Wednesday, March 19, 2014

March 19th

I’ve been so worn out lately; all I could do when I was with Jesus was to lie there limp in His arms and breathe, and listen to His own breathing. It was warm and soothing, but then I felt guilty.

Here I am with Jesus and I can’t do the least thing for Him, to show Him that I love Him, I thought. Anyone else with Jesus- they’d do something wonderful for Him… they wouldn’t care if they were tired… I should do something…

I stirred, with guilty exhaustion, and attempted to get up from the couch and out of His arms, in order to go do something for Him.

Don’t! Jesus said, His voice full of emotion. It was both a command and a plea- the strong emotion in His voice made it a plea, but I knew He meant it. I understood a great deal from His heart, without words:

Don’t compare myself to the illusion of the “perfect other,” because the perfect other doesn’t actually exist and He wants to be with us in the reality of who we are and where we are and-

Don’t disturb the peaceful communion by trying to perform- it wasn’t necessary. The expression of love that He wanted was the authentic way we were expressing it in that moment, together, and also, simply-

Don't leave His arms, because that is where He wanted me.

So I didn't. I gave up the impossible task of being perfect and trying to perform in order to earn what is only ever given, and settled back into my cozy spot with relief and pleasure. I went back to breathing in the warmth of His embrace. And that pleased Him more than anything else I could have tried to do.