January 3rd

(Written on January 2nd)

Was resting with Jesus last night, realized for the first time that I could go to the Father at any time. I had realized this for brief periods of time previously, but not in a lasting way. During those times, it was as though Jesus had expanded my faith out as a gift, just enough and just long enough to be present there, in order to teach me by what I saw.

However, this was not a brief break in my disbelief, nor was it a thunderous revelation, but was as quiet as blinking. One moment I was trapped by my fear and disbelief and the next moment the fear and disbelief were gone and I was gazing at the truth. It was not a scary truth; it was natural, like breathing, like a field of wild flowers in summer.

So, almost as though I were taking the hand of the Holy Spirit- Who has become Someone quite dear to me, which is a miraculous turn around, considering that until recently I was still laboring under such religious fear of the Spirit of God that I never even said His name if I could help it, and almost never referred to Him. Anyway, taking His hand in trust, I simply stepped into the throne room.

I remained holding on the Holy Spirit and reminding myself that I was not in the throne room in a literal or complete way. I was perfectly aware that I was physically lying in my bed, and yet I was seeing the floor of the throne room and my bare foot placed there.

The paving stones that made up the floor were amber, rose and gold, as I had seen them before. The Holy Spirit was looking down with me, and I knew His joy at my being able to accept what I was seeing without fear. He appeared like a translucent form of a person, and He was bent forward as though some wind of joy were blowing through Him and He was bending with it. It seemed perfectly natural to me that He should appear this way; it seemed to fit His nature.

“The floor is probably not really like this,” I said to Him, as though to say my lessons out loud to my Teacher. “But this is a symbol of a spiritual reality- this is beautiful- even the floor in the presence of Abba is beautiful.”

So then I looked up and I saw a pillar with fluted design work. “Pillars can mean more than one thing,” I said to Him, placing my hand on it. “It could symbolize someone who has completed their course and are now able to stand as a pillar in the presence of God, and never go out again…”

Then I felt shy that I might in some way be touching a saint, so I withdrew my hand.

In this case, the pillar does not symbolize that, the Holy Spirit assured me.

“So perhaps it is showing the strength and beauty and uprightness and dependability of Abba,” I replied, and though He did not reply, I knew His tender pleasure at my attempts to understand, as if I were a child who was loved.

Then I looked up farther and saw the outer wall of the room, which went towering up quite high, and that had narrow windows placed high up. Those windows confused me.

“I think the original temple windows might have been like that- I have seen pictures that show them like that. I don’t know if that was right or not, but I remember seeing the pictures,” I said to the Holy Spirit. “But surely they are not really like that now. Wouldn’t it be more lovely if the windows were longer, to let in more light and landscape?”

I don’t know how I dared to suggest an alteration to what I was seeing, but that’s how loved I felt, and besides which, I wanted to learn. But the windows remained as they were and would not be altered, so I considered, as best I could, why the windows would be narrow and high up.

I pondered this for a while, but did not come to a clear understanding of it at that time. Most of these spiritual truths are so far beyond me that I was not and am not surprised that I was unable to know the full answer.  However, as I write this, it occurs to me that the windows might in fact be illustrating the fact that I have yet to grow in stature enough to see the full picture. The windows are letting in light and air and I see a portion of the sky, but I can't see the whole thing.

This does not trouble me too much, because I know the Holy Spirit will continue to guide me into the truth. That is why He is the guide. A guide is someone that you follow as they lead you into a large territory that you yourself are not familiar with yet, but you will be, because the guide is faithful and to be trusted.

Then I turned to the center of the room, and I saw a throne on a dais. I was taken aback by this at first. It was of gold with crimson upholstery, so I had no doubt that my vision was not of the actual throne, which must surely be more blindingly glorious, but I knew what it must symbolize.

“That of course shows the authority of Abba,” I said, my voice quiet.

Then I saw Abba on the throne. Before, this would have overwhelmed me, but now the peace remained, though it was suffused with wonder. In humility, I knew I could not really be seeing Him, but I knew that He was allowing me to see a vision of Him, and even though this was not the fullness of Abba, it remained a precious and genuine gift from His heart to mine.

Abba did not sit stiffly in the throne; he sat there with a kind of easy and effortless confidence. He was completely at rest, but there was something about Him that made it clear that at any moment, if He wished, He might rise up and do something for the sheer joy of it. I did not see His face very well, as I was too shy to look that closely, but I went to Him and stood at the side of the throne and leaned against the arm rest.

“I am really Your daughter,” I told Him, almost as a confession- as a way to declare to Him what I had suddenly known to be true. This was the understanding that had taken away all my fear and disbelief from before. “It is not a metaphor. I’m actually Your daughter.”

Yes, always, He said.

“I live in Your house as Your daughter,” I said, as understanding dawned further. “I used to offer this belief to others, but all the time, I was withholding this belief from myself, and did not trust it to be true, and did not trust in Your love and the truth that I am Your daughter. Forgive me,” I whispered, because it suddenly seemed to me to be heartbreaking.

You’re forgiven. I will always forgive you, He assured me tenderly. This grace of God is through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, and is not meant for liberty to be self centered, but is the bedrock of trust upon which one lays down one's life to God in service to Him and others, taking up one's cross and following Jesus.

“I know I am not really seeing You, because no one can see You and live, but I love that You have these crinkly lines at the corners of Your eyes,” I told Him. “Perhaps this is because You are the Ancient of Days.”

But I am young and full of vitality, He protested, smiling.

“Perhaps that is why I am seeing You clean shaven, without a beard,” I said with tender affection.

This entire exchange was easy and comfortable, because I knew all through me that I am His daughter. A daughter is not frightened of her father. She is not on pins and needles around Him. She knows that she is loved and cherished and safe, and that is how I felt, though this was quite new to me.

I came around to the front of the throne and sat down on His lap and leaned my head against His shoulder. It was safe and comfortable there.

Despite the fact that my earthly father is now one of the most loving, humble, insightful, supportive and creative people that I have ever known, and despite the fact that my relationship with him is deep, trusting and rich now, during my childhood, he was emotionally absent due to unhealed pain in his childhood. He did not know how to be a father and avoided the thought of it. This has created a kind of emotional void in my heart that I sometimes feel even now.

“I don’t know how to be around a father,” I confessed sadly.

I will teach you this.

“Jesus knows how I am all the way through and when I do something embarrassing, I trust Him now to love me in my most vulnerable moments and in the deepest parts of who I am, but I’m afraid if I make a mistake with You, it will have terrible consequences,” I confessed.

I know you all the way through, Abba assured me. I know exactly how you are and you are safe with Me.

Just as my daughter lives in our house and has no fear and knows the house to be her own by virtue of the fact that she is our daughter, and just as she runs from kitchen to living room and to kitchen again, joyfully waving a ribbon wand, in a similar way, we are that safe and loved and included in the house and family of Abba.

Our daughter has her own room in the house, but she is not confined there, she is welcomed and included in the family rooms, where we delight to see her and enjoy spending time with her- in the same way, we have our own room in Abba’s house that is made especially for us, but we are free and welcomed to come into the common spaces, to love Abba and to be loved and to enjoy being together.

“I live in Your house as Your own daughter!” I said again, as the thought continued to sink in.

As I was thinking of this, I saw how all the rooms of Abba’s house stretched out around us- it was a family house.

You live with Jesus, Abba reminded me, smiling, because He knew He was giving me a gift; He was reminding me of the specific location where in His house my room was found.

Love and joy suffused my entire being as I remembered this. “I do!” I breathed. “I live with Jesus in Your house!”

Another thing occurred to me, something that I had felt guilty about for quite some time.

“I love Jesus the most,” I confessed in a whisper. For a long time, I wondered if my continual focus on Jesus was somehow impolitic and would offend Abba. This was an irrational and silly fear, but many deep-down, half-seen fears turn out to be this way, when brought out into the light, where they can be really seen for what they are.

That’s the way you were created, He assured me.

“I was created to love Jesus the way I do!” I repeated, in joy. I can’t describe this joy. The thing that I had worried might be offensive was in fact a central aspect of my original design.


The closer I come to God, the more of my original design becomes clear to me as the lies lose their power and fall away, and the more joyfully I realize who I am and the more naturally I give expression to it, in a creative, loving way that is a kind of organic and personal worship of God.

The delight, joy and relief of understanding this made me want to be with Jesus, and so as easily as I had come, I returned to the inner room, where He was waiting- in one sense- and threw my arms around Jesus in joy.

“I belong to You by design and I am created to love You!” I declared to Him with delight, “and I live with You in the Father’s house!”

I love you!

“I love You! I love You, Jesus of Nazareth, You Son of God, the uniquely begotten,” I leaned against Him and then I looked at Him closely, at His tender, weathered and long suffering face with gentle, loving eyes. “How kind the Holy Spirit is, and how grateful I am to Him, that He lets me see You."

*

“There are many dwelling places in my Father’s house. Otherwise, I would have told you, because I am going away to make ready a place for you. And if I go and make ready a place for you, I will come again and take you to be with me, so that where I am you may be too.”

John 14:2-3

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. For he will not speak on his own authority, but will speak whatever he hears, and will tell you what is to come. He will glorify me, because he will receive from me what is mine and will tell it to you. Everything that the Father has is mine; that is why I said the Spirit will receive from me what is mine and will tell it to you.

John 16:13-15

Blessed is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms in Christ. For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we may be holy and unblemished in his sight in love. He did this by predestining us to adoption as his sons through Jesus Christ, according to the pleasure of his will— to the praise of the glory of his grace that he has freely bestowed on us in his dearly loved Son. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace that he lavished on us in all wisdom and insight. He did this when he revealed to us the secret of his will, according to his good pleasure that he set forth in Christ, toward the administration of the fullness of the times, to head up all things in Christ—the things in heaven and the things on earth.

Ephesians 1:3-10

“Then the father said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and everything that belongs to me is yours.”

Luke 14:31