Sitting up by the computer for the first time to try that, saw Jesus take me by the hand and swing me around. Went to His presence, felt some shame, but didn’t know for what. “I’m sorry Jesus,” I said, my head bowed, and let go of all these soft, heavy pieces of baggage that fell off my shoulders. He caught me up in His love and that was all that I knew.
I am the Door for the sheep, I remembered reading. “Most holy Lord Jesus,” I breathed, holding Him, the One who spoke those words.
Last night, fell asleep thinking of the hot and heavy sun of Nazareth in the summer, on a Sabbath day of rest, falling in heavy squares through the windows of stone onto the floor in the late afternoon, everything quiet in the heat, even the chickens.
Opened my inner eyes and saw His face, looked right into His eyes and saw them clearly. His eyes focused directly on me, His face full of quiet, smiling love, but those eyes of Jesus, seeing right down through me! Thank goodness He is good and that He loves us and that His love is tender and unfailing! “Holy Lord God,” I breathed. “You are Lord!” Jesus is unquestionably the Living God, seeing all things and knowing all things and having all power and all life.
Saw the great space and distance and light all around us. In the spacious center, came into my mind. At the very center is great stretches of quiet, sacred space and in the center of that is the Lord at rest, resting in love. I was singing over Him, aware that it was just the Lord Jesus and I in all that space.
“If only I had been born… (when You were on the earth!)”
No, I want you right here.
Nearing the end of the hour and my flesh is restless, which I must confess to the Lord Jesus in embarrassment, but He never makes me feel that way, He takes it away.
Stood on the polished floor and looked around me at the distances, but I wasn’t ready yet to go beyond the haze of light at the edges- my faith wasn’t strong enough to support it. So I went back to the inner rooms, the hillside house and stepped onto the floor, known and after all, not cold or abandoned, but as though we had just left it. Quieter than usual, though. Put my fingers around the rim of the fountain, walked down the water covered steps through the trees and then went through the trees that stand at the edge to the lawn.
Stepped under the red maple tree on the new lawn and felt a leaf. The wind came and gently blew the leaves away in gusts.
Turned into His embrace once more, with the wordless prayer that I be able to do so even during the day.
At any time, Jenny, Jesus reminded me.
February 2, 2017
“Because I love You, I sit down to be with You,” I said to the Lord, which is a phrase I’ve been using more and more these last few days: Because I love You… “Because I love You, I empty the dishwasher. Because I love You, I take a deep breath and reach for more patience before I speak, I pause to pray, I pay this bill, I take Abby for a walk…" Jesus has been helping me to remember do be doing things for love of Him a lot more than I ever could remember before.
I continue to see Him in Nazareth, in the heavy fall of sunlight through the open windows, on the Sabbath. “Here is where I want to be,” I confessed to Him, curled up in His arms, in the peace of that moment. I only see Him there for a few moments, because it puts me to sleep almost immediately.
“And it won’t tire me out to be with You,” I declared, finding myself with Jesus in that open space, and yet feeling the pull of my tired body, which loosened when I said that.
“Now I see what will happen if I do any reading before coming to You- it will distract my thoughts,” I confessed to Jesus, finding them drawn away again to that topic.
Or you could discuss it with Me, He invited.
“Peace to go out to the whole Body, peace saturated with Your presence to go out and fill them, bundled up in peace, and draw them to You,” I prayed, as I was caught up in the warmth of His arms. I saw His face, solemn and still. “Is it right?” I asked Him, wondering if He was pleased with my praying and doing that.
Yes it is. Beloved, it is, Jesus repeated when I waited again for confirmation, and then as though on a soft breeze into my mind came His own words, My peace I give to you, My peace I leave with you.
“Be loved, most holy heart, be loved,” I whispered, becoming aware of His heart in His chest, and the pain and longing that Jesus feels. But Jesus lives in me, and when we are together, I may hold Him in my arms and pour wave after wave of love straight to His heart.
The ones who oppose us are the ones we are meant to be serving, is the insight Jesus has just opened up into my heart. When we grow stronger in the Lord, that strength is meant to be used for the assistance of those who need it.
“You are very kind to me, Lord,” I said to Jesus, after He drew me once again into His presence after a distraction.
I love you.
“And I will never be embarrassed by silly thoughts of my flesh,” I declared, having had one about being tired and bored.
Don’t be shy, He said, when I had ducked my head.
“Shall I play that game?” The game of going further away and then walking toward Him through the courts.
No, stay right here.
“You led me safely through it and I didn’t even know what I was walking through!” It doesn’t even matter what I know or don’t know, Jesus truly is faithful in all things and all the glory goes to Him. I am a captive in His victory parade.
“You live in me,” I thought again with joy, delighting in Jesus and welcoming and loving Him, and then I remembered the other half, which meant I was in heaven also, and I lifted my head and took my eyes from His face for a moment to look around at the space around me and the hazy distance. But only a moment, and I brought my gaze right back to His face. “I don’t want to be enamored of even heaven,” I confessed. “There is no heaven for me apart from You. You are my heaven, no matter what the flesh thinks.” Because I was getting fleshly thoughts of curiosity to go wandering and to see what there was to see- which isn’t necessarily wrong or forbidden, but I remembered that verse about the simplicity of devotion to Christ. It is possible to become enamored of spiritual things apart from Christ, and I don't want to be wandering off in that way.
“You are worthy of all the best and most holy things,” I breathed, seeing beautiful, precious and holy things being poured into the arms of Jesus, the beloved Son of God, pure of heart, obedient in all things, willing to be sent- the most precious only begotten Son that the Father set apart and sent into the world.
“Thank You for enabling me to love You,” I said to Him, thinking of those who had picked up stones to stone Him, because they weren’t able to understand a word He said. But the Lord opened my ears to hear His voice, because I belonged to the Father first. I don’t remember this, but it must be true, because that’s what Jesus says. I must have been taught by the Father so that I could come to Jesus as one of His own.
“Forgive me Lord and thank You for bearing with me as I continue to grow,” I said to Jesus, hold to Him tightly, because of the rising distractions of hunger and restlessness at the end of the hour.
Aware, again and again, of His scourging- I brought it to mind deliberately, to focus my attention on Him. Thought of Jesus tied helpless, in agony, and thought of how much it meant to Him now to be with us, to have us with Him, and to be loved by us, so I held Him in love, waves of love.
Today, the screen saver changed to a picture of Death Valley, which is the lowest point in America, which was significant, because I would be posting a very humbling blog the next day. And yet that valley held a lot of beauty in the light.
February 4, 2017
Bundling Him up, face to face, in the peace and stillness.
“Thank You for what is, for Your perfect will, Your wisdom is high above the heavens,” I said, causing His love to intensify at my sudden understanding that there was no reason to regret what had happened, but instead to thank Him and thereby give Him glory for what He does with it.
"Jesus is here!" I was singing. "Let Him fall into love, let Him be loved, be only loved, be held in love, be bundled in love, have here nothing but love."
Jesus is here! “Lord, I light all the candles,” I declared in joy, and a whole half circle of them went up into blaze and then turned into one light and that light surrounding us.
“You are the Lord of lords, and to have lords is for Your glory and You deserve all glory and have all authority and dominion and strength and honor and power and wisdom and riches, and I get to love You!” I cried, realizing it, holding Him even more tenderly and kissing His temple. “I get to love You! I get to love You!”
By touching the spirit of a person, you reach them the most immediately- drew Jesus into my arms, remembering this, and He said my name in joy, in love.
Drew His heart into my embrace, to comfort Him for His tears for Lazarus. The agony sometimes of watching us suffer, even knowing the weight of glory that is coming! I bathed His heart in love, knowing some of His grief for us, sharing it with Him. As I did, this sweet incense went rising up from His heart and my heart, because the grief shared is turned to something beautiful when the sadness is placed in trust before the Lord.
“I remember, that was my first job,” I said in surprise, returning to Jesus, remembering how I shared in and comforted Jesus in His grief and suffering with us.
You are most precious, most valuable to Me, Jesus said quietly.
My flesh already getting restless, though.
Jesus withstood intense pressures- the waiting of those two days while Lazarus slipped away and knowing the grief of Martha and Mary, and yet waiting, holding in the place He was, and still ministering and teaching and being present to those that were with Him, remaining in the will of the Father- that is such strength and endurance.
Went straight back to Him with love and He received me joy, with open arms. I want you to come to Me because you love Me, I remembered Jesus telling me some years ago. He doesn’t want me to change that.
“Be loved, be loved, Lord Jesus,” I was saying, over and over, receiving Him as though from the cross, or seeing the cross above or beside, and pouring out rich, sweet heady love to Him.
From my phone:
"You don’t put any (outwardly appearing) armor on me," because I have been realizing this.
No, I don’t. I am your armor.
However, recently I was resting in bed and resisting some fear and the Lord made me aware of the spiritual house that I live in and I was amazed, frankly, at the level of unassailable defense that Jesus has put around this physical house. The spiritual walls were several feet thick and there seemed to be two walls- an inner and an outer wall and within, the peace was like unfiltered sunlight in the afternoon.
Anyway, if I am, in some way, standing within the Lord Jesus so that He is my armor, than I could not ask for a better defense.
February 5, 2017
A very obedient daughter, I heard.
“Well, that is all the Lord’s work. Who wouldn’t be obedient to Him if He poured Himself into their life? Is the Lord alive? Is He capable of calling us to obedience? Yes, yes, He is, by His very goodness He is,” I was saying, and looked to Jesus. He had been resting, but He had lifted His head and was laughing.
Don’t be shy, Jesus encouraged, as soon as I returned from typing the above, because I had been.
“Who knows what are the thoughts of a man but the spirit of the man? Likewise who knows the deep things of God but the Spirit of God? And we have not been given the spirit of the world, but the Spirit of the Lord…” I was saying, and my inner eyes were opened to see this truth, by seeing Jesus, knowing that I was seeing Him through His Spirit, who takes from what is His and gives it, and I was receiving all that was coming of Jesus, revealing Him from the inside out, and not in a passing way, but in a permanent way. I was seeing the One I already have, that I already have enshrined in the throne and most holy of holies in my spirit- Jesus abides and rests there. I was pouring out tender love and receiving the same from Jesus. I know this has been written many times, but Jesus is full of love. There is no one more loving than Jesus.
I used to be the ox- long suffering, patiently enduring trial, but while I use this knowledge when needed, I'm something else now and I don’t know what I am yet, I realized, as I rested with Jesus. Maybe that silken ribbon I had been seeing before is the stuff of a cocoon and inside of it, as I rest in His arms, I am being changed into something else of His will.
Little butterfly, Jesus said, when I returned to the curve of His arm.
February 6, 2017
“Jesus, I don’t feel much… I feel pretty ragged…” Couldn’t finish the sentence, but I saw His hand reach down close to me, I saw this the callouses on His palm and the strength of His hand.
So distracted. “I will to love You, I will to focus on You,” I finally had to say. “I will, I will, I will.” And just offer that even if there was nothing else, but I was seeing Jesus and His love was pouring into me.
Assailed by stupid thoughts, but I didn’t pause from them. “I leave those disgusting thoughts behind and I will to love You. I will to love You and be with You through Your blood shed on the cross,” I insisted, refusing also the shame of having such thoughts in my head, which I know is a trap, because the shame keeps me away from Jesus too long and sometimes I am not choosing to have those thoughts at all, they just drop in and I won’t let some disgusting thought dropped into my head keep me from Jesus when I wish I never knew or had seen such things at all.
I was focusing on His scourging. Jesus is patient and waiting and gentle. If I love on Jesus, He loves me. If I get distracted, Jesus loves me. But I want to give Him the gift of loving on Him, even if it is by will.
Could you not wait and watch with Me one hour? keeps echoing through me, and I thought of how many Christians that has inspired throughout the centuries. “I will to love Your heart, I will to love Your heart,” I declared, putting my cheek to His heart and forcing myself to remember His grief and sorrow. When I do this, love does awaken and come rising like incense out of my heart to His- but if my will were not bulldozing the way forward, the sweet feeling could not follow.
Don’t lose faith (in praying), Jesus said, having wrapped me up tight in His arms, as I was thinking about how wonderful it was to pray, but how some prayers were not answered in the way I had hoped.
Even after released, stayed and lingered in His presence, talking to Him, thanking Him for this or that, and then the love opened up and went down deep into the center, where I rested with Jesus in great relief and refreshment. Now I will go start my day.
February 7, 2017
Had an emotionally compelling but soulish dream last night, woke before five and remembered to shake it off and found Jesus even more compelling and present, His love intoxicating. I wonder if that exercise of shaking the dream off, no matter how attractive, and turning to Jesus, was a training for how I can sometimes come to Him now, as though shaking off this life and coming to Him in eternity.
Prayed some strong prayers last night, asking for mercy to triumph over judgment and for Jesus to have all the glory, even though I felt weak and had a pounding headache, spiritually, I was filled with intensity, with joy.
“Smash it. Cast down that vain imagination!” I cried to Jesus, pointing at a thought that I had just become conscious of- of some imagined offense, which probably hadn't happened, which had the potential to cause offense if invested in, which is what made me so angry when I became aware of it.
Then I was abashed that I had just ordered Jesus to do something and I turned to Him for reassurance.
We work together, Jesus reminded me.
“You have the ability and I have Your word?”
Yes, just so.
Because it becomes more and more clear to me that I have the ability of myself to do zilch. Zero. I can do of myself nada. But Jesus has all the power and all the authority and Jesus backs His word with all the honor of His name, so He will do it, according to His name. So when I ask according to the good and perfect will of Jesus, I know I will receive it. That kind of faith is a weapon, a very great weapon, because those are the words of Jesus that are brought to mind in complete faith in Him and none in me.
“By faith,” I whispered, settling myself in and placing my palm against His heart, and the knowing of being in His presence swept through me, and I whispered, “Forgive me,” because Jesus is holy, and my soul is sometimes going off in all these unproductive and embarrassing directions in the light of His clarity. But Jesus is overflowing with tender mercies, and in response, He picked my hand up and kissed it.
“Cleanse the thoughts of my heart by the in-washing of Your Holy Spirit,” I prayed, “so that I might perfectly love You and worthily magnify Your great name.” Felt the release and lightness of this happening as I prayed it.
Beautiful one, Jesus said, as I put my head down again to focus on Him.
“I have One, I have One, I have One!” my heart was singing with joy when I reached for Jesus immediately and found Him, and the flowing of His love. My love and longing is not going after this or that other thing, thank God, because He is keeping me according to His Word and my frequent, urgent prayer that He keeps me only unto Himself.
On Sunday, during the Prayer service, I had been sitting at a pew praying and then we moved into worship and I was praying and worshiping as though before His throne, right before Jesus. Spiritually, I was at His feet and I was grasping the hem of His robe and the fear of God was so much in me that I was physically curled up on the ground with my forehead on the ground and my hands palm upward. I dared not even to lift my head in the holy presence of the Lord and of His Christ. I had been praying in tongues, letting my spirit reach down deep and deeper through surrender to the Holy Spirit, letting Him speak through me in trust, and it was afterward or during that prayer that I found myself face down so close, in my spirit, to the throne, pouring out gratitude that I could even worship the Lord Jesus Christ! Just to worship Him is a privilege, but I was pouring out love on His feet, which were right before me with the nail holes.
“Lord, let me bring glory to You, glory to You and let me draw others right to You and let them not see me, and not stumble over me, but simply see You and go right after You.”
“Lord, let You be loved, let You be loved, let You be loved by Your people who let You in,” I was praying.
Because the knowledge that within me, in my spirit, is the very resting place of God Himself, the resting place of the Lord Jesus Christ, and I was welcoming Him in and resting Him with love and worship and adoration into that holy of holies that is living and spiritual and personal, because I am a living person. How intoxicating it must be to Jesus! He does not rest in a cold stone inner room lined with cold metal gold, He rests in a living spirit of a person who is born from His Holy Spirit, a unique living person whom Jesus created with love and endowed with free will who freely surrendered to Him and who freely chose to delight in Him and who fills that room with love.
Holy things are safe in Heaven, Jesus reminded me.
“When I get to heaven, I will love You as You ought to be loved, ought to be loved, ought to be loved,” I sang for the pure joy of it, the promise of it. Then soul will not be hindering and conflicting and the body will not be hobbling. Everything will function perfectly, joyfully, according to the purpose for which it was made by Him, which is to adore Him.
“Lord, here I am,” I said, throwing my spirit through that thin veil, and I saw His face come clear as though through water that had been milky turning clear and still, and His face was full of longing and love and quietness. “Lord, here I am in surrender and for judgment,” because I can’t see Him like that and not know that I am presenting myself as though at the end of my life, and the judgment brings release and relief and lightness. I clung to His heavy shoulders with relief, in that nest of warm golden light heaped about.
Logged on later to do some work, the screen saver was a laughing fox face filling the whole screen, vivid red and cute and my first response was terribly negative and then I tried to be calm about it and then I remembered: Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vines for our vines have delicate grapes,” and I remembered how constantly during the day I had been catching thoughts of offense, and some could have made future trouble and some could have caused an argument immediately, and handing both over to Jesus as quickly and completely as possible.
It is extremely important to catch and expel and exile those foxes of offense right now, because the vines do have tender grapes- it is right at the beginning of the Lord’s work, and He does not want those tender grapes, that growing fruit, to be hurt before it comes to harvest time, which means I must bite my tongue and also never entertain a thought of offense. That is even more important. If I do not even entertain a thought of offense, it will never even make it to my lips. So instead I pray a prayer of blessing and thanksgiving; I remember Jesus saying Do unto others as you would have them do unto you and I remember, Love is ever ready to believe the best about others, and I remember always to assume best intentions, just as I would wish others to do for me.
“I'll walk this training out day by day and week by week, but Lord, please don't delay Your plans on my account!”
It will be on My timeline.