Wednesday, October 5, 2011

October 5th

So, last night, as we were all snuggled up in bed, Keith said, "Tell me a good story out of the Bible. But it has to be a good one!"

Like, he was afraid I would go off on a story that proved he was a miserable person and living his life all wrong, which is exactly what I was afraid of finding in there as well.

The problem was, I had a hard time trying to put into words what I was learning. The same goes for this blog. I find it increasingly difficult to articulate my experiences.

You know why, in my stories, I always have the main character fall in love with someone who is not entirely human? It's because, from the time I was a young girl, I was intoxicated with the idea that I was loved by God Himself. I just can't think of anything more thrilling than that.

I still can't.

I used to think I would have to wait until the next life before I could be near Him. Now I know I was wrong.

I used to think that following the rules was the same as following Him. Now I know I was wrong. I follow Him because I can't keep the rules, no one of us can. He could, and because He lives in us, the rules are satisfied through Him. He will continuously transform my life from the inside out.

I used to think He was put off by my human nature. What a thing to think! He's the author of my human nature! He understands me better than I understand myself.

I used to think that He was callous toward my physical body, and that He valued only my spiritual being. Now I know I was wrong.

These five or so days have been a time of intense healing. He did not hesitate to reach right down into the heart of my wounds. He poured out His love in ways that were tender and practical, as well as in ways that were beyond understanding.

It was as though I saw Him! I read verses I've read many times before, only this time, they were alive. He was peeling back layer after layer of shame and fear.
At some point yesterday, I remembered that I used to read the Song of Songs. I remembered specifically one phrase: Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm. I remembered how passionately I had prayed that.

Yesterday, He told me, "I heard you. I never forgot."

I wish I could blog better about how I am feeling, but I can't. Anyway, my life hasn't radically changed. It's almost the same outward life. He did not lay any awful or unnatural burden on me. I do everything that I used to do, only it means more and I feel more joy in doing it.

At some point here, I'll start writing again, and who knows how Torii will be impacted by all this.

But I don't have to worry about tomorrow. I have all of today to live in.