Tuesday, December 6, 2011

December 6th

Wow, I had such a rough night last night! I've never written anything so personal or anything that made me feel so vulnerable as my last two blogs- especially yesterday's. But both, one day after the other! Phew!

I had to take two Tums, just to quiet the intense anxiety in my stomach. I knew it was going to be a bad night, just like I knew He wanted me to post the blog.

I lay in bed last night just completely drained. It's one thing to work through the lessons themselves. But then to work through them again in writing, and then to put them out in public, that is hugely emotionally demanding.

Then I worried that people might think I wasn't grateful for my life or that I was depressed or something. I worried about that all night long.

I'm really not. I love my quiet life. I love my husband and my comfortable house and my writing. I have interesting things to think about and to write about.

It's just that, everything that makes life worth living is Jesus. He is the source of everything good- He is life and love itself. Knowing Him enriches life, while at the same time pulls my heart toward Him, like an irresistible gravitational pull. It's just that I'll never be fully satisfied until I see His face.

I had to get up and call my dad. "I'm experiencing post-blog anxiety," I told him, and hearing his rich laughter was good therapy.

I talked to my mom. "I wrote about it all," I told her. "I put it all out there."

"Oh good, dear!" she exclaimed. "It was so rich and precious. I'm sure it will help someone."

Talking to them really helped. So did the Tums.
I got up at five in the morning, and logged on to facebook. Lo and behold, my uncle had posted on my wall, bless his heart, so the very first thing I read was positive feedback about my blog.

Maybe now I can go back to blogging about cooking! That was great, that was fun times...