Friday, March 31, 2017

March 31st

Written two years ago on January 6, 2015, not previously shared:

“The fear is that I’ve gotten it all wrong, and that You are, after all, nothing like how I’ve known You and that when You return or when I see You in Heaven, You’ll be furious at me and punish me for getting it wrong at the expense of Your holy dignity,” I told Jesus, as I sat at the kitchen table, facing the fear head on.

That is the first fear, Jesus said. In the garden, the temptation was to believe that I was not to be trusted, that My goodness they had experienced, and the good boundaries I had set up for them, was to be questioned, and that more knowledge was necessary to prove it for themselves.

You are in Paradise now, Jesus pointed out, quietly.

“Yes,” I whispered, knowing what He meant. I was already restored to full relationship with Him, even if not to full sight, which would come later.

Trust Me. Trust My goodness. Hold to your faith in Me.

December 14, 2016

I sat down in the chair in the living room early in the morning, for the first time of following my new plan of doing so, to be with Jesus.

Saw His hand as usual- often the first thing I see, and I take His hand and twine my fingers with His and kiss the back of His hand.

I remembered I was hidden with Christ in God, and remembering this, I was in His arms, where my life truly is hidden.

"How could I live without You?" I acknowledged in relief and wonder.

"Holy Lord Jesus, I whispered, "if it wasn't for Your sacrifice on the cross, I could never be in Your arms!" I could not look at His face, I had my head against His living heart.

But I did.

Lifted my face to His, His face, His human face! "Most holy, most worthy," I whispered in adoration to the Word made flesh, the Son of God who suffered Himself to be born a helpless infant.

I died for this, Jesus said.

In the night:

Threw myself into the arms of Jesus, nestling in and pouring out joy for the church like a singing lark: "Thank You for my family, I have a family, a family!" Joy was flowing from Him and through Him, weightier and deeply burning and fierce as He held me, His eyes alight, full of joy at my joy, at His good gift which I waited so long for.

Realized again the extent of the transformation of my life, realized again, with breathtaking clarity that only the Lord Jesus through His Holy Spirit could affect such a change in a person, realized overwhelmingly that I am with Jesus. Jesus Christ.

Worshipped Him. Worshipped Him. Threw myself face down at His feet and worshipped Him.

"Thank You for letting me worship at Your feet," I said, and He laughed!

Not for too long, He replied, smiling.

So I dared to nestle back into His arms, which I knew was where He wanted me.

December 15, 2016

"You do all things well, especially my faith," I said.

Jenny, My creation, He said affectionately.

"Worshipping You way down deep through the Holy Spirit," I told Jesus, as He had opened up His heart to me that afternoon before the Last Supper, held close to Him within His heart.

I love it, your love is a soothing balm, Jesus replied, suddenly very large, and I knew I was with Jesus outside of time, in the Holy Spirit. Jesus opens His heart to me, showing me the times He was alone, or rejected or otherwise hurt, and then I cradle His heart in love.

"What were You actually doing during while the meal was being prepared?"

Praying, Jesus replied.

I remembered Him saying how He earnestly desired to eat that meal.

Communion, Jesus reminded me.

"How much did You know about communion at that time?" I asked Him, thinking about the profound mystery of unity with Him through His Holy Spirit, because of His sacrifice on the cross.

December 17, 2016

"Tomorrow I will worship You aloud, in church."

I will love it, Jesus replied, smiling

The inner rooms became clear and I could perceive the freshness of the air after Jesus gave me a glimpse from the upper hillside, which looked like it was tumbling with white water. He offered to walk, but I wanted to stay home after all.

You must let those remaining concerns for your reputation go," Jesus told me, when I was with Him.

"Yes, Lord, I must die to myself further."

December 18, 2016

"Never mind my fear- don't let it stop You from taking me deeper."

I never do, Jesus replied with gentle humor.

"I worship You and You do all things well, forgive me for putting You in a box!" I said to Him, a little later.

Jesus put His hand to my face. I could see this for a moment as though through His eyes, as though I were looking down at my face. His touch was light and loving, His hand calloused, strong.

The hand that broke the bread! I thought to myself in wonder, and kissed it.

His love is most innocent, most holy, most tender. He gathers up to Himself all that is given with such depth of feeling.

I had my arms wrapped tightly around Jesus, breathing Him in, when the knowledge of Who I was with over swept me.

"What do You want me to do, Lord?" I asked humbly, meaning, with my life that belongs to Him.

Love Me, Jesus replied.

I was washing my hands at the sink, thinking of having signed up for the prayer ministry, and how Jesus had said, go through that open door, and how there was an application process that I had started. On a sure foundation, Jesus told me, as I was thinking this.

December 19, 2016

It's given to you, Jesus said, when His heart was opened to me, that I might be with Him at such depth and vulnerability.

This is My blood, given for the forgiveness of sins, Jesus had said that night. Because the life is in the blood and the old self dies on the cross, and is made a new person, a son of God, washed in the blood, born through the resurrection. Therefore, old has passed away, new has come.

"You are my life, Holy One of God, Prince of Life, Prince of Heaven, pure hearted and only good, True Vine, Life which is the Life of men- I could never live apart from You."

You will never be apart from Me, Jesus stated so quietly, in the sacred warmth and hidden with Him, deep in the quiet of His life.

December 20, 2016

When I first came to Him, Jesus lifted what I could see as though it were a curtain. Beyond what He had lifted, I could see absolutely nothing at all. I have so many things stored up to show you, Jesus said, like someone who cannot contain the joy of delighting someone else.

“I will love them,” I assured Him. I could not see even a glimpse beyond what Jesus lifted, because I need a different pair of eyes even to take in those realities.

“Where is Jesus?” I asked, for the joy of being with Jesus, this joy sparkling and overflowing as I held Him close. “Where is Jesus? He is not at official duties, Jesus is with His own and loved! He is loved, loved, loved!”

Then I felt bad for perhaps not giving His official duties the respect they are due.

“You must love the administration of Your official duties,” I humbly acknowledged.

Not so much as I love you, Jesus declared immediately, with twinkling eyes.

Then Jesus began to fill my mind with insights about Himself as I rested in Him and meditated on His words. I thought again of how He had said, "With fervent desire have I desired to eat this Passover with you, for I tell you that I will not eat of it again until it is fulfilled in the Kingdom of Heaven." That is such a strong phrase- with fervent desire.

This communion is fulfilled in the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus also ate and drank of the first meal Himself. He longed to partake of it. His fervent longing wasn’t just for the bread and meat of that actual meal, but because afterward, He would eat the fulfillment of it, which is spiritual. He has intense and earnest desire for spiritual communion- mutual indwelling with His church, His sister, His spouse, His own flesh and blood- I in you and you in Me, as Jesus prayed the night before He died.

After realizing this, the Lord made Himself so manifest to me that I was falling to pieces. I am sewn into Him; He has sewn me right into Him. Jesus has reached down, taken hold of me entirely, and placed me right in His living, beating heart, where I breathe Him in, because there is no other air.

"This tent is not made for heaven," I confessed, because the ecstasy was almost uncontainable.

I saw tears glittering in His eyelashes in grief and pain over the marring of His creation, of innocence.

“Jesus, I'm so sorry,” I whispered, holding Him close in love. "I'm so sorry."

I wiped some of His tears away with my hand, and I realized that some of the tears He would wipe away at the last would be His own.

From a letter written to a dear friend and sister in Christ, on January 2, 2017, describing this encounter with Jesus:

I’m not sure how to describe this experience, but I will use a metaphor.

Imagine that Jesus and I have been writing letters back and forth for many years, and exchanging pictures and over those many years, I have gathered up a whole precious amount of knowledge about Him. I feel as if I have a wide, deep foundation of His love and His nature and His purpose and His heart.

Each time I get a letter or a picture, I was full of joy to receive it. Sometimes I receive a letter a day, but I always look for the next one, and I have taught myself to write Him letters all the time, as often as I can remember. I write Him letters no matter what I am doing. Sometimes I forget, but then He reminds me and I try again.

One day, I have received a letter and I am reading it. As I am reading it, many pieces of Jesus and Who He is and who I am to Him all come together in my mind in a way I had never understood before, and just as I am understanding this, Jesus Himself opens the door to the room and walks into the room.

I am looking at the letter; I am looking at Him. I am so stunned I can’t speak. I don’t know what room I'm in anymore, but even though it’s not a physical room, it’s more real than anything I have known, and Jesus Himself is standing right in front of me, and I know Him.

Jesus of Galilea, Jesus of Nazareth, is standing in front of me. Jesus Who was crucified, Jesus Who ascended, Jesus, King of Heaven- so far above me it’s dizzying, so holy I should die just to see Him, so powerful He keeps all creation in motion and in place, so human that He was tired by a well in Samaria and the well is still there.

But more than this, I know Jesus the Messiah, Jesus the Son of God, and I have known Him all this time, and Jesus is a thousand times more beautiful, a thousand times more precious, a thousand times more lovely, a thousand times more holy, more complete, more utterly Himself, more utterly real, than I had ever grasped before, and yet I know Him, and He knows me, and He is gathering me up in His arms, and I know He could undo me just by His breath, but He is tender as a Lamb and His eyes are gentle as doves, and though He is most holy, flawless, a burning flame, I do not die to be held by Him, but I feel as if I am breaking apart into pieces, because this earthly tent is not made for that intensity. Every time I even glance at Him, I am nothing but a wordless outpouring of humble, adoring, murmuring worship, and yet I am so hungry for more that I am begging Jesus that He show me all His words, that He reveal all their meaning to me so that I may treasure them, and begging that He reveal to me more and more glimpses and insights into His life on earth, so that I can know Him and honor Him and I am begging Him that He give me strength to honor Him all the days of my life and that my life might in reality glorify Him and that I might live out His words, which I know and He knows I simply cannot do on my own, so I am begging Jesus to help me do it, and I know without Him telling me that I must trust Jesus, that He will do this, I must take hold of that trust and never let it go, because He is faithful.

That’s the metaphor, which can help express the experience. This encounter was so much that it seemed like every other encounter was a letter.

I still have never seen Jesus physically standing before me, and my spiritual sight is the same as ever, so I honestly do not know why sometimes Jesus comes to me and it’s a shattering experience and why sometimes He comes to me and it’s sweet and gentle and comforting. It’s some quality of His presence which Jesus alone determines.

I have been having visions lately- of a different quality than usual. These are the sorts of visions that one must see, that you cannot look away from until they pass away on their own.

Yesterday, I recorded this one in my phone:

January 1, 2017

Had another vision while I was worshipping at His feet and saying, “Be satisfied, be satisfied, have to the fullest what You deserve,” by which I meant, have the entire church in unity worshipping and glorifying Jesus, pouring out praise and love in many voices all worshiping Him in love.

And as I was saying this, I was seeing thin sheets of crystal clear water washing down a cream colored, smooth beach, the sheets of waters shining with light, overlapping, expanding, sheet after sheet sliding down in opening fan shapes and my vision lifted upward and outward, and I saw the sheets of water were going into the ocean and the ocean was full of waves of glistening shimmering light and above the ocean, a sky of massive white and gold clouds with the light streaming through, and it got brighter and the brightness almost had a sound, which seemed to be getting louder and I lifted my physical head in growing anticipation and the sky was taking up all my spiritual sight, and suddenly the vision was gone.

March 14, 2017

I have been too much wanting to be with Jesus to wait and have simply tossed myself into His arms and He is always kind enough to catch me there. I asked Him, should we go back to the inner rooms, but Jesus said no. Instead, He shows me the upper place. Briefly, I had seen Jesus in the Holy of holies, inside a small box with an open cover, but that was too peculiar, but now I realize that must have been the Ark of the Covenant with the lid open. I’d much rather see around us the golden light and open space than see the holy mysteries of the mercy seat. I know He is the hidden Manna either way. What I want is to curl up in His arms and breathe with Him and rest myself in His authority.

I saw Jesus stretch out and smile, His arms reaching above His head, His eyes closed, giving Himself over to the happiness, safety, and joy of being with one who loves and is loved, and it was almost too much, because the gesture and expression were recognizably human, like a person on a hammock on a summer day.

Do not be unbelieving, but believe, Jesus said without words, opening His eyes and looking at me. I could see His tender, peaceful face clearly enough that I knew He was not speaking aloud, because His mouth wasn’t moving, but I heard His words and knew His voice.

“You see in those moments, I won’t come away when I am in heaven, because there won’t be any distracting thoughts,” I said, pulling my thoughts back and returning myself to His presence, after writing the previous two paragraphs.

You came back, Jesus reminded me, smiling, and I made this connection swiftly- I did come back and it was swift, just a turning of my attention back to Him.

The truth is, that even now, when thoughts distract me, they don’t change the reality that I am still with Jesus.

“I wonder if it will be like that…” That is, that in heaven, if one has even just the thought of being with Him, one is with Him, and if one wishes to go elsewhere, one may go and then just as swiftly, return.

But I will never tire of you, Jesus stated, meaning that He would never wish to be anywhere or to do anything apart from me, so as far as He was concerned, He would never be going anywhere.

“You always love me better than I love You!”

Yes, Jenny, but don’t be ashamed, He said, reminding me of what we had already talked about- that we love Him because He first loved us. Even in heaven, when we are perfected, His love will take first place.

He sang to me, not last night, but the night before. He was sitting on the cushion on the ground, leaning against the stone shelf where sometimes He sits. Jesus was resting His arm on it, and He sang one of the psalms. His voice in the night was peaceful, unselfconscious but with easy self control.

"If I may…" I asked Jesus, humbly, because the knowledge of being with Jesus had become great and heavy. It often does require a kind of spiritual strength which He imparts in order to grasp this knowledge.

You may.

I wrapped my arms around Jesus and rested my cheek against His heart and poured love, love, love into His heart, knowing how much pain He feels each day- poured in love and peace and remembering how everything will turn out beautifully and there will be no more crying.

“Aloes!” I remembered.

Because when He was buried, they wrapped His body in a hundred pounds of myrrh and aloes. And in the sealed garden, one of the herbs growing there is aloes, the soothing and healing herb.

Sometimes when I love Jesus, I feel as if I am layering on pounds of spices of love, soothing love, jubilant love, melting love, layer after layer of love for Jesus poured over and onto Him.

“Lord, I feel,” I whispered, feeling the indescribably loss of the perfect innocence of the fellowship that existed between Him and Adam and Eve before the fall, and perfect fragility of innocence, which has and needs no defenses, because innocence needs only to breathe and to listen and look and begin to make a pattern of everything beautiful that is given. 

I was able to just begin to grasp the agony of that loss, the unspeakably marring of that most perfect innocence, not just of the two, but of the whole creation. The grief of Jesus must have been sharp, deep as a stabbing wound and aching like a bruise all through Him, the first taste of His great suffering, and one of the worst to hit His heart.

Jenny! Jesus cried out, as I was able to understand this, wrapping me up tightly in His arms. The loss must have been terrible to Jesus, I was realizing, a tearing of His heart- of His precious ones, His innocent ones, the apple of His eye, His beloved, formed of His own image and breath. But that was why He was willing to be torn on the cross to get us back.

Only now we are even closer to Jesus, because we make up His own body, the fullness of Him who fills everything everywhere with Himself. Now He is knit into us and we are knit into Him- He is the Son of God and the perfect human Man, and we are His human creation and the living children of God, born of His spirit. Now He can never lose us, once we are born of Him.

We are baptized back into innocence, sealed with the Holy Spirit until the full redemption of our bodies, which will be made incorruptible. Now we can, in our spirits, with Him in paradise, in the cool of the morning. In these bodies, we are groaning, but one day, we will receive the full perfection that the resurrection made possible. We will go back to the Garden, but it will be better.