September 1st

March 19, 2017

Having trouble reaching by faith, have sat here for perhaps ten minutes doing nothing but pursuing one thought after another- thoughts about Jesus and what He’s done, but not actually being with Him.

I kept seeing myself going up a staircase, but the staircase only went so far up, or broke or seeing myself trying to launch into flight but only jumping up and down, and I rejected the entire thought, because Jesus lives in me and I in Him and no such staircase or flight is needed and with that faith I simply turned to Jesus, where He lives and waits within me and I saw His face and His eyes full of clear love, and He sighed with pleasure as I finally settled into His arms.

“Jesus, Jesus, I long for You,” I was saying, beginning to tap into the vehement longing that waits always somewhere in the inmost chamber of my spirit, a longing that is almost stronger than my own life.

Don’t tear it apart, Jesus said immediately.

Because the longing is to see Him fully, and to unleash that longing takes away the pleasure and joy of being with Jesus spirit to spirit, which is just as true and just as beautiful. I can’t enjoy even that awe inspiring gift, that unspeakable joy, if right in the midst of being in the presence of Jesus, I begin to be torn apart with unbearable longing to have Him fully.

So when Jesus spoke, I tucked the longing back in and opened my heart up completely to the joy of being with Jesus Christ, which has been my discipline of love and faith now these few years, so that I may take joy in receiving Jesus, celebrating Him and loving on Him in my very self, in my spirit, which is His home, His throne, His Holy of holies, made just for Him originally and restored through His Passion.

I wonder what that urgent longing is for? I have yet to use it for anything. Maybe it’s like an engine of longing that is always back there like a generator, giving out steady longing that always powers my need to see Jesus and to be with Him and keeps my face turned toward Him, but it has a settling that could be put to high, and that settling has yet to be used. I think that’s a good metaphor. The longing is constantly in use, just not at its most intense settling or peak.

“What do You think of that way of understanding?” I asked, returning to Jesus.

So very good.

March 20, 2017

Yesterday even as I was driving to church, the Holy Spirit was filling the car and when I got to the church, waves of the Holy Spirit were washing over me, though I had not been able to come to the passion prayer service. I kept being reminded that this was the time to pour our audible worship to Jesus with my brothers and sisters- now was the chance to worship Him that way, so I was taking the opportunity to the full. The songs were of holiness and the word was about holiness and submission to Jesus. That was what I have been praying to Jesus for- for holiness in us through the Holy Spirit of Truth. During the praise time, Jesus told me to go to the alter and kneel down, but I kept hesitating and I heard, don’t hold up the program! So I went and knelt down and prayed in tongues for the Lord to move in the church.

The sermon was very good and it was about how to go through this particular period in history- by being full of God, standing on the Word and using the weapons of the Word- the Word of God, the name of Jesus and the blood of the Lamb.

Afterward, he asked if anyone was in the fight of their lives right then, and I raised my hand. I went straight down to the front for prayer as soon as he offered the invitation, though I was standing there with my heart pounding out of my chest at the first realization that I was going down.

Well, down to the alter I went and waited while worshiping the Lord and first the leader of the prayer team came and prayed over me in tongues and the only part that I heard in English was that I would have love, power and a strong mind. When I turned to see it was her, my heart was filled with affection for her, because I am on her team, so she must have come right down to her teammate to pray. But I was unable to tell her why I was there, as I was too shy to turn around, so when she was done, so I kept waiting.

Then another dear lady came down, someone I have often said hello to, and she said she knew that I was wanting to be used by the Lord completely, the whole of myself, to the hilt. And I said, yes, and spread out my hands, because that’s true. I told her why I was there and she said could she pray for me and I said I would love that very much.

Afterward, I was crying out to Jesus, with my hand lifted and my whole heart open before Him and there at the altar, I cried aloud, “I love You, I honor You, I fear You, I worship You, I serve You!” I was filled with gratitude and affection for my sister in Christ and hugged her and went on waiting at the altar, though I wasn’t sure if I should go back, but I went on worshiping the Lord, who was very close and filling the atmosphere.

The man who had given the sermon was praying near me for a long time for a lady who was sobbing and then sobbing from relief and it was filling me with joy that Jesus was healing hearts, healing hearts and soothing them right next to me! He was doing His sacred work right next to me. I was sometimes laughing for joy because of that and worshiping Jesus for gratitude for His coming and doing that lovely work.

Then the evangelist came to me and I felt the change in the spiritual atmosphere, like a peaceful listening pause, almost like someone gently calling that they were there, and quietly waiting for a response. And my spirit said without words, please come, in a gracious way, acknowledging his spiritual authority, so he came closer and put his fingers on my head. I was standing with my hands uplifted and my head bowed down.

As soon as he put his hands on my head, he cried out, “Oh Lord! Oh my Lord!” in this wondrous way, and I felt the anointing over me increase greatly and I knew in my spirit that he saw something about me in a spiritual way that had to do with my being with Jesus and belonging to Him and the way He is working within and through me. I acknowledged this work as well, without words, because in that moment, I perceived myself to be standing in and surrounded by pure light, and I knew I belonged to Jesus.

He asked for the Lord to touch me, and I waited, breathless. Jesus did not speak, what happened was that waves of the Holy Spirit came rolling or falling or gathering over me or in me. It’s difficult to describe it, because I did not have a vision of Jesus or hear His voice, but I was caught up in this deepening atmosphere of God. I was laughing and sobbing from joy and relief.

Everything was clear and full of light. I could not see anything behind my closed eyes, but I was aware that I was right before my Lord Jesus Christ on the throne and of course, with this understanding came the intense joy that I may worship Him and tell Him all that is in my heart toward Him, to declare it before Him and before my family while in this present world. To do this in the present world is the best part.

I cried out, “Lord Jesus Christ, I love you! I worship You, precious Lord Jesus!” And then I was laughing for the joy of His presence and once more the wave of His presence came over me, opening my heart and I cried out to Him, “I can’t wait to see Your face!” Then the feeling quietly subsided and I was worshiping Jesus in the usual quiet way.

“Receive it!” I cried to Jesus in the afternoon, when I was with Him again, because afterward the prayer leader had said that my face had been glowing. “Receive it! You must have it, You should have it, You should have every drop, every ounce of glory from Your work in my life, because You have worked in me in long suffering, in patient love over this long time, forgiving me and bearing with me, and where You work, You receive! You must have a result from Your work! Have it all!”

March 26, 2017

When I sat down, I went right to Jesus, as easily as turning toward Him. Then I was filled with images of Him. I saw Jesus in the inner place, His face suffused with gentleness and love, with His dove’s eyes, and I saw Him walking about Galilea, saying, “Repent and believe the Good News, for the Kingdom of God is here,” and I saw Him in Nazareth, helping to put the white surface coat over the stones of a new room added onto Joseph’s house, for one of His younger brothers who was to be married, and bringing his wife home.

There was a lot of good humored, clean joking and merriment, which Jesus could join into with His pure heart, without jealousy, able to feel joy for His half-brother, but I saw His eyes, His eyes without depth, full of gentle love, patience and long suffering and peace. Because He was growing older and others were marrying and having children and He wasn't, and that was peculiar and Yeshua had a long hard and lonely road ahead of Him.

“In My Father’s house there are many rooms,” Jesus had said to His disciples, much later, “and I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go, then I will return to bring you to Me, that you might be where I am.” Jesus would be bringing His beloved home as well.

I saw Him leaving Nazareth to be baptized by John. I saw again how peculiar it would be for Yeshua the carpenter, Yeshua of Nazareth, to come back from that journey and suddenly be publically proclaiming the imminent in breaking of Kingdom of God. Who was He to proclaim the coming of Kingdom of God, the redemption of Israel, the rule of God Himself? What on earth had put that into His head?

“I’m hunting down all Your secrets,” I told Jesus with loving humor when I was seeing Him and with Him in the golden nest of peace.

You’re close, very close, Jesus answered smiling, letting me have a taste, or more like almost a scent, of His actual, historical life on earth- the taste and glimpse and feel and scent and sound of His own memories. The faintest scent of it causes my heart to melt in wonder and to be drawn to Jesus, who truly lives in me, and has given Himself to me so that I can be with Him forever.

I thought of church with anxiety, was reminded of the anxiety so that I could let go of it into the will of the Holy Spirit, who is perfectly capable and knows exactly what He is doing, which I did with relief and I saw the Holy Spirit bend down in love and look at me. The Holy Spirit had beautiful wings, long and graceful and effortless, and He hovered close to me, to smile into my face and then departed.

April 3, 2017

In church, I was too tired from the spiritual battle beforehand to do much more than sit. I was sitting in a quietness. I hadn’t gone through the spiritual battle very well until the end, and it drained me emotionally and physically, but I knew that when this happens, Jesus will fill me with His spiritual strength, because it’s when I’m weak that His strength is made perfect. Very often I am emptied out through trial- emptied of pride, of strength, of myself in general, before a spiritual experience.

During prayer, I don’t know how I began it, but I came close to Jesus and rested right in His arms, as I normally do in my usual devotional time with Him. This caused an increase of the anointing, such that when the Pastor was praying, my forehead was burning hot and I thought I was going to pass out.

I saw four angels suddenly move from the center to the four corners of the room, all of them holding the corners of a sheet. In one swift, seamless movement, they moved and lifted the sheet and tightened it. I was almost expecting to hear the snap of it, like a sheet on a clothesline in the wind. I had never seen that before, and Jesus told me to tell the prayer team leader, so after prayer, I went to her, but first I had to hug her, because I was filled with warm affection for her. Then I told her, and as I was telling her, I felt the anointing fall down heavy on me, so that even the words were not spoken in my regular voice, but almost in a rhythm. When I looked up, she was leaning back, looking at me with this expression that is hard to describe. It wasn’t alarm, but it was something akin to it. It was like alert surprise. I told her that I didn’t know what it meant and that I was giving it to her.

“Thank you for telling me, there’s definitely something there,” she affirmed, and I could feel the anointing on her as spoke. “I will pray about that."

I went back to my seat in peaceful gratitude and wonder. The Lord has been pouring confirmation after confirmation in my lap, far more immediate and strong than ever He has given me before. It must be because He is going to increase my load of service. When Jesus increases my faith, it's so that He can then leads me into service that requires every bit of the increase in order to be obedient.

During worship time, I continued to rest right in Jesus’ arms, and to sing the lyrics to Him face to face. Before this on Sundays, I had been singing the lyrics to Him on the throne, so I was sending them up a ways- not too far, because the throne seems to be right over the church, but still, a distance.

But yesterday, I was singing the lyrics face to face with Jesus, or right into His ear, and I was dancing in His arms- not a fancy dance, but just swaying back and forth and delighting in Him, and delighting in the fact that I could say all those words and phrases of love to Him aloud, and that He was being loved by the whole church and the love was rising up to Him in swells and sweet swirls.

After recording this, spend the whole rest of this whole time drowning in love with Jesus. As a result of the obedience of posting that blog and the church service, both the worship and the vision that was received, my faith has been lifted up and set on yet a higher place, and this means that my ability to offer my whole, unguarded heart to the Lord, and to receive Him in love, has increased in capacity and ease, and I have been drenched in love like honey, like golden, warm light. There is nothing, there is nothing, there is nothing so wonderful, holy or marvelous as the privilege to love on the Lord Jesus Christ. There is nothing better in life or in heaven, and there is no higher purpose and there is nothing more sacred, than to love the Son of God. I still can’t love Him as He deserves, because my flesh and soul run out of strength. What Jesus deserves is an infinite amount of love, ceaselessly given. This must be what happens through the whole church, in heaven.’

The music stopped and we looked at each other in wordless love and tender amusement.

“That’s forever,” I said, meaning of the love that we had just been drowning in as though I were with Jesus and seeing Him for the first time past the threshold of my mortal life.

Forever, Jesus agreed. Now, go get some coffee.

Oh, He is so delightful! So delightful.

April 25, 2017

Each time I wake up these days, I have to fight this feeling of faithlessness- this feeling that Jesus is far from me, that it would be impossible for Him to wish to have any sort of fellowship with me, let alone a kind of unceasing, living connection between us. I have to insist to myself that Jesus Christ is not far from me, but He is close and that He will never leave nor forsake me, and that He has made His dwelling in my heart.

This morning, when I insisted on this, He gave me images to confirm, and I saw Jesus close to me, bending down toward me, His face full of love. And when I pulled out the small frying pan to cook the same egg sandwich breakfast which I always cook at five in the morning, when a feeling of dreariness and some dull anxiety about the day ahead had filled my impressions in an unconscious way, which had absolutely no good reason to exist, when I was sort of sitting in these feelings for a moment or two unaware, the Holy Spirit lifted my thoughts up and made me aware, so that I could immediately change course and begin to be thankful for my life and the peace and provision and beauty of it, and to thank Jesus ahead of time for the day, which will be beautiful.

“Your words are my bone structure and all Your words are meaningful to me. Lord, You do all things well,” I said in complete submission.

Thinking of how much more intense and full the fellowship with Jesus will be, when I can pass through all the way.

Jenny, I want you with Me, Jesus said, as I thought this. I saw His face looking at me with longing. I haven’t heard Him say such a thing for a long while, because for years, I’ve been learning contentment and service in this life, and learning to find all my delight, joy and surrender in my fellowship with Jesus through His Holy Spirit. But I remembered Him saying such things intensely at the first.

I bent down to kiss His feet, which made me remember during the church service, at the end, at the alter call, the call was extended. The presence of Jesus was all through the room, and I was pouring out humble gratitude to Jesus for answering our prayers, and I was holding onto to both His scarred feet with my arms and laying my cheek on the backs of His feet, holding on to Him in love and insisted that He not leave until each heart that needed healing or a touch from Him should receive it.

The sweet sentimentality of the music jarred for a moment on my senses, but I pushed that aside immediately. In His arms, I will melt down into pure sentiment shamelessly, and make no place for prideful reservation of taste in music- which is only right!

“I don’t care, I’m not too proud,” I insisted.

Neither am I.

“I worship You, Lord, I worship You!” I whispered, ducking my head onto His shoulder to hide from His face, though He was smiling at me, as I remembered how masterfully and courageously He had dealt with the Pharisees. He had cut down through swift and complete with His words. His authority is final.

I was too shy to look at Him, ducking my head against His chest, but He bent His head down, tilted to the side a little, and looked at me with one eye open and one eye shut, in this tender and playful way, so I sat up and looked at Him and awe went over me again and He burst out laughing for joy.  I sat back in awe just to look at Jesus laughing without reserve that way.

Holding Himself so still, letting my eyes search His face. Hello, Jenny, He said softly.

April 26, 2017

Saw stairs, saw my foot on the lowest step, but I rejected that.

“I listen,” I said to Jesus wearily.

Come here, child, He said tenderly.

Being with Jesus does not always end in ecstasy, because Jesus is concerned more about my wellbeing than His joy, so even though He misses out on this as well, He would rather my faith deepen and that I reach spiritual maturity, and this requires times of learning steadfastness and perseverance.

I was making the lunch this morning, and for some reason remembering this movie where both actors ended up married, in a tiny NY city apartment and working in a high rise on high powered business deals, and that was their dream- she stood in the office with windows, a grey box with a metal desk and a telephone and that was her dream! That was the dream of those in the eighties, when the genders were battling over power and money and prestige and divorces were rampant.

The feeling of that era washed over me in this towering wave of crushing weight, almost leaving me paralyzed in dreariness of grey and beige and money and arguments and pride and gender wars, and the helplessness of being a child in that time, watching, not understanding. I had to call out to Jesus almost in fear, and He was beside me, His arm around my shoulders, bending down to me, and the feeling evaporated, Jesus making me aware that I was taking grapes off the vine for the lunch and reminding me of Eden and of Heaven- beauty so great that really, I have yet to even taste a hint of it. That’s what Jesus said to me, that the beauty of Heaven is rich and real, full of color, life, texture, taste. It has wholeness, beauty, innocence and true power. It’s real and fresh like the grapes, only more so.

“The Kingdom is Yours, and You know how to feed each and every plant,” I said to Jesus, this truth carrying a lot of peace. Jesus really is the head of His church and He knows what each member needs to know from Him and to receive from Him and He takes good and perfect care of each one.

Was listening to some lovely piano music and thinking of how much that style of music is a part of my childhood and evokes soothing emotions and memories, and said to Jesus, “Isn’t that lovely? and He agreed it was. Then I realized that He would say the same thing of drums and native music, if one shared it with Him. Then I realized that it wasn’t so much the music itself, as the sharing of the self, heart to heart. That is, each person invites Jesus into the memories, into the unique taste and feeling and being of themselves, their personness, and that is what Jesus delights in and cherishes- that communion between who we are and who He is, that we care share with no one else at that level. That indwelling and intimate sharing of all that we are is what Jesus longs for.

“Here I am,” I said to Jesus, opening the arms of my spirit and presenting myself as I am, and becoming aware of myself in this historical sense- in this era, amid massive dark threats, looming, tainted atmospheres, chaotic and violent, everything over crowded with senseless noise, ugly contrivances and conveniences that take away joy of real life, and yet despite all this, small, pure pleasures like the piano music, the small hidden path of my life with inward light and clear air. I felt all this, and I felt the intensity of Jesus’ love and tenderness toward me, how I am gathered up in Him and kept safe in Him and how He is with me.

The Holy Spirit prompted me to write all this down, but I almost didn’t, and instead, got caught up in distracting, argumentative, willful thoughts. I was on the cusp of losing the insight entirely, when I became aware of this, and confessed my sin and asked humbly if the Lord could remind me of the lovely thing that I had just been pondering, and He did! He is so gracious.