I continue to process a lot of emotion, which is tiring.
It's all very well and good to say such little bits of wisdom like "live in the moment" and "live intentionally," but the reality is, living that way is hard work.
It's much easier to simply go through life in a daydream of the future than to wake up to the moment.
Anyway, it is for me.
Last night, Keith and I processed a lot of our emotions around the adoption. There are a lot of emotions that come up!
It was difficult to work through them. We had to process again our grief at not getting pregnant, and question again our decision not to further pursue infertility treatments.
We wondered- should we have continued? Will we regret it that we didn't try clomid again, and then again, and maybe artificial insemination? Should we put the adoption aside and try some infertility treatments? Did we give up on having biological children too soon?
These are such excruciating questions. However, the result of our conversation was a recognition that this is the right way forward.
"This is something I don't think anyone can ever be completely ready for," my husband reminded me.
However one is becoming a parent, one is never completely ready. We just have to take a deep breath and jump in and trust.
We both have an authentic desire to adopt, which is apart from the complex questions about infertility treatments. That is, even if we had conceived, we still would have wanted to adopt.
Then, this was my verse this morning:
"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows- this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families; He sets the prisoners free and gives them joy... Praise the Lord; praise God our Savior! For each day He carries us in His arms."
Psalm 68:5-6, 19 NLT
Is that not astonishing?
Hopefully, today the home study office will call and let us know if we were accepted into their program.
I already have many of their forms printed out, with sticky notes attached, letting me know where the forms must go to be filled out, and have ordered my birth certificate, which is the one document I didn't have on hand.
Keith and I went over the home study's check list of everything required, and he thinks it won't take long to gather it all up, because his being in the Army kind of makes it one-stop shopping, so to speak.
So, I just continue to take it one step and one day at a time.
And joy comes in the moments. That's the good part about living intentionally- joy wells up, unexpectedly, at the simplest things.