Friday, February 5, 2016

February 5th

November 2, 2015

Driving home in the rain and I lost in thought about how I must follow the Holy Spirit’s leading and also trust that He is leading me along faithfully, even though sometimes I worry that I could have done better.

I was pondering this and other things when I felt Jesus draw my attention away from my thoughts and directly to the road, specifically to the steep slope of the hill and the puddle that was likely at the end of it, because it was raining very hard, and He said, brake.

I didn’t feel any fear, though I realized I should have been braking, because I could see the puddle by then and it was who knows how deep, but it went all the way across my lane and half way into the next lane and was at least as long as the car. I hit the brakes gently twice, slowing us down and then Jesus said, let off the brake and hold the car straight.

It was a perfectly intelligible instruction, though it came more in pictures than words; Jesus brought each action to my mind in a strong flow, and I did exactly what He said. I let off the brake and held the steering wheel loosely in my hands, not turning it to either side and the car coasted smooth as air right over the puddle. We went perfectly straight and smooth as silk over the water and landed on the pavement on the other side and we went forward as usual. I felt exhilarated, as though I had just been on a small, fast, very smooth rollercoaster ride. “Thank You, Lord!” I exclaimed, joyfully, and then sobered up and paid closer attention, but without any fear at all.

November 18, 2015

Just now recovering from an intense four or five days where Keith’s right knee ballooned up twice the size and he was in so much pain that he was outright crippled.

Terribly compressed during this time, all sorts of chaff flying up from both of us. Kept leaning into Jesus again and again and again, each time accepting the refinement. Learned to find refreshment in the very act of service and not the down time, because there was no down time. Whenever I could, curled up close to Jesus, breathed Him in, close to Him, drinking in His presence. So aware of Jesus, aware that He is bringing Keith and I up through this process, and that one day, I will see Him.

Came upstairs at the end of a long day to find that the wind had knocked the picture off the wall and scattered long, jagged glass shards everywhere in the carpet. Close to ten o'clock, I was on my knees winding the cord up, bone tired and again I realized it profoundly- that I would see Jesus and have Him and tears filled my eyes at the certain knowledge and again, I accepted as a gift the refinement of that moment, and the next, and the next.

Meditating very much on Martha and Mary, how Jesus had told them that their brother’s sickness would not end in death, but would be for the glory of God and how would they understand this when Lazareth died? That’s the faith I must have regarding Keith’s pain.

November 23, 2015

Still feeling terribly dry, though during prayer, speaking right to Jesus as though right into His ear regarding loving with discernment. “But it’s so strange,” I confessed to Him, “to be working on journal entries that fill me with love and which record some of the most anointed times of knowing You and yet right now to feel so dry.”

Jesus didn’t answer, but He put His arm around me and gave me something to eat, which I ate. That’s been happening a few times lately and I recognize it from before, but I’m still not sure what it means, except obviously to eat His words so that later I can speak them.

When I read this later, I’ll wonder what I was talking about, because to read my journal is to see nothing but an outpouring of Jesus’ presence and words. However, right now I can’t get to the perception of Jesus' immediate presence with leads to ecstatic worship and refreshing, and I can’t seem to do that for several reasons.

I have more time now, but I’m so exhausted that I can't stay awake. When I am not sleeping, I can see Jesus, and I can rest in His arms and I do feel the peace of this, but it’s only for a moment or so and then I can’t see it and there isn’t the almost effortless relating or the nearly seamless seeing that can go on for hours, and I can’t seem to trust Jesus at the deepest levels necessary for that relating. Right now, it boggles my mind.

Ever since taking that step He asked me to do, I’ve been in flux and been harassed by terrible thoughts or motives or outcomes and actually two or three times I sternly said, “May the Lord Jesus Christ rebuke you!” because of the yucky atmosphere, and immediately such thoughts were gone and then I prayed, “Holy Spirit, cleanse the thoughts of my heart by the inspiration of Your Holy Spirit, that I may perfectly love Jesus and worthily magnify His great name.”

But the attacks kept on coming and Jesus made clear to me that this is just pushback against His will and good plans from taking that step, as it was His will, so in a way this is just confirmation that I am on the right path and I can just ignore it because Jesus Christ is Lord and His will is done in my life- I have opened a new door for you, He had said. And He had said, over and over again, Yes, when I asked Him. And then that morning, when I was assailed with fear again, Jesus told me not to be afraid and changed my perspective on the fear.

And now Jesus is telling me simply to wait on Him before taking the next step, and look to Him always and to wait for His timing to speak anything at all, so I am waiting and saying nothing more.

In fact, Jesus has been firm and directive lately, and many times saying No. For example, I was thinking about how long it was taking to share the backstory on my blog and how it would really be years and that’s such a long time! I share current things only every two weeks, and they get pushed back and back farther in time. I thought to myself and to Jesus- because I always assume that He is listening in and paying attention to my formulation of ideas- “Maybe I should post more often…"

And Jesus said, No.

I thought, “Wow! That was clear and quick! But just to be sure… Jesus, don’t You think I should share more?” To be honest, even as I was saying this, I was feeling His continual no, but I finished my sentence and I said, “What if I posted twice a week?”

No, Jesus repeated firmly.

“It’s taking so long!”

There will be time, He assured me.

Also, when I went to pick up Keith from the airport after his trip to Colorado, I wanted to take the back road, but it seemed like there wouldn’t be enough time, but then again, it might be best, but Jesus said, take the direct highway.

Yes, Jesus, I will,” I replied, immediately, pushing my fears aside. “And You will guide me all the way.”

All the way, He assured me.

So I went the direct way, and He pointed out the signs along the way to show the exits and then as I was going up the exit and wondering about which lane went straight and which turned right, become sometimes they have a double function. I didn’t want to get into the wrong lane and have to switch lanes in mid flow, which is the one of the most stressful things ever. Jesus said, straight ahead. I went straight up the middle lane and it was the only correct one.

When we got there, Keith was waiting by the curb and he said he had only been there a minute, but if I had gone the long way, he would have been left standing there ten or fifteen minutes with aching back and knees and exhausted from his flight and no sleep, having had to get up at midnight to drive up to Denver to return his rental car and catch his flight. So I praised Jesus for knowing everything in advance and for having guided me right along.

Today as I was folding clothes I was thinking about going for a walk later on instead of resting and Jesus showed me Flat Rock park and said go there, and park at the beginning.

So I said, “Okay, just like we always used to! I think I used to always start there…” Then I remembered that I used to walk there, because we lived that close, and that I had walked in through that entrance.

Later as I was driving, I was stressed and anxious and I thought, “I’ll just go to the Fall Line Trace and walk there. That’s less far from home and just as pretty.”

But the Holy Spirit reminded me that Jesus had already told me where to go and even where to park and that I had agreed. But I felt confused about this, because all this clear direction is something quite new and I’m still adjusting to it, and Jesus hadn’t used to be this clear or to have such clear expectations. I remembered His grace like a wide green fields or a slow deep river. Now I seemed to be barreling through narrow paths and unable to go right or left, because Jesus was giving me direct, clear orders, one right after the other, and so running off would be something quite different here.

But as I was driving, I was thinking, “I wonder if this really is from Jesus. I feel like it would be much more practical to the Fall Line Trace… And Jesus never used to talk to me like this- with so many commands! What if I'm falling back into legalism! What's going on, anyway? I’m just going to make my own decision! I’m going to Fall Line Trace and park the car there and walk there!”

As I said this, my inner spiritual self reached up and pulled something off over my head- that is, as I declared the thought of going my own way, I saw and felt this thought illustrated by a spiritual action that I was taking, and the spiritual action was to take something off.

I couldn’t tell what it was at first, because I hadn’t known I had been wearing it and so this whole thing was completely unexpected. But it distinctly came off over my head with many long trailing pieces of leather, and really heavy, metal studded stiff leather plates and the immediate impression that I had of it was that I had been wearing a harness. The word, harness, leapt into my mind, and I could see all the straps that had secured me into it and that had secured me to something else, so it was like a driving yoke, but it was also heavy and padded like a piece of armor.

I sat there in my car frozen with wonder, trying to come to terms with this whole thing, and wondering what on earth was happening to me and if this was good or bad. I remember driving up through the sunshine to the intersection and everything that I was seeing physically was normal, but trying to come to terms with, not just with what I had perceived, but the whole peculiarity of my life.

I couldn’t tell if I’d just done something quite good or quite bad- was the harness a yoke of slavery that I had just been freed from or was it something quite necessary that I had just disobediently gotten out from under? This lack of understanding was the most distressing part of the whole experience. (In retrospect, the fact that this yoke was so light and easy and perfectly well fitting that I hadn't even known it was on me should have been a large clue!)

I was praying in a deep, wordless cry of help to the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit immediately reminded me of first of this verse: "But solid food is for the [spiritually] mature, whose senses are trained by practice to distinguish between what is morally good and what is evil," (Hebrews 5:14 AMP) and then this verse: "And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you]. (Romans 12:2 AMP)

The Holy Spirit then assured me that I hadn’t done anything bad by testing the experience, and that I was learning strong meat discernment and that one must learn that by experience- so it is not completely and immediately obvious. I had never realized that before because I had always assumed that one would immediately and always know these things, and if one didn't know, it must be automatically bad, but instead one must learn to discern and to test and this is an expected part of one's walk with Jesus.

So that helped a great deal, and then the Holy Spirit reminded me that I was yoked in with Jesus, and He pointed out that obedience was a form of spiritual protection. I remembered Jesus saying, My yoke is easy and My burden light, and these things together told me that what I had taken off was something extremely important to me, and that the trailing lines had firmly attached me to Jesus, yoking me in with Him securely and firmly and that this was also a form of strong, resilient armor that protected me in spiritual warfare.

I understood this because I had a sudden vision of myself earlier, in the house, when in fact I had been moving through some very intense warfare- far worse than usual- and I saw myself at the feet of Jesus and weary, but heavily protected and firmly secured in the harness, so that all along, the blows were being diffused by the armor and the harness had been holding me up and close to Jesus.

Understanding this, I felt guilty for having been disobedient and rebellious and not immediately recognizing something so spiritually important and swiftly repented.

I said, “Jesus, I’m going to Flat Rock park and I’m parking right at the beginning and I’m walking from there, just like You said.” As I spoke this, I briefly felt the harness close firmly and securely around my torso and the sensation was relieving and reassuring.

Then Jesus assured me again that I must not be afraid to test things to see if they are His will- it doesn’t offend Him, so long as I am desiring His will.

November 25, 2015

Finally, finally, finally able to go right down in to the depths of Jesus presence and breathe in His atmosphere, all the weariness of running my course and the bruises and questions falling away in the presence of Jesus; I saw clearly and could breathe.

I’ve been with you right along, Jesus with me, compassionately.

“It’s been so much and different!” I confessed, bringing up the different way in which Jesus has been speaking to me.

I’ve been training you in obedience and discernment, He explained.

“Please do so,” I agreed. “I accept, I thank You  in advance for Your perfect training. I don’t care how difficult it is, I trust You all the way through it and I thank You for Your perfect work in my life. It’s worth it.”

I was drinking and drinking His presence in like water, and breathing deeply, soaking in His presence, which was living and sweet and well known and personal.

“This is what I want, I want this,” I declared to Him with abandon. “To be close You is better than life, better than life, better than life… Though I’ve never even come close to be tested on that…” I confessed.

You have come close, Jesus whispered, reminding me of some things I had forgotten.

January 24, 2016

The Lord Jesus is saying:

Beloved, don’t turn aside when I speak to you. When I speak to you, it is in My overflowing mercy. In My grace and My steadfast love I speak to you. Listen to Me, My beloved, for I long to set you upright before Me, to set you upon the straight path, to take from you what is even now passing away and to give to you those things that will never pass away.

Haven’t I chosen you? Haven’t I made you? You are the work of My hands and I delight in you. I have a place for you in My Kingdom, I have work for you to do. Let go of what is passing away.

Can you lose something if I have given it to you? If I have not, it’s better for you that it should pass away. It is My grace that I take from you what you cannot keep.

My beloved ones, turn to Me and let go of what cannot pass through My holy fire. I will give you gold and silver and precious stones; let Me adorn you with the riches of heaven so that you can go forward with Me.

My grace is pouring out to you in My words. It’s in My love for you that I speak. Which one of My servants hasn’t been humbled before Me? No flesh will boast before Me. I tell you, every one of My servants have passed through the fire, every one of them has been made clean by the words I speak, and I go on pruning those that are Mine so that they might produce richer and better fruit. No one will lord over you in My Kingdom of the blessed; the meek and the merciful, the forgiven and the forgiving.

My plans for you are good! I have plans to give you a hope and a future. You are created for My glory, but how can I be glorified in you and you with Me if you do not first suffer with Me in My love?

My heart is torn within Me! My heart is filled with grief; don’t harden your heart when Mine is breaking. I am suffering in My love for the lost, for the hurting! My heart is breaking; I am crying out, I am crying out to them. I am longing for them!

Don’t walk upstream, don’t stand stiff in the outpouring of My love, don’t turn aside from Me when I call out to you with breaking heart and the crucified hands that created you.

Turn! Turn to Me! In My love I am calling out to you. All of My sheep have gone astray, but with Me, there is an abundance of forgiveness, I am overflowing with mercy, let the oil of My love for you wash down over your stiffness- I know when you are frightened! I know when you feel ashamed!

When I shine a light in the dark, it is so you may come into the light! Come into My light, beloved, that I may dress you in white, so that your eyes may be full of My light, so that you may see as I do. When My word cuts down between the soul and the spirit, it’s to set you free to love Me and follow Me with all that I made you to be.

Your whole life is open to Me. I know what you have done and what you are thinking; I already know! Don’t hide from Me- listen to Me, I see everything and I love you! It’s in My love that I am calling to you.

I will not shame you! I will not turn aside from you! Turn to Me, confess to Me so that I might make you all that you were meant to be, so that I might use you as an agent of forgiveness, restoration and grace. I will give you all that you need in order to do this. No one can love as I do in their own strength, but I will give you My love, I will grow you in My love so that you will blossom and be overflowing with fruit that glorifies our Father, that never passes away.

That one who is lost, who has been driven away, who has been left behind prison bars, where is that lost one? Where is that one limping slowly away in hard and lonely places, hurt and finding nowhere to lie down?

I am going out to seek him, I am going out to find him and I will not stop searching until I bring him home to Me. He is precious to Me.

Beloved, how can you not know Me?

Who is that poor and pitiful one who stands a stranger to you, naked, starving and thirsty, weak and dizzy with sickness and in chains?

Who is the least of these My brethren?

Do I change? Do My words pass away?

How can you not know Me?

Don’t turn away from Me when I call out to you. Everything that is not going to stand in My Kingdom is passing away, but it is better for you that it should. I have better things for you than the hay, straw and wood.

I long to hand over all that is in heaven and earth to my Father and to your Father, so that He might become All in All and My longing is running out toward that end. Don’t stand stiff in the outpouring of My longing, but turn and let Me adjust you and set you upright and on your feet and in the right place.

No one will be able to stand in the day of My coming; all will kneel. I am a consuming fire and everyone will pass through this. Come to Me now! Come to Me now! Now is the time, now is the hour of salvation. Do not harden your hearts when you hear My voice, but pass through into My rest, in My arms. Let go of your own life and to what is passing away so that you might have those things that will never pass away.


Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his master made ruler over his household, to give them food in due season? Blessed are those servants whom his master, when he comes will find so doing. Assuredly I say to you that he will make him ruler over all his goods.
-Matthew 24:45-47, NKJV