Monday, April 16, 2012

April 15th

Well, we didn't hear from the agency on Friday, so I am hoping both that we will hear from them today and that this delay is just typical of the entire procedure and not some ominous sign that they are considering rejecting us, possibly because we're military.

Beyond that circumstance, I feel a new sense of peace. I used to feel a nagging insecurity in my relationship with God- worried that He would leave me, because I did something wrong or because He was fickle. I kept clinging to the way I was experiencing Him, because it was so reassuring.

I don't know how it happened, but over the last week or so, that insecurity has sort of melted away. I understand on a much deeper level than before that God is with me all the time, just as He is with everyone.

In fact, there is simply no getting away from His presence. And there is no escaping His love. We were brought forth in love, and we are claimed by love.

I know this is so hard to explain in the presence of such excruciating pain that life presents- the brutality and cruelty and senselessness of it.

But I have this glimpse now of how extraordinarily huge the Living God is. He encompasses all of human history. He is the beginning and He is the end, and I am just absolutely sure that He will resolve and heal all of our pain.

I have no idea how, and that is okay. I no longer worry about not having all the answers. He does, and that is enough.

Now, when I experience His presence, warmth and recognition wells up from within me, but I no longer cling to those things. They are gifts, just like the sunlight is a gift, and Keith is a gift and infertility is a gift.

They are all authored by my God, tailored for me, and part of the story of my life that He is writing.

It makes me think, often, of this verse:

"Not to us, O Lord, but to You goes all the glory for Your unfailing love and faithfulness."

-Psalm 115:1 NLT

His love has nothing to do with who we are; it has everything to do with who He is. Faithfulness is His very character, and His love is what defines Him.