go into His courts with praise!
Give thanks to Him and bless His name.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and His faithfulness continues to each generation."
-Psalm 100:4-5
January 12, 2015
Still trying to get used to all this. It’s one thing to talk about Jesus. After all, I have been doing that for some time now, and the anxiety that I used to experience has been tempered by His faithfulness in walking with me through each step and my faith and trust in Him has grown right down deep.
But to talk about and describe Abba- that is something else. I don’t understand where I got to the place where I’m being asked to do that. It seems like yesterday that I was still living in nearly paralyzing religious fear of Him.
After I posted that blog about Him and the fields white for harvest and the three rooms, the entire rest of the day I faced massive waves of doubt and fear- doubt if I had been obedient in posting it and fear that I was wrong about Abba and He would be terribly, horrendously full of offended wrath and now He would punish me for being wrong and daring to talk about it, and terrible things would happen to me.
These waves of fear and doubt broke over my head again and again, and it was sometimes all I could do to catch my breath before the next one hit. These thoughts were the old fears that I had carried with me from childhood, that Jesus has just recently freed me from- they were returning with a vengeance- not from within me, but from without.
This would bring me, in my spirit to my knees, and sometimes down onto my face before Jesus, crying out to Him to have mercy on me, and to the Holy Spirit please to never let me bring dishonor to either Jesus or Abba, but to bring Them honor, and to teach me and to guide me in the way I should go.
And I would be calmed by the touch of Jesus’ love, but almost immediately afterward, I would be crashed by a new wave. I wanted to find a way to remain steady, and I was helped to find a way- each time the wave hit, I would say, “Thank You, Jesus, for expanding my faith. Thank You for Your perfect work as the author and finisher of my faith. Thank You for the growth of my faith through this.”
This phrase was like a life line in the waves, because it didn’t matter how terrifying or how high the wave was, if I thanked Jesus for it, I simply put the entire experience right into His hands and gave Him the glory for the greater good He would bring out of it, as a stepping stone to a new strength of faith- the faith in me that is His work. It was like saying- whatever is hurting me right now, not only is that going to be undone, but it will be turned to something even better, because that is what Jesus does; He has the last word.
When evening came, I threw myself headlong into Jesus with the utter abandonment of both long-won trust and desperate need, and He caught and held me. When I saw Jesus clearly, I knew we were in the throne room. My heart was heavily burdened, but I felt that I could not pour out everything to Him where we were, even though the space appeared to be empty.
"Have mercy on my limited human understanding and please allow me to perceive You in a smaller room," I asked Jesus very quietly.
I was shown then another room, one that was part of the building complex but smaller and empty, and we were there and as soon as I was there my relief was so great I was almost babbling as I poured out all my fears, trying to get to the heart of it- because I felt almost instinctively that, obscured under the layers of distorting fears there was one part that was true, and I wanted to get to the truth.
“It’s because You are real!” I cried. “You are God! I am not talking about a theoretical Person- God exists! God is real! There is a Father! There is a Father in Heaven and I know next to nothing about Him and I am daring to talk about Him and one day I will meet Him face to face!”
Jenny, the Father looks like Me, Jesus said.
His calm, loving voice went straight through my fear and cracked my understanding wide open and I remembered this:
"Philip: Lord, all I am asking is that You show us the Father.
Jesus (to Philip): I have lived with you all this time, and you still don’t know who I am? If you have seen Me, you have seen the Father. How can you keep asking to see the Father? Don’t you believe Me when I say I abide in the Father and the Father dwells in Me? I’m not making this up as I go along. The Father has given Me these truths that I have been speaking to you, and He empowers all My actions. Accept these truths: I am in the Father, and the Father is in Me. If you have trouble believing based on My words, believe because of the things I have done."
-John 14:8-11, Voice
I had never seen it so clearly before- Jesus made the Father manifest- made Him visible. To see Jesus is to see the Father:
"God, who gave our forefathers many different glimpses of the truth in the words of the prophets, has now, at the end of the present age, given us the truth in the Son. Through the Son God made the whole universe, and to the Son he has ordained that all creation shall ultimately belong. This Son, radiance of the glory of God, flawless expression of the nature of God, himself the upholding principle of all that is, effected in person the reconciliation between God and man and then took his seat at the right hand of the majesty on high—thus proving himself, by the more glorious name that he has won, far greater than all the angels of God."
-Hebrew 1:1-4, Phillips
“[Now] He is the [a]exact likeness of the unseen God [the visible representation of the invisible]; He is the Firstborn of all creation.”
“For it has pleased [the Father] that all the divine fullness (the sum total of the divine perfection, powers, and attributes) should dwell in Him [b]permanently"
-Colossians 1:15, 19 Amplified
It felt like all these blocks were being rearranged in my understanding, in a much deeper way- first that God exists. There is a God- the Living God, the Eternal. The one Living God revealed Himself perfectly and fully through Jesus Christ. To see Jesus is to see the Father.
In my mind, I was going back over the Gospels, seeing each action and message of Jesus through this lens. I had a powerful thirst to read all of the Gospels all over again, as though for the first time- who is the Father? What is He like? Here! Here is the Father- right here, in the things that Jesus is saying and doing.
(When I settled in to start reading them this way, I asked Jesus which one to start which and He said John and of course, in the first chapter, I found this-
No man has ever seen God at any time; the only unique Son, or the only begotten God, Who is in the bosom [in the intimate presence] of the Father, He has declared Him [He has revealed Him and brought Him out where He can be seen; He has interpreted Him and He has made Him known].
-John 1:18, Amplified
I had to stop and wonder at the persistence of Jesus when He is teaching a lesson.)
This afternoon, when I went to rest with Jesus while the baby napped, I simply went to that particular room that Jesus had shown me the night before, accepting that maybe that was where He wanted me for the time being.
The room was fairly large and empty and built of stone that seemed to be golden in color, but that might be because of all the light that flooded into the space. There was nothing in it but a window seat upholstered in pale yellow, set under a large, square window. The whole space had a warm, sunny and quiet feeling.
Jesus was standing beside me and I hugged Him in joyful recognition and looked up at His face, as though to ground myself in His familiar and steadying presence. I saw again in His face those signs of both His unfailing love and His suffering, and His eyes were filled with warm love. Our feet were bare.
Then I went to the door and down the stairs, cautiously, to look around, but the staircase seemed to go down and down and down. It was set on the outside of the building and went right to the foundation of the temple, and there was a window set there and there was green that was growing on the foundation.
I kept thinking, “This is not where I want to end up!” I kept seeing what looked like a beautiful city in the middle distance and wanting to make my way there, so I could see it up close, but I couldn't get there.
I had to stop and remind myself that I wasn’t in charge at all, but must follow the Holy Spirit and let Him show me what He wishes me to see. But a moment later, I was still wishing I could see something other than the foundation.
But I couldn’t go anywhere else and then I just let go and laughed, because I seem to be tripping over my own feet right now, trying to follow the Holy Spirit. It’s as though I have to learn everything all over again.
When I looked in the window set in the foundation, I did not see a vision, I saw a memory. Because it was a memory, I dismissed it at first. However, as I am writing this, I begin to think that seeing that memory was not a coincidence.
I grew up at the Bible school campus and convention center of our church. On that campus was the main church building, which was called the Sanctuary. The Sanctuary was used for Sunday services, convention gatherings and for baptisms.
What I remembered was myself kneeling down at the foundation of the Sanctuary and looking through the window. Inside, there was a huge vat or tank filled with water. This water, I remember my father saying, was used for the baptisms.
It does not seem surprising to me now that when I looked through the window of the foundation, I saw a memory of a huge vat of water for baptizing.
Then I was with Jesus in another place that was a dirt road, peaceful, with a stone house on either side of the road. The road was deeply rutted as though once there had been a lot of thoroughfare on it, but it was deserted now. The two stone houses looked just alike. They were plastered and the plaster was painted over with a pale yellow. There were windows, but they were shuttered. There were ancient trees growing inside the garden walls, but they had no leaves and were not producing fruit.
It was obvious that someone had deeply loved those houses and carefully built them and enjoyed living in them- there was this feeling of love that lingered over them- but for some reason, the houses were deserted, so there was only the appearance of charm and romance and the evidence of former industry, but no life within anymore.
Suddenly it came over me all over again that I was with Jesus.
I turned and threw my arms around Him, filled with joy, and poured out all my love and delight to Jesus, that I should know Him and be with Him. “You are the prize,” I whispered. “Out of everything possible in life, You are the one thing worth having above all else.”
One of the best things about loving Jesus, and one of the intrinsic rewards of doing so, is that He never accepts these gifts in an abstracted or entitled way. He receives even the smallest gift of love with delight. It moves Jesus as deeply as if that love in particular was just what He had been wanting all along.
As we continued walking, we came to a grassy bank where a stream grew. I recognized it as a place where we had been once before. This was a peaceful and beloved place, filled with warm memories of loving companionship and we remembered them together.
We sat on the grass and I asked Jesus about the way I had seen the temple as it were covered with vines and how the roots of the tree of life were breaking down through the pavement.
When I had seen that, I had wondered how could anything, even a beloved tree, be breaking or disturbing the stones of the temple complex.
But when I thought about it, I remembered this verse: "And I saw no temple in the city, for the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple." Revelation 21:22
"Is that what it means?" I asked Jesus. "The two trees that I saw- those were the tree of life that bring healing to the nations, but also they were from Your parable, so they were the Kingdom of God. The Kingdom of God breaks up the old religious system, bringing healing, life and rest... Because at the fullness of time, there is no temple and instead, it is like we are back in Paradise- in the garden of Eden- restored to fellowship with You and ourselves and Your creation? Is that why today I saw green that was growing up from the foundations? Eventually, we will live in a garden city. So what I was seeing was showing this movement?"
Jesus' way of being toward me was full of loving kindness, which surrounded me in peace. His voice was filled with this peace as He spoke comfortingly to me. He said, Yes, you may understand it that way, but in all things, I am the beginning and the end, the One that brought creation into being and that will bring it to fulfillment. Trust Me, because I am faithful and true and the government is on My shoulders. Ponder these things in your heart, little one, but rest always in Me- I hold the fullness of these truths.
*
This is a message Jesus has often given me- to trust Him. What Jesus asks is that I come to Him by faith, because I love Him, and then freely to share those particular experiences that He asked me to give away.
This would make sense, because for one, Jesus told me that my life story reveals His grace- His grace is what I am meant to show forth. For another, my spiritual vision is the lowest kind of vision. That is why, in my writing, I am often talking about how I have trouble seeing something- it is because I am describing both what I am seeing and how I am coming to see it.
I do not have the gift of seeing absolutely- in order for me to see, I must rest in Jesus and trust Him, and sometimes, there are some things that never do come into focus.
When I asked Jesus please to give me the gift of constant and absolute clarity in my visions, He told me that it was not His will for me to see that way. Jesus told me that it was His will for me to come to Him by faith operating and motivated by love- like Peter, stepping out of the boat.
Also like Peter, many times I have looked away from Jesus and sunk down from the peace of looking only at Jesus, but He always catches me. I've gotten better at keeping my eyes always on Him, but that doesn't mean Jesus has given me a greater gift.
I'm writing this because I don't want to give the impression of being or having something more than what I have- especially as I go on sharing these strong meat experiences. When I see something clearly, I will do my best to describe it in simple, descriptive language and when I do not see clearly, I will describe that was well, in faith and hope that Jesus will use the things I give away for His good and loving purpose.
*
Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.
I will walk before the Lord
In the land of the living.
-Psalm 116:7-9
*
Eternal One: Nevertheless, listen to Me, My people:
Jacob, My servant; Israel, My chosen.
Jacob, My servant; Israel, My chosen.
The Eternal who made you,
who formed you in the womb and promised to help you, has this to say:
who formed you in the womb and promised to help you, has this to say:
Eternal One: Don’t be afraid, My servant Jacob,
My dear Jeshurun—My chosen.
Like a devoted gardener, I will pour sweet water on parched land,
streams on hard-packed ground;
I will pour My spirit on your children and grandchildren—
and let My blessing flow to your descendants.
And they will sprout among the grasses, grow vibrant and tall
like the willow trees lining a riverbank.
One will call out: “I belong to the Eternal.”
Another will say, “Jacob is my people; Israel my honored name.”
Yet others will write “Property of the Eternal” on their hands.
My dear Jeshurun—My chosen.
Like a devoted gardener, I will pour sweet water on parched land,
streams on hard-packed ground;
I will pour My spirit on your children and grandchildren—
and let My blessing flow to your descendants.
And they will sprout among the grasses, grow vibrant and tall
like the willow trees lining a riverbank.
One will call out: “I belong to the Eternal.”
Another will say, “Jacob is my people; Israel my honored name.”
Yet others will write “Property of the Eternal” on their hands.
The Eternal, Commander of heavenly armies,
King of Israel, who paid their ransom, has this to say:
King of Israel, who paid their ransom, has this to say:
Eternal One: I am at the beginning and will be at the end.
There is no God except for Me.
If you know any God like Me, tell it now.
Declare and demonstrate any who can compare to Me.
Or if you know and have announced events before their time,
told what is to come, then speak so now.
Don’t be afraid. Let your minds be clear of fear.
Haven’t I announced events and revealed what is to come?
From the earliest days, I have done so. You know it—you have seen and know.
So, go ahead, My witnesses: is there a god out there other than Me?
There is no God except for Me.
If you know any God like Me, tell it now.
Declare and demonstrate any who can compare to Me.
Or if you know and have announced events before their time,
told what is to come, then speak so now.
Don’t be afraid. Let your minds be clear of fear.
Haven’t I announced events and revealed what is to come?
From the earliest days, I have done so. You know it—you have seen and know.
So, go ahead, My witnesses: is there a god out there other than Me?
Witnesses: There is no other rock like God. I don’t know a single one.
-Isaiah 44:1-8, Voice
-Isaiah 44:1-8, Voice
*
“All right,” Jesus replied, “this is the miracle I will do for you:
Destroy this sanctuary and in three days I will raise it up!”
-John 2:19, TLB
