Written three years ago, on February 1,
2012
Last night, I was thinking back to the beginning of this whole journey, and how, on the second day of this experience, I was embarrassed and shocked by the religious and spiritual arrogance that I felt in me, right in front of Jesus.
I remembered how I had struggled with the fact that Jesus was not suddenly and completely taking that out of me, though I asked Him to again and again- Jesus wasn't going to suddenly transform me as though snapping His fingers. I had to learn to trust Him and His timing and His grace and His leading.
Last night, I was thinking back to the beginning of this whole journey, and how, on the second day of this experience, I was embarrassed and shocked by the religious and spiritual arrogance that I felt in me, right in front of Jesus.
I remembered how I had struggled with the fact that Jesus was not suddenly and completely taking that out of me, though I asked Him to again and again- Jesus wasn't going to suddenly transform me as though snapping His fingers. I had to learn to trust Him and His timing and His grace and His leading.
In fact, it
was that night that Jesus gave me this passage, to explain:
"Whenever,
though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they
are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal
presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a
living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete.
We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with
the brightness of His face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah,
our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our
lives and we become like Him."
-II
Corinthians 3:16-18
Then I knew that Jesus would refine me in a gradual and faithful process and I would have to look to Him always as He did it.
As I lay
there thinking this over, Jesus spoke to me.
Look how far you've come with Me, He said quietly.
Joy
immediately filled my soul- to hear His voice and to grasp what He said. "Jesus!" I cried. "So far! So
incredibly far! Because You are faithful, always faithful! And You are the most
faithful when I am the most confused."
I will continue to faithfully guide you
along, even into eternity,
Jesus assured me.
"Always,"
I acknowledged. My heart was too full to speak anything more.
This morning,
my little calendar says this:
"Sing a
new song to the Lord,
for He has
done wonderful deeds.
He has won a
mighty victory by His power and holiness."
-Psalm 98:1
Written a year ago, on April 15,
2014
For the first
time, absolutely no one landed on my blog in the hour or two after I posted it.
Usually, even two or three will land there, but so far, no one. This hurts. It
never ceases to hurt and it’s been several years now that I’ve wrestled with
it, hearing Jesus say, if even only one
person came- if it was meant for only one, wouldn’t it be worth doing?
And I think,
okay, yes- for even one it is worth doing.
But now none.
And I think, no one is asking me to write.
I am asking you, Jesus said firmly, right into that
thought, which is startling, when He does that. I’m not even finished thinking
something, and His voice is firmly interrupting it.
Then I try to
thank Him for the experience of being humbled. I
am glad to share in this, but that doesn’t mean it hurts less- it still hurts.
It must hurt, or I wouldn’t be sharing in it with Him, even in such a ridiculously
small way.
So I guess I
will walk into and through this hurt and continue to write as an offering of
love and obedience, even into the silence.
Last summer, on July 18, 2014
Something
that I read where usually I find encouragement and confirmation in my walk with
Jesus has lately become disconcerting and today was the worst, where what was
explained seemed to go in the opposite direction from where Jesus is leading me
and the way He is with me.
Immediately,
I felt that I was wrong and felt that I was a discredit to myself. I can’t pretend,
I felt badly for myself- for my public image- which is rather telling.
I just sat
there, looking at the words, thinking, that discredits my entire relationship
and history with Jesus. Then I thought, I’m just trying to shore up my own
reputation- it’s because I care about how I’m perceived and I want confirmation
so that people will like me and want to read my posts.
My ego was
very much involved. So then I prayed, Into Thy hands, Thy will be done, Thee I
adore. And those words, Thee I adore, echoed in me. It wasn’t myself or my
reputation or any other thing that mattered- It was Jesus that I adored. The
rest of it could fall by the wayside.
So I stood
up, released in part.
But it kept
returning to me, that sharp stinging pain of being perceived as wrong or irrelevant,
of being rejected, and I prayed again and Jesus reminded me of how those who
exchange honor in their own name can’t receive the horror that comes from God and
that I should release the desire for my own name to receive honor. I should
follow His leading regardless and never mind whether I receive praise or
discredit, because honor from men is not my aim, but obedience and honor to Him
alone.
“Yes,” I said
immediately, understanding and accepting this, though still it stung, to be
disliked and discredited.
In fact, as
it came over me again, the pain of being seen as wrong or crazy or ridiculously
off track that while intelligent and interesting and serious people all went
off in another direction, and I alone and crazy and way too weirdly intense
went off further into some place that fits nowhere - as I was feeling this all
again, I thought about turning my back on Jesus and simply ignoring His voice. I
considered pretending that I do not hear Him and never sharing anything He says.
Considering
it was as far as I could go with that thought, because to do so would be the
most blatant act of betrayal, when I would be doing it not even to save my
life, which is in no danger, but simply to save my ego, and I would be making
that choice in the face of His presence and life poured out on me since
I was a girl and knowing perfectly well and unable to deny that Jesus is alive
and present and not a myth and not simply a person in history. My whole life is woven into His
life.
Then I wished
my choices weren’t that stark, that I could be normal, whatever that is. I
wished that God had not chosen me for whatever He had chosen me for, so that it
would not seem like life or death to me.
Jesus said
gently, have you come this far by My
leading just to give up now?
“No, no,” I
admitted, as I bent down to pick up a baby toy off the kitchen floor, feeling worn out after working through everything. Because, of course I can’t. I can go so far as to wish myself
different, but whenever it comes down to it, since Jesus began teaching me, I
always end up letting go of whatever else and choosing Him- because Jesus is
that compelling.
Wouldn’t this have crushed you, if you
had read it a year or two earlier?
He asked.
I thought
back, remembering how easily bruised and unsteady my faith had been at that time, how I
had been daily, hourly beset by doubt and tested Him at every step and clung to
every confirmation as if it were a life line. “Yes, it probably would have,” I acknowledged.
But I send it to you now, when you can
bear it, Jesus
explained.
“Yes, I can
bear it,” I admitted, because I could and I was, though it stung.
Immediately,
I understood. I had been leaning too much on this writing and not on Him. It is
a necessity that we learn from and share with each other as brothers and
sisters in Christ, that we grow together and enrich one another and encourage
one another and that the more experienced, as mothers and fathers, guide the
younger as they grow.
But Jesus is
Himself the Head and Source of the church, which is made up of many different
parts, with many different functions. Jesus was re-centering me on Himself and
He was pruning off some branches that were heading off in a direction that
wouldn’t have produced the fruit that He wanted in my life.
Also, He was
letting me see the extent of my ego- my need to be at the center, to be admired, defended and to receive
admiration- so that it could be pruned off and wither further away. It’s embarrassing
to admit to, but the pruning of my ego is an ongoing process; I have not yet
entirely felt free of it and must frequently confess it and lean on Jesus.
“Yes, yes, You
do keep me closely pruned and I think You for it,” I said, smiling, opening the
microwave to get my breakfast cereal. Because when I saw it that way, of course
I want Jesus always to keep His place at the center and head of my life and
remove anything that might begin to usurp that place and I count on Jesus to do
this, as other things can creep up on me almost unnoticed until He gracefully
and faithfully points them out and removes them.
Then He told
me to go write this down and that I would feel better after I did and He was
right.
Last month, on February 26,
2015
It's been overwhelming to be in His presence lately. Being with Jesus is not a static thing, and sometimes He unveils His presence to a greater degree than before, which causes in me a kind of awe that makes speaking or relating to Him difficult, and I must remember that He is also my constant, loving and faithful Friend who
has taught and guided me for so long.
I remembered a time last year when I was also caught up in awe, and I remembered what He said to me.
I remembered a time last year when I was also caught up in awe, and I remembered what He said to me.
So I looked up at Jesus and I said to Him with loving trust, “Behold, my Friend.”
And His tender love come pouring down through me.
“I’ve been
thinking about something lately,” I said to Jesus, resting against Him, feeling
all of His loving attention on what I was saying. “Long ago, how You said to
me, And I will be guiding you right along, right into eternity…
And here I am, Jesus said, smiling down at me.
“And here You
are!” I cried, delighted, laughing. “And here You are!” I threw my arms around
Him in joy. “I love You, I love You so much! You are my heart, my breath, my heaven!”
This morning I feel tired
and worn out- it's the third or fourth day of grey weather. I’d been re-reading my journal from 2014 when I was first sharing from my journal, and how doing so had caused less and less people to land on my blog, and how painful that had been. But through it, Jesus had taken from me a lot of unnecessary weight and I had come to understand that I must obey Him in love and in faith regardless- that He calls us to be faithful.
"Well done, good and faithful servant," Jesus says to each of those with the talents- the same to the servant with two as to the one with five, because both were faithful with what He gave them and that is what matters.
And
as I was thinking about this, Jesus spoke to me, and pointed out how each challenging experience had helped to strengthen and deepen my faith and character.
“And You will help me through this too, and my faith and character will continue to grow,” I
said, realizing it.
*
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
-Psalm 139:1-18