Had a dream a few days ago. It was the last dream I had before waking. I had
been waking up and going back to sleep every half hour or so, as I normally do
between five and six in the morning.
In this
dream, I was kneeling on the ground in the formal Japanese posture, one that is taken to show respect and honor when in the presence of authority. I was
caught motionless in the grip of a serenity that was complete and close to ecstasy and there was a gleaming blade coming out of my open mouth,
the edges razor shape, bright, polished and reflecting the light along the
length of it.
As the blade
came out of my mouth, there was a sound or a vibration that was rising all
around me in intensity- it was so strong that it was part of the ecstasy. It
was like being near a huge speaker and feeling the resonance of the sound
vibrating all through one, but one is not causing it to happen, nor the source of it.
I was fearless and completely surrendered to the
power that was flowing through my entire self, holding me motionless. I felt nothing
but the ecstasy of perfect surrender, the sound and vibration rising together as
the sword came out of my mouth, blade first, not touching any part of my mouth
or lips or throat, until the golden hilt was seen, and an unseen onlooker,
terrified by this sight and not understanding cried, “Oh God, no!” but their
fear could not touch me or what was happening through me, and the low sound or
vibration or intensity of power rose to a crescendo and abruptly
stopped, as though with a resounding clap of hands and I was wide awake in the echoing and sudden silence, with the image still impressed on my mind.
I was afraid
of the intensity of what I had seen, how sacred that
symbol was, and what it might mean, and it was me that was saying, “Oh, God no!”
in trembling and reluctance. “Oh, God, no! How much more? How much further will You take me? How much more will You do with me?”
It was not
the full length katana that Japanese Samurai carry- it was the short blade that
their wives carry, to fight alongside them to defend the household.
October 27,
2016
The fear of
God has been coming over me in waves. “Oh my Lord Jesus Christ, make me ready
for You,” I pleaded, in the grip of one of these waves. “Wash me and cleanse me
and make me ready to see You…”
You were made for Me, Jesus said.
October 30,
2016
“I will try
another way (to reach You),” I told
Jesus, and spiritually reached forward with my eyes shut, to feel for where
Jesus might be.
You know where you are, Jesus replied with His loving humor,
and I did know, because I could see the rooms.
Written that
evening:
Went to
Jesus, saw vivid glimpse of the side of a white, sculpted pillar in a room that
did not look like inner rooms, but felt the same. I wondered if I
was seeing it for the first time as it really is. All I could clearly see
was the side of the pillar and the sense that there were rooms on either side
that were full of space and light.
In front of me suddenly I knew was Jesus. I could see was the white of His robe, finely knit. I reached out with
my hand and touched His robe, hesitantly gathering it up in my fingers, when it
came over me, much more than before, that I was in the presence of
the Lord Jesus Christ, and I fell on my face at His feet.
He went to
gather me in His arms, but I was pouring out confessions of my pride,
selfishness, disbelief, arrogance, and judgment of others that like small weeds
had been popping up in my thoughts from time to time during the day, which I
saw even more clearly in His presence as awful, and in a gasp of burning
understanding, knowing that He had forgiven me and does forgive me, and loves
me, I threw myself into the gap of repenting for those same sins in other
Americans- forgive me- forgive us! You have mercy on me, have mercy on us! Do
not look at our sins, but according to Your loving kindness look on us and save
us and lead us into Your Kingdom, for Your Name's sake, demonstrate Your
righteousness acts. We cannot save ourselves, save us and have mercy on us and
glorify Your name of righteousness Savior. For the sake of those unborn who
cannot tell their right hand from their left, close the gates of murder in this
country, close those gates of murder, Prince of Life! For the sake of the poor
who are preyed upon, and the burning grief and agony of the mothers who,
deceived and blind, realize too late what they have done, have mercy and close
the gates of murder in this country. Tear down our pride and make us like
children in Your presence!
Dizzy and
gasping as I prayed, very glad I was already physically lying down. Went back to
the room, realized again that I was with Jesus and that I know Him and have
known Him all this time. You know it is
true, Jesus said, as I was realizing this, and I collapsed right back to
the ground on my knees, and again Jesus knelt down with me, catching me.
I was finally
able to curl up in His arms, but my awe was so great that I could do so for
only a few moments at a time.
November 1,
2016
"I'm Yours by
three claims," I was saying to Jesus, realizing it. "Because You created me, You redeemed me through Your cross and You choose me for Your purpose by Your
grace. I'm yours entirely, Your own creation from start to finish and how I
love to be Yours! I love to be Yours! I love to belong to You alone, wholly!"
Irresistible one, Jesus said.
I picked up
His hand gently and held it in mine. He was seated at the well in the sunlight, His hand was
strong and warm and heavy.
"Because I
can," I said to Him shyly.
You may at any time.
I curled up
in His arms, holding Him close, grounding myself in the solidness of holding
Him, and put my face in the shoulder of His robe and breathed in deeply,
letting my spirit open up to the joy of knowing I was with Jesus, love rising
up with the joy like a peaceful river.
Mine, He whispered.
*
“Where are
You?”
Saw the room
in warm light, went there, immediately fell on my face and did not look up,
knowing I was with Jesus, though I did not yet see Him.
Jenny, said Jesus with tenderly loving reproach, because He
prefers me to be closer to Him.
“Give me a
moment just to be on the floor,” I pleaded, trying to adjust to the knowledge that I was with the Lord Jesus.
Caught up
again in repentance, among other things for quenching the Holy Spirit when I
did not realize it was Him, realized just how tenderhearted and merciful He is,
and for pride and for looking down on others, all of which are trains of
thought, but in the presence of Jesus, even thoughts stand out as ugly, useless
and not a part of the Lord, like dead branches.
November 4,
2016
"Here is the
abounding faith," I whispered, "that I don't walk by sight, I walk by faith, and
by faith I put my face against Yours, Lord Jesus," I said, trustingly putting my
cheek against His beard, even though my sight was choppy and unpredictable, and for all I could see, might be just putting my face against empty space.
Jenny, oh My Jenny, Jesus cried in love. I could hear His voice quite clearly, and the emotion in it.
Jenny, oh My Jenny, Jesus cried in love. I could hear His voice quite clearly, and the emotion in it.
"Your heart is
so vulnerable, that is why I must be zealous for Your honor, and never share
the secret of Your tendernesses..."
Unless I wish
you to, as I have told you before, Jesus lovingly reminded me without words,
causing me to remember previous conversations with Him.
"Unless You
tell me to, so that others, seeing the beauty of Your love, may be drawn to You and love You," I
agreed.
"Oh my Lord
Jesus, cleanse the thoughts of my heart, that I might perfectly love You and
worthily magnify Your great name... and I must trust You to do this," I added
confidently, resting back in His arms, letting go of the heaviness of the
request, humanly speaking. Humanly speaking, it's impossible.
Saw His
beautiful eyes, clear and calm and full of light, full of love, and the angles
of His face, and once again, the knowledge that I was with Jesus
Christ came down over me like soothing oil, settling me down into deep peace
and contentment, and I leaned into Him, drinking in the peace of Him, the
Prince of peace, Who does all things well.
I had been
repenting all day, I remembered, as I put the phone down, after having recorded the above, and returning to Him.
But not
anymore, Jesus pointed out, because after repentance there is forgiveness, and
then it's gone away, and He wants me to remember this.
“That's what
is meant by guarding eye and ear gates. That is a real dynamic," I realized,
curled up with Jesus and resting, even though sight was still coming and going.
It can never be sight first, I remember again, it's always by faith first.
“If one fills
their mind with all those other things, how will anyone have space for You? You
require a lot of space,” I pointed out. This fellowship with Jesus requires devotion, full attention held over long periods of time,
and even longer periods of consistent quietness away from the noise and glare of the world.
Yes, Jesus agreed, seriously, then added with good humor, But I'm worth it!
"Thank You for
helping me be devoted to You," I said, remembering His grace poured out to me
when I was growing, and my devotion and self discipline was weak and inconsistent, and yet Jesus let me know His presence, remaining with me, teaching me all the while how to walk further on with Him.
Recorded the above, returned to Jesus.
Recorded the above, returned to Jesus.
Jenny, you’re Mine, you’re given to Me, He whispered to me, when I had sunk
even more deeply down into the peaceful heart of His presence, full of the warm
light, melting down into the light and warmth of Him. Bone of My bone, flesh of My flesh, you're what the Father promised Me,
Jesus said, when I returned to Him, confidently going back straight to His
heart as though already in heaven with Him.
November 27,
2016
I saw Jesus
in Galilea, at the house of a Pharisee. I was in the kitchen, scrubbing a pot.
The dinner was over and I heard His voice coming from the room where they were
still talking. Just the tones of His voice caused me, all alone in the kitchen,
to fall on my face in love and awe.
“Blessed are
they who break bread in the Kingdom of Heaven!” declared a guest, and Jesus
looked up at this person swiftly, weighing those words as to motive and seeing
the heart. Jesus does this unerringly, but with a gentle compassion that is
often touched with humor.
“A certain
man gave a great supper, and He invited many,” Jesus began, His voice strong and
full of controlled expression. Jesus has a brilliant mind which can find the
point, build the story up to frame and present that point, and hold His
audience’s attention at the same time. Jesus is never arrogant, but He never
doubts Himself either. When He gathers up the reins in His hand, His hand is
certain.
I remembered
the delicacy of His poetry, with the careful balance of inverted parallelism
building to the point in the center, and the play on words in the stanzas, the
question that He asks in it. (Bailey, Kenneth, "Poet and Peasant," Exegesis of Luke 16:1-13) What Jesus declares is that man cannot serve God
and money, and the Pharisees derided Him.
All around
Jesus, the waves were rising and crashing, waves of worship, and waves of
mocking derision, but Jesus is not looking at them for
direction, He is going straight as an arrow along His Father’s will. The waves
can crash against Him from one side and then another, Jesus is standing like a
rock where He must stand.
“Speak, Lord,
speak,” I whispered when I was able to be with Him. “Your words are true, they are like silver, refined seven times. They are sweet as honey to my taste, like honey from the honey comb.”
November 8,
2016
Closer and closer
the Lord is coming to me and the veil- not of sight but of something else-
perception of His presence goes so thin that I become acutely aware of my
frailty of flesh, the fact that I am a created being, that there is no glory in
the flesh, no power, no authority- there is only the love of the Lord for His
own creation, the work of His hands, His heart is full of love beyond
comprehension and yet He is burning holy, a pure unquenchable flame of white
heat and I can only ask Him to have mercy, for I can do nothing of myself and
that is clearly and manifestly true to me in those moments. Jesus must finish
the work, I can't do it.
And He will,
because He is true to His word, true to His word, true to His word! That's how
I prayed as the truth of it came rolling over me in powerful relief and
gratitude and strength. Jesus will finish all His works and bring them to
conclusion and that includes me. I saw His face burning through the veil, a
face of light with eyes of fire and warmth of love.
Kept seeing
myself standing and praying, and because of this, repenting in shame for what seemed to me
to be a desire to be seen.
Jenny, I put you in the world, Jesus said, as I was grieving this. He
meant, in the world, physically manifested, to be seen, and that was His plan.
Today and
yesterday, I am starting to feel waves of heavy anointing coming down over me
as I prepare to pray for that gathering I will be attending.
Rest in that, little dove, Jesus said this morning, when I was
declaring with relief that He was doing all things well.
November 9,
2016
Don't be afraid, Jenny, Jesus said, and I realized, I don't have
to be afraid! In fact, I should not be!
Prayed in
travail this evening, standing, kneeling, gasping, crying, on my face at times,
then back on my knees, holding on to the counter, my stomach, I can't remember
all what. I ended up on my face on the floor, in such overwhelming fear and awe
of God, the Father, the One true and Living God, the One who sits on the throne
and has all power and authority, and then, to know, in an inrushing, sweet,
overwhelming tide, to know His mercy, His love- full of life, Life Himself, the
Living God, the Prince of Life and full of mercy and loving kindness and love.
We are His. We belong to Him. He created us for Himself, out of love, joy and
delight.
November 10,
2016
I travailed
in prayer again tonight, sobbing and gasping until the prayer was poured out.
"Please take
these," I said to Jesus, meaning the prayers.
I will keep all these treasures, He said immediately, gathering them up
in His arms.
November 11,
2016
Again in
prayer tonight for purity of heart according to His own word that He would
hallow and keep us. The Lord reminded me not just to pray for it, but to
release it on earth according to the authority of His word.
How I wish it were already kindled! The meaning of that exploded into me,
the burning passion of Jesus- the fire that He longed fervently to kindle, but
first came the cross. Jesus already longed to send down the fire of the Holy
Spirit! It’s His passionate longing that He went through the cross to reach.
Heart of My heart! Jesus was crying out, as this massive
understanding fell into place. I was physically shuddering from it.
Last night, holding
to His shoulders, knowing He was lashed with the whip and then carried the
cross, and carries the whole government. "And now me," I added,
realizing that I was leaning my arms and head easily and securely on His broad
shoulders.
The most precious burden of all, Jesus declared.
November 12,
2016
Last night,
on the night of November 11, the moon was almost full and riding in the sky
amid a swath of white scalloped clouds that ran east to west. My mother in law
came over unexpectedly and we cooked lamb chops that we’d had in the freezer
and roasted root vegetables and instant mashed potatoes. She sat in the
reclining chair, saying that she was wanting to begin again, to have the joy of
life.
“May the Lord
Jesus Christ give you the strength to do so, you need the Holy Spirit to help
you keep that course,” I declared from across the room, in a voice unlike my
usual one- it was full of calm, ringing clarity. This was because I'm learning through many mistakes that I cannot address these things out of my
well-meaning soul, but out of my spirit instead, leaning on the Holy Spirit.
Later on, she
was telling me about an incident where a neighbor had said something very
hurtful to her, and she looked at me, but her eyes were a little vacant and she
declared that it was the enemy attacking her. Immediately the atmosphere
changed in a way I repudiated immediately and stepped on firmly, but again, she
described the experience of being pushed toward the couch and having hurtful
words said to her face and again she attributed it directly to the enemy. Her shoulders were bowed and her head sunk down and the atmosphere was
repugnant to me, so I not only tread on it, but spoke from my spirit, leaning
into the Holy Spirit.
“G-, the
enemy has no authority to hurt you because of the work of the Lord Jesus Christ
and cannot touch you,” I declared, and my voice ringing out
strong and sure in the room. “When those fiery darts come at you, you must lift
your shield so that they don’t hit your heart and hurt you,” I added, with firm
compassion and pity.
She was
looking up, understanding just beginning to dawn in her eyes, so I reached back
into my cupboard door and tore off the recipe card that I had fastened there with
scotch tape. “Look,” I said, my voice full of compassion, and I walked toward
her, only I was moving like a massive fortress through the atmosphere; I was
like a huge, steady ship that cannot be tipped over because of the weight of
the ballast, which is the Lord Jesus Christ and His work in my life, and
instead of being rocked by the waves, I was making waves of His authority and
peace ripple outward from my approach. It was the first time I became aware of this.
I bent near her and showed her the card
and read aloud: “'Listen carefully,' says the Lord Jesus Christ,” I began, full
of love for her. I read her the whole verse about having authority to step on
scorpions and snakes and that nothing will in anyway hurt her, because of the
Lord, and to rejoice that her name is in heaven.
“Oh, thank
you,” she said, her voice full of hope, lifting the card in both hands and
looking at it. Then she rubbed her arms. “I have goosebumps,” she said.
During
dinner, some past pain came up and led to conflict and I thought the entire
evening would be ruined, as is the pattern. That was before this conversation with her.
After this conversation, she said she was going downstairs. Her voice was light and shy. Immediately, I prayed, the Holy Spirit coming down in the heavy way that has been usual lately, and I was gasping for breath and dizzy. Then I went on cleaning up and shortly thereafter, I heard and saw the unpreceded, swift answer to my prayer.
After this conversation, she said she was going downstairs. Her voice was light and shy. Immediately, I prayed, the Holy Spirit coming down in the heavy way that has been usual lately, and I was gasping for breath and dizzy. Then I went on cleaning up and shortly thereafter, I heard and saw the unpreceded, swift answer to my prayer.
As soon as I could get away by myself,
I went around the corner into another room and bowed my head to the floor
in gratitude and recognition of the Lord Jesus, of His authority and goodness,
demonstrated openly right before my eyes.
This is just the beginning, Jesus declared, His voice clear and calm in my spirit.
Just the beginning! Just the beginning of reconciliation, of freedom
for the captives, of restoration, of healing.
In the night,
had a terrible nightmare, pointed, personal, evil. Woke and realized that I was under direct spiritual attack, but this knowledge was flipped on its head when I
realized that just as it was true and undeniable that there were spiritual
enemies, just as they are real, so it is just as real that Heaven is real, and Heaven has armies of light and Heaven has a King, and I know that King, and I serve Him and belong to Him. Jesus Himself is
living, present, true and above all, in authority over me and everything else.
My faith
soared up into previously unheard of levels. Everything in the Gospel is true.
Jesus, the Son of God, came down and walked this earth and He manifested the Father’s name, the One true and Living God. There is a God, there is one God,
and He manifested His name perfectly in flesh and blood on earth, in a specific
geographical region, at a specific time, God Himself entered the world He had
created and remade it, and He loves us. He loves us and He won.
Tears were
pouring down my face and I was pouring out love to Jesus as
if I had never before, as if it were the first time I ever spoke to Him, trying to tell the Lord Jesus how much I love Him, revere Him,
honor Him, adore Him, worship Him, and to express the extent of my gratitude
that He came down, that my God came down into this world, to save me from sin and death by taking it upon Himself, to take me from captivity to be reconciled
to the Father, to take me up and out of darkness and transfer me into the Kingdom of the Son of His Love.
