Wednesday, April 16, 2014

April 16th

I waited in the darkness to practice the presence of God by faith, as I had been reading about- to rest consciously in Him regardless of any spiritual grace or evidence of His being present.

Come here, Jesus said quietly, and I felt Him reach down and pull me to Him.

Jesus sat down on the couch and put one arm along the back of it and I sat down beside Him.

“I know You,” I breathed in wonder and awe, and put my face in my hands until the intensity of it passed, and I could look at Him again.

What have you been learning? Jesus asked, smiling. He knows this already, of course, but very often He likes to talk with me about it, so that I should think more deeply and consciously about the ideas I have been forming.

We talked about the spiritual life- the progress of growth in it.

“There’s a part in me that doesn’t like surrendering completely- it wants to be god in itself,” I confessed.

The will, Jesus said.

“Is it the will?” I asked, curiously. I’ve been reading a lot about the will lately, and not completely understanding it. But it has a great deal to do with obedience and identity- which identity we will live in. The will is where we make our choice, obviously, but I never before was so conscious of it.

“Well, my will wants to be god and have life in itself- to be self-made, self-defined. It seems a blow to its pride to think that I am created- that the source of my life is You, that I receive from You all that I truly am. To myself, however- to my eternal self- it is the greatest delight- to live only in You, that You are my Creator and that I belong to You.”

Jesus took me in His arms and put His feet up to rest, leaning back comfortably. Again this feeling of love and awe swept through me, to remember who He is. “Oh my Creator,” I breathed. “My God, my Beloved- Jesus! My Creator has a human name, because You have put on human nature!”

This astounded me all over again, to think of it. It was humbling and exulting at the same time- to think that my Creator should come down to me and become like me- suffering with me in all that I suffered, living and dying for me and raising me with Him into His own life; that I should be able to know Him made manifest.

“I give You to drink,” I said tenderly, and I let all the love in me flow up to Him. “That is Yours,” I whispered. “I have nothing in me to give You that did not first come from You. It came from You and returns to You, but through me and is therefore precious and delightful to You, because I am the creation of Your desire- I exist because You desired me to exist.

"I do not have life within myself, as You and Abba do- the life I have within me is Yours. You could take and receive life and love only from within Yourself, but You desired to so through others, who are delightful to You in themselves and in this way, the love is even more delicious to You and so I return myself, my life, to You, my Creator- Jesus! I give myself back to You. I live only in You and only for You- I am only for You and no one takes of me but You, because all that I am is only Yours and consecrated to You and sealed by Your Spirit to You.”


"In the beginning, the fact that she belonged to her beloved was a secondary thought. Later, it became her primary thought. She was unable to forget that her beloved was hers. Now, because of the depth of her experience, we no longer hear that her beloved belongs to her. Indeed, in our spiritual pursuit, the self is working constantly. Little do we realize that even in the matter of loving the Lord, there is the possibility of reserving a place for the self!

"The matter now is not our pleasure, but His desire. We know that our existence is for the purpose of satisfying His desire. Our purpose for living is to be the object of His desire. We are to be the desired ones of the desiring One. The question now is not what we feel, what we gain, what we lose, or what our work is. What is of importance to us is that we are His, and His desire is toward us. That is all that matters."

-Song of Songs, by Watchman Nee, Chapter 7:10