June 9, 2015
Deeply
bothered by judgments I was making all over the place at all kinds of people
for all kinds of things, and realized I was projecting those judgments outward
because I was judging myself harshly, terrified of the things Jesus has been teaching
me about what He is asking me to do and the way my prayers have grown.
Therefore, I
am wanting myself to be perfect and trying to do it by judging and punishing
myself harshly to try and whip myself into shape and so also projecting that
outward- which is what always happens; this is a pattern. If I begin to judge
myself harshly, it is also what I give outward.
“It’s scary!”
I said to Jesus, getting to the heart of the problem.
Not in Me, Jesus assured me.
Because of
course, His life is the true source of my life. I cannot be righteous and holy
apart from Him, but only as I abide in Him by faith, trusting Jesus to finish
that work that He has begun in me. That way, when He speaks, I hear and when He
moves, I follow because I am resting quietly and not obsessed with my own
spiritual progress- that is, my eyes are off of myself and onto Him.
Understanding this, I let go
of the judgments and had compassion on myself and put my whole trust in Jesus
and not my own ability or lack thereof.
June 20, 2015
I was watching Merissa’s long hands as she played. Even at two years old, her hands are already elegant looking, and realized with such sadness that none of her beauty comes or will ever come from me. I have bequeathed her none of what makes her lovely. All of those things are gifts from her birthmother.
June 20, 2015
I was watching Merissa’s long hands as she played. Even at two years old, her hands are already elegant looking, and realized with such sadness that none of her beauty comes or will ever come from me. I have bequeathed her none of what makes her lovely. All of those things are gifts from her birthmother.
Your gift will be her inner beauty, Jesus said.
I thought
that was a lovely thing for Him to say and I knew it was true, but the sadness
remained and I let it be. I knew over time His words would sink in and do their
healing work.
July 9, 2015
As I was
anxiously praying again for Jesus to guide me, I realized part of my fears was
based on not wanting to appear wrong in public- based on pride and self-image.
Humbly confessed this, thanked the Holy Spirit was making that clear to me,
because it was a subtle distinction, and released this fear into God.
“I let go of
the need to appear right before others. I am willing to let my self-image die
so long as I am obedient to You. I am willing to risk appearing wrong to others
if that is necessary in order to be right before You.”
I felt Jesus
reach down and tip my face up to His. I
love you, He stated.
This is quite
similar to another time when I was anxiously begging Jesus that He teach me and
guide me and keep me, and instead of reaching clarity, the request kept coming
out all jumbled somehow, so I asked Him in desperation, “Do You know what I’m
trying to say?”
He calmly
replied, Yes. You want a faultless
doctrine before others so that you will be approved by them.
Hearing Jesus
say this was like I had been stumbling around in panic and then hitting a wall-
I was stunned, but the panic was gone. I put my hand over my mouth, shocked and distressed by
what I had really been wanting from Him.
“That it what
I was asking You,” I confessed, “but I repent; forgive me. I don’t want that.
That is no longer my request. I want You and You alone. I don’t care what it
costs me to have You. I don’t care what judgments come my way. I want You.”
July 17, 2015
Early
yesterday evening, I prayed Keith would be restored and refreshed after a long period
of stress over his heath and that he be fed with the good green grass and led
beside the still waters and then Jesus said, go down.
So I said,
“Yes, beloved Lord,” and went downstairs to find Keith. He was outside watering
the garden, which he hadn’t done in a while and he looked peaceful and happy.
The first thing he told me was that just a few moments ago, his health had
improved in one area.
“That’s a
really good sign!” he said to me, and he went on peacefully watering the lawn.
When I told him that I had just been praying for exactly that, he didn’t even
seem surprised, but I was caught up in some feeling that I can’t describe very
well. It was close to awe, but there was so much peace to it.
July 30, 2015
“Is that too
childish?” I asked Jesus.
Unless you convert and become like little
children, you cannot enter the Kingdom at all, Jesus reminded me.
“Oh yes. I
keep forgetting that.”
You should remember.
August 1, 2015
Jenny, I love you, Jesus keeps saying, but I am in one of those periods where my faith is so small a circumference that I can’t understand how that is possible. But I remember this from before- this feeling always comes before an expansion of faith and sight.
August 1, 2015
Jenny, I love you, Jesus keeps saying, but I am in one of those periods where my faith is so small a circumference that I can’t understand how that is possible. But I remember this from before- this feeling always comes before an expansion of faith and sight.
For days now,
I’ve been feeling strongly that feeling of reproach that happens after I blog. Those
feelings of reproach say- how dare you be that close, impudent and ridiculous, that embarrassingly childish, that intimate and ignorant around God? How dare you say, let it
be done? That is wrong, that is all wrong and you are making a fool of yourself
and letting God down in front of other people who know better.
Sometimes I have to take ibuprofen at the end of the day, because my shoulders and back ache from the stress, but it’s always been this way from the very first time I began to write about God. At the beginning I suffered the most, but now I thank Jesus for His work, because my faith grows continually through it. Nothing but good comes from it.
Sometimes I have to take ibuprofen at the end of the day, because my shoulders and back ache from the stress, but it’s always been this way from the very first time I began to write about God. At the beginning I suffered the most, but now I thank Jesus for His work, because my faith grows continually through it. Nothing but good comes from it.
I felt this
wave of reproach wash over me again, so again, I put the whole mess into the
hands of Jesus by faith and I said to Him, “Thank You for the growth of my
faith through this.”
Jenny, you are My icebreaker, Jesus replied.
For the month
of August, I have gone on off the internet except for posting blogs. I’ve been
thinking about doing this for a little while, because I was getting too hooked
in. I do this usually for Lent and each time I have, I have experienced
significant growth in my relationship with Jesus in an area that was necessary.
It’s wonderfully still. I asked Jesus if I should again and He said yes, do so.
I sighed, because
of course, it’s hard to stop at first, but I thought to myself, I’ll wait and
see if I get another confirmation. Then I was cleaning out the cupboards for
the new dishes and thinking about it again and I said to myself, “But how will
I get fed?” I wouldn’t have grown so much if not for everything that I was
learning from others through websites and blogs and things.
I will feed you, Jesus said.
So that was
that.
August 6,
2015
I keep
thinking about being at the ocean visiting with Merissa’s birth parents a month
ago and how on the last day, it became clear that despite our polite and firm
request that they not bring their significant others, as we wanted Merissa just
to spend time with her immediate birth family, that they had brought them along
anyway and that the two strangers on the beach were not in fact strangers.
Eventually, all attempts to disguise the relationships were given up and it seemed
we were to become one odd group.
I took Merissa
up to the hotel room. We had been out in the sun all afternoon, but I needed
space to think. We had wanted to take them out to eat, but now what? I felt
shaky inside, because we had been lied to, as they had agreed to those earlier
stated boundaries, and I wondered, was our request burdensome? But didn’t it
make sense? After all, we had driven six hours down to where they lived, to
make it convenient for them so they would not have to spend money on a hotel
room. We did this so that Merissa could have a meaningful, memorable time with
people that will always be an important part of her life, and also, to ease the
pain of two people that we have come to care about a great deal.
But now what?
I felt the trust was broken and now what about dinner? Was everyone going to
come? The boundaries we had put in place had been disrespected and now should
we say, politely but firmly, “We already told you how we felt about having
anyone else but us together this weekend, so I’m afraid these people cannot be
with us as group”?
Keith and I
talked and we could not say that, even if it was justified. I felt angry and
trapped by the situation. Keith went down to speak to them about dinner, and
then suddenly they were coming up the elevator and they all were coming to the
hotel room, as they had checked out of theirs and they needed a place to change
out of their bathing clothes.
I felt angry
and frustrated at our boundaries being disrespected, and what I wanted to do
was come up with some consequence, but I couldn’t think of what that would be,
unless it were to stop visiting with them, which was a drastic consequence. I
felt trapped and resentful at being put in the strange position where I found
myself, and a part of me felt as though treating them coldly or keeping them at
a distance would be justified.
“I don’t know
what to do, I don’t know what to say,” I said to Jesus, in desperation.
I was a stranger and you welcomed Me, He said.
That was all
He had to say. His unmistakable voice left a calm space in me and I had only a
moment to thank Him before the door opened and they all spilled in- all of them
hardly past adolescence really. Their entrance held all that energy particular
to adolescence- a mix of heady thrill at outwitting the parents (I realized we
were the parent figures) and shame at having done something they knew was
wrong. I held out my hand to them as though simply reaching past all that,
brushing it aside for the moment, and warmly welcomed them without any
awkwardness at all. The wariness of their faces melted immediately into
surprise and their high energy turned to bashfulness, and then an earnest
desire to be seen as adults.
They watched
Keith especially as he spoke with them easily, as he is able to do so well. He
can’t help himself, he must mentor and coach and listen. He
did it for his tank crew during training and during deployment and he did this
for the young officers when he was the mission commander of their three week
long field training, and for those wounded men he was responsible for during
their healing- or until they passed away.
Now these
young men watched him with eyes hungry for approval and not wanting it to show
and not aware that it was, the conversation centering around cars and dirt
bikes and jobs. I watched. It was as if they slowly straightened up and their
eyes grew bright and they looked around them with surprise.
Merissa’s
birthmother looked at me and I saw the surprise in her eyes and also chagrin.
Her eyes were full of apology. I realized in that moment that she must be
caught up in hundred different directions, pulled here and pulled there by all
the people in her life that she is trying to please or to placate or to manage.
It was as if she was looking through me and trying to figure me out, because I
wasn’t fitting any category she had known before.
So we all
went to dinner together, one large unlikely and unwieldy family- except for
Merissa’s birth father, who said good bye to her at the hotel parking lot. He
stood outside the car, leaning in the window at and he held out his hand to
her, his face soft with love and sadness.
“Will you
give me a high five?” he asked. He is a gentle young man and his voice came out
gently.
I saw her
face. She was looking at him with wonder and this wonder turned to trust and
not taking her eyes off his face, she put her hand gently into his palm. It was
a perfect moment.
“Thank you.
That means a lot to me,” he said quietly.
At the
restaurant, we were waiting in line to order pizza and one of the young men
said to me, “Merissa really is adorable,” and I said without thinking, “Thank
you!” Only Merissa’s birthmother was right there. I saw a look of pain pass
over her face and she swooped down and gathered Merissa up in her arms and
covered her little face with kisses and buried her face in her hair.
I felt so
badly. Naturally, when people give me compliments on my daughter, who truly is
a lovely little toddler, I say proudly, “Thank you!” I don’t add, “All that
adorableness is from her birthmother, who loves her,” because really, that’s
too much to drop onto a friendly middle aged woman at the grocery store
who is most likely fondly remembering her own children when they were young.
I didn’t know
what to do at the time, but later when her birthmother was holding Merissa and
taking pictures of them both with her phone, I said, “You know she really looks
just like you. I tell her often that she looks pretty just like her
birthmother.” She looked up at me with shy but wary gratitude, so I went on
bravely, “She especially has your hands. I notice that often.”
Immediately,
she pulled Merissa’s hand up into view, saying, “I wonder if she had my crooked
pinky…” Then she held the tiny hand out to me in wonder, set next to her own,
long fingered, elegant one. “She does!”
I looked at
her eager young face, her eyes filled with a mix of so much emotion and all I
felt was a largess of compassion, clear and tender. It filled me entirely.
By the time
we said goodbye- not just for the evening, but for the trip, as they were
heading home that night- the young woman was tired and slumped down, no doubt
worn out from the intensity of every emotion that comes up for her during the
visit. It’s really quite courageous and loving of Merissa’s birth mother and
father to come. It is not easy for them.
“Next year,
I’ll have a week’s vacation!” she told us, struggling to break through the
sadness and look forward to something good. She looked from Keith’s face to
mine and back again.
“That is
wonderful,” we assured her. “That sounds great!”
Keith shook
hands all around and said to her boyfriend, “We’ll see you next year,” and I
felt annoyed at him for a moment, because I’m not a saint and I did not have
grace enough for next year just yet. I still felt like writing them a stiff and
formal e-mail expressing my displeasure, but I haven’t, and I am so grateful to
Jesus for helping me during an emotionally intense situation when I might have made a graceless decision that I would have regretted afterward.
It’s
reasonable to us to want to meet with only Merissa’s birth parents, but it
might not feel reasonable to them and they probably need all the emotional
support they have during that time. Also, it’s possible that no one in their
life keeps their word, so they don’t think it means anything to say one thing
and then to do another. They might think that’s standard practice.
It makes me
think of how grace is unmerited favor and mercy, and how mercy is compassion or
forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or
harm, and how often Jesus pours out His grace toward me. I keep thinking of how
Jesus said, “But go and learn what this means- I desire mercy and not sacrifice.”
It makes me think how necessary it is to be led by the Holy Spirit and
not by rote formula. Rote formula
would not have helped me figure out what to do, but the fruits of the Holy
Spirit are love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self-control, and against those there is no law.
*
Therefore, now no condemnation awaits those who are living in Jesus the Anointed, the Liberating King, because when you live in the Anointed One, Jesus, a new law takes effect. The law of the Spirit of life breathes into you and liberates you from the law of sin and death. God did something the law could never do. You see, human flesh took its toll on God’s law. In and of itself, the law is not weak; but the flesh weakens it. So to condemn the sin that was ruling in the flesh, God sent His own Son, bearing the likeness of sinful flesh, as a sin offering. Now we are able to live up to the justice demanded by the law. But that ability has not come from living by our fallen human nature; it has come because we walk according to the movement of the Spirit in our lives.
If you live your life animated by the flesh—namely, your fallen, corrupt nature—then your mind is focused on the matters of the flesh. But if you live your life animated by the Spirit—namely, God’s indwelling presence—then your focus is on the work of the Spirit. A mind focused on the flesh is doomed to death, but a mind focused on the Spirit will find full life and complete peace.
Romans 8:1-6, Voice