Friday, February 17, 2017

February 17th

Written two years ago, on February 2, 2015, but not previously shared:

Had a dream a few days ago. It was the last dream I had before waking. I had been waking up and going back to sleep every half hour or so, as I normally do between five and six in the morning.

In this dream, I was kneeling on the ground in the formal Japanese posture, one that is taken to show respect and honor when in the presence of authority. I was caught motionless in the grip of a serenity that was complete and close to ecstasy and there was a gleaming blade coming out of my open mouth, the edges razor shape, bright, polished and reflecting the light along the length of it.

As the blade came out of my mouth, there was a sound or a vibration that was rising all around me in intensity- it was so strong that it was part of the ecstasy. It was like being near a huge speaker and feeling the resonance of the sound vibrating all through one, but one is not causing it to happen, nor the source of it.

I was fearless and completely surrendered to the power that was flowing through my entire self, holding me motionless. I felt nothing but the ecstasy of perfect surrender, the sound and vibration rising together as the sword came out of my mouth, blade first, not touching any part of my mouth or lips or throat, until the golden hilt was seen, and an unseen onlooker, terrified by this sight and not understanding cried, “Oh God, no!” but their fear could not touch me or what was happening through me, and the low sound or vibration or intensity of power rose to a crescendo and abruptly stopped, as though with a resounding clap of hands and I was wide awake in the echoing and sudden silence, with the image still impressed on my mind.

I was afraid of the intensity of what I had seen, how sacred that symbol was, and what it might mean, and it was me that was saying, “Oh, God no!” in trembling and reluctance. “Oh, God, no! How much more? How much further will You take me? How much more will You do with me?”

It was not the full length katana that Japanese Samurai carry- it was the short blade that their wives carry, to fight alongside them to defend the household.

October 27, 2016

The fear of God has been coming over me in waves. “Oh my Lord Jesus Christ, make me ready for You,” I pleaded, in the grip of one of these waves. “Wash me and cleanse me and make me ready to see You…”

You were made for Me, Jesus said.

October 30, 2016

“I will try another way (to reach You),”  I told Jesus, and spiritually reached forward with my eyes shut, to feel for where Jesus might be.

You know where you are, Jesus replied with His loving humor, and I did know, because I could see the rooms.

Written that evening:

Went to Jesus, saw vivid glimpse of the side of a white, sculpted pillar in a room that did not look like inner rooms, but felt the same. I wondered if I was seeing it for the first time as it really is. All I could clearly see was the side of the pillar and the sense that there were rooms on either side that were full of space and light.

In front of me suddenly I knew was Jesus. I could see was the white of His robe, finely knit. I reached out with my hand and touched His robe, hesitantly gathering it up in my fingers, when it came over me, much more than before, that I was in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ, and I fell on my face at His feet.

He went to gather me in His arms, but I was pouring out confessions of my pride, selfishness, disbelief, arrogance, and judgment of others that like small weeds had been popping up in my thoughts from time to time during the day, which I saw even more clearly in His presence as awful, and in a gasp of burning understanding, knowing that He had forgiven me and does forgive me, and loves me, I threw myself into the gap of repenting for those same sins in other Americans- forgive me- forgive us! You have mercy on me, have mercy on us! Do not look at our sins, but according to Your loving kindness look on us and save us and lead us into Your Kingdom, for Your Name's sake, demonstrate Your righteousness acts. We cannot save ourselves, save us and have mercy on us and glorify Your name of righteousness Savior. For the sake of those unborn who cannot tell their right hand from their left, close the gates of murder in this country, close those gates of murder, Prince of Life! For the sake of the poor who are preyed upon, and the burning grief and agony of the mothers who, deceived and blind, realize too late what they have done, have mercy and close the gates of murder in this country. Tear down our pride and make us like children in Your presence!

Dizzy and gasping as I prayed, very glad I was already physically lying down. Went back to the room, realized again that I was with Jesus and that I know Him and have known Him all this time. You know it is true, Jesus said, as I was realizing this, and I collapsed right back to the ground on my knees, and again Jesus knelt down with me, catching me.

I was finally able to curl up in His arms, but my awe was so great that I could do so for only a few moments at a time.

November 1, 2016

"I'm Yours by three claims," I was saying to Jesus, realizing it. "Because You created me, You redeemed me through Your cross and You choose me for Your purpose by Your grace. I'm yours entirely, Your own creation from start to finish and how I love to be Yours! I love to be Yours! I love to belong to You alone, wholly!"

Irresistible one, Jesus said.

I picked up His hand gently and held it in mine. He was seated at the well in the sunlight, His hand was strong and warm and heavy.

"Because I can," I said to Him shyly.

You may at any time.

I curled up in His arms, holding Him close, grounding myself in the solidness of holding Him, and put my face in the shoulder of His robe and breathed in deeply, letting my spirit open up to the joy of knowing I was with Jesus, love rising up with the joy like a peaceful river.

Mine, He whispered.


“Where are You?”

Saw the room in warm light, went there, immediately fell on my face and did not look up, knowing I was with Jesus, though I did not yet see Him.

Jenny, said Jesus with tenderly loving reproach, because He prefers me to be closer to Him.

“Give me a moment just to be on the floor,” I pleaded, trying to adjust to the knowledge that I was with the Lord Jesus.

Caught up again in repentance, among other things for quenching the Holy Spirit when I did not realize it was Him, realized just how tenderhearted and merciful He is, and for pride and for looking down on others, all of which are trains of thought, but in the presence of Jesus, even thoughts stand out as ugly, useless and not a part of the Lord, like dead branches.

November 4, 2016

"Here is the abounding faith," I whispered, "that I don't walk by sight, I walk by faith, and by faith I put my face against Yours, Lord Jesus," I said, trustingly putting my cheek against His beard, even though my sight was choppy and unpredictable, and for all I could see, might be just putting my face against empty space.

Jenny, oh My Jenny, Jesus cried in love. I could hear His voice quite clearly, and the emotion in it.

"Your heart is so vulnerable, that is why I must be zealous for Your honor, and never share the secret of Your tendernesses..."

Unless I wish you to, as I have told you before, Jesus lovingly reminded me without words, causing me to remember previous conversations with Him.

"Unless You tell me to, so that others, seeing the beauty of Your love, may be drawn to You and love You," I agreed.

"Oh my Lord Jesus, cleanse the thoughts of my heart, that I might perfectly love You and worthily magnify Your great name... and I must trust You to do this," I added confidently, resting back in His arms, letting go of the heaviness of the request, humanly speaking. Humanly speaking, it's impossible.

Saw His beautiful eyes, clear and calm and full of light, full of love, and the angles of His face, and once again, the knowledge that I was with Jesus Christ came down over me like soothing oil, settling me down into deep peace and contentment, and I leaned into Him, drinking in the peace of Him, the Prince of peace, Who does all things well.

I had been repenting all day, I remembered, as I put the phone down, after having recorded the above, and returning to Him.

But not anymore, Jesus pointed out, because after repentance there is forgiveness, and then it's gone away, and He wants me to remember this.

“That's what is meant by guarding eye and ear gates. That is a real dynamic," I realized, curled up with Jesus and resting, even though sight was still coming and going. It can never be sight first, I remember again, it's always by faith first.

“If one fills their mind with all those other things, how will anyone have space for You? You require a lot of space,” I pointed out. This fellowship with Jesus requires devotion, full attention held over long periods of time, and even longer periods of consistent quietness away from the noise and glare of the world.

Yes, Jesus agreed, seriously, then added with good humor, But I'm worth it!

"Thank You for helping me be devoted to You," I said, remembering His grace poured out to me when I was growing, and my devotion and self discipline was weak and inconsistent, and yet Jesus let me know His presence, remaining with me, teaching me all the while how to walk further on with Him.

Recorded the above, returned to Jesus.

Jenny, you’re Mine, you’re given to Me, He whispered to me, when I had sunk even more deeply down into the peaceful heart of His presence, full of the warm light, melting down into the light and warmth of Him. Bone of My bone, flesh of My flesh, you're what the Father promised Me, Jesus said, when I returned to Him, confidently going back straight to His heart as though already in heaven with Him.

November 27, 2016

I saw Jesus in Galilea, at the house of a Pharisee. I was in the kitchen, scrubbing a pot. The dinner was over and I heard His voice coming from the room where they were still talking. Just the tones of His voice caused me, all alone in the kitchen, to fall on my face in love and awe.

“Blessed are they who break bread in the Kingdom of Heaven!” declared a guest, and Jesus looked up at this person swiftly, weighing those words as to motive and seeing the heart. Jesus does this unerringly, but with a gentle compassion that is often touched with humor.

“A certain man gave a great supper, and He invited many,” Jesus began, His voice strong and full of controlled expression. Jesus has a brilliant mind which can find the point, build the story up to frame and present that point, and hold His audience’s attention at the same time. Jesus is never arrogant, but He never doubts Himself either. When He gathers up the reins in His hand, His hand is certain.

I remembered the delicacy of His poetry, with the careful balance of inverted parallelism building to the point in the center, and the play on words in the stanzas, the question that He asks in it. (Bailey, Kenneth, "Poet and Peasant," Exegesis of Luke 16:1-13) What Jesus declares is that man cannot serve God and money, and the Pharisees derided Him.

All around Jesus, the waves were rising and crashing, waves of worship, and waves of mocking derision, but Jesus is not looking at them for direction, He is going straight as an arrow along His Father’s will. The waves can crash against Him from one side and then another, Jesus is standing like a rock where He must stand.

“Speak, Lord, speak,” I whispered when I was able to be with Him. “Your words are true, they are like silver, refined seven times. They are sweet as honey to my taste, like honey from the honey comb.”

November 8, 2016

Closer and closer the Lord is coming to me and the veil- not of sight but of something else- perception of His presence goes so thin that I become acutely aware of my frailty of flesh, the fact that I am a created being, that there is no glory in the flesh, no power, no authority- there is only the love of the Lord for His own creation, the work of His hands, His heart is full of love beyond comprehension and yet He is burning holy, a pure unquenchable flame of white heat and I can only ask Him to have mercy, for I can do nothing of myself and that is clearly and manifestly true to me in those moments. Jesus must finish the work, I can't do it.

And He will, because He is true to His word, true to His word, true to His word! That's how I prayed as the truth of it came rolling over me in powerful relief and gratitude and strength. Jesus will finish all His works and bring them to conclusion and that includes me. I saw His face burning through the veil, a face of light with eyes of fire and warmth of love.

Kept seeing myself standing and praying, and because of this, repenting in shame for what seemed to me to be a desire to be seen.

Jenny, I put you in the world, Jesus said, as I was grieving this. He meant, in the world, physically manifested, to be seen, and that was His plan.

Today and yesterday, I am starting to feel waves of heavy anointing coming down over me as I prepare to pray for that gathering I will be attending.

Rest in that, little dove, Jesus said this morning, when I was declaring with relief that He was doing all things well.

November 9, 2016

Don't be afraid, Jenny, Jesus said, and I realized, I don't have to be afraid! In fact, I should not be!

Prayed in travail this evening, standing, kneeling, gasping, crying, on my face at times, then back on my knees, holding on to the counter, my stomach, I can't remember all what. I ended up on my face on the floor, in such overwhelming fear and awe of God, the Father, the One true and Living God, the One who sits on the throne and has all power and authority, and then, to know, in an inrushing, sweet, overwhelming tide, to know His mercy, His love- full of life, Life Himself, the Living God, the Prince of Life and full of mercy and loving kindness and love. We are His. We belong to Him. He created us for Himself, out of love, joy and delight.

November 10, 2016

I travailed in prayer again tonight, sobbing and gasping until the prayer was poured out.

"Please take these," I said to Jesus, meaning the prayers.

I will keep all these treasures, He said immediately, gathering them up in His arms.

November 11, 2016

Again in prayer tonight for purity of heart according to His own word that He would hallow and keep us. The Lord reminded me not just to pray for it, but to release it on earth according to the authority of His word.

How I wish it were already kindled! The meaning of that exploded into me, the burning passion of Jesus- the fire that He longed fervently to kindle, but first came the cross. Jesus already longed to send down the fire of the Holy Spirit! It’s His passionate longing that He went through the cross to reach.

Heart of My heart! Jesus was crying out, as this massive understanding fell into place. I was physically shuddering from it.

Last night, holding to His shoulders, knowing He was lashed with the whip and then carried the cross, and carries the whole government. "And now me," I added, realizing that I was leaning my arms and head easily and securely on His broad shoulders.

The most precious burden of all, Jesus declared.

November 12, 2016

Last night, on the night of November 11, the moon was almost full and riding in the sky amid a swath of white scalloped clouds that ran east to west. My mother in law came over unexpectedly and we cooked lamb chops that we’d had in the freezer and roasted root vegetables and instant mashed potatoes. She sat in the reclining chair, saying that she was wanting to begin again, to have the joy of life.

“May the Lord Jesus Christ give you the strength to do so, you need the Holy Spirit to help you keep that course,” I declared from across the room, in a voice unlike my usual one- it was full of calm, ringing clarity. This was because I'm learning through many mistakes that I cannot address these things out of my well-meaning soul, but out of my spirit instead, leaning on the Holy Spirit.

Later on, she was telling me about an incident where a neighbor had said something very hurtful to her, and she looked at me, but her eyes were a little vacant and she declared that it was the enemy attacking her. Immediately the atmosphere changed in a way I repudiated immediately and stepped on firmly, but again, she described the experience of being pushed toward the couch and having hurtful words said to her face and again she attributed it directly to the enemy. Her shoulders were bowed and her head sunk down and the atmosphere was repugnant to me, so I not only tread on it, but spoke from my spirit, leaning into the Holy Spirit.

“G-, the enemy has no authority to hurt you because of the work of the Lord Jesus Christ and cannot touch you,” I declared, and my voice ringing out strong and sure in the room. “When those fiery darts come at you, you must lift your shield so that they don’t hit your heart and hurt you,” I added, with firm compassion and pity.

She was looking up, understanding just beginning to dawn in her eyes, so I reached back into my cupboard door and tore off the recipe card that I had fastened there with scotch tape. “Look,” I said, my voice full of compassion, and I walked toward her, only I was moving like a massive fortress through the atmosphere; I was like a huge, steady ship that cannot be tipped over because of the weight of the ballast, which is the Lord Jesus Christ and His work in my life, and instead of being rocked by the waves, I was making waves of His authority and peace ripple outward from my approach. It was the first time I became aware of this.

I bent near her and showed her the card and read aloud: “'Listen carefully,' says the Lord Jesus Christ,” I began, full of love for her. I read her the whole verse about having authority to step on scorpions and snakes and that nothing will in anyway hurt her, because of the Lord, and to rejoice that her name is in heaven.

“Oh, thank you,” she said, her voice full of hope, lifting the card in both hands and looking at it. Then she rubbed her arms. “I have goosebumps,” she said.

During dinner, some past pain came up and led to conflict and I thought the entire evening would be ruined, as is the pattern. That was before this conversation with her.

After this conversation, she said she was going downstairs. Her voice was light and shy. Immediately, I prayed, the Holy Spirit coming down in the heavy way that has been usual lately, and I was gasping for breath and dizzy. Then I went on cleaning up and shortly thereafter, I heard and saw the unpreceded, swift answer to my prayer. 

As soon as I could get away by myself, I went around the corner into another room and bowed my head to the floor in gratitude and recognition of the Lord Jesus, of His authority and goodness, demonstrated openly right before my eyes.

This is just the beginning, Jesus declared, His voice clear and calm in my spirit.

Just the beginning! Just the beginning of reconciliation, of freedom for the captives, of restoration, of healing.

In the night, had a terrible nightmare, pointed, personal, evil. Woke and realized that I was under direct spiritual attack, but this knowledge was flipped on its head when I realized that just as it was true and undeniable that there were spiritual enemies, just as they are real, so it is just as real that Heaven is real, and Heaven has armies of light and Heaven has a King, and I know that King, and I serve Him and belong to Him. Jesus Himself is living, present, true and above all, in authority over me and everything else.

My faith soared up into previously unheard of levels. Everything in the Gospel is true. Jesus, the Son of God, came down and walked this earth and He manifested the Father’s name, the One true and Living God. There is a God, there is one God, and He manifested His name perfectly in flesh and blood on earth, in a specific geographical region, at a specific time, God Himself entered the world He had created and remade it, and He loves us. He loves us and He won.

Tears were pouring down my face and I was pouring out love to Jesus as if I had never before, as if it were the first time I ever spoke to Him, trying to tell the Lord Jesus how much I love Him, revere Him, honor Him, adore Him, worship Him, and to express the extent of my gratitude that He came down, that my God came down into this world, to save me from sin and death by taking it upon Himself, to take me from captivity to be reconciled to the Father, to take me up and out of darkness and transfer me into the Kingdom of the Son of His Love.