted.
We went out to the grass. It was evening and cool. For a long time, all I could do was breathe and let some of the weight come off. As it did, I felt joy seeping into me, like a cool breeze.
I went somersaulting down the grass- effortlessly, three times in a row and collapsed in a laughing, breathless heap down by the trees. I put my face in the grass and breathed in deeply. Jesus came down to where I was and sat down next to me.
Do you want to go down to the sea? He asked.
"We haven't gone there in a long time," I said, thinking about it. Sitting up, I could see the line of trees, dark and shadowy, against the star filled sky; beyond it, I knew was the ocean. I felt suddenly that I did want to go there.
I went running down through the path under the trees to the cliff, where the view opened up to the expanse of ocean below. I went down the crumbling path to the beach that stretched out to either side; it seemed to form a large bay. The waves were calm and quiet, lapping on the shore.
Lifting my arms, I opened them to the sky and was simply and fully present in that place. I let my heart expand out into peace, into mystery. More and more of my burdens were falling off, leaving me feeling limber and light, saturated with that clear life that shines and fills each corner and breath and created thing.
We went into the ocean, swimming down through it, not having to come up for air until we wanted to. Then we floated on our backs and looked up at the sky.
There were so many stars, some bright and near, some like luminous dust. I'm not used to it, because so many get washed out by the electric lights here. Without any artificial light, the stars filled the sky in a way that seemed without depth, countless.
"Like Your promise to Abraham," I said, making the connection.
As many as there are stars in the sky, He said.
"And as countless as there is sand on the shore," I said.
So would all his descendants be, He finished.
"So many," I breathed.
For the first time in my life, those words sunk into me, what they must mean.
What does it mean? He asked gently.
"It must be everyone," I whispered. "It must mean everyone, in the end."
I thought about how everyone was reborn in Him, the second Adam, how that one act remade all creation and everyone in it.
Do you want to go up there? He asked.
"To float in the ocean of stars?" I mused, considering it.
At first, I could not rise up- I couldn't believe it was possible and so I got stuck. Then I was able to let go of my need to make it happen or to control the experience. I let myself simply be in it, to flow through it.
We went rising slowly up together, over the ocean, past the cliff. Looking down, I could see the lighted rooms and the lawn they were set in and the meadows above and below and the forest that stretched away to the back of them. Everything was shadowed blue in the night, starlit.
I closed my eyes as we went higher, but I could feel the light against my face as we passed by things I could not see. When I opened my eyes, we were floating in the depth of space. I let my heart rest and then open up into this space.
It was boundless, intricate, full of vast distances and huge forces at work, interwoven and playing upon each other, from the tiniest dimension to the largest. It was full of fire and heat, light and color and vast, peaceful darkness, full of silence stretching out between things.
I knew that because everything exists in Him and that in Him, everything finds a place, that this space was Him- that I was resting in Him and expanding out with Him. It was one expression of who He was.
We began to sink slowly back through the stars until below me, I could see the rooms and the blue green lawns. But across from me, a vast distance and as high as we were, I saw another layer- a layer of gold, amber and rose clouds that seemed to be spilling into many layers from a white light that was greater than the sun.
We hung there, in the sky and I could see into the light, gradually. I could see over the white city to a vast building that was set on white steps into the light- the light poured through the vast doorway and on either side were the beautiful, winged creatures, tall and joyful and fierce.
I could see further into the light. Inside, the light was gold, shimmering. Huge pillars rose up into the ceiling that was hidden under clouds of white. The floor was gold and amber. Great chairs were set in two semi circles facing each other and between them was a path that rose up stairs into the heart of the light that poured forth from the throne there, filling the room and spilling out from the doors and windows and pouring out over the clouds and out further. Everything was dazzling with the light.
I drew my gaze back out and could see the white stairs that fell down from the vast doorway with the light to a courtyard and rising up from the courtyard were two ancient living trees, full of green leaves and rising branches and strong roots. There seemed to be more trees there; an entire park of trees and greenery interwoven, but I couldn't see it very well.
Lifting my gaze, I could see a figure standing in the doorway, radiating light, surrounded by light and His arms were wide open in loving, joyous and eager welcome that poured from Him with the light. I could not see anything but His form, for He was radiant. But I knew He was smiling ear to ear.
You're His, Jesus whispered to me.
We were still hanging in the night sky; I could see the golden white clouds spilling out with the light at the same time that I could see further into the light, to where Papa was standing on the threshold. I had my arm around Jesus' shoulder, He had His arm around my waist.
"I know," I admitted. "Because everything that is Yours is His and everything that is Papa's is Yours, so I belong to God. But it's too much to consider, being His. I will tuck that away and deeply consider that, but for now, I want to think of myself mainly as Yours."
This was fine with Him, since they are One and things are flowing between them continuously. We went sinking slowing down until my feet touched the grass and I sank down on to it, my legs folding up under me. My eyes were dazzled from the light that I had been looking into; I blinked a few times, adjusting.
I looked up at Jesus and focused on His face for the first time that evening and I saw, all over again and with this incredible awe, how He was also fully human; His face was dear, familiar and marked with laugh lines and incredible suffering, by joy and labor- by human life.
Everything that I had seen, everything that I had understood all came together- and it all came together in Him.
"And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us," I whispered, in awe.
He lifted His scarred, calloused hand and brushed the side of my face with His fingers.
And why was that? He asked tenderly.
"Because You were in love," I answered simply.