December 17, 2011
I
rediscovered the 16th Psalm recently:
Keep me, O
God, for I am safe in You.
I said to the
Lord, “You are my Lord.
All the good
things I have come from You.”
As for those
in the land who belong to You,
they are the
great ones in whom is all my joy.
Those who
have traded for another god bring many troubles on themselves.
I will not
take part in their altar gifts of blood.
And I will
not take their names upon my lips.
The Lord is
all that I am to receive,
and my cup.
My future is
in Your hands.
The land
given to me is good.
Yes, my share
is beautiful to me.
I will give
honor and thanks to the Lord,
Who has told
me what to do.
Yes, even at
night my mind teaches me.
I have placed
the Lord always in front of me.
Because He is
at my right hand,
I will not be
moved.
And so my
heart is glad.
My soul is
full of joy.
My body also
will rest without fear.
For You will
not give me over to the grave.
And You will
not allow Your Holy One
to return to
dust.
You will show
me the way of life.
Being with
You is to be full of joy.
In Your right
hand there is happiness forever.
December 18, 2011 Unpublished
A few weeks
ago, I blogged about how I had asked Jesus, almost desperately, why He was like
He is with me- why I felt Him near, real and deeply entwined in my
life. Why was it, I wanted to know, that I could feel His love and hear His
voice so clearly?
His answer
was that I was His and He wanted me close to Him. And I think that is the
deepest answer. But lately, I
have been considering other answers to this question, that are also true.
Here is the
first thing that I have been considering: Jesus must be larger than our pain. I
think that if pain has caused severe damage, then He will come in
and fill us beyond that. In the end, Jesus' healing and presence will always be greater.
This is an incomplete answer though, because even those who haven't suffered devastating events can still have a profound relationship with Jesus. Suffering isn't the only gateway to a deep and authentic relationship with God, although I do sometimes wonder if it isn't one of the most direct routes.
This is an incomplete answer though, because even those who haven't suffered devastating events can still have a profound relationship with Jesus. Suffering isn't the only gateway to a deep and authentic relationship with God, although I do sometimes wonder if it isn't one of the most direct routes.
The other
thing I have considered is that fear, bitterness, un-forgiveness and shame can
shut a heart right down. If we persistently hold onto these things, how can we receive Jesus' presence and voice? It's hard to hear Him if our spiritual posture is hunched down and turned away. We might miss or dismiss what Jesus is saying to us.
Fortunately,
Christ comes anyway and never gives up on us, and His love teaches us and enables us to release more and
more of those emotions and scars into His hands. As they melt away, we open
ourselves up deeper and deeper to Him.
Those are some
of the answers I’ve been thinking about. I’m sure there are more, and that my
understanding is limited.
I have been
asking for Jesus all my life- this is a truth I have begun more clearly to
recognize. But what must be more true, is that I was calling for God because I
belonged to Him all along.
This must be
why, when Jesus came to me, I felt such a profound sense of recognition. I had
belonged to Him all along- I had just forgotten it.
But even when
we forget, He never does.
December 18,
2011 Unpublished
Even when I
was a young girl, I used to love to go outside, by myself, and drink in the
beauty around me. I used to love the wind, especially- I used to love to feel
it through my hair and on my face.
One night, I
was remembering this with Jesus and He said to me, I was in the wind.
I thought of
the verses which speak of God riding on the wind. Wonder opened up in my heart,
as a large piece of who I was fell into place.
The beauty
and mystery that had so attracted me, that had drawn me, as a child, was
actually a reflection of Christ Himself, because they were His own handiwork
and revealed His character to me. He was in and all through His creation, and
He Himself was the heart of what drew me.
"I knew
it!" I declared, with joy. "I knew it was You!"
December 19,
2011
I read this
in Christy:
“One of Miss Alice's Quaker
sayings was apropos: 'Such and such a person is meant to be my bundle.'"
After I read that, I put the
book down and thought about how few "bundles" I had in my life, in terms of people. Shouldn't
there be more people that I was meant to love and carry?
Clearly, I'm
still stuck on this idea that Christ doesn't take into account our nature, the
very nature that He Himself created, when He leads us in our lives. I persist
in having this idea of a universal Christian life that we must all mold
ourselves to, instead of all being diverse parts of Christ's body, each with a
different strength and calling, and each loving in our own way, in the way that
we were created to love.
"How
come I don't have many bundles?" I asked Jesus, feeling guilty.
Your writing is your bundle, He said.
Like,
surprise, Jenny! Christ did not make you an introverted, creative writer and then
expect you to develop and carry scores of personal relationships as part of
your calling. Calling me to do the very thing that He equipped me for- now that
would just make too much sense!
Now I'd
better wrap this up and go for a nice long walk, before my number one and best
bundle returns, mud splattered and blue eyed.
December
19th, Later
On my walk, I
was so thirsting for stillness that I didn't even take along my music. I wanted
nothing but the sound of the wind, the dry scrape of leaves along the road, the
rustle as squirrels darted from tree to tree and the chirp and burble of birds
hidden in the bare branches.
The sky was a
pale winter blue, banded by clouds that sometimes passed over the sun, casting
the hillsides into shadow. But under the sun, all the fallen leaves glistened
like polished bronze.
When my walk
had taken me full circle, I clambered down the flat rocks that form a stream
bed. The stream pours around the rocks, separating into three or four different
thin sheets of water that join back together further downstream.
Usually, the
water level is low enough that I can leap over each branch with ease. Sometimes
it's not, and I must make my way further down, to an easier crossing point.
Today, I
crossed over all but the last rivulet, the one which is the deepest and the
fastest. It creates a little curl of water that spills into white foam. Bubbles
of foam float on down, gliding over the rippling water.
The sound of
the water falling was so lovely that I paused, and then knelt down with my
hands dangling easily between my knees. I leaned forward a little, listening
and watching the water run. It was hot, and I had tied my fleece around my
waist; I could feel the sun on the back of my white shirt.
The endless
quiet gurgle of water brought back an old memory. Until I was three, I lived
with my parents in upstate New York- farming country. My grandfather had a
dairy farm, and my father helped him run it.
Up the valley
was a sheep farm owned by the church I grew up in, and church services were
held there on Sunday mornings.
Above the
church building was a pond banked by a stone wall, and water from the pond above
trickled endlessly and brightly down the moss-green stones of this embankment.
It was a
lovely, deep and soothing sound. The water itself was a mysterious
golden green. Light glinted off the fall of water.
The grass was
a rich, deep green and over shading the pond were trees- were they willow
trees? I almost think they were, but I can't remember exactly.
The water
disappeared under the dirt driveway and then reappeared in another little fall
and then wound its way down the hillside, toward the sheep pasture.
All this
sensory memory came back to me, as I knelt by a rill of water this morning,
under the hot sun. With the memory came the strong and loving presence of
Christ- He was all bound up with the memory itself.
I realized
that He had been with me, even then, and rejoicing in the beauty of His
creation, and deeply loving me. Christ had been there, seeing that place not
only as it truly was, but as it was through my own child's eyes.
He tenderly
knows and understands our point of view, our memories- everything, in fact,
that go into making us who we are. There is no one else that will ever know us
better than He does- because only Christ can see from the heart outward.
December 19, 2011
(I first wrote this unpublished, and held onto it until a few days later, when I finally posted it to my blog. What I’m sharing here is not a vision, it was the combined result of how much better I was coming to know Jesus, and the fact that I had been reading John over and over again.)
(I first wrote this unpublished, and held onto it until a few days later, when I finally posted it to my blog. What I’m sharing here is not a vision, it was the combined result of how much better I was coming to know Jesus, and the fact that I had been reading John over and over again.)
One of my
favorite chapters in John is the third chapter.
I read it
slowly, wondering about it, and as I do now, walls spring up around me, stone walls, dimly
lit by a small, smoldering fire. There are dark shadows draping walls, floor,
ceiling. It's warm and quiet in the room, and it seems to be full of people not
clearly seen.
Some of them
are asleep on mats. But two or three are awake, and sitting by the fire. They
are talking quietly. There is the sound of their voices and of men breathing
and the wind outside the walls.
It is late at
night, but not so late that they are dizzy with exhaustion- just late enough to
talk with hushed voices and long, peaceful pauses.
But there
comes a knock on the door- heads lift and turn, the sleepers stir. Everyone
looks at each other. Who could this be?
Someone pads
over and opens the door, and leads in an unexpected visitor. His name is
Nicodemus. He's a Pharisee- a leader among the Jews, and he is sneaking in under
cover of night to speak face to face with Jesus, the Man who is creating such
an uproar, stirring up such questions and hopes and fears.
Nicodemus
settles himself cautiously down beside the fire and his eye search the face of
Jesus, who sits across from him.
Other
disciples are close at hand, listening and watching. The room is so quiet that
they can hear the soft sound of a burning log falling into the coals, sending
up a little cloud of sparks.
The first
thing Nicodemus says is a confession, one that had perhaps grown more and more
heavy on his mind as time had passed. It is perhaps the very reason why he had
come- why he had had to come, despite the risks.
"Teacher,"
he said, humbly, “we know that You are a teacher come from God; for no one can
do these signs that You do unless God is with him.”
The Nazarene
leans forward slightly, His eyes intent upon Nicodemus's face. Jesus' voice is
resonate with grace, but it has a quiet and unshakable authority. He goes
straight to the heart of the matter, knowing the heart of the man before Him.
Jesus says,
“Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the
kingdom of God.”
A puzzled
look springs into Nicodemus's eyes. He frowns slightly, as he tries to think
this unconventional thought through. Could the Teacher be speaking literally?
Every man in
that room longs for the Kingdom of God to come. What their Teacher has to say
about this is of utmost importance to them, and He has just thrown them a curve
ball.
"How can
a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asks at last, groping for
meaning. "Can he enter a second time into his mother's womb and be
born?"
Jesus' voice
is full of certainty when He answers - He is not expounding on a theory, or
building a case.
“Most
assuredly I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot
enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that
which is born of the Spirit is spirit."
Jesus sees
the questioning, half disbelieving look in Nicodemus' face, and it makes Him
smile. Jesus knows Nicodemus very well, and loves him.
"Do not
marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again," Jesus continues, His
eyes twinkling.
As He so
often does, He uses an illustration to help open their understanding- "The
wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where
it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit.”
As Jesus
speaks, He gestures unconsciously with His hands; they are the roughened hands
of a laborer. Every eye is on him, wondering and considering what He is saying.
Unbidden, memories of the wind come to them, shaking the leaves of the olive
trees silver before the rain and carrying the scent of water. They remember the
wind splintering the surface of the lake into shimmering light and sometimes
driving it up into terrifying billows of water, pelting them with hard drops of
rain.
Nicodemus
breaks the spell by his desperate need to understand something concrete, for an
answer that he can make sense of. Why won't He just speak sense, Nicodemus
wonders?
"How can
these things be?" he asks Jesus, his eyes pleading.
“Are you the
teacher of Israel, and do not know these things?" Jesus asks him gently.
He leans forward, one hand on His knee. When He speaks, His voice reverberates
with a mysterious depth; it causes the men to sit perfectly still, their eyes
riveted on Him.
"Most
assuredly, I say to you, We speak what We know and testify what We have
seen," Jesus says, in that voice that causes their souls to wake and stir,
"and you do not receive Our witness. If I have told you earthly things and
you do not believe, how will you believe if I tell you heavenly things?"
Almost, the
men have forgotten to breathe. The room is full of a kind of sacred stillness. Their
minds are on the verge of some deep secret of God, some plan, some idea so
wonderful, so unexpected, so extraordinary, that one no but God had ever dared
consider it, or put it in motion. Almost, they can grasp it, but it eludes
them.
"No one
has ascended to heaven but He who came down from heaven," Jesus speaks
quietly into the stillness, one hand gesturing towards Himself, "that is,
the Son of Man who is in heaven."
In smooth motion, Jesus raises
His hand into the air. "And as Moses lifted up the
serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that
whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life."
Jesus pauses,
watching the faces of the men around Him, to be sure they have taken in what He
has been saying. Everything that He is saying is of greatest importance to Him and
to His Father. The disciples are
watching Jesus of Nazareth with wondering eyes, hope dawning there with each
word He speaks.
Jesus leans
forward, His own eyes alight with the pleasure of speaking this truth out loud,
to those that were given to Him, and to everyone else that would ever hear
them.
"For God
so loved the world," Jesus discloses, His voice full of unshakeable joy,
"that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should
not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the
world to condemn the world," He continues, gesturing to emphasize the
importance of the distinction, aware of the misconception He knows they harbor,
"but that the world through Him might be saved."
Might be
saved, they wonder? The world? The whole world? Weren't they just talking about
the nation of Israel? Now, suddenly, their beloved Teacher is talking about God
saving the whole world from death and judgment. This is far beyond anything
they had ever considered.
“He who
believes in Him," Jesus continues, gesturing to Himself, "is not
condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not
believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God."
Jesus' voice
grows soft with sorrow, with regret. He leans back. He looks tired, all of a
sudden.
"And
this is the condemnation," the Teacher explains- "that the light has
come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their
deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come
to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed."
He sighs
deeply and the men stir, blinking and looking at one another. Jesus watches them
fondly; He puts His hand on the shoulder of the man next to Him. He
continues speaking to them now in a different tone of voice.
"But he
who does the truth comes to the light," Jesus says, looking with love
directly at Nicodemus, "that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have
been done in God.”
Nicodemus
must have left that house walking like a drunk man, unsteady on his feet.
Wonder must have filled him- he wouldn't have known whether he wanted to cry or
to shout for joy.