Last night, I was with Him and I was so tired and the seeing buckled so frequently and He said, why don’t we rest? I thought, oh my goodness, that sounds so wonderful. I saw Jesus clearly and my love for Him simply overflowed my soul and I had to stop and pull Him into my arms and pour my love into Him.
"I love
You, I love You, I love You," I whispered, putting my head close to His. "I love
You so much."
The stone
rooms were fresh and clean and seemed to be both an over shadowed place, and also lit
with golden light. Again, I saw Jesus clearly - His face is sometimes so
vulnerable lately, open and present, as if I have His whole attention
and He is hiding nothing from me. And gentle- His face is full of gentle, wide
open love- that kind of vulnerability.
Seeing this expression on His face, I was drawn straight and swift to Him- He was smiling then- and I wrapped my arms around Jesus and poured out my
love to Him. We were remembering other times, and the history of love and
presence that is between us.
But the
ecstatic flame of love that is sometimes consuming my heart was not lit- that
intensity of worship was not pouring out of me, and I felt guilty that I did
not have that to offer, and Jesus pointed out that He did not consider me an object or tool that always has the same result, but Jesus knew I was a
person, and that He is in relationship to me as a person, and that He loves me
for who I am and not for what I can do. He loved me for me. He reminded me that
He is my beloved Lord- a beloved Lord is one who is responsible for you always,
and faithfully cares for you on good days and bad, through thick and thin.
This
brought me so much peace. "You are such a good beloved Lord," I told Him
earnestly.
When I
woke up in the morning, I was there in the inner place, which was the first
time that ever happened in the morning. Jesus said I should go outside the
stone rooms to listen to the bird song, so I stepped outside and it was almost
as if the lawn was a rose garden, and I stood there and the birds lit on my
hands and arms. It seemed as if there were lots of birds. I couldn’t hear them
very well, but I could feel how they filled the air.
Today I
read something that said how we can’t ever know God and it triggered a lot of
anxiety in me, which I’m trying to work through.
“I wasn’t
trying to convince anyone that I know God absolutely,” I said to Jesus. “Just
that I know You relationally...”
People misunderstood me all the time, Jesus said.
"Yes,
sweetheart, that is true," I said, because it is true and He’s said that before
to me, when I’ve felt this anxiety and like I wasn't fitting in.
May 4, 2013 Journal
May 4, 2013 Journal
Went to
bed last night utterly exhausted. With the inner seeing, everything was
jumbled. It's becoming more clear that it’s the tumult of conflicting emotions and thoughts that causes the seeing to buckle.
Which is why being present in the moment- being honest about everything that I
am feeling, especially the fears, anxieties, griefs, guilt, shame and
misunderstandings, is what, eventually, deepens and clarifies the seeing- but first of
course, it causes a great deal to come up. It must
come up first, and handed over to Jesus fully before moving forward, which is a
process that requires honesty and trust.
Last
night, I was in this process very much. In the brief moments when I could see,
I knew He was close to me. In one snatch, it was as though Jesus were rubbing my
back, but I couldn’t rest in it because of all the buckling that was moving
through.
Then
finally things settled down and I buried my face in His shoulder and went on breathing, letting the last of the kinks come out, going over some of
the things that had troubled me.
I let
myself sink down into His tender care and love and Jesus bent over close to me and
whispered in my ear, let Me serve you.
And that
was so… it echoed so deeply with wonder and awe, because that is what Jesus
does, at such a deep level and it is something I think most people don’t
understand about Him or reject. But it’s all through His Gospels.
Then I was
thinking of ways of taking authority, being, for example direct, strong and
commanding, completely taking control of the situation. Being that way has its
own kind of value, because after all, things get done. But the language of
authority isn’t one that I understand, so how can I know if someone is speaking
it fluently or not, or if not, in what way not? I could not know.
“I don’t
speak that language,” I said to Jesus.
I speak it, He said with such quiet assurance.
Our faces
were resting close together and I looked at Jesus, at His quiet eyes and His quiet
face, full of peace and gentleness and also certainty. I kept looking
at Jesus with such wonder, letting the truth of what He said sink down in,
thinking about how He has authority over everything and will give it all back
to the Father.
This was a
huge truth and Jesus held it so quietly within Himself, that I could have
rested in it indefinitely and not grasped the edges of it. Furthermore, I
couldn’t wrap my mind around all those bloody images in the Bible and I wanted
to try to understand them; I wanted to see how the quietness of His perfect
language of authority would bring understanding of those passages that had always
terrified me.
“What does
it look like?” I asked Jesus.
You just saw it, He answered quietly and He pulled my
mind right back to His loving service.
I
could not speak. Immediately, from the Gospels, I heard Jesus saying, the greatest among you will be a servant of all. And I saw Jesus taking off His outer clothing and wrapping Himself in a
towel and washing the disciple’s feet and I saw Jesus hanging broken and bleeding
on the cross, the greatest, most humbling service of love He ever gave, which
was also the way in which He triumphed over all His enemies- sickness, suffering,
death.
I took hold of Jesus and put my head in His chest for a moment.
“That is profound,” I acknowledged quietly. “Jesus, that is profound.”
But still, my mind kept moving back to those passages of wrath, wanting to know how this authority is expressed through humble and loving and freely given service.
“But I want to know… I want to see how it’s expressed…” I said, honestly, but unable to put my thoughts into words.
You want to see how I rebuke? Jesus asked quietly.
“No,” I breathed, immediately. “No, I don’t want to see that. That is sacred.”
Even how I rebuke principalities and powers? He asked gently- showing me, as though in His hand, cities and city states, powers that were impersonal.
“No,” I replied, in all honestly and in an overwhelming feeling of the reverential fear of God. (In answering this way, not only was I being honest, but I was thinking specifically of Psalm 131, which I had read early on in this journey with Jesus, and left a strong impression on me.)
I thought very deeply and quietly. I let myself be very still and then the answer came up. “I want You to heal my concept of authority,” I said at last.
Jesus heard and understood the request and we talked no more about it, having come to an understanding. I wondered, in the back of my mind, what I had just gotten myself into by this request, but I trust Him so much now, and I know that I can’t anticipate His teaching. I just have to trust and be in each day.
I just went back and divided up this journal into two sections- the first year or so and then this section. Then I went ahead and read this entire section.
You know, it was in February that my relationship with God went down so deep into love and vision. Now it’s May. So that’s three months.
In three months, I accepted the kind of relationship with God which far exceeded anything I would have dared hope for or expect, and then I grew deeper and more comfortably into that experience.
I went from having to laboriously work through shame and uncertainty in the soft, light frames of perception in my spirit that told me where He was around me, to seeing Him and being with Him in that sacred inner space, with great trust and generosity and adoration, able to wait and listen and look, able to let myself be present to Him and to pour out to Jesus all that love for Him that seems never ending.
I feel that if anyone reads this, they will find me possibly blasphemous, possibly insane, certainly jarringly familiar with God, and probably conclude that I must be caught up in spiritual deception.
It’s very difficult to believe that God longs for a relationship that has similar, though spiritual qualities to those that we long for- authenticity, whole hearted faithfulness, mutual joy to find and to be found, trust, and communion.
It’s difficult to understand how much God longs for and values relationships, but I think that’s why His command is first to love Him with all one’s heart, soul and strength. He used the word love, not obey, because it’s relationship that He wants first. Obedience flows out of the relationship naturally. Obedience is a natural overflow of love.
I’m under the impression that the common conception about God is to think that what God wants is worship expressed at a distance, for the proper time, and then they can continue on with their own lives- even in heaven, this might be the assumed pattern.
I remember thinking this. I remember thinking that maybe we will stop by and see Jesus or He might stop by and see us, but usually, we would be living separately from Him, going about our own lives in our own heavenly mansion, everything just like down here, only perfect and the roads will be gold.
And the funny thing is, that possibly might happen, because God doesn’t force us into a close and closer relationship with Him. He invites and draws with an inexpressible longing and sets our hearts full of desire for truth, beauty and purpose, because they are only found in Him in fullness. But if a person only wants so much of Him, if a person only wants just their own heavenly space at a distance from Him, perhaps that is what they will end up with. But Jesus is so merciful and loving, so closely clued into who we are and what we are ready for and how we’re made and what goes into each of us. He is aware of and tenderly regards it all, and He never stops inviting.
May 6, 2013 Journal
I was too tired to really spend much time with Jesus last night. Anyway, I was there and so tired and felt so guilty for my shortcomings during the difficult day, that I rolled under the couch to hide. Jesus was patient, compassionate and also amused. He seems to never lose His so delicious, so loving good humor.
Eventually I came out from under there and pretended to shake the cobwebs out of my hair. There weren’t any, I just did the gesture as a little joke. Then I leaned against Jesus and immediately He scooped me up and pulled me into my spot, tucked up with Him. We rested there for a while. I was so aware of the very fine weave of His robe.
(The following are segments of Scripture that were copied and pasted here in the journal, because they were beginning to help me understand how and why I was with Jesus:
Ephesians 3:15-21
Numbers 27:15-17 (When I read this, it gave me an insight into what Jesus said in the following Scripture from John- I had always wondered what was the pasture that the sheep were coming and going from? This passage made me think it was His presence.)
John 10:9-10
John 20:17 (This passage used to cause a lot of doubt and anxiety in me, because I wondered how was is possible that I could cling to Jesus as I did, and yet here He is commanding Mary Magdalene not to do so? I worried about this until I realized what now seems perfectly obvious- Jesus has now ascended.)
*
(The rest of this was written on the afternoon of the same day.)
So I was so tired and went to take a nap and as soon as I lay down, I was with Jesus and I was just in awe and in love because I had finished reading all of the Gospel of John and had seen Him there vividly- heartbreakingly clear and my heart and my mind was full of His earthly ministry. I love Jesus so much, so incredibly much.
And so, when I was with Him in the stone rooms, I was so shy and I couldn’t be present in love. Jesus kept inviting me into trust, reminding me that He is trustworthy. I kept putting my cheek against His and breathing, but I had such a hard time wrapping my mind around being in the presence of Jesus, and being able to cling to Him and to worship and adore Him face to face. I didn't see how it was possible that Jesus Christ, Jesus of the Gospels, should love me so much.
Then I leaned away a little and looked at Jesus. His eyes were gentle as doves. He was putting up no defenses, with an open heart full of longing and yet waiting, perfectly still.
And without stopping to think about it, I simply opened my heart to Him and immediately, I was caught up in this tide of love like ecstasy and Jesus was speaking to me, over and over again strongly, commandingly. He was saying,
Aren’t you Mine? Didn’t I create you to be Mine? Don’t you know Me? Haven’t I taught you Myself? Haven’t I suffered for you, bought you, wooed you, won you, brought you to Myself? Aren’t you My beloved? Don’t you love Me? This love is what I want from you, being with Me here is where I want you, this is how I made you, this is what you were made for. I want you to be here with Me, I want you to love me with your whole heart and I want you to receive Mine, I made you for this. This is what you were made for. I taught you to be with Me, I want you to be with Me, you were made to be Mine, you belong to Me.
His voice contained both a ringing authority and a force of possessive, certain love, and all I could do was affirm everything Jesus said- that yes, it was true, it was certainly true. He made is so clear that He did not reserve anything in love. It took a long time for the intensity of that experience to ebb away.
And so wow.
First of all, obviously, Jesus is incredibly invested in our relationship. I mean, wow.
I remembered Jesus pointing out the Song of Songs and saying, this is yours- this is a part of who you are in Me- a part of your identity, inheritance, expression, position.
And so, wow.
He really means that. When Jesus says, this is how you were made, or you were made to be My beloved, or you were made to be Mine, which He frequently does say, He means that. It’s just the truth.
Thinking back, I just remember all the times Jesus said, over and over again, that I was His creation, that He made me, that I was His. He was laying a very strong foundation for reaching this point.
And when Jesus has pursued and then won the love that is His, He does not want that which He has gained to be taken away. He definitely knocks at the door and reaches through, He calls through the lattice, He comes leaping over the mountains, He is saying, show Me your face, let Me hear your voice, I brought you here to the banqueting house and My banner over you is love, how can you walk away from the table? Why are you sitting in the corner? It is so heady, heady stuff to know the longing of God.
(The following is an section of another article I had found on Elijah list and had copied and pasted here in the journal)
“God is trying to get us to lie down and get into our places of rest so He can visit us in the realm of the Spirit. We are always trying to be human "doings" when God has called us to be human beings. God wants us to rest near the ark of His presence so we can hear His voice, experience His intimate love, and see a vision of our future. As we enter into rest, He will find His resting place in us. God inhabits the praises of His people.”
I took hold of Jesus and put my head in His chest for a moment.
“That is profound,” I acknowledged quietly. “Jesus, that is profound.”
But still, my mind kept moving back to those passages of wrath, wanting to know how this authority is expressed through humble and loving and freely given service.
“But I want to know… I want to see how it’s expressed…” I said, honestly, but unable to put my thoughts into words.
You want to see how I rebuke? Jesus asked quietly.
“No,” I breathed, immediately. “No, I don’t want to see that. That is sacred.”
Even how I rebuke principalities and powers? He asked gently- showing me, as though in His hand, cities and city states, powers that were impersonal.
“No,” I replied, in all honestly and in an overwhelming feeling of the reverential fear of God. (In answering this way, not only was I being honest, but I was thinking specifically of Psalm 131, which I had read early on in this journey with Jesus, and left a strong impression on me.)
I thought very deeply and quietly. I let myself be very still and then the answer came up. “I want You to heal my concept of authority,” I said at last.
Jesus heard and understood the request and we talked no more about it, having come to an understanding. I wondered, in the back of my mind, what I had just gotten myself into by this request, but I trust Him so much now, and I know that I can’t anticipate His teaching. I just have to trust and be in each day.
I just went back and divided up this journal into two sections- the first year or so and then this section. Then I went ahead and read this entire section.
You know, it was in February that my relationship with God went down so deep into love and vision. Now it’s May. So that’s three months.
In three months, I accepted the kind of relationship with God which far exceeded anything I would have dared hope for or expect, and then I grew deeper and more comfortably into that experience.
I went from having to laboriously work through shame and uncertainty in the soft, light frames of perception in my spirit that told me where He was around me, to seeing Him and being with Him in that sacred inner space, with great trust and generosity and adoration, able to wait and listen and look, able to let myself be present to Him and to pour out to Jesus all that love for Him that seems never ending.
I feel that if anyone reads this, they will find me possibly blasphemous, possibly insane, certainly jarringly familiar with God, and probably conclude that I must be caught up in spiritual deception.
It’s very difficult to believe that God longs for a relationship that has similar, though spiritual qualities to those that we long for- authenticity, whole hearted faithfulness, mutual joy to find and to be found, trust, and communion.
It’s difficult to understand how much God longs for and values relationships, but I think that’s why His command is first to love Him with all one’s heart, soul and strength. He used the word love, not obey, because it’s relationship that He wants first. Obedience flows out of the relationship naturally. Obedience is a natural overflow of love.
I’m under the impression that the common conception about God is to think that what God wants is worship expressed at a distance, for the proper time, and then they can continue on with their own lives- even in heaven, this might be the assumed pattern.
I remember thinking this. I remember thinking that maybe we will stop by and see Jesus or He might stop by and see us, but usually, we would be living separately from Him, going about our own lives in our own heavenly mansion, everything just like down here, only perfect and the roads will be gold.
And the funny thing is, that possibly might happen, because God doesn’t force us into a close and closer relationship with Him. He invites and draws with an inexpressible longing and sets our hearts full of desire for truth, beauty and purpose, because they are only found in Him in fullness. But if a person only wants so much of Him, if a person only wants just their own heavenly space at a distance from Him, perhaps that is what they will end up with. But Jesus is so merciful and loving, so closely clued into who we are and what we are ready for and how we’re made and what goes into each of us. He is aware of and tenderly regards it all, and He never stops inviting.
May 6, 2013 Journal
I was too tired to really spend much time with Jesus last night. Anyway, I was there and so tired and felt so guilty for my shortcomings during the difficult day, that I rolled under the couch to hide. Jesus was patient, compassionate and also amused. He seems to never lose His so delicious, so loving good humor.
Eventually I came out from under there and pretended to shake the cobwebs out of my hair. There weren’t any, I just did the gesture as a little joke. Then I leaned against Jesus and immediately He scooped me up and pulled me into my spot, tucked up with Him. We rested there for a while. I was so aware of the very fine weave of His robe.
(The following are segments of Scripture that were copied and pasted here in the journal, because they were beginning to help me understand how and why I was with Jesus:
Ephesians 3:15-21
Numbers 27:15-17 (When I read this, it gave me an insight into what Jesus said in the following Scripture from John- I had always wondered what was the pasture that the sheep were coming and going from? This passage made me think it was His presence.)
John 10:9-10
John 20:17 (This passage used to cause a lot of doubt and anxiety in me, because I wondered how was is possible that I could cling to Jesus as I did, and yet here He is commanding Mary Magdalene not to do so? I worried about this until I realized what now seems perfectly obvious- Jesus has now ascended.)
*
(The rest of this was written on the afternoon of the same day.)
So I was so tired and went to take a nap and as soon as I lay down, I was with Jesus and I was just in awe and in love because I had finished reading all of the Gospel of John and had seen Him there vividly- heartbreakingly clear and my heart and my mind was full of His earthly ministry. I love Jesus so much, so incredibly much.
And so, when I was with Him in the stone rooms, I was so shy and I couldn’t be present in love. Jesus kept inviting me into trust, reminding me that He is trustworthy. I kept putting my cheek against His and breathing, but I had such a hard time wrapping my mind around being in the presence of Jesus, and being able to cling to Him and to worship and adore Him face to face. I didn't see how it was possible that Jesus Christ, Jesus of the Gospels, should love me so much.
Then I leaned away a little and looked at Jesus. His eyes were gentle as doves. He was putting up no defenses, with an open heart full of longing and yet waiting, perfectly still.
And without stopping to think about it, I simply opened my heart to Him and immediately, I was caught up in this tide of love like ecstasy and Jesus was speaking to me, over and over again strongly, commandingly. He was saying,
Aren’t you Mine? Didn’t I create you to be Mine? Don’t you know Me? Haven’t I taught you Myself? Haven’t I suffered for you, bought you, wooed you, won you, brought you to Myself? Aren’t you My beloved? Don’t you love Me? This love is what I want from you, being with Me here is where I want you, this is how I made you, this is what you were made for. I want you to be here with Me, I want you to love me with your whole heart and I want you to receive Mine, I made you for this. This is what you were made for. I taught you to be with Me, I want you to be with Me, you were made to be Mine, you belong to Me.
His voice contained both a ringing authority and a force of possessive, certain love, and all I could do was affirm everything Jesus said- that yes, it was true, it was certainly true. He made is so clear that He did not reserve anything in love. It took a long time for the intensity of that experience to ebb away.
And so wow.
First of all, obviously, Jesus is incredibly invested in our relationship. I mean, wow.
I remembered Jesus pointing out the Song of Songs and saying, this is yours- this is a part of who you are in Me- a part of your identity, inheritance, expression, position.
And so, wow.
He really means that. When Jesus says, this is how you were made, or you were made to be My beloved, or you were made to be Mine, which He frequently does say, He means that. It’s just the truth.
Thinking back, I just remember all the times Jesus said, over and over again, that I was His creation, that He made me, that I was His. He was laying a very strong foundation for reaching this point.
And when Jesus has pursued and then won the love that is His, He does not want that which He has gained to be taken away. He definitely knocks at the door and reaches through, He calls through the lattice, He comes leaping over the mountains, He is saying, show Me your face, let Me hear your voice, I brought you here to the banqueting house and My banner over you is love, how can you walk away from the table? Why are you sitting in the corner? It is so heady, heady stuff to know the longing of God.
(The following is an section of another article I had found on Elijah list and had copied and pasted here in the journal)
“God is trying to get us to lie down and get into our places of rest so He can visit us in the realm of the Spirit. We are always trying to be human "doings" when God has called us to be human beings. God wants us to rest near the ark of His presence so we can hear His voice, experience His intimate love, and see a vision of our future. As we enter into rest, He will find His resting place in us. God inhabits the praises of His people.”
-Breathitt,
Barbie “The Year of the Seer, the Prophet, Watchman and a New Realm of Vision
and Understanding” Feb. 3, 2010, The Elijah List link
So last night, I just had the best time with Jesus. I was working through everything in a new way. I went back to the very beginning with Him. We were on the couch curled up together, whispering.
I said, "In the beginning, You were God and with God and the only begotten Son, the manifest image of the Father, in His intimate presence." I keep thinking how there is such a connection between Jesus being in that close presence of the Father and how I am in the close presence of Jesus. “And You were the wisdom of God,” I continued.
Yes, He agreed, full of love, reminding me of the passages.
“And You were the glory of God, the outlying radiance,” I continued, musingly. I pondered this mystery for a while.
Yes, He agreed softly.
“And You were the Word- the spoken Word of God,” I said, in wonder, “the Word because You are the full expression of Himself.”
This was very rich, and I pondered it for a while and then I thought about myself.
So last night, I just had the best time with Jesus. I was working through everything in a new way. I went back to the very beginning with Him. We were on the couch curled up together, whispering.
I said, "In the beginning, You were God and with God and the only begotten Son, the manifest image of the Father, in His intimate presence." I keep thinking how there is such a connection between Jesus being in that close presence of the Father and how I am in the close presence of Jesus. “And You were the wisdom of God,” I continued.
Yes, He agreed, full of love, reminding me of the passages.
“And You were the glory of God, the outlying radiance,” I continued, musingly. I pondered this mystery for a while.
Yes, He agreed softly.
“And You were the Word- the spoken Word of God,” I said, in wonder, “the Word because You are the full expression of Himself.”
This was very rich, and I pondered it for a while and then I thought about myself.
“So…” I said softly, my cheek against His. “First I was the Father’s and then He gave me to You…"
But I couldn’t continue; I couldn't pull my thoughts together because my saying this so moved and delighted Jesus. I received His outpouring of love with loving humor and delight and then we settled back down. We went back to Him.
“So then,” I said, “You came down and suffered Yourself to become fully human. And Your name was Jesus.”
That was always My name, He said, so softly. It was as if that was the name that rested always in His heart, waiting for Him to come to His purpose, the secret plan of God and His name, waiting to be spoken aloud.
So that when the angel Gabriel told Mary that was to be His name, it because that was already His name and I remembered what it meant: it means savior.
That caused me to wonder if Jesus had known, all the time, what was going to happen to Him. I thought of how He had prophesied over and over again about the things He would suffer. I thought, if this knowledge came to Him all at once.
“Did You always know, or did it come to You all at once?” I asked Him softly, still lost in thought.
And it seemed that He always knew, the knowledge of who He was and what He was there for- Jesus reminded me that when He was twelve, He was already in the temple, teaching. He knew who His Father was, even then. His Father was always with Him and with the Father, His purpose.
And then it seemed as though I could in fact feel and see the scars across His back as He was with me then. They were so deep, it was excruciating to be aware of them.
“And then You came back,” I whispered to Jesus.
And it was as if I could see that, and it was as though my mind were expanding outward in all these ideas and concepts. I understood that it was as though He came back having made perfect by His sufferings, having been obedient and successful and completely fulfilled all His Father’s purpose in His being sent.
I thought then about all the horrible things that happened to me as an innocent child. And I thought, if I knew that was going to happen, how could I ever find the courage to begin, to accept my life?
As I was remembering this, I felt Jesus’ incredible pain and sorrow cramp up within Him and He said, with such fierce love and grief, I was with you. His pain for me was so great, we felt it together, we turned toward one another and breathed, as though breathing through the pain, and I whispered to Jesus, “You were with me, I was never alone, You were always with me and that’s all over now and I never have to go through it again.” And the pain passed through and away.
“And now I am here with You,” I continued, with surprise. “We have this tender, sweet relationship through the veil of my life here.”
And I am always with you, Jesus assured me, again.
Then my thoughts drifted outward, toward the rest of humanity and the awful pain and suffering that is so prevalent and in thinking of this, I felt His pain- it was some awful pain at this state of affairs which is temporary because everything has not come to the complete fulfillment of its purpose- the entire premise has changed, but all the circumstances have not been visible aligned with the premise.
The pain of this waiting time I could feel was going through Jesus. I don’t know how He can endure this, if He feels it continually. But that continues to be a mystery. All I know is, from time to time, I am aware that He is feeling this. And last night, immediately, I put my arms around Him and whispered comfort to Him.
And Jesus reminded me again, that I was writing something down for others and I said again, "How? Help me. Help me do it."
In the afternoon, I was able to go to Jesus again, and we went out into the orchard- there is an orchard to the side of the stone rooms. It is stone walled and mossy with a stone walk way through the center of it and I’m discovering these things bit by bit as I see more clearly.
I went to the wall to look over and Jesus came and put His arms around me and I leaned back into Him. We rested in the grass under the tree and watched the branches moving against the sky.
.
