Friday, July 21, 2017

July 21st

The order here has been switched- usually, I would be posting the second backstory blog, but instead it will be from the current journal. The Holy Spirit prompts me to do this from time to time. This first journal entry from February 7th is the end of one that I held back, because I didn't want the last current blog to end that way, and I asked the Holy Spirit what to do, and He said to make it the first one later, so it is the first one here.

The Lord would not have me sharing these things if He was not wanting to multiply and speak through them according to His will. Because the Lord uses my testimony as a type, or small picture of a larger reality, the meaning comes through better to think of it that way.

February 7, 2017

At the end of all His ministry and signs, and having heard the voice of Abba speak from the heavens, they still question, test and do not recognize Jesus.

Who is this son of man? They ask.

What a tragic question! Even though He had done so many miracles before them, right before their eyes, yet still they did not trust in Jesus and failed to believe in Him.

He urges them to remain in the light, to believe in the light, so that they may become sons of light, and then He hides Himself from their view, and that is the end of his public ministry in the book of John.

February 8, 2017

“Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come down in to join You,” I said, and went down into the sacred inner space which is His place within my spirit. This opened into sight, and in His arms, all the bruises and stresses of the last twenty four hours began to ease away.

Soldiers do not get themselves entangled in civilian affairs. I realized for me this means staying clear of cross breezes and distractions of lesser things. I cannot approach the Lord's work as if it were a social club, I must go with the focus of a trained soldier, there to do His will, to say only His words and to do only the Lord’s work. Of course, this means that I love as I wish to be loved, and that this love is long suffering, patient and kind, always believing the best, so I’m not going to appear like a soldier at all, but like a naïve child, but that’s alright.

Daily verse from Biblegateway. com:

You have heard that it was said, You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy; But I tell you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, To show that you are the children of your Father Who is in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the wicked and on the good, and makes the rain fall upon the upright and the wrongdoers [alike].”
-Matthew 5:43-45 AMPC

“All done, all done,” I was whispering to Him, going to Jesus as though at the end of His life and He was pouring love thick as honey over me as I clung to Him. Jesus is so full of strength and solidity and life and warmth. “Mine,” I whispered, with deepest satisfaction. Jesus had His arms wrapped around me, holding me tight.

Heart of my heart, beloved one.

“How are You doing?”

Jenny, I love you.

"You love me. You love me!"

I’ve been telling you that all day, Jesus reminded me and He has. I’ve heard Him say it to me at quiet moments last night and yesterday.

His burning heart for His Church! His passion is much for intense than mine. I have to pray with Him, I was thinking, as I was drenched in His love, realizing that what this means is that I had better pray in tongues, because so far His prayers haven’t had words, only intensity of longing.

I must walk as a trained and focused warrior of the Lord Jesus Christ, and that means without soulish armor and with my heart on my sleeve, looking at His face continually, as though before eternity. Just like Jesus, I must say only those words that the Lord Jesus gives me to say, and do not set myself up to judge, but listen like a disciple for the command of the Lord, which is eternal life.

Is not His word like a hammer that breaks in pieces? It is. It does break in pieces pride, self-reliance, vain philosophy, self-pity, self-satisfaction, self-righteousness, defensiveness, lies, deception, accusation. The word of the Lord Jesus Christ breaks them in pieces.

Is not My word like fire [that consumes all that cannot endure the test]? says the Lord, and like a hammer that breaks in pieces the rock [of most stubborn resistance]?
-Jeremiah 23:29

The fruit of that vineyard covers the whole world; was the whole world worthy? It was not. It was not, and neither was I deserving of grace, but Jesus gave it to me in abundance. Freely I have received, freely I must give.

“But I will do Your work when I’m down here,” I said to Jesus, with Him again, wishing that work could be over already and knowing it was not.

Yes, Jenny.

"Lord, bring Your Church up into the fullness of Your stature!" This was a passionate request and I wanted to go on and tell Jesus how to do it, because I was thinking that surely it would require an outpouring of the fear of the Lord, but I paused before asking Him for this, because how do I know? His will be done. Which is what I have been praying for through that intercessory prayer book by Andrew Murray.

“Who am I to know? You would laugh at me (if I presumed to tell You what to do or what was needed),” I declared, snuggling down into the curve of His arm like a lamb.

I would not, Jesus disagreed, looking down at me tenderly. Jesus was towering over me like a mountainside; I seemed to be looking up a long way to see His face turned toward me, and yet I did not feel far away from Him, the King of kings and Lord of lords, above all powers and principalities, all of whom in the third heaven serve Him and do His will, and watch over the Church, some of whom I was aware were there with us, though I could not see them clearly at all, just the sense that massively powerful and holy beings who are submitted to the Lord and who passionately love Him and do His will were there near Him and listening.

“Then in You I can always find it again when I need it,” I said, returning to His arms in relief, because He had given me something much too large for me to lift, which I could not see well, but it was heavy, and I had given it back to Him to keep for me, because I didn’t want to reject the gift, but I didn’t know how I could use it or even lift it without Jesus’ direct involvement.

Yes, Jenny, Jesus assured me.

“Oh my goodness, did You give me a hammer?” I asked, unable to avoid the connection that was becoming very obvious to me.

Yes, Jenny.

Fled from the thought immediately, but Jesus said, write it down. If I write something down, I must remember it.

This all seems too much for me, but the Lord’s will be done. I will have everything I need to fulfill His will and purpose on earth, because He is faithful. So I will have clear direction and strength and ability and I will trust Jesus at all times.

Jenny, don’t be afraid, Jesus said to be tenderly, when I was with Him in the golden nest of peace, pouring out everything in relief that it was done.

“He will give me a hammer and I will use it when He says,” I declared to myself in steady joy at furthering His kingdom on earth. “Lord, Thy will be done. Thy Kingdom come. Let it only be as You say. I will wait for Your direction. Apart from You I can do nothing. But I will swing that hammer when You tell me to, and with the strength You give me.”

“Lord I will be listening (for further confirmation and direction.)”

It will be woven and built up into you.

“Lord, this is too much for me.”

I know, sweetheart, He said tenderly. But that’s always the way it is in the Kingdom of God. The tasks are always too much for us. That’s the point. It’s because we must do them with Him.

“The Lord is my Good Shepherd,” I whispered to Him, pouring love into Jesus for His goodness, for being with me always, even to the end of the age, for making Himself available to me and not leaving me to long for Him in agony of longing and loneliness, but making a way for me to be with Him where He is.

“I will have everything I need,” I declared to Jesus in thanksgiving and worship for His goodness. “You lead me beside the still waters and You make me to lie down in green pastures. You restore my mind…” As I said this, I felt His hand resting lightly on the top of my physical head. “You restore my mind, my will and my emotions.” Felt His peace pour down through me as these words, stopped to record this. “You lead me in the paths of righteousness for Your name’s sake!” Belief and joy filled me as I rejoiced in and accepted and praised His faithfulness to lead me, having always led me and will always lead me faithfully, halleluiah!

My one, Jesus whispered with love.

“I am Your one Jenny (middle and last name),” I acknowledged, giving myself to His will completely, inwardly and outwardly, knowing that there is only one of myself. We are very precious to Him. Jesus won’t ever make another one of us again. He’s got only one of each of us.

February 10, 2017

“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, I listen…”

I love you.

Words of the blog and letter running through my head again, which is not exactly a sin, but it’s not productive and can lead to things that I am ashamed of, once I am in His presence, like a feeling of soulish vanity over something that is not mine to glory in. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” I said to Jesus, realizing it. Still haven’t made it to Him, but I saw Him beside me, particularly His arm, strong and muscled, as He gave me something to eat from His hand.

“Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them,” Jesus had said, after washing their feet to give them an example. If their Lord and Master had washed their feet, how much more so should they wash each other’s feet!

Only what does that mean, if it’s not literal? I still haven’t had an insight into that. It has to do with profound humility and service, but not cleanliness, because Jesus said they were already clean- those who have bathed are already clean, they need only to wash their feet- usually when they come in the house, so maybe it’s a service having to do with home and rest and welcome.

So shy to come to His presence! At first, I saw Jesus laughing like a lion. Then I came again, but shyly, with my face down, but Jesus came and took me by the shoulders and bent down and turned me to look at Him; His face was glowing with love.

Turned to Him, Jesus caught me and held me by love. Melting into His love, opening up my whole soul and spirit to Him in confession. “This is all that I am."

You do My will, Jesus replied, His quiet voice coming with the stream of love pouring through me and over me.

“Thank God for that!”

“Lord, I worship at Your feet,” I declared, overwhelmed, curled up on His feet and clinging to His ankles, making myself very small.

You know that’s not where I want you, Jesus reminded me, full of loving humor.

“Lord, I confess, I have done this (written these blogs)!” (When I'm not directly with the Lord, one of the worst and most persistent doubts that I face is that I'm not doing His work at all, and that it is not sanctioned by Him and that when I see Him, I'll face His wrath, so it is a great relief to me, when I come into His presence, to again present myself and my work to Him and to know that Jesus is faithful and guiding me and that the doubt is a lie.)

I know your works, Jesus replied, full of peace.

“Lord, be glorified! Be glorified on this earth. Be glorified. Be glorified on this earth!”

Because just as Jesus returned to the Father carrying redeemed humanity and glory to the Father, we can return to Jesus bringing through Him, glory to the Father as well, and fruit that lasts. Because we do this through Jesus, Jesus is continually bringing the Father glory through us.

I opened my eyes and looked at Jesus and He opened His eyes and looked at me and we searched each other’s faces for a moment and I melted down in joyful love into His arms, a joyful love of hardly words, because of being with Jesus, with Jesus! And He sees right down through me and because of Him, I am redeemed and made whole and can be with Him without shame or fear.

“Thank You, Lord, thank You,” I said, physically stretching my arms out to the side and looking up to the ceiling- thanking Him for the hour of being with Him and of forgiving my soul, which gets restless after even one hour. “You know exactly what I need,” I confessed, because I had almost gone back to sleep, which I sometimes do on a Friday morning, but He told me to meet Him here and this has been refreshing and strengthening to my soul and spirit and I thank You.

“Without You I cannot live,” I whispered to Jesus before getting up for the day.

February 11, 2017

“You know what You are doing; You are going to go right on teaching me to pray…” Thinking of how the whole church was praying all night for Peter’s release. I have yet to pray like that.

Communion with God, what a sacred thing. This communion is only through faith, purity, trust and innocence. Such things shine out and are beautiful and rare in this broken world. No wonder Jesus said we are the light of the world- He shines through us in such a lovely, pure, unearthly way. He doesn’t shine through us without our participation, that’s what’s so beautiful. Willingly, out of love, we yield to Him because we love and worship Him, and Jesus loves us and cares for us and protects us and shines through us. It’s an organic, heavenly connection, a living connection between ourselves and God.

“You are Holy and Whole, and You are making me holy and whole! Lord, I am utterly dependent upon You, I cannot do anything of myself. Thank You for Your long suffering love toward me!”

“Most holy Lord, I long for the day…”

My burning one, Jesus said, gathering me up closer in His arms.

“All that I want, all that I want, all that I want,” I was saying, having reached Him at last and for forever, and these words and this knowledge like a drum beat that got louder and louder and would soon break into unbearable joy and fulfillment.

From phone:

I am hungry and thirst for righteousness, and I will be filled, for that is the Lord’s own words.

February 13, 2017

“Lord, ignore my soul. Forgive me. I’m coming to You, to spend an hour with You and I don’t care if it’s an hour of trial to my soul or not, I am coming…”

Saw glimpse of Jesus, so I knew how to orient myself to Him- I knew where He was and where He wanted me, and I was amazed all over again at His mercy, that Jesus should still make Himself available to me, even when soul was thinking outrageously insulting things, like haven’t I loved Him enough already and I don’t want to sit in that chair for an hour.

Many times yesterday, whenever I could rest quietly, I was in Nazareth waiting for Jesus to come after a long time away. News would come that He was on His way and still a day or so of waiting and then the commotion of voices and children in the street and knowing He was right outside on the street, in the hot sun, with His disciples, and hearing them come inside, their voices full of happiness.

“I am so sorry,” I was saying, my cheek against His beaten and rejected heart, full of longing and sorrow and love. I breathed on His heart, a breath of warm love. “I don’t understand it, but give them one more chance! Dig out around the roots and see…” Jesus had burst out laughing and I did not need to finish the sentence, because He knew exactly what I was meaning.

“Let me have a taste of Your joy, is not Your joy that of bringing to the Father that which He so longs for? Give me a taste of that joy.”

All of it, Jesus insisted.

“Give me all Your joy, the fullness of Your joy, that I might have Your joy in me and be made full,” I agreed. “As a member of Your Body, filled with Your life, Lord Jesus, let me draw them in and bring them to You! All glory to You, Lord Christ! All the agony and the burden, all the triumph and the victory are Yours.”

“Never to leave You, never to leave You,” I was murmuring in ecstasy, the encounter with Jesus so overwhelming sometimes I couldn’t outwardly move, and inwardly, nothing but breathing in His arms, feeling Him breathe, watching His face, knowing He was Jesus, and I had reached Him and had Him forever. One must submit entirely to Him in order to be that close to Him.

Always and forever, Jenny, Jesus assured me.

Jesus! Jesus, Himself! “You are Lord of all. You are Lord of all and I owe You all…” The knowledge of the cross swept over me, leaving me in wordless rapture of wonder, love, worship and gratitude. His face! So human, so His own. Jesus Christ is a Person, one particular Person.

July 4, 2017

Been realizing that it’s because my perspective on Jesus has grown that I’m finding it difficult to be with Him. It’s because, on Sunday, while praying during the church service in the prayer room, Jesus reveals His power and presence and heart in such great degree that further traces of disbelief are swept right out, leaving me sobbing actually. Sobbing because of the magnitude of His sacrifice on the cross and the way it is treated in the world, and even among His own, sometimes. I am guilty of taking it lightly sometimes.

And also I become so aware of His authority and power, which are above all, and also His passionate but absolutely righteous love of His Church- that is, the love is so great, and yet it does not condone sin, His love forgives sin. This is not like a human love, because it sweeps nothing under the rug, to be left there while everyone pretends to ignore it, but forgives sin completely and finally- forgives it! Removes it completely. Forgets it because it's truly gone. And His love passionately desires righteousness in response, because the Lord is righteous and holy, full of integrity and faithfulness and honor, and He is willing to grow righteousness and faithfulness in us over time, and can do so in any that are willing and trusting.

So, I’m finding it difficult to go to Jesus and rest in His arms, because I think, how on earth dare I do so? Even though when I’m praying, the Lord comes so close to me and I can see Him discernibly and movingly in the spirit, often as though He were kneeling right before me as I kneel on the floor, and I can place each of my hands in His, and look up at Him. The Lord does not speak, but I see His face, full of strength and unfailing love and gentleness.

And during those times, I am very close to His Holy Spirit, who is hovering over me or dancing with me, or both. It's as though I am a piece of kelp anchored to the rock of the Lord, being swept forward and back in the tides of the Holy Spirit as I kneel there, praying constantly during the worship service. These have been the most powerful encounters with Jesus that I have ever known, and if I could be in that prayer room every Sunday, I would be there.

At one point, I was on my face on the floor, bowed down and almost groaning in tongues, under the grip of an intense fear of God, because I was becoming aware that Jesus Christ Himself passionately intercedes for the Church, and I felt the gathering force of that release of those intercessions, those prayers- I felt the longing that the Lord has to bring forth the answers to the prayers of His own heart. That had my on my face. The force of an earthquake has far less power than the prayers of Jesus Christ. We have to be ready, we have to be on a firm foundation. We have to be firmly founded on the Lord Himself before we can receive the answers to His own prayers for us.

Felt Jesus come and put His arms around me as I sat in the chair. “Lord, I listen,” I said, making clear that I did not feel like going directly to Him, and so I was going to be waiting for His invitation, though wordlessly and swiftly Jesus told me I could go right to Him- the first and usual invitation stood.

“How is that even possible?” I was thinking after typing that.

Because I love you, Jesus answered.

“His love is a real thing; Jesus really loves!” I was thinking to myself.


“But I’m not worthy to be with You.”

I know, sweetheart, Jesus replied, which was not the answer I was expecting, but it is the honest answer. It’s never been about being worthy, I never have been worthy of myself. It’s because He loves me and paid the full price for fellowship and communion with me.

“You are not far- You are very vast, but You are not far,” I was saying to Him after I found Him, because after all, the Word is not far from us, He is in our hearts. This is also a true thing, and you can be much more truly close to a person spirit to spirit than in any other way. I could be physically seated close to someone and have their thoughts be far away, but if my spirit is in the spirit of another, of the Lord Jesus Christ, then there is no possible distance.


Ah, Jenny, precious temple!

I saw His face clearly, His countenance one of almost austere features, with thick, textured beard and level brows, His eyes full of light. His face reveals the great strength of His character and the extent of His suffering, borne in patient love, and yet everything about Jesus was softened by love and peace, as rocky cliffs are suffused by golden light.