We are
approaching Easter. In fact, it is Good Friday and Jesus is already on the
cross. He held me close in His arms this early morning, when I went back to
bed. I rested and soaked in my Lord Jesus, because I knew I would be facing a
difficult path through these next few days. I have already taken the first step
by posting the Good Friday blog. I was in intercessory prayer when Jesus showed
me how to arrange my blogs for this weekend, and He has since confirmed it, so
there is no doubt, only obedience. I recognize that I am destroying my
reputation, what had remained of it, but that can’t matter, because when Jesus calls me to obedience, building or
protecting my reputation is not any kind of goal of mine.
I continue
to walk through the trial that was suddenly brought on by the necessity of my
having no lie on my conscience in order that I might pray effectively. This
would be necessary at any time, but it is crucial now that I am on the intercessory prayer team. I have already learned a hard lesson on it, and I
promised the Lord I would never have to learn it again. Dealing with the
results of keeping my word to Him has been one of the worst trials that I have
walked through, with potentially devastating consequences.
I am able
to put aside anger and resentment by
reminding myself that I should do all things as though for the Lord, and to
accept the humbling and to repent from the times when I was careless and to be
consciously grateful for this beautiful life that I get to live.
So I am
under a fair amount of pressure, but the Lord is upholding me and He told me
this morning as I was washing dishes that I am participating with Him in the
loss of reputation and humbling and appearance of helplessness that He bore on
the cross. I get to know the Lord Jesus and the fellowship of His sufferings.
It made me laugh for joy at sharing this for Him, and because of the loving, tender
way in which He revealed this to me, which was perfectly obvious once He
pointed it out.
April 17,
2017
Again,
must deal with a lot of chaos and anger in a way that honors the Lord; I rely
on Him at all times to keep me on the straight and narrow path of keeping His
words. The temptation to look away and step away from them is severe, and I must repent each time. This happens hour by hour. My life is like a stormy sea and I have nothing there to rely on. I
don’t know what my future will hold or what inestimably precious thing might lose, but I must be willing
at all times to act out of self-sacrificing love and trust the sovereign Lord
for the outcome. But I’m realizing that the Lord is using this to teach me to
rely on Him alone, so that I can walk by His power and care over the stormy
sea.
From
phone:
“Ah, Lord,”
I sighed, sinking into pleasure and relief at finding myself with Him at last,
the One I kept walking toward all day long.
Jenny, I love you so much, He said in that quiet, certain
voice.
April 24,
2017
Went to be
with Jesus, moved through a barrage of disturbing images and then a whole line
of potentially distracting thoughts about things I should do or should be doing
or have forgotten to do. Rejected the images and cast the thoughts all aside
after just a moment and passed through to Jesus, then wrote this down.
“Lord!”
You do so well, He comforted me.
Doubted
this and then doubted Him because He said this, and then remembered that I
must trust Jesus to be able to communicate Himself to me truly, because He is
God and He is faithful and true.
“The
foundational faith,” I said to Jesus, returning to Him.
You do so well, Jesus repeated, with greater
emphasis.
At church,
the last song they sang for the worship part was a newer version of, “It is
well with my soul.” I was in tears at the beginning of the song, because of the
truth of it, and everything that I have been living through that week, one of
the worst weeks. And yet, I could say, “It is well with my soul,” because of
Jesus. I sang it for His glory, spreading my arms wide,
tipping my face up and singing right up to Him- “Look, look, I declare, I
declare to You and for You and before heaven and here in the world, that even
with all this, because of You, Lord Jesus, it is well with my soul!”
I thought
of the abuse and all the pain of my childhood and each time, I opened my arms in
triumphant joy, singing out, “It is well, it is well, it is well with my soul!”
While inwardly I was saying, “Because of You, because of You, because of You,
receive the glory!”
Been
resting in the rhythm of His breathing- Jesus is so very alive, so very human.
His chest rises and falls with His peaceful breathing.
I love to have you here, He told me, when I was thinking that
to be always held within His living breath was the highest reward possible.
May 8,
2017
“Lord, I’m
making up a story (about what happens and what it means)” I confessed, opening
my whole self-gratifying dialogue and my heart to Him in confession, as soon as I
realized I was doing this, saw a glimpse of the throne of Heaven and the whole
silly smallness of this story, as well as my guilt, dissolved with one breath
of Heaven, which is pure and beautiful, righteous and far above anything I
could grasp or comprehend.
“The fear
of the Lord is clean, enduring forever,” I said with relief.
“I want to
be right with You,” I confessed to Jesus with relief, my arms around Him, heart
to heart, having finally found the right words. I want to be in right alignment
with Him and His will and His words. I want everything in me to line up with
Him, and for that to happen now, so that it won’t be a shocking adjustment later,when I see Him face to face. I want the conversation now.
“Ah, there is nothing to be afraid of,” I said in profound relief, seeing the shoulder of Jesus as I rested with Him. When one is at His heart, there is nothing more to be afraid of.
“Ah, there is nothing to be afraid of,” I said in profound relief, seeing the shoulder of Jesus as I rested with Him. When one is at His heart, there is nothing more to be afraid of.
Saw how
Jesus would open a way through all the bewildering perplexities of His church,
through what is eternal and what is temporal, through what is earthly and what
is of Heaven, because Jesus knows this perfectly, completely, and I need not
try to figure this out myself, just trust my Good Shepherd and look always to
Him and follow right on His heels.
I am His
little one and I cannot care for myself, the sheep needs the Shepherd or they
will certainly die. That’s the way it’s meant to be, to rely on Jesus for
everything, confidently, constantly. There is no shame in that. It’s the
blueprint of Heaven. That’s the way the Lord Jesus Christ was with His Abba
when He was on earth- listening like a disciple, doing only what He saw His
Daddy doing, saying only what His Daddy told Him to say, doing only Abba’s
will.
Saw how
Jesus has been refining me until I am willing to be
a fool for His sake and can love and serve Him with abandon in the presence of
intense negativity and rejection, and that is just the way Jesus Himself walked the earth
and the way in which He operated- pouring out worship and mercy and truth in
front of the most withering criticism, rejection and hatred.
Jesus was
holding me tight in His arms and pouring love over me in a continuous, enveloping stream as I was realizing this work of His in me, and how beautifully it follows
His own pattern, and how glad I am that He has done this work in me, so that I
can pour out love and adoration from my heart in joyful vulnerability, even in harsh environments.
May 10,
2017
“No
distortion, only Jesus Christ, who came bringing grace and truth, and grace
upon grace, from Whom we have all received grace,” I said. His face was very
close to mine, I could see the light caught in His eye lashes, and the
expression of luminous contentment on His face.
Was caught
up in sweet communion, being for long, timeless moments without distraction and
only in His presence, when was distracted by a sudden distortion of what I was seeing.
“I’m going
to just come right back to You, as an act of trust,” I stated, stubbornly-
without trying to understand everything and how it works and why, but simply
because the Lord Jesus Christ is faithful and true and I can trust Him with all
of myself, all the time, no matter what. It’s never what I see first, it’s
always Who He is.
Come here, Jenny, Jesus assured me.
“To grow
my faith in Him,” I realized, which is why sometimes those things happen, when
I was resting deeply with Jesus, at the very end of my life and looking back
and realizing this was why.
Saw His
face with beauty and clarity, with reverent love held Him in my
arms, kissed His cheekbones, His forehead, love endlessly flowing to Him
from me and from Him to me, and was looking right into His eyes of depthless
peace and fullness of love for long moments until I realized I was, and looked
down, smiling to realize that I had been.
“Lord,
here I am, such as I am,” I said, returning to Him after writing the above, and
being distracted for some time, and Jesus opened His arms to me. He is
endlessly patient with me!
It’s worth it, Jesus said, as I was finishing that
last sentence. Praise God, He feels His patience is well rewarded! May it be
so! May the Lord be richly rewarded for all His patience toward us.
This
Friday I am beginning the next two days of backstory, through which I die to myself further. I was realizing that over and over again,
through my blog posting, I die to myself two weeks but on the third week,
that’s the current testimony, the Lord receives the glory of His work in my life, when the fruit is shown.
Filled
with some pressing anxiety to wrap up this hour and begin work on the blog
itself, because it’s already Wednesday and I haven’t started to edit it for
posting yet, but as an act of trust, forced that down, and rested and said,
“Lord, I listen.” Then I paused to write this down.
Come here, Jesus said, as soon as I stopped.
“Yes,
Lord.”
Drawn
right back, laughing, into love.
“Thy will
be done, Thy will be done, Thy will be done, even through me!” I cried, lifting my hands in helplessness before
His grace and glory, and I was drawn back into Jesus arms of strength, and into
His outpouring of love and confidence. There is no
doubt in His face, only certainty and love.
It will achieve its purpose and will
be full of glory,
Jesus said, when my thoughts fell on a certain part of the upcoming back story. Little of that has ever been shared before.
May 14,
2017
Sunk down
into sweet, deep love, saturated in love. “Do You know why I love to come to
You?” I asked Jesus dreamily, His face radiant with peace and love. It makes Him beautiful. He answered without words, to the effect that
certainly He knew, but that He would like
me to tell Him, because I would like to say it.
“Because I
can suspend myself in Your authority and cease to carry any worry at all that I
might be doing or planning the wrong thing, but may release every bit of that
weight and present myself entirely to You and have no fear and no worry and
know that You know completely all that I am doing and that it is all Yours, to
do with all You like. That is what I love,” I confessed, because it is a huge
weight off me, sometimes, especially now, when I am preparing two such blogs as
the next two.
July 24,
2017
Walked
into a wall of warfare yesterday morning which still has yet to settle and only got rapidly worse on almost every front, and
came out of nowhere. I feel like I am reaching crisis point.
Jesus, I
have been trusting You with this all along, but now it is happening. How can I endure to watch this?
He just
told me to turn over my calendar page and this is what is there:
“All of
Your works will thank You, Lord, and Your faithful followers will bless You.
They will talk together about the glory of Your Kingdom; they will celebrate
examples of Your power.”
-Psalm
145:10-11
Dear Lord
Jesus, heal my soul, it is full of anger right now. Don’t let me make a misstep. Bless and do not curse. Overcome evil with good. The Lord is a strong tower, the Lord Jesus is a strong tower for me. I will run to Him and be safe.
From the phone that evening:
When You
allow these things, it's for my training! I thank You for the training! I love
to go to war for You! I love Your training! I love to be stronger, faster,
sharper, more resilient for Your glory! I thank You for it! I love to advance
Your Kingdom, to push back the darkness, to take ground for You! You train my
hands for war and my fingers for battle.
July 26,
2017
Yesterday
on my calendar is written “closed on house,” and the verse is: “The LORD is
like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him,
for he understands how weak we are.” Psalm 101:13-14 NLT
Today was
written: “first day in new house” and the verse was: “This is my happy way of
life: obeying Your commands.” Psalm 119:56 NLT
That was
last year on those days. This year, yesterday was the day when my entire life
as I know almost was scattered to the winds and I almost failed to obey, except that the Lord brought
wisdom at the last moment, and He gave me strength. Today is the day I begin to walk it out. My heart is battered and I still have surges of anger, but the Holy Spirit will help me in
such a way that the anger passes through and does no permanent damage.
And Jesus
was a torrent of love and affection when I came to Him, calling me His one, His
precious one, His own, and that I pleased Him, I pleased Him so much. I’ve been
resting with Jesus, and I know that in the light of eternity, this decision
will be the right one. That’s the only thing that matters.
July 26, 2017
I've been realizing in a fresh way how much the Lord has prepared me to walk through something like this, where we appear to lose everything we were just on the verge of gaining- I thought I was in exactly the right place doing just what the Lord created me to do, the place where my family would grow in the Lord, and then suddenly to have it be lost, to be laid on the alter. But the Holy Spirit has given me many ways of understanding this situation, and Jesus has already given me a kind of training that leads me to this understanding- that is, that the Lord is in control at all times and that He never loses. If He sometimes appears to lose, it is because He is looking forward to the resurrection power that will come at the end of the initial, painful loss or failure.
He has taught me to operate out of the highest level of understanding His sovereign goodness- that Jesus always knows what He is doing and is always doing something good or bringing something good of it and so we can thank God at all times and in all things through the Lord Jesus Christ, because He has the last word and the last word is good.
I heard that the new church used to have an intercessory prayer team, but now they don't have one. I think the Lord must have allowed me, in this process, to be moved to this church almost like a piece on a chess board.
September 13, 2017
July 26, 2017
I've been realizing in a fresh way how much the Lord has prepared me to walk through something like this, where we appear to lose everything we were just on the verge of gaining- I thought I was in exactly the right place doing just what the Lord created me to do, the place where my family would grow in the Lord, and then suddenly to have it be lost, to be laid on the alter. But the Holy Spirit has given me many ways of understanding this situation, and Jesus has already given me a kind of training that leads me to this understanding- that is, that the Lord is in control at all times and that He never loses. If He sometimes appears to lose, it is because He is looking forward to the resurrection power that will come at the end of the initial, painful loss or failure.
He has taught me to operate out of the highest level of understanding His sovereign goodness- that Jesus always knows what He is doing and is always doing something good or bringing something good of it and so we can thank God at all times and in all things through the Lord Jesus Christ, because He has the last word and the last word is good.
I heard that the new church used to have an intercessory prayer team, but now they don't have one. I think the Lord must have allowed me, in this process, to be moved to this church almost like a piece on a chess board.
September 13, 2017
You’re doing well, Jesus told me as I was putting things
away in the kitchen, bombarded as usual with feelings of doubt about
everything, particularly Him, and fixing my eyes instead on gratitude and
trust.
“You
always say that!” I groaned. “How can I be doing well? Why wouldn’t You give
some constructive criticism, like, “Jenny, these doubts are unacceptable in the
light of everything I’ve done for you and given you and I expect more from you
than this?”
But Jesus
did not answer this query of mine, or comment on my suggested bit of dialogue
for Him.
“Lord,
here I am,” I said ruefully, and Jesus lifted my head with His hand under my
chin. He was smiling. I should be used to His grace by now, but I’m not. I still
find it shocking.
Yesterday
my prayer partner and I prayed for the second time at the new church. The pastor is allowing us to pray there, even in our personal prayer language, although this is not something this denomination generally recognizes or operates in.
"Prayer is prayer," he said, with twinkling eyes, when I thanked him for this, and for the privilege of praying for his church. I felt the anointing on the Holy Spirit more strongly on him than on any other person in recent memory.
After the first trial and then the second and worst trial, it was tempting to think that, along with receiving many deep wounds that the Lord has been faithful to heal, I had lost an important assignment, that something precious had been stolen from me before its time.
"Prayer is prayer," he said, with twinkling eyes, when I thanked him for this, and for the privilege of praying for his church. I felt the anointing on the Holy Spirit more strongly on him than on any other person in recent memory.
After the first trial and then the second and worst trial, it was tempting to think that, along with receiving many deep wounds that the Lord has been faithful to heal, I had lost an important assignment, that something precious had been stolen from me before its time.
But I
didn’t lose the assignment. What happened was that once, I prayed for one
church. Now in the company of my prayer partners, we pray for two. Once,
I had one prayer partner, now I have three. Once I was praying under my voice. Now I place myself before the Holy Spirit and give myself over to Him without reserve, and I am not afraid to speak the truth aloud.
Jesus had
given me the phrase, “the lucky one,” and that is what I had been telling
myself and how I had been orienting my thoughts all morning, and I brought it
into the prayer by thanking Jesus for all He had done and stating that we were
the lucky ones because of Him and His love and His salvation and His
companionship. The anointing fell down strong on us both as we praised Him and
thanked Him.
My prayer
partner spent a long time praying for me and my family, which made me cry, to
be receiving so much love. These are not ordinary prayers- they are huge
outpouring of the Holy Spirit, rich with declarations of truth and warfare and
praise. To be on the receiving end of such prayers is a gift of great love.
So I
must record that the Lord Jesus has been doing a lot of work on my prayers,
mostly through these strong women of the Lord that I’ve been praying with. I’ve
learned a great deal, and I have lost a great deal of fear. Now, sometimes when
we are praying, the Holy Spirit fills me with the truth of who the Lord Jesus
is, what He does and His power and His love, and I must speak it aloud. I am filled with a unstoppable joy in my Lord, and a burning anger against any lie that exalts itself against Jesus, because it is crystal
clear to me in that moment that speaking the truth of Jesus glorifies Him and I
have a fierce desire for Him to be glorified. I want His glory and truth
revealed and manifested here, because it is just as true here as it is in
Heaven, and I want it to be seen for His sake. He is worthy, and a lie has no power in the face of the truth.
So what
that does is that it makes me like a weapon, but this has nothing to do
with flesh and blood, and not very much to do with me either, except that I
belong to the Lord- I am His bondservant. I know His words and I know He is
faithful and true. I am not afraid during these times. I am aware that I am
standing as much in the spiritual realm as the physical. I know that the
name of Jesus resounds throughout the spiritual realm, and I know that His
name is above every name and that I am called by His name, bought by His blood
and a member of His living Body and I know the words and truth of my Lord. So I can and do speak right into the spiritual realm, declaring that the words of the Lord are true and effective and everything must bow
to the Lord Jesus’ authority, because He is the King of kings and the Lord of
lords.
I do that
when the Holy Spirit fills me up with this knowledge. It lights up in me, and
it’s almost difficult for me not to pray at those times. I don’t go into
prayer like that at just any time, or carelessly. I listen very much to the Holy
Spirit, and afterward, I fall on my face before the Lord, usually physically as
well as spiritually, and I fully acknowledge I am His servant, that I
belong wholly to Him, that He has all the power, all the glory and the Kingdom
belongs to Him, and that all the victory belongs to the Lord Jesus, and He is
the worthy One.
“Lord
Jesus, forgive me my doubt. If You say I am doing well, then I am doing well,”
I said humbly, putting my head down on the desk to focus on Him, and I felt Him
drawn a blanket lovingly around my shoulders, tucking me in cozily.
In His
arms, breathed in that first scent of His living self, causing all my anxiety
to melt out of me immediately, leaving me limp and my head aching from the
sudden release. Jesus put His hand over my head. “You know all my thoughts,
heal and hold all my thoughts,” I said in relief, because that’s what Jesus was
doing.
“You take
very good care of Your Body,” I said confidently, putting my head back down
again.
Yes, I do, Jesus said, with perfect confidence.
I was
thinking about those intense prayers, and how sometimes I am maybe not using
the exact right wording, but the Lord knows my motivation and intent.
I have searched your heart and know
you, He assured me.
September
18, 2017
Yesterday
my prayer partner and I went early to the first church to pray- it was our first day
of doing that. My prayer partner had gotten the insight that there was a plan to put a stop to the spiritual birth that the Lord was bringing forth. This is metaphorical language that describes the will of the Lord being put in place and motion.
But we know that the Lord's plans always come to fruition, and that He is the Prince of Life and His will is done. We know what it written in His word; that which the Lord brings forth is caught up to Him, no matter what stands against it, because His word is unshakeable. To be fully confident in the goodness and authority of the Lord Jesus brings Him honor, and all honor is due Him. So we rejoiced in that and that no weapon formed against us can prosper. Then I was reading from Ephesians.
As this was happening, the lights right above us came on. I hadn't even realized that they had been off. When we came in the room, we flicked the switch and we assumed all of them had come on until the moment when they truly had. It was a lot more light than we'd had before.
But we know that the Lord's plans always come to fruition, and that He is the Prince of Life and His will is done. We know what it written in His word; that which the Lord brings forth is caught up to Him, no matter what stands against it, because His word is unshakeable. To be fully confident in the goodness and authority of the Lord Jesus brings Him honor, and all honor is due Him. So we rejoiced in that and that no weapon formed against us can prosper. Then I was reading from Ephesians.
As this was happening, the lights right above us came on. I hadn't even realized that they had been off. When we came in the room, we flicked the switch and we assumed all of them had come on until the moment when they truly had. It was a lot more light than we'd had before.
“The
lights just came on! Did you see that? The lights came on!” I said to my prayer
partner. Her face was glowing and beautiful, any care and fatigue washed away,
leaving nothing but serene happiness.
When we came upstairs and joined the church for the group prayer time, the pastor was reading and directing the church to pray from that same passage in Ephesians.
When we came upstairs and joined the church for the group prayer time, the pastor was reading and directing the church to pray from that same passage in Ephesians.
“Jesus…” I
said, reaching out for Him, after recording the above.
Sweetheart.
Saw Jesus
smiling at me, His face hovering close. Put my cheek against His and closed my
eyes, releasing burden after burden, knowing I was with the One who is my
Savior and my Sovereign.
It’s not
possible to do His work and remain apart from Him, because it’s His own work
that He is doing through one. It’s eye opening to know this by experience. This is no victory but His. There is no righteousness but His. There is no strength but His and there is no authority but His alone.
I had a thought, and then offered it up to Jesus. “That’s for You. That’s obedience,” I said, turning my attention back to Jesus, and giving Him all the
glory for His work. Worry and distraction melted away as I turned to Him.
Doing well, Jesus assured me, as I mutely lifted
my eyes to His for His verdict. He went on- Unless You
want to challenge Me on that.
“No, Lord,
I don’t want to challenge You. Forgive me,” I replied immediately, not a little
awed by Him. “But it
feels like…”
I know what it feels like, Jesus interrupted me firmly, and
that was the end of that.
“Lord,” I
breathed, when I came to Him after recording the above, and fell at His feet
and kissed them.
*
"Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing."
-Psalm 143:10 NLT (September 22)
*
"Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing."
-Psalm 143:10 NLT (September 22)
