Last December
23, 2014
Last night I was caught up in worship and prayer. I didn't know which One I was praying toward- Father, Son or Spirit. It seemed I was in the presence of all Three, and I had to pray because this request was a burden in me and it had been growing in weight and now I had to speak it out. In my spirit, I was down on my knees but sometimes reaching upwards in request.
“Let me be so absorbed in You that I am all in Your Holy Spirit and You all in me. Let me be saturated by You," I prayed- which was a massive request and I don't know if that is possible in this lifetime, but it was pouring out of me in those words. Then the next request had to rise up, which also was a request too large for me to understand, but I had to pour the it out.
“Let me love You as You love You," I asked Jesus. "Teach me to love You as God loves God. I want to love You that well, I want to love You that completely. I want to be given that completely to You, I want to know how to love You that well.”
All day long, and for the past few days, I kept seeing myself laying my open hands down before Him- I have to lay them down because they are heavy with surrender. They are so heavy I cannot hold them up or close them. I keep laying them down and now I had to pray this surrender into words.
“I accept,” I said to Jesus in quiet obedience, because I cannot keep pushing it away. I know what He wants me to do. “I accept my limited talents, but I will not withhold them from You. It’s humbling to offer You such imperfection as my own voice and talent before others, but I will offer them all to You as You ask. I accept this humbling and I will offer You all that I have. I will cease to withhold anything, and I know the Holy Spirit will help me to honor You. Without Him, I cannot.
"Holy Spirit, help me to honor Jesus by my words. Take what little I have and bring it to life for His sake. You love to lift Him up and that is also the desire of my heart, so come through me and teach me and guide me and enable me so to honor Jesus that others are drawn to Him in love and freedom and joy and life.”
When I poured out all these words, I felt peace deep within and I could rest in Him.
“Jesus?” I whispered caught up in awe.
Yes, Jenny? He asked tenderly.
The awe took my voice, but I leaned toward Jesus, looking at Him as if seeing Him for the first time. It often is like that. All my love for Him welled up in me, a flood of joy and ardor and wonder. “I love You,” I whispered, directing this flood straight to His heart. “I love You, Jesus. I love You.”
This March 2, 2015
Last night, realized again that it is actually true that the Father and Jesus are involving me in Their work. They don’t need me, but They draw me in and move through me and what an incredible privilege that is- to be drawn into the loving, healing, growing work of God. So I went onto my knees before them and opened my heart as though I could offer it to Them in both my hands and I said, “Thank You. Thank You for involving me! I love it so much, to be drawn into Your work. Thank You for letting me experience that. Help always to be a credit to You until my life is over or until You come again.”
March 9, 2015
Was asking Jesus last night to forgive my sins- sins of greed, self-preservation, self-centered, etc. Was particularly aware of the reality of Jesus, that He was there and listening, that I would see Him one day fully. I was aware of His gentle love, His mercy and His forgiveness.
Jenny, He said, with tender reproach, because I was beginning to circle round around with my confession- to begin anxiously to say it all over again.
“Keep me close to You!” I cried. “Keep me so close to You, right in Your rib cage, suffused by You…"
I saw the heart, the way the whole heart is entirely and deeply in the body, how the heart as an organ is flooded with blood and then releases the blood out and again is flooded again as it goes on beating.
Last night I was caught up in worship and prayer. I didn't know which One I was praying toward- Father, Son or Spirit. It seemed I was in the presence of all Three, and I had to pray because this request was a burden in me and it had been growing in weight and now I had to speak it out. In my spirit, I was down on my knees but sometimes reaching upwards in request.
“Let me be so absorbed in You that I am all in Your Holy Spirit and You all in me. Let me be saturated by You," I prayed- which was a massive request and I don't know if that is possible in this lifetime, but it was pouring out of me in those words. Then the next request had to rise up, which also was a request too large for me to understand, but I had to pour the it out.
“Let me love You as You love You," I asked Jesus. "Teach me to love You as God loves God. I want to love You that well, I want to love You that completely. I want to be given that completely to You, I want to know how to love You that well.”
All day long, and for the past few days, I kept seeing myself laying my open hands down before Him- I have to lay them down because they are heavy with surrender. They are so heavy I cannot hold them up or close them. I keep laying them down and now I had to pray this surrender into words.
“I accept,” I said to Jesus in quiet obedience, because I cannot keep pushing it away. I know what He wants me to do. “I accept my limited talents, but I will not withhold them from You. It’s humbling to offer You such imperfection as my own voice and talent before others, but I will offer them all to You as You ask. I accept this humbling and I will offer You all that I have. I will cease to withhold anything, and I know the Holy Spirit will help me to honor You. Without Him, I cannot.
"Holy Spirit, help me to honor Jesus by my words. Take what little I have and bring it to life for His sake. You love to lift Him up and that is also the desire of my heart, so come through me and teach me and guide me and enable me so to honor Jesus that others are drawn to Him in love and freedom and joy and life.”
When I poured out all these words, I felt peace deep within and I could rest in Him.
“Jesus?” I whispered caught up in awe.
Yes, Jenny? He asked tenderly.
The awe took my voice, but I leaned toward Jesus, looking at Him as if seeing Him for the first time. It often is like that. All my love for Him welled up in me, a flood of joy and ardor and wonder. “I love You,” I whispered, directing this flood straight to His heart. “I love You, Jesus. I love You.”
This March 2, 2015
Last night, realized again that it is actually true that the Father and Jesus are involving me in Their work. They don’t need me, but They draw me in and move through me and what an incredible privilege that is- to be drawn into the loving, healing, growing work of God. So I went onto my knees before them and opened my heart as though I could offer it to Them in both my hands and I said, “Thank You. Thank You for involving me! I love it so much, to be drawn into Your work. Thank You for letting me experience that. Help always to be a credit to You until my life is over or until You come again.”
March 9, 2015
Was asking Jesus last night to forgive my sins- sins of greed, self-preservation, self-centered, etc. Was particularly aware of the reality of Jesus, that He was there and listening, that I would see Him one day fully. I was aware of His gentle love, His mercy and His forgiveness.
Jenny, He said, with tender reproach, because I was beginning to circle round around with my confession- to begin anxiously to say it all over again.
“Keep me close to You!” I cried. “Keep me so close to You, right in Your rib cage, suffused by You…"
I saw the heart, the way the whole heart is entirely and deeply in the body, how the heart as an organ is flooded with blood and then releases the blood out and again is flooded again as it goes on beating.
So I prayed, “Let me be flooded entirely by You, saturated by You and then let me pour out and share all that I have received and then let me be suffused by You, and all the time, cradled and held and kept deep within You, protected by so many layers.”
Do you want that so much? Jesus asked, His voice full of love.
“Yes, I really do,” I confessed, because it was perfect for me. The heart is never seen, but it goes on contributing to the body regardless. It can give a vital service to the body without being known.
It’s already yours, He replied.
April 17, 2015
Just posted the blog about suffering, which was one of the more challenging ones to release. But the Holy Spirit was kind and firm and kept turning me toward the right path, and I kept praying in faith, “Many are the plans in the heart of man, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21
And the Holy Spirit kept prompting me that here was a way to grow in trust and faith. And the calendar verse this morning was:
He led his own people like a flock of sheep, guiding them safely through the wilderness. He kept them safe so they were not afraid.
-Psalm 78:52-53
And each time I went to think about the next blog, the Holy Spirit tells me firmly that it will be the vision of the frogs in the house. Over and over again He has said this, until last night, I said, “Okay, okay, frogs! I will! That will be next!”
Because I’d rather go back and gather up all the scraps that didn’t make it in the last two blogs and make a pleasant, palatable offering, instead of this unwieldy thing that it will be, and I know the reason why He is insisting clearly and this far in advance is because it’s going to be a large, large step of faith for me at every point. That is such an unusual experience and I don't know how to understand it.
The anointing in the inner room has not been strong and so I’ve hardly spent any time with Jesus, it seems to me, even though when I call out to Him, He is right there and sometimes I am with Him for a few wonderfully refreshing moments.
April 23, 2015
Yesterday afternoon I was heavily weighed down by the size of the thing I had to share and the weight of the reality of Jesus and that I would one day be standing face to face with Him, and the gravity of my decisions and the absolute need for me to remain in His Holy Spirit, and to say only those words that He authorized, because how else can I speak to those that are His when I am standing before Him myself?
So in relief and great need, I got down on my knees and put my face down to the carpet and cried out to Him to guide me, purify me, strengthen me and keep me and to have mercy on me and to have mercy on my brothers and sisters, and to continue to guide us and bring us all up together and I poured out all my deepest concerns and again and again cried out for guidance.
After a while, I rested there flat on my back on the carpet for a long time, surrendered and waiting, feeling the Holy Spirit breathing over me. It was like being at the quiet bottom of a brook while the waters ripple over. I was waiting and resting in Him and my faith was going down much, much deeper than myself- because how it is possible for me to be doing or saying these things? It's not possible. I must put myself in the hands of Jesus in absolute trust.
I prayed the Lord’s prayer and tears welled up in my eyes and went trickling down the sides of my face as I prayed that Abba’s name be hallowed and that His Kingdom come and His will be done right here and right now- right here in the physical present with all of us in our daily lives, so varied, so human- as Abba's will is in His immediate and full presence. And I prayed that we all be given our daily Bread- the substance of Jesus, that strengthens us for the day ahead, that Life in us that is from Him and that we must eat and drink in order to have the strength and stability to walk as He walks.
And I prayed that we might all be forgiven our trespasses as we forgive those that have trespassed against us- again and again asking for release and releasing others by faith- that we be released and release others and walk in that freedom of forgiveness which is given and received seventy times seven, again and again, as per the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, who forgave us our sins on the cross.
And lead us not into tests of our righteousness, I cried out to Abba- do not put us to the test! In Your mercy, do not put us to the test, but deliver us all from evil! Deliver us! I cried out. Deliver us all from evil for Thine is the Kingdom, and the power and the glory forever, amen, I prayed.
And I saw a line of brothers and sisters all holding hands and I heard the phrase, "No soldier left behind," and so I prayed, "Dear Jesus, let us all take hands and come up in love together, let us leave no one behind, let no wounded one be left alone- let us all grow up together in love."
Get up and when you go downstairs, close all the other internet windows and simply read what you have written again, and you will understand what I am saying through it, Jesus said.
“I will get up and go downstairs and I will not look at or read anything else, but will simply read again what I have written,” I repeated to myself, as I went down stairs and when I sat at the computer, I did exactly what He said, though I was tempted of course to try and read other things, but I did not glance that way, I closed them all.
When I read the blog again, I did see what Jesus was saying, and I took out the few parts that did not need to remain and added the passage from Mark, and closed it and then I knew I had to simply get through the evening and the night and the only way I could do that was by pure faith, otherwise my anxiety would have been absolutely crushing. I would have to rely on faith alone.
In this way and because of this focus, I was serene. It was so much above my strength that I had to rest entirely on Jesus. It was either rest on Jesus or be crushed completely and tormented by doubt, anxiety and second guessing. So I rested entirely on Him.
“If there was something in there that shouldn’t be in there, the Holy Spirit would have convicted me at any of the many times that I laid the whole thing out to Him,” I said to myself, remembering this with relief, once in the night and then I laughed! For the first time in my life, I was welcoming with relief and even counting on the conviction of the Holy Spirit, instead of quite wrongly dreading it. “Oh my goodness, have I altered,” I said to Jesus in wonder.
I was resting in Him by faith alone and He was huge. He was so huge that I was resting in His heart like it was my cocoon. I had very much the sense of being protected.
“By faith, I rest very close to You,” I said to Jesus, articulating this.
You say My words, He said, filled with a deep, resounding pleasure.
“We are in the boat together,” I said to Jesus, realizing it. Outside of my faith, the storm was raging at us, but it did not matter, because we were curled up together safely. I was hidden in Him. “Let the winds blow,” I whispered to Jesus in love, held strongly by Him. “It does not bother us! Let the waves rise and soak us! What do we care? I am held by You.”
Then He threw a canvas sail over us and we were warm and dry and rocked by the storm and safe in His beating heart. I felt the heavy burden of the words He had given me as if I were carrying them, and merely holding them was taking all my strength, and so it was of utmost importance that I rest completely in Jesus' strength and power.
I woke in the morning to peace and this same sense of being intensely protected and I remembered exactly what I needed to do to finish the blog, which I did, and then I was exhausted, but the Holy Spirit said read it with Me one more time, so I pulled myself together and went through it again and it was peaceful and clarifying and then I released it without any fuss.
Then I went back to bed, drained but peaceful.
April 24, 2015
“You’re stretching my faith out very far,” I told Jesus, because I could feel it, reaching out to Jesus, because of His reality.
Yes, I am, He replied. To fill you even more.
“Even more?” I asked, in amazement. I raised my eyebrows.
I felt such exhaustion from what I had been doing that I could not imagine doing or holding more. I could not even imagine it. I have no idea what that could possible look like or feel like- just trying to consider it in my own strength wore me out.
But I had to remind myself that what I was doing wasn’t in my strength to begin with, so neither would any future work, and so I must continue to rest in Jesus in perfect trust and know that He would finish His work in me and provide me with everything that I would need for whatever He would do through me. So I rested in that.
you're Mine, Jesus said.
“I accept,” I replied, smiling. “I will be Yours forever.”
Which caused Him to laugh. How? He asked me, which is one of His most common questions, and by now I know the answer by heart.
“As Your own flesh and blood, as part Your own body, as one spirit with You through the sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit,” I answered, and then couldn’t speak for the love and when I could speak, I quoted to Him, imperfectly from memory, “For we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit of God, that we should know the things reserved for those that love You- I have Your Holy Spirit and so I know.” And again I could not speak and could not speak for a long time, because of the love of God that I know by the Holy Spirit.
May 2, 2015
I’ve been praying that prayer from Philippians every morning, but lately I have been changing the wording, so that I am praying for everyone, myself included- "That all our love might abound yet more and more... And that we might all together learn to sense what is vital..." As I prayed this morning, I felt the Holy Spirit moving through me in such a way that I had to keep taking in deep, long breaths of air in between each line.
I had to keep
pausing between the phrases, because each phrase filled me with an in filling
rush of the Holy Spirit. It was a rush of light and love and power that filled myself and filled the phrases and swept away with them into His own purpose. I would have to breath it in as deeply as my lungs
could and then continue with the next phrase of the prayer, and then again try
to breath in the rush of the Holy Spirit. I kept bracing my hands on the desk.
When I got to about the second to the last line, I cried out to Jesus, “Dear Lord, please stop!” because physically I couldn't keep up, I didn't yet have the capacity. It wasn’t painful, it was exhilarating. It was the way I imagine surfing might feel like- being swept up along the rising crest of a powerful wave and curling along until it crashes down over you- but my physical body couldn’t continue on that way.
As soon as I asked, the overwhelming rush of the Holy Spirit became a still calm, and I finished the last two lines in the stillness.
"Did I quench the Holy Spirit?" I asked Jesus later, anxiously.
No little one. I know your frame is dust, was His loving answer.
When I got to about the second to the last line, I cried out to Jesus, “Dear Lord, please stop!” because physically I couldn't keep up, I didn't yet have the capacity. It wasn’t painful, it was exhilarating. It was the way I imagine surfing might feel like- being swept up along the rising crest of a powerful wave and curling along until it crashes down over you- but my physical body couldn’t continue on that way.
As soon as I asked, the overwhelming rush of the Holy Spirit became a still calm, and I finished the last two lines in the stillness.
"Did I quench the Holy Spirit?" I asked Jesus later, anxiously.
No little one. I know your frame is dust, was His loving answer.
May 6, 2015
"So that's why I'm like that," I said to Jesus, realizing something.
There's a reason for everything.
I thought about that for a moment. "Then You must always be the reason for everything about me."
I am, Jesus replied.
*
Such is the faith and grace of Jesus that He declares over us what we cannot yet see for ourselves. We seem to be standing in a construction zone, but He sees the finished work.
When I was getting used to His presence in my life four years ago, I became frustrated with the fact that I did not appear to be changing into a supercharged version of myself. I thought I must be letting Jesus down terribly, as He was investing so much of Himself in me and not getting much a return for His time, as far as I could see.
"Why are You with me if You are not going to change me into someone great and impressive and productive?" I cried to Him in frustration.
To be with you! Jesus replied, with just as much intensity in return.
Even so, it took me several more months before I gave up my striving and simply was with Him. All along, I was growing, changing and being renewed, and now looking back, I can see how far He has taken me. But this hasn't happened through my own strength, on my own time line, or in the areas I would have chosen first.
It was all His work as I rested in His love and presence, as I abided with Him, in faith that Jesus would complete what He began in me.
I have a lot in common with my beloved and timeless brethren from Galatia, and often feel as though this passage is speaking straight to me, the dearly idiotic:
"O you dear idiots of Galatia, who saw Jesus Christ the crucified so plainly, who has been casting a spell over you? I will ask you one simple question: did you receive the Spirit of God by trying to keep the Law or by believing the message of the Gospel? Surely you can’t be so idiotic as to think that a man begins his spiritual life in the Spirit and then completes it by reverting to outward observances? Has all your painful experience brought you nowhere? I simply cannot believe it of you! Does God, who gives you his Spirit and works miracles among you, do these things because you have obeyed the Law or because you have believed the Gospel? Ask yourselves that."
-Galatians 3:1-5, Phillips
