May 30, 2016
Finally with Jesus by the simple remembrance that I know Him.
“You are not
a stranger, You are not a stranger!” I was saying in relief and Jesus was
laughing.
“You are
doing all things well, but sometimes I implore You,” I said to Him.
Implore Me, intercede, Jesus encouraged me.
We were
standing on the front lawn, after having passed over the water that lies
deep under the grape trellis. I had put my hand in the water. It was clear,
light and coated my hand. Then we passed over the garden. The soil was dry and clean and loose, but there was nothing growing in
there. I realized it must be ready for a new sowing and a new harvest.
A few days
ago, was reading about the collectors of the Temple tax coming to Peter and
asking him if his Teacher paid that tax and Peter says yes.
Then it says,
when Peter came into the house… And suddenly it struck me that Jesus must have been living with Peter. And James and John must have been close by as they
were business partners. So those three were very close to Jesus, because even
when they weren’t with Him going around doing good in Galilee, they were with
Him day to day, because He lived with them.
But then
again, He moved there with His mother and brothers, so maybe they rented or
bought a house of their own, and they were all going in and out of several
houses. (I did an internet search later and found this.)
Then I
wondered about the other twelve. Did they also move to Capernaum so they could
be with Him all the time? I wonder. Let us choose
another who was going in and out with us from the beginning, they say in Acts,
when they decide to choose another apostle to replace Judas Iscariot.
Going in and
out means, in part, going in and out of the house. So there must have been many of them
all together in that town, and the other disciples were probably coming and
going as well, but less regularly, because sometimes it says that He called His disciples to Him.
In any case,
Peter came in the house where Jesus was, and Jesus says, “Simon, what do you
think?” And the tenderness in His voice was great. Then Jesus goes onto say,
“Nevertheless, lest we offend them…"
Lest we
offend them!
Here is Jesus
who is constantly offending the Pharisees and Sadducees, and He is
willing to pay the temple tax in order not to offend them.
Because Jesus
didn’t want to offend them- that wasn’t His goal. Jesus is meek and humble of
heart. He said blessed are the makers and maintainers of peace, for they will
be called the sons of God.
My heart
melted in love for Jesus, for His courtesy, His humility, His gracious love and
yet also His burning passion that causes Him to speak the truth at whatever cost to Himself.
June 1, 2016
Been drinking
in the New Testament, reading every time I can sit down and the words, chapters
and books open up to me like never before, and I can understand what they are
saying like I never could before, and it seems to me that they are in the
middle of a war. They are writing to their vulnerable new allies and pleading
and encouraging and informing them to stand strong, to remain in the faith, to
become increasingly established in the knowledge of God, to be rightly formed,
and above all things, to love the brethren.
They want them grown up, the seed of the word to take root, to grow, become strong and to bear fruit for the Kingdom- to be so strongly grounded in the Lord that there is no more danger of being swayed by winds of doctrine or by persecution.
They are saying that they themselves heard and saw Jesus Christ! They are witness, and when they say, “as the apostles said or told you,” they mean those were the very people that were in the presence of Jesus day in and day out, going in and out with Him, hearing His voice, witnesses His miracles and His resurrection, and soaking in His teaching, and now they are passing that teaching onto others, and this is their passion.
They want them grown up, the seed of the word to take root, to grow, become strong and to bear fruit for the Kingdom- to be so strongly grounded in the Lord that there is no more danger of being swayed by winds of doctrine or by persecution.
They are saying that they themselves heard and saw Jesus Christ! They are witness, and when they say, “as the apostles said or told you,” they mean those were the very people that were in the presence of Jesus day in and day out, going in and out with Him, hearing His voice, witnesses His miracles and His resurrection, and soaking in His teaching, and now they are passing that teaching onto others, and this is their passion.
It is life or
death for them. It’s not a question of if they will be killed, but when. Peter
especially has a passion, a burden, to give his spiritual children every bit of
bracing, encouragement and information that he possibly can before his
departure.
But Paul!
Paul’s burning, never ending out pouring of passion- pleading, threatening,
imploring, explaining, sometimes exploding. He really does labor for the Body
with all the super human energy that Jesus Christ, through His Holy Spirit, is
giving him:
“Him we
preach and proclaim, warning and admonishing everyone and instructing everyone
in all wisdom- comprehensive insight into the ways and purposes of God, that we
may present every person mature; full-grown, fully initiated, complete, and
perfect in Christ the Anointed One.
For this I
labor unto weariness, striving with all the superhuman energy which He so
mightily enkindles and works within me.” (Colossians 1:28-29)
I thank Jesus
increasingly for them, for their holy labor, for their passion and their
incredible sacrifice for the Body of Christ, which includes me!
Last
night, I was thinking about it again, how they were facing such odds- over and
over again, they warn about false prophets and bad doctrine which seems to be
oozing into the new church from every side and drawing people astray, sometimes
whole families, and on every side they are facing severe persecution- losing
homes, property, and their lives, and as they work and suffer for the Lord, being mocked and belittled as time goes by and
Jesus doesn’t return and it seems like they assumed He would return right away.
“The odds
were stacked against them so high!” I said to Jesus, understanding this in a way I never had been, and horrified by the opposition to His church in all of these ways.
As I was thinking about this, Jesus reminded me that the church was all the while growing!
Growing rapidly, by hundreds, sometimes thousands of people at a time.
But the gates of hell could not prevail against it, Jesus
reminded me.
The
understanding that exploded into my spirit upon hearing those words!
“The gates of
hell could not prevail against Your church!” I cried out to Him in joy. “They
could not and it did not! Your church grew! It remained! It grew in depth of
understanding and was established and it is going straight through! Straight
through!” I cried out again, by which I meant, straight through the ages and
right to His second coming. Nothing can stop His church from meeting Him when
He returns.
Also, as I
read, I hear the teachings of Jesus coming down through, but there is a
physical distance that is increasing. More and more time is passing since His
ascension. They know Him spiritually now through revelation and as the Holy Spirit guides and comforts and directs them. Decades are passing since they
walked with Jesus of Nazareth around Galilee.
And I miss
Jesus! I hear their teaching, and I know suddenly what part of His teaching
they are drawing that from, and it brings me right back to Jesus and it takes
my breath away, my longing for Him! And the power of the teachings of Jesus!
The pure, unadulterated power, one hundred percent proof, the water rushing straight from the Source, the beauty and uniqueness of His
teachings.
I was
thanking Jesus again and again for their labor, those that have gone ahead, who
have borne the heat of the day.
*
I must
rejoice! I must rejoice, because Jesus has led me faithfully all the way along,
and He will lead me faithfully all the way to the end. I can rejoice, because
Jesus will show me exactly what to do. I can joyfully expect to find and to
join the church according to His will. I can rest and rejoice in His
faithfulness toward me, always.
I don’t know
what church it is, but I delight in it already and I rejoice in the
faithfulness of Jesus right now- how I love the church He has chosen for me!
How thankful I am that He is putting me there and how perfectly Jesus puts all the
pieces together, just exactly according to His plan. His way is perfect and
Jesus is faithful in all things and I can rest and rejoice in that right now.
“The whole
city asked who You were, but I get to hold You close,” I declared to Jesus, which filled Him with laughter.
“I have a
passionately burning heart,” I confessed to Him.
Like Mine, Jesus answered.
Letter
written June 6, 2016, edited:
I feel
an intensity of meaning or an intensity of significance, pressure, and
momentum these days. Everything that matters, matters a
hundred percent more right now. I feel like these days that everything I say
takes on a great deal of weight. I watch every little comment I make, to make
sure that it is lined up with the goodness of God, because I feel like my words
are weighty- not because of myself, but because of the spiritual atmosphere.
Physically,
I'm exhausted and my emotions are intense. All my training from before is going
into the process now- all the training of holding my tongue, of faith, of trust
in Jesus- all those are being filled to my current capacity as the stress from
the move makes arguing seem almost inevitable, because we have to decide together how to accomplish everything that needs to be done, but Jesus has developed enough
self-control in us that we are usually able to pull back from pointless
conflict.
In three
days, the movers will come and pack and on Friday, all our stuff will be moved
into the truck and taken up to Indiana and put into storage until our new house
is complete. We will be staying in temporary housing until then- a town house,
with an air mattress and living out of suitcases, which sounds wonderful to me,
I am so ready to leave this state and to move forward. On the new house, they
have the walls up and the roof on, and our realtor up there says that the rest
should be going very quickly.
Today we
called the realtor to see if we could either move the closing date up or have
her sign the papers for us, which she could do if she has the power of attorney
to do so, so that we could head up to Indiana early next week and not wait here all the way
until closing, which doesn't happen until mid-month.
I hope this
works out, but I've long since given up insisting on my own will, in fact, it's
the last thing I would do at this point. I want nothing but the will of God to
be done in each detail and I am trusting Him completely to line everything up
perfectly with His will. I know that He is. I don't bother about secondary
causes- I place my whole trust on God. If I look at secondary causes, my head
gets all confused and I can't make head or tails of the situation. But looking
to God, I know that everything will happen as He wills, and that He is good and
utterly trustworthy.
Sometimes I
am walking around, and I say to myself, "Lifted up, lifted up,"
because I remember again and I see how Jesus is lifting us up out of this
place- scooping us right up, and depositing us where He wishes us to be, in the
place of our future.
Right now, we
are packing up and paring down and dismantling and throwing away old things we
don't need any more or that we don't want in the new house, and I feel the
stress of it pressing up against me on all sides. But I look ahead to the time
when we will begin slowly to unpack and unfurl and to build up in our new
house, and to release a long breath of relief and to know that we will never move
again, but will grow deep, deep roots there. I know this is coming, so I keep
my eyes on that.
I have to
stick to a regimented schedule these days. If I stick to the schedule, things
happen as they should, in a natural growth of time. If the schedule is thrown
off, things still happen, but they require a great deal of unnecessary
suffering. So I wake before six and go immediately to Jesus and sink down into
Him. Lately, that's the only time I've been able to see Him clearly and breathe
in His presence and let all the knots in me ease out and to listen to His quiet
words of comfort and what He keeps saying, over and over again, is, "I
love you, I love you," and "You're doing well, you're doing
well."
Then I get up
at six and I write my notes from my phone into the journal, and I work on my
upcoming blog and then I read various blogs and websites until the baby wakes
up. Then the rest of the day I take care of my family and be with them, and
when the baby naps, I rest with Jesus, but lately, I've been so exhausted that
sometimes I can't stay awake and when I can, the anointing to be with Him isn't
present, but I keep my mind focused on Him anyway, persistently. Then when the
baby gets up, I go back to work with my family until I put the baby to bed, and
then I sit down to pray.
Lately, my
prayers have been rich with anointing, and often, I see Jesus more clearly at
that time than at any other time during the day. Regardless, I have to force
myself to go and pray. This was much harder to do before, when I would feel
exhausted just thinking about it, and wish that I could just sit down at the
couch and eat something and watch TV and veg out. I'm always hungry right
then too! It's always the choice to eat something, or sit down to pray.
Then I made
myself change my perspective and I said to myself, "I am going to go spend
some time with Jesus, how wonderful! How I love to spend time with Him! I am so
looking forward to just being with Him and praying to Him and being in His
presence and communing with Him! How refreshing that is going to be!"
That has made
sitting down to pray easier. Which is good, because truly I am exhausted
and sometimes I am sitting there leaning over slightly, eyes glazing, thoughts
wandering a hundred times away from the prayer. Each time I caught myself
doing this, I would thank Jesus for His mercy in bringing me back to Him, and
His mercy in dealing with my weakness, and go back to praying.
When I started preparing myself in advance to look forward to spending time with Him, it's been easier the whole way through. Also, now as I am increasingly prepared for this discipline, I give up any expectation of getting through the prayer quickly and that way, I can settle right down into it and focus on each word and phrase, and that I am saying it right to Jesus, about Jesus.
By the time I finish, it's usually past nine, and I spend time with Keith, and I still try and read the Gospels each night, because I want to see Jesus there and let His words sink deep into my spirit, and then I still want to stay awake long enough to see Jesus spiritually, if the anointing is there, which lately it hasn't been, and even if it was, I couldn't be able to stay awake.
When I started preparing myself in advance to look forward to spending time with Him, it's been easier the whole way through. Also, now as I am increasingly prepared for this discipline, I give up any expectation of getting through the prayer quickly and that way, I can settle right down into it and focus on each word and phrase, and that I am saying it right to Jesus, about Jesus.
By the time I finish, it's usually past nine, and I spend time with Keith, and I still try and read the Gospels each night, because I want to see Jesus there and let His words sink deep into my spirit, and then I still want to stay awake long enough to see Jesus spiritually, if the anointing is there, which lately it hasn't been, and even if it was, I couldn't be able to stay awake.
Jesus has
assured me many times that this tight schedule will ease into plenty and rest
once we move into our new house, and there will be time to be with Him and to
enjoy His presence a great deal more than I can now. Right now, I just have to
get through, and we will get through, because He is bringing us through.
June 6, 2016
Prayed, “You
will give us understanding so that we will keep Your commands…”
Leaned
with gratitude into this, letting the truth sink into me in relief and felt
again Jesus' arms surrounding me, upholding my arms, so that I can lean forward
slightly and rest the weight of my arms on His. I’ve been feeling that a lot
lately- His arms encircling me, holding my arms up and holding me upright and
close to Him.
Over and over
again, checked with Jesus as though before His throne at the end.
You’re doing well, you’re doing well, Jesus says each time, and I love you, I love you.
Get through, He said. Just get through. Jesus meant, put my whole trust
in Him and be obedience no matter the doubts or pressure. Just keep following
Him through. What this looks like is
forgiveness, self control with my words, and laboring under reproach if necessary.
June 8, 2016
Had a series
of vivid nightmares that I can still remember quite clearly, but I will not be
recording them. Felt my weariness acutely in the night, when I woke from the
first of them, almost reproached Jesus for having me face them when I was that exhausted, but I pulled back from doing this, and switched back into faith, and
declared that it was the Lord Jesus Christ who was training my hands for war
and my fingers for battle, and declared, over and over again, “The Lord Jesus
Christ is my Good Shepherd, I will not want. He makes me to lie down in green
pastures and feeds me beside the still waters…”
and remembered that Jesus is the Lord and Lover of mankind, our Creator
and our Redeemer, and He saved us because He loves us and values us, and I
focused all my attention on Him, on what I had read in the Gospels. I was so
tired I fell back asleep right away.
Have recorded
an Orthodox prayer for morning, which I am beginning to say then, but also
during the day, because it is lovely:
“Having risen
from sleep, I run to Thee, O Lord and Lover of mankind, and by Thy
loving-kindness, I hasten to accomplish Thy work, and I pray Thee: help me at
all times and in all things, and deliver me from every evil thing of this world
, and from every attack of darkness. Save me, and lead me into Thine eternal
kingdom, for Thou art my Creator, and the Giver and Provider of every good
thing, and all my hope is in Thee, and to Thee I send up glory now and ever,
and unto the ages of ages. Amen.”
Last night,
finally able to really perceive and know that I was in the close presence of
Jesus Christ, the Living Bread of Heaven, and I could hardly speak for the joy
and awe of it. I kept holding on to Him, and putting my cheek
against His heart.
Knowing I was
safe and held in the arms of Jesus Christ, I wanted then to pour out prayer for
everyone else to become safe in Him too, but I realized that begging Jesus for
this was wrong, as He wanted it more than I did, so I bowed my head against His
chest and worshiped Jesus for His mercy and His salvation- “You are merciful
and gracious,” I confessed to Jesus, “so merciful and gracious, all mankind
depends upon Your mercy and Your lovingkindness. You are loving and good! Our
God is good! He is good!” I was saying this because, as I was saying it, I was
perceiving and recognizing it more clearly and deeply, and it was filling me
with joy and relief too much to express. “I want them all saved, I want them
all to come in,” I said to Jesus. “How can I come to You and rest in You, when
there are others out lost and far from home?”
As I was
saying these things, I felt His love and approbation and delight pouring down
over me- I was in His arms, so I was feeling this like a continuous pouring of
love from Him, and also because of the way He held me and looked at me, the
expression on His face and in His eyes. At one point, I made Him laugh out
loud, but I forget at what point that was.
“Most
precious and most holy, You are all my longing, You are all my desire,” I
confessed to Jesus in a whisper.
“I listen for
correction,” I whispered, and waited patiently, just in case I am doing
something wrong, or not doing something He wishes me to be doing.
Beloved Jenny, was all He said.
June 9, 2016
Crying while
praying, as it was borne in on me powerfully how Jesus Christ walked this
earth, how He taught His apostles, how they witnessed Him in the flesh- His
life and Passion and resurrection, and how they in turn spread the good news of
the Gospel, bearing witness to Jesus Christ, and how that witness carries on
and carries on, all down through the ages, from living person to living person, carrying the good news of Christ.
“And the
darkness has never put it out, has never, has never!” I cried in exultation
before the Lord Jesus Christ, kneeling at His feet and pounding the ground in joy at how the gates of hell cannot prevail against His church. It
doesn’t matter what happens or how they try, they cannot prevail, because our Lord broke the gates of hell and shattered them to pieces when He rose from the dead and now He stands at the right hand of Abba. It's an unshakeable place of authority.
June 10, 2016
Flipped
through calendar to find my verse, it was this:
I know the
Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me. No wonder my heart is filled with joy, and my
mouth shouts His praises! My body rests in safety.
-Psalm 16:8-9
Jesus was right there, speaking to me in love, in His voice that I have known now for so long as He has walked me through the varied landscape of my life in the last five years. Sitting at the computer in the rental house, having no idea what Jesus was doing or why, or what the rest of my life would be like, I heard Him say I love you in the same clear, quiet tones. At that time, all I knew was that He loved me. That was the first thing I knew for sure.
Jesus was right there, speaking to me in love, in His voice that I have known now for so long as He has walked me through the varied landscape of my life in the last five years. Sitting at the computer in the rental house, having no idea what Jesus was doing or why, or what the rest of my life would be like, I heard Him say I love you in the same clear, quiet tones. At that time, all I knew was that He loved me. That was the first thing I knew for sure.
