The Word That Is Sent

May 21, 2013, Journal

I was coming to Him last night and it occurred to me that I have incredible freedom to just come and to go and to stay and so I asked Jesus, can I be anywhere- even that golden room? And the answer seemed to be, yes, My little darling- how cute of you to ask. Of course you can- My rooms are open to you.

And so I was there and I threw myself into His arms and Jesus said, do you want to explore? And I was torn, because I was feeling so much love for Him, but also, I did want to explore, so eventually I went out, holding Him by the hand and we went down the path and looked into rooms- a sitting room, a kitchen, a storage room and a pathway with a trellis roof with grape vines and I paused there to pluck a grape and eat it.

“Grapes!” I said to Jesus, turning around to look at Him. He smiled.

Then I couldn’t explore further, because I got conflicting images and that was frustrating, so Jesus pulled me out to the center courtyard and suggested that we dance, and we did and we were better at it, though it made me laugh, because it takes so much concentration and willingness to be present and listening- I must be present to Jesus, to where He is putting His feet, in order to move with Him or follow Him.

Here is something I blogged about, though I didn’t blog the whole thing, but I’ll add it in here.

(What I mean is that when I went to share this experience on my blog in 2013, I sought the Holy Spirit for a way to translate Jesus’ words to me in a way that would be easy for others to understand, and I shared it in that way. When I went to record this in my journal later, I included both the general wording from the blog, as well as the more specific wording that I received originally.

(This is something that I do routinely. When Jesus speaks to me, He almost always uses the language of the spiritual metaphor of the church as His Bride, of which I am a type. When I am asked to share something from my journal, my most important task is relying on the Holy Spirit to help me share the meaning of His message in a way that others can receive it for themselves without stumbling over me. Another good way to prevent this kind of misunderstanding is to consider me as symbolic, so that what He is saying to me, He is saying to His Church.)

You prayed for them, Jesus reminded me. He was standing in front me, watching me with such tenderness as I was working through my thoughts.

"Yes, that's true," I answered, remembering what that prayer felt like. It felt like I was opening myself up to a rush of winged love that was not originating in me, but simply flowing through me, out to its mysterious and beautiful purpose.

You should pray for Me, Jesus suggested, His eyes twinkling with humor.

I’m used to Jesus saying things to me that challenges my assumptions about Him, so when Jesus suggested I pray for Him, I gave Him a look that was something between shy love and fond exasperation. Jesus knows that I know that He needs nothing and will accomplish everything perfectly through Himself, so in that sense, He certainly does not need us to pray for Him.

However, I considered the possibility that one might minister to God, which is a phrase that is sometimes in my head lately, but I'm not sure what it means.

It occurs to me now, as I write this, that this phrase might be in my head lately because it contains part of the answer as to why I'm so often in the inner place with Him- which is a question I've been asking Him.

-In fact, I considered how Jesus kept insisting that I was His spouse, His beloved, and how loving Him and delighting in Him and welcoming Jesus so warmly and faithfully must be a way of ministering to Him.

"I suppose I minister to You in some way..." I said to Him, uncertainly, having, at that time, only the foggiest idea what that meant.

You do- your place is as My own, My resting place, one who loves Me- all these things were contained in His response, which was not in exactly words, but in concepts.

Immediately, I misunderstood Him. I assumed Jesus was indicating something about being a favorite, instead of being irreplaceable, which is something I often stumble over, at first.

-I thought, even so, even if that is my place, it can’t be that I have a favored place, that would be so very wrong. Everyone must minister to Jesus in equally close and beloved and cherished ways.

So I didn't accept what Jesus was saying; I deflected Him. "But everyone else is, too," I replied.

Your place is unique, He insisted.

-What Jesus did was, He insistently brought my mind back to everything He had taught me about who I was, and the intensity of our delight, how He lived in me and I in Him and our lives were spiritually united in a very real and intense way and insisted, with His good humor, that such a relationship to and with Him was in fact a very cherished and clear way of ministering to Him.

"You can't have favorite people that You love more than anyone else!" I cried, angrily. I stepped close to Jesus and took His robe in my two hands, as though they were the lapels of His suitcoat, if He has been wearing one. "If You have favorite people, then You're not really Jesus and I... I won't believe in You," I finished, with breathless daring and anger.

There was this one moment where I waited, frozen in terrible anxiety, and then Jesus burst out laughing; I mean, He was bent forward, shoulders shaking, eyes closed, laughing.

His laughter is so delicious. It broke up all my anxiety and I couldn't help laughing with Him. I realized then that I'd been misunderstanding what He meant, but that He found me delightful.

(This is because Jesus, being the beloved Son of God, and the Elect, the Chosen One of God, did not remain in that supreme, untouched bliss in Heaven, but emptied Himself, even to a death on a cross, in order to draw others into the family of God. He opened the door of Heaven. When Jesus chooses us for a role in His Kingdom, the tilt of our heart must be in a similar direction- we are chosen by Him for the sake of other people, so that we might demonstrate His love to others, so they might be drawn to Jesus and become His beloved.

(The Lord does not have favorites in the sense that we, in our fallen world, experience that, but He certainly does have special roles for individuals- His mother Mary, John the Baptist and Abraham being some powerful examples. Those are not interchangeable roles, they are fit into the fabric of His eternal Kingdom. The other side of this is that, while the Lord’s love pours out toward all of us through the cross, if a person does not turn to Him and surrender and begin to love Him with their lives and to learn of Him, their relationship with Him will not develop, and so they will not be able or prepared to receive all the love from Jesus that He longs to give them, and which He can give to those who belong to Him.)

I leaned against Jesus in relief and I was caught up in His warm and close embrace.

I put my arms around His waist and let go of my anxiety. “I suppose You did tell John and James that there are quite specific places in You, though also, I suppose that still doesn’t mean that You loved them more or less. It just means that was their place. Also, You do go on about places, like, how one should take the lower place at the table, in order to be welcomed up higher, so when one thinks they are first, it’s very likely they are last and anytime they think they are last, they likely are first, so it’s no point even to worry about comparing places, but simply to accept that place that is made for one.”

Indeed, He murmured or Just so, or Yes. He was still filled with such good humor.

"I see now," I admitted. "Yes. No one else could fit into my place and I could never fit into anyone else's place. Everyone ministers to You in their own unique and irreplaceable way. Everyone in You is favored and loved."

I remembered all this, as I leaned against Jesus. I let go of my self-judgments and rested in Him, the place in Him that is not earned, that always waits for me and cannot be lost, only found again and again.

I stood on tiptoe and whispered into His ear, "You are the Son of the Living God. You are Life itself."

The pleasure of affirming this shivered down my spine. He smiled, the laugh lines appearing at the corners of His eyes. He looked at me. His eyes are beautiful, luminous, clear. I could receive His loving gaze and look loving back at Him.

May 23, 2013 Journal

Last night I was shy to see Jesus because I had blogged about Him. I see Him so clearly now, it’s almost unnerving. I see expressions passing over His face. I said something to Jesus and in response, He shook His head- I was amazed that He was answering me by a gesture and that I could see the gesture.

We played together a lot- in the green, hidden lake- we played on the shore; like children! Just like children.

I said to Jesus, “You’re demonstrating so much of Your sense of humor lately!” By which I mean, He was expressing it so freely, so richly.

And Jesus said, because you can receive it. By which He meant, there was enough trust, intimacy and background to our relationship to provide the context for it.

Jesus went into the clear, green lake and all I could see was His head as He swam and I told Him that looked weird, just to see His head above the water, so He rose up effortlessly straight out of the water and extended His arms to me, with this wonderfully humorous attitude about Him, as if He were saying without words, "Oh, yes, I can walk on water, how do you like Me now?" I laughed so much I tipped over onto the mossy bank.

He came out of the water and sat on the bank with His legs dangling in the water. I looked at Jesus with wonder and shyness, but I also knew that He was mine, that I knew Him.

Then we were somewhere else- at the bank of a different river, sitting together. I was sitting cross legged, He had one knee drawn up and one leg in the river and I was tucked under His arm and we were talking. We talked about how people might wonder why I was spending all this time with Jesus and yet not asking Him the hard questions.

I told Jesus that even when a person is with Him, it is still necessary to trust Him with the overarching plan and with the deepest questions, and learning that trust is almost more important than knowing the answers, but that this is such a difficult thing to come to terms with, that each person would have to learn this between themselves and God.

Jesus agreed that the mystery of it was a difficult thing for each person to grasp. I thought about how Jesus’ parables allow for that mystery and space- a person must wrestle with the meaning- must draw the meaning out slowly, because it is not always immediately present.

I have to write down some things.

I came through to Jesus, and at first all I could see was His face, and that was enough for a long time, and then I was fully there, standing on the grass. I put my arms around His waist and we stood a long time there.

I kept thinking about how my love for Him was a way of ministering to Him, that He valued it, that it was unique, that it was mine, that I was made for it- that He had made me for that.

I couldn’t articulate how very much I loved Jesus. I put my hand against His throat where I could feel His pulse moving between the collar bones, the life that flowed there and how thin the skin over it and how vulnerable He made Himself to me, and how vulnerable I was to Him, how He held my life, my breath, in His hand, my whole existence relying on Him.

We stayed there a long time, just to be there, just in that trust, that way of being and then Jesus took my hand and led me into the house and from one room to the next, and being present in this leading, from one to the next was like passing through gates into greater and greater intimacy, like falling farther and farther back into deep, still water.

The peace was unbroken and I was able to know that Jesus was with me, and I was able to believe that He loved me, and so I was able to settle down like a quieted bird before Him and to open my arms to Him in the freedom of trust. Jesus was also perfectly still and full of peace. He is generous beyond words, that He comes into our spirits and makes His home there and loves us, willing to be found there, willing to be seen.

I whispered into His ear. And I remembered when I could hardly speak His name, because my faith was weak and it was close to impossible to really believe that Jesus might really love me and might want to be with me, and now, one of the greatest joys of being with Him was to call Him by His name, to know who He is, because there is no one else that I ever want to know, and knowing Jesus is so close causes me almost to be dizzy with joy, lost in the spray of waves of dazzling light.

I remembered another phrase that is so beautiful with meaning, and I said to Jesus, “I choose You,” and that melted His heart, which it always does. I said, “I chose You before and I choose You now and I will always choose You. I love You, I love You, I love You. I’m Yours, Your own, Your gift.”

And this caused the love to turn fire and we were lost in ecstasy so intense that there was nothing but light all around us and in us and I said and affirmed, without words and with words, that I was His gift, His gift from the Father, that the Father Himself had given me to Him. And the wonder of this, the joy of this, was almost like being undone. It was intoxicating. By affirming it, I was causing His heart to melt down into molten gold and the heat of His melted love was turning us to flame.

I remembered that Jesus had been and is held in the bosom of the Father and that He does what He sees the Father doing, so that Jesus has a strong desire or yearning to do the same thing, to hold someone close to Him and to cherish them and delight in them and to be their Beloved.

So I gave myself away like a gift to Him for that, I said, “Here I am, I’m Yours to have and to hold, You may have me, here I am, I yield, I give myself to You to be held in Your arms.” I said, “My spirit dwells in only You, You live in me and I in You – that is how fully and completely I belong to You.”

And the reason this was drawing me into an ecstasy was because of the way these things moved His heart. Jesus has no defenses against one who belongs to Him and who is determined to adore Him and say and mean exactly the thing that sets His heart the most on fire, and says it to Him with every intention of pleasing Him as much as is humanly possible, and this was causing His heart to become a conflagration, and this was in turn causing me to melt away into nothing but determination to delight Him, which delighted Him, and this was like a river of light that I was washing away on, only I wasn’t going anywhere, because the Lord defined all that I was, so that I could be constantly losing myself in the love of Him and yet never being lost, and I could feel the fire of this burning all through my physical self as I was caught up in this experience.

Then I was inspired with something else delightful to Jesus that I could say and mean, so I declared to Him that He would never lose me, that no one could take me out of the Father’s hand.

And this had a greater affect than any other statement I could not breathe because for the wordless ecstasy that was undoing me in the truth of that, because of the degree to which that moved Jesus- because of His love of the Father, and His perfect trust in His Father, and His flawless gratitude that pours out effortlessly and perfectly, because the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit love with a selfless, gladness.

I realized then and acknowledged that I was in some way perceiving and being even, in a very small way, caught up in that indescribable interior life of God, of the Trinity, that I was understanding or seeing, or even experiencing a small taste of that infinite and perfect and holiness of the being of God – and that through our union with the Lord Jesus as His Bride, all who live in Him can see and know the joyful gladness of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

And I kept coming back to and remembering that I could and did minister to Jesus- that it was my place, and this filled me with joy indescribable and so I kept pouring my love and adoration out Jesus again and again and again, loving on Him with and without words.

I said to Him, “You One, You Word, Logos…” and I remembered what that meant and so I said, “You reason, You are the Reason.” And this knowledge and joy was carrying me away, knowing that Jesus is the reason for which everything was created and through which everything was created, the answer to everything.

We seemed to be surrounded by pure golden light and I was filled with so much love- it was pouring through me, like my skin could not contain it and I saw His face and this love rose up in me and I took His head in my hands and I drew His head to me and kissed His forehead and I let all my love come pouring out to Jesus, and these words, with the love and light, came pouring through me and I said, “Let You be blessed.” And I could feel the love poured out on Jesus and how He absorbed it so deeply- how He doesn’t grasp at it or demand it, but He waits. He waits. So the love poured through me in words and I whispered so many things over the top of His head, like love poured out, most of which I have forgotten, but I said, “Let You be loved, let You be accepted, let You be given, let Yoube received, let You be planted, let You be eaten, let You be poured out, letYou be given all that is Yours.”

And His heart opened up and I saw the deep pain of His heart over the continuing pain of this present world as He waits and He said, it hurts. And my heart broke. I poured my love on Jesus and I rocked Him in my arms and I murmured all kinds of comfort to Him, saying to Him, “You know and we know that the Father’s plan is sovereign and perfect and will be done.” Which of course, Jesus does know.  His trust is unbroken and glad, but He does share His pain sometimes.

And we were also, at some point in the green, hidden lake. We were just full of joy. And I could watch His face, and His eyes were without depth and full of light and with no defenses. He told me, with such joy, with such love, delight, wonder, what did I teach you?

And I said, “You taught me that my weakness, my vulnerabilities, confessed to You and given over to You in trusting faith, are what lead to intimacy with You.” (As opposed to attempting to perfect myself apart from Him before presenting myself to Him, which would keep one from Him indefinitely, because we cannot fix ourselves.)

In response, Jesus poured out on me His love, His affirmation, His delight that I learned this, that I continued to live this out at deeper and deeper levels of trust.

We were swimming in the lake. We swam all the way to the other end, and there, under the water, was the opening of a cave, a subterranean tunnel, and Jesus, without hesitating, went down it, and so I followed Him because I didn’t have time to stop and think, because if I had, I would never have entered. This tunnel went through the rock roots of the mountain to an opening in a cliff- a terribly high cliff, and the water came out under great pressure like the white water that emerges from a concrete dam during flood season.

I told Jesus, I was confessing to Him, that these were all elements that I feared the most- rushing, underground water, water that is moving through underground systems for who knew how long, white water that is under great pressure, that could crush, that you cannot control, but now I was in them.

I remembered standing on the top of dams as a child, hearing the roar of the water, seeing the smooth surface on the one side, the smooth surface under which are all the openings through which the water is being drawn, and the white foam of the water rushing away on the other side, after passing through who knew what under the dam, and feeling the chill of fear on my arms and slightly dizzy.

When we came to the edge of the cliff, I knew there was nothing to be afraid of, but I was clinging to the edge of the rock- which physically, would have been impossible, because, really, there was nothing to cling to and the force of the water would have swept me away in one moment, I but I couldn’t let go and so we were back in the room.

I felt that I had let Jesus down by not trusting Him- after all, He had gone through first and there is never anything to be afraid of when I am with Him, and it’s not possible to actually hurt oneself physically when I am there with Him. But Jesus was loving and gentle and patient, and so after a while, I wanted to go back and try it again, and this time, to not be afraid to be thrown out into the air with the water.

I followed Jesus back into the tunnel and let myself be thrown from side to side by the current, joyfully almost, like a water slide, going faster and faster and wondering when the end will be reached and suddenly, thrown out into the air, hundreds of feet above the foot of the cliff, where the ocean reaches the shore. I dropped slowly, effortlessly all the way down to the bubbling water at the foot of the waterfall, where Jesus was already. There was rich green moss, smooth stones in the clear water and tropical trees and verdant life all around, following the stream down to where it reached the ocean.