April 10th

Last month, March 5, 2015
As usual, my understanding and perception of Jesus and His presence in my life is growing again larger, which requires my faith again to expand, because the larger Jesus gets the more awe and reverence I feel for Him. This requires a corresponding increase of trust in His love and guidance, because I'm bombarded with doubts and fears at this time.

The worst doubts are that I've been getting something wrong about Him, or that Jesus, Jesus Himself, couldn't really love me because why would the Son of God ever want to spend any time with me?

During these times, I must continually hand these doubts and my whole self over to Jesus, and in this way my faith is stretched out further. It's as though I must step over the doubt and right into His arms in blind faith, despite the fact that I am overwhelmed by Him and cannot understand why He is this way with me, or why He shows me the things that He does and it makes me tremble to think about it.

So I say to Jesus, with incredible relief- “Thank You for the growth of my faith through this," because that is such a powerful thing to say. I simply claim the time of testing as a success through Jesus, because I am saying that it doesn't matter how much doubt is thrown at me, my faith will grow through it, not because I am strong, but because Jesus is the Author of my faith and He won't be thwarted in His work.

Or I pray, “Jesus alone is my Rock and my Salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken.” (Psalm 62:1-8)

Or I pray, “Jesus is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His own name’s sake." (Psalm 23:1-4)

But mostly I say, “Thank You for the growth of my faith through this,” which always releases me from doubt and into joy and wonder and gratitude.

March 9, 2015
Still going through a dry and trying time with my emotions all over the place. The time change didn’t help. The gift of inner communion is not being given with a strong outpouring, so I must lean on faith that Jesus is with me, worship and adore Him without sight, and trust Him even in the flux of my emotions and thoughts, which are like a ship tossing around.

When inner sight does open up, I see that I am being carried by Him, and Jesus whispers to me, I have you. So, comforted, then I continue with my day, believing it and trusting it.


I want very much to do this. I want very much for my love for Jesus to expand out into blind and steadfast trust. How could it not, after everything He is given me? Because of this, I want to be steadfast for Him in the dry times. That’s my prayer and my desire and my hope.


March 14, 2015
I was trying to deal with massive condemnation/anxiety that had hit me like a one ton weight, and in response, throwing myself entirely upon Jesus Christ, my Redeemer, my Savior.


I’m here, Jesus said.


My faith expanded out like taking one long deep breath after a compressing time of struggling to breathe. In response, I opened my entire heart to Him, in hope, in humility and in confession of everything I felt and was going through.


“I’m coming into the Light,” I whispered to Jesus, deliberately speaking His words to Him, and acting upon them with all of myself.


Oh My Jenny, He whispered, His voice overflowing with compassion, pity and loving kindness. I was caught up warmly close against His beating heart, safe there, where I suddenly understood something.


“No matter what happens to me, good comes of it,” I said to Him. “Even if I am crushed under the weight of terrible accusation and condemnation, that drives me even more completely to You, where I am released and saved. If I am free and happy, I come to You because I love You and long for You. Whatever happens to me, I end up with You.”


Despite this, inner sight wasn’t coming into focus, and besides, I knew too well that Jesus is always larger and greater than anything I could see that way, despite how much I cherish it.


“But I must be with You by faith,” I said, resigned again to this reality.


You must do all things by faith, Jesus replied, His voice gentle.


March 15, 2015
I like it very much, He said, speaking of my work on the blog up coming, as I was reviewing the work I had done on it with Him- much of it tailored away, so that it became more tightly woven, telling a single story, which happens over time, with His leading.


“That’s because You’re helping me!” I declared, laughing.


Because it was in fact perfectly true- each time, before I started writing, I would glance upward and ask the Holy Spirit please to guide me. I had been asking this now for days, asking again and again that the Holy Spirit help me craft something that would bring glory and honor to Jesus, that would be beautiful to Him and would be good and nourishing for my brother and sisters.


I’ve been asking this in particular about this blog, as I sense that it could go another way, if my soul were writing it and not my spirit in obedience to my beloved Friend, the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Jesus. This is a learning process.


In the last few months, Jesus has been teaching me the importance of waiting on the Holy Spirit. Many times, in quiet moments I can get caught up in composing future blogs in my mind, a blog filled with a passionate desire to edify or comfort His church, but each time, I feel Jesus gently restrain me from even beginning such a blog.


Each time, He points out that my passion was leading the way and not the Holy Spirit, and even in doing good, I must wait on the Holy Spirit. I must lay down even my desire to do good, in order that it might be done in His timing and through Him.


Jesus illustrated it this way- if I took my own words and on my own attempted to do His work, my words would fall like rocks, because they would have no life in them and who knows where they would fall, and my brothers and sisters might experience them as if they were getting hit by rocks, which is certainly not encouraging.

However, if I lay down my own desire in obedience and faith in the Holy Spirit, He will direct the words and carry them effortlessly like the wind,where they need to go and they will have life in them that is not my own.


This is the verse Jesus gave me for this lesson:


"It is the Spirit Who gives life [He is the Life-giver]; the flesh conveys no benefit whatever [there is no profit in it]. The words (truths) that I have been speaking to you are spirit and life."
-John 6:63, AMP


I must wait to speak the words by the Holy Spirit, otherwise they won't have any life. They might have my own passion, even a good passion, but they will fall flat on their own.


March 16, 2015
I kept getting the feeling that I should look up the date of Easter, so I can begin to plan in advance how the next two blogs should be shared, but each time, I said no. I don’t want to do this myself, I want the Holy Spirit alone to direct me. I wanted it to be purely miraculous and have nothing to do even with good planning.


Cooperate, the Holy Spirit said, as I was thinking that. And I received this understanding that the Holy Spirit doesn’t want to do all the work Himself, as though I were inert like a vegetable. He wants me to cooperate with Him, so that we are in stride. It’s a joint venture in the sense that I am obediently keeping step with Him, but it’s all His work in the sense that He is directing and pulling together and overseeing.


“My perception of You is altering,” I told Jesus that evening. It's as though I am small beside Him, though I am not seeing Him. His reality is overwhelming.


Because you asked Me for that, Jesus reminded me.


Of course, because I did. I did ask Him for more presence through faith and He is answering. Sometimes I’m so aware that I’m with Jesus that my voice gets stuck in my throat. It's all I can do just to remain near Him.


March 19, 2015
Unusually peaceful. Writing that last post took the lessons Jesus had been teaching me then further down into my heart. I could see how He was shaping me in such a way that I remained centered always and only on Him. This would be make me light footed in following Him, agile, able to turn quickly and to be obedient without too much fuss.


Also, it occurred to me that my response to Jesus in saying that I wanted always to please Jesus was in fact something similar to what He had said:


“And He who sent Me is with Me; He has not left Me alone, for I always do the things that are pleasing to Him."
-John 8:29


I was in awe! Of course, I had only the deep hunger for that, and Jesus had not only the desire, but the perfect ability. Still, I thought, my goodness, Jesus Himself is teaching me! He is actually shaping my heart to be like His, as I have asked Him many times to do!


Yes! Jesus insisted, as I was thinking this to myself.


And I almost said, “Carry on then,” in loving humor, but I couldn't. I couldn't be light hearted with Him because I was in awe. I was speechless, trying to find something to express my gratitude and love for Jesus Christ, who is guiding me and shaping me.


I realized then, how much that must have honored Jesus, which I had been praying for my blog to do, by the help of the Holy Spirit and so I had to whisper a little prayer to Him- “My Beloved and Holy Conspirator in delighting and honoring Jesus!” I whispered to the Holy Spirit, shyly- because He wants to glorify and reveal Jesus, so sometimes I feel as if we are working together on a mutually delightful and satisfying goal. “Thank You! Thank You for Your help and guiding hand and being steadfast.”


Beloved child, the Holy Spirit said, His voice resonant with love. I felt delight and joy, everything suffused with innocence and light.


Also, it occurred to me how powerful it was that I had turned what had been an obnoxious and constant desire for approval from others, instead straight to Jesus, which made it beautiful, safe and intoxicating. Jesus didn't have to uproot the desire, He just changed its direction toward Himself, toward the true north, as it were.


“Faith is better than sight,” I whispered to Jesus, once, recently, when I was realizing this. Sight comes and goes, but faith connects right straight to Jesus, like an arrow of love to His heart.


March 21, 2015


Inner sight opened in the most delicious way and we were going to the vegetable garden, and as we were walking there through the front room, I was talking with Jesus about sharing that vision of the temple.


“It’s mostly done. I just have to write the introduction, don’t You think?”


Yes, I do, Jesus reassured me.

 

“And I will put in about how I am a symbol myself and that will help any reader to look through me and see the meaning itself and not me…” I said, and waited for His confirmation.


Yes, that’s a good plan.


“And that won’t be so hard to do, because the Holy Spirit will help me to do it."


Yes, Jesus agreed.


"He is my best Friend,” I said to Jesus slowly, realizing this. “He is always beside me, guiding me and comforting me and helping me along.”


Yes, He is.

 

“And that’s not surprising, because He is You- that’s Your Spirit, so everything is whole and I am wholly Yours and wholly within You, which I must be. All that I am must be Yours and only in You.”

 

I turned into His arms, moved suddenly by a desire to pour out my request straight to Him. “I want to be wholly Yours, consecrate me to You always and completely!"

 

Jesus looked down at me, His eyes dancing with His loving humor. As I have been doing right along, each time you have asked Me? And He reminded me, without words, of how many times I'd been asking Him that lately.

 

I ducked my head, smiling. “Yes, I have been asking You that a great deal and yes, You have been answering,” I acknowledged.

 

We stepped down into the space below the grape arbor and in the shade, I turned again to Jesus and held onto Him. “But I must ask again and again,” I whispered to Jesus urgently, almost without words. “I must because You grow larger and so I must give myself to You each time again in greater trust and at deeper levels of my understanding, in greater obedience and love. That is what it feels like to me and I must ask You to help me to do it. How else could I be here?”


Yes, Jenny, Jesus assured me, with such loving kindness. You are growing and I understand why you ask.


Because while the request must be poured out, otherwise it would burn on my heart, it is good to acknowledge His faithfulness and His present and continuing work, even as I request more.


Then we were in the garden and I was kneeling in the soil, Jesus near by, working on the row. The soil was rich and warm from the sun and clean smelling. I leaned forward and put my face close to the warm ground and inhaled the scent.


"Ah, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field that the LORD has blessed,” I quoted aloud, happily, remembering that verse in Genesis. It lingers in my mind, especially sometimes when I kiss my daughter- only usually my daughter smells like chocolate Cheerios and baby shampoo.

 

I saw there was mint in the garden, which had not been there before. I saw the leaves in particular and then I was chewing a mint leaf, feeling the fresh, bright flavor on my tongue.


Then I saw a profusion of oak leaves in the garden, which surprised me and when I looked again, I saw a row of small oak sprouts growing where usually there are tomatoes or strawberries.

“Are You growing a forest?” I asked Jesus, wondering if I was seeing correctly.

Yes, He replied, with certainty.

His hands and forearms were covered with the clean soil as He knelt in the space between the rows. This sight is one of the most pleasing- to see Jesus’ hands covered in clean soil when He is the garden. It fills me with a sense of being safely grounded, of harmony and goodness.


Then my heart was filled with affection for my Daddy, whom I had not seen in a while, so I went to Him and threw my arms around Him and loved Him. I could see nothing at all, but I knew I was in His presence and that I could pour out my love and affection regardless, delighting in the fact that Abba is my own Father, who loves me and welcomes me and keeps me safe.


Your faith is precious, Abba said to me, His voice tender and moved.


Then I saw everything as before coming into focus as I looked at each thing, the floor and walls, the pillar, the window, and Abba Himself standing beside me, very very large- in one respect too large for the space, but in another respect, standing beside me in such a way that I could have my arms around His waist.


Then I saw the Holy Spirit standing beside the window as though loving beyond words but so humble that He waited for an invitation and was happy just to be there. to see those that He loved. His whole presence and person was full of tender sweetness, humility, beautiful and yielding, full of love and delight in others- happy just to see them, to know them, to help them.


Still, knowing it was the Holy Spirit- holy, powerful, the very Spirit of God, I felt a shy to be in His presence.


He is Your best Friend, Abba reminded me.


“He is, You know,” I answered slowly, remembering that I had just been saying that to Jesus, and here was my Daddy repeating tit to me, as if to help me remember. “He really is. He is helping me right along. I count on Him all the time now and He is always there.”


I occurs to me now as I write this that I didn't go over immediately and gladly welcome and love on the Holy Spirit, and I wish that I had. The next time I am given the gift of seeing Him, I will run over to my dearest and faithful Friend and welcome Him with love and thank Him.


*


“If you love me, show it by doing what I’ve told you. I will talk to the Father, and he’ll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can’t take him in because it doesn’t have eyes to see him, doesn’t know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!


“I will not leave you orphaned. I’m coming back. In just a little while the world will no longer see me, but you’re going to see me because I am alive and you’re about to come alive. At that moment you will know absolutely that I’m in my Father, and you’re in me, and I’m in you.


“The person who knows my commandments and keeps them, that’s who loves me. And the person who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and make myself plain to him.”


Judas (not Iscariot) said, “Master, why is it that you are about to make yourself plain to us but not to the world?”


“Because a loveless world,” said Jesus, “is a sightless world. If anyone loves me, he will carefully keep my word and my Father will love him—we’ll move right into the neighborhood! Not loving me means not keeping my words. The message you are hearing isn’t mine. It’s the message of the Father who sent me.


“I’m telling you these things while I’m still living with you. The Friend, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send at my request, will make everything plain to you. He will remind you of all the things I have told you. I’m leaving you well and whole. That’s my parting gift to you. Peace. I don’t leave you the way you’re used to being left—feeling abandoned, bereft. So don’t be upset. Don’t be distraught."
-John 14:15-27, The Message