Friday, May 27, 2016

May 27th

Written four months ago, on February 16, 2016

Are You the Christ, the Son of the Blessed?” I asked Jesus sleepily, in the early morning, as I was thinking of that passage from Mark, one I had read the night before. I was quoting what the priest had asked Jesus, finally and clearly, and thinking of how Jesus had answered in the same way.

You know, Jesus replied strongly, immediately, both with the words and with a surge of emotional response- even though I was asking Him only in a rhetorical way, it was as though Jesus could not bear to hear me question what I knew so well.

“You are the Christ, the Son of God,” I declared immediately,  throwing my arms around Him in loving worship, and pouring out my response whole heartedly, because I do know. His strong feeling lit up my understanding. He doesn’t want to hear the question from me, not even in theory, because He has poured the truth of Himself into my life in such dramatic, personal and meaningful ways.

But the question and His answer still tugs at my heart, and again and again I went back to that point in His life- Jesus, the One the whole world had gone after, standing bound and helpless before them in the middle of the night, having been falsely accused and lied about, at the center of a false trial, whose only purpose was to lie and murder and had nothing to do with discovering the truth, or with justice.

And in the midst of all this, He stood there and when, at that pivotal point, He is asked openly to declare Himself, He does. He speaks the most powerful truth into that most dark of environments. And in response, Jesus got beaten, spit on and mocked. But nothing can diminish the truth, or tarnish it or change it. What is true, remains true.

That same night, before I had fallen asleep, I had thought of all the love He must be receiving and how maybe I was able to participate in bringing some worshipful adoration to Him and how much I love to do that- to bring others to Jesus, to love Him.

“I love You,” I whispered to Jesus, shyly.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny… My Jenny, Jesus replied, with great love and I could hear the smile in His voice.

I’ve been reading from the gospel of Matthew and into the gospel of Mark and many times, I have heard the anguish of Jesus, His grief and His frustration, all of which are borne of His love- the great burden of His burning, unrelenting love for His people. Because He loves them and they aren’t listening. Jesus is dropping the truth down before them like a huge stone and they are turning a blind eye to it. Jesus is standing before them, a great and shining light, and they are looking past Him, away from Him, anywhere but toward Him, and the more brightly Jesus shines and the more clearly the truth is revealed, the more desperate they are to destroy Him.

Sometimes I have stood in His arms, it seemed outside of the city, as He left Jerusalem, having done and said all that He could, with all that He did, and I felt the burning of His love and anguish, the burning of His grief, the pounding of His heart. How can words express the height and depth and intensity of His emotion?

February 19, 2016

I looked up at the pale blue sky outside of the dining room window and said in faith, “Thank You, for the perfect way in which this new trouble will work out.”

I’m bringing you through, Jesus replied.

February 21, 2016

The whole house deal fell through and we are back ten steps and have lost the contract on the house in Indiana. The good thing is, we already have a new potential buyer for the house in CO and hopefully a new realtor for this house and when they both sell, if the house in Indiana is still on the market, we can make a new contract which works better for us.

Keep thinking of the Israelites and how Pharaoh would say that he would let them go and then change his mind yet again and block their route and how this just led to another display of God’s greatness and how this must have gotten the Israelites all hopeful and then again, an obstacle, leading to a display of God’s greatness. So that’s the way I pray- thanking Jesus for the display of His will and power and grace through this process and I put all my faith in Him to bring us through.

Also thinking of how tempting it would be for the Israelites to dread leaving Egypt as much as to anticipate it and how much their emotions must have been mixed- they didn’t know where they were going, they didn’t know how to support themselves, they didn’t yet know who the Living God was, they didn’t really know Moses, they didn’t know how to be free. They were a wounded, battered, oppressed people who were being set free and no wonder they kept stumbling once they were free.

How powerful their example is. Each time I’m tempted to distrust Jesus and wonder about life in this new place, I put those doubts right aside! I’m not going to tempt the Living God and grieve His heart after He’s poured His grace and power and love out on me.

Was praying, "I will search for You with my whole heart- help me to search for You with my whole heart, Lord Jesus," and felt Him feed me something. I was praying that to Him yesterday, when I was in His arms. “Teach me to search for You with my whole heart, all my heart!” I said to His loving face, “inquiring of You and for You and yearning for You!”

That way, I take nothing for granted and I won’t fall asleep.

February 27, 2016

Thinking about how John the Baptist came preaching repentance and how Jesus pointed out that those who responded were prepared to receive the Word of Jesus when He came, but those who didn’t, rejected not just John, but later Jesus Himself- they were not prepared for Jesus when He came and couldn’t recognize Him or enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. Repentance is a necessary step to receiving Jesus when He comes.

They didn’t repent and they didn’t receive Jesus because they were already satisfied with their efforts, position, strategy. Jesus said blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be filled. Those who were hungry, humble and poor in spirit were filled with Jesus.

“You are so vulnerable with me!” I said to Jesus, later.

I trust you, Jesus replied.

February 28, 2016

“And I don’t want to be ashamed of my terrible judgements and bad attitude,” I continued, my shoulders drooping, feeling myself to be surrounded by a cloud of saints already passed through, who have perfect compassion, mercy and insight, and in their loving presence, I was seeing clearly how terribly my judgments were off and how very bad my attitude was sometimes, in the light and clarity of Heaven, so it behooves me always and at all times never to make judgments and always to be hopeful and grateful. I was feeling very small and overwhelmed and Jesus came closer to me and I breathed in the scent of His robe and I was sheltered and refreshed by His love and closeness.

March 1, 2016

Over the weekend, soaking in Jesus in every spare moment- a lot of the time when in the car. Yesterday,  a whole bunch of birds were on our back lawn. First robins, six or seven of them, which was charming, and then a whole flock of black birds, which made me pause, to see so many. But then, for some reason I didn't catch, they all soared up into the air with a coordinated rise and left the lawn. Then a cardinal came and ate. Merissa and I watched from the window.

The night after posting the blog, woke from a terrible nightmare where the whole house had been turned into a shrine to another god and I was confronting the person who had caused this to happen and they began to attack me with a terrible expression on their face. I was commanding them by the name of Jesus when I woke and continued to say the name of Jesus and to thank and praise Jesus for His protection and care of us and to read the Bible. Then, just as I had finished this, Keith was waking up and he also had had a nightmare, but this wasn’t frightening, because Jesus already prepared us, and it was easy to push the fear aside and to go back to sleep.

Many, many times tempted to be anxious, to anxiously apologize for the blog, for many misunderstandings that I worry might be arising from various things, but each time, Jesus reminded me that He had declared it perfect.

In fact, He had said, leave your phone, when I went downstairs to post it- because sometimes I leave notes in my phone of things that I want to add or take out as I think about it, and if I don't have my phone when I sit down finally to write, I often can't remember what they were.

I was praying the night before, when working on it, I was saying and tears were running down my face, “I know You are here! I know I will see You face to face and I will have to account for every word I’ve said! Who is sufficient for these things? Who? Certainly not myself and You know this! You know me! It must be You! It must be through and according to Your will and through Your Holy Spirit. So I am putting everything, every word, right square onto the Holy Spirit! Everything is Yours. Every bit of it. Everything must be aligned with Jesus or not in there at all and I am putting the whole of my trust in You to do that.”

“I’m worried I left something out…” I said to Him later.

Even though I said it was perfect? Jesus reminded me. When I am with Him, Jesus’ face is full of tender love and light, watching me with His pure eyes of love, drawing me close against His heart or resting His head down on my shoulder and closing His eyes.

“Because I’m not following something arbitrary and static, I’m following You,” I answered to Jesus, when He asked me to reiterate the lesson He had just taught me. “Although it’s harder this way,” I said to Him- obedience to Jesus Himself is a living obedience and one must be willing at all times to die to oneself and to follow Him wherever He leads and to trust in only Him.

But the rewards are richer, Jesus assured me.

March 4, 2016

Sending the blog out, filled with peace to say to Jesus, “Here, I’m giving this back to You! Thank You for everything which You’ve given me, for all that You have done for me! Now I am giving it away, I am giving it back to You with joy and love, to use as You will.”

March 5, 2016

Troubled by a thought I didn’t like after I considered it. “No I will not reproach them,” I declared, and I pushed the thought away, and dismissed it, which I am getting better and better at doing.

Realized it was the Holy Spirit who pointed out the thought to me, that it’s His conviction that helps keep my heart pure before God. Took His hand and kissed it and in gratitude, poured out my heart to Him in love- “Oh Holy Spirit of God, I thank You, thank You, thank You for keeping my heart pure, pure Holy Spirit of Truth, I depend on You, I trust You, I love You, I thank You,” I cried.

As I was saying this, was hit again, by an image, but again I dismissed it as nothing, as a non-existent thing and began to worship and praise and exult Jesus as Lord of Lords and Redeemer  and my Rock of Salvation and I was saying, “All those that were incensed against me have become as nothing, as a nonexistent thing because of You, Lord Jesus, and I praise You and worship You and I trust You. I will praise You for this in eternity and I am praising You for this right now!”

March 7, 2016

I have you, Jesus said, as I reached out to Him, first thing in the morning.

I dreamed about Him the night before last. I was with Jesus, but I knew it was only for a short time and then He had to leave. At the end of the dream, we were at a wood working shop, and He pointed out the craftsmanship of someone He knew from New Hampshire. It was a little wooden booth with carvings of grapes decorating the outside.

“When are You leaving?” I finally asked Him in the dream, because I thought it was maybe the next day or the next.

“Not until next Friday,” Jesus assured me and I threw my arms around Him in joy and relief. It was that feeling that I remembered the most- the thrill of realizing that Jesus was staying almost a week longer.

Handed Him the next current blog, because it is huge- the one of the inner rooms, for March 18.

You must trust Me, Jesus said strongly and clearly. So I have been doing that- letting go of all anxiety and concern and trusting Him like a rock.

“I don’t know much about that…” I said to Jesus, meaning about spiritual battles.

You win just by loving Me, Jesus assured me.

Jenny, I am with you, Jesus said, when hit by a wave of anxiety. Jesus is my anchor in the storm.

March 9, 2016

“Jesus, I miss You,” I whispered. Because there hasn’t been the anointing to see Him and be with Him for extended periods of time.

I felt Him reach down and take my hand. Sweetheart, I know, He said, with sympathy, but sight did not open up.

“Jesus, make it real to me!” I begged, in the morning.

I am always here, He replied.

March 13, 2016

Jenny, I’ve got you, Jesus has been saying to me a lot lately.

March 14, 2016

Been quite dry lately, but today finally had a deep down and gorgeous encounter with Jesus- it began yesterday night and has yet to end. Each time I can focus all myself on Him, I am drawn back into it. I want to explain this as clearly as possible now, because most of my current blog posts will be containing many of these types of encounters, and I don't want to cause anyone to stumble or to misunderstand them-

Each time, I open my heart to Jesus, to the fact that He is with me always, even to the end of the age, and that Jesus makes His dwelling within me through His Holy Spirit and that my spirit and His Holy Spirit are joined, and that His Holy Spirit searches out the deep things of God, and so, in my spirit, I can sink down into Jesus and by faith, I can speak to Him and be with Jesus as though He were still on the earth- because it’s still His same Holy Spirit.

I receive Jesus in a spiritual revelation that is precious to me and is of the Lord Jesus, but is not, of course, a part of His actual, historical life. It's hidden deep within the Holy Spirit, where Jesus pours out His heart to me and manifests Himself to me.

He's always the same Jesus, and so I can love on Jesus then, but love on Him now, because Jesus is the One who is and was and is to come. I don’t know how to explain this, but I just pour out love on Jesus as though He were then and He receives it, even though He receives it now, and I see this as though I were there, but I must make my whole soul (mind, will and emotions) quiet and still and surrender to the Holy Spirit in great trust, and to tell myself repeatedly that when I ask my Papa for the Holy Spirit, who reveals Jesus to me, that I will receive the Living Bread of Heaven, and not a stone.

Sometimes I receive nothing that I can see clearly, but I persist, because I long for Jesus and I know He is always with me and that He is faithful and true. I persist day after day, any time I have time to focus on Him that deeply, until Jesus grants this to me, and then I soak it in.

I was with Jesus in Capernaum, when He returned from going around, proclaiming the Kingdom of God and doing good, and He came and took me in His arms and He was speaking to me, His voice a peaceful, quiet whisper in my ear, where we were hidden in the room and He was telling me that He must go up to Jerusalem and be betrayed into the religious leaders and given to the Gentiles to be beaten, mocked and spit upon and to be crucified and that on the third day, He would rise again.

It was shocking to hear Jesus say such horrific things so quietly, with such settled peace and certainty. The contrast between the peace that fills Him and the horror of what He was saying was great. But His peace held me still, and because I know His life already, and because I have the example of His disciples, I knew what not to say- although that was the first thing that leapt to mind!

Instead, I held my tongue until I could get the proper response, and it came to me suddenly.

"You will rise again?" I asked.

On the third day.

"And then You will never again leave?"

Never again, and no one will take away your joy.

He went out to pray. When the cock crowed, I went to the kitchen and got some food and went quickly to the gates of the city and met Jesus as He was walking back. I handed Him the grapes. His heart was in His eyes as He held the cluster of grapes in His hand.

We walked almost to Bethany at the top of the hill, and then stopped and Jesus sent some ahead for the colt and He turned then and looked at me out of the crowd, the meeting of His eyes leaping up in me with recognition like lightening, His face full of love, and Jesus said to me simply, go.

“Yes, Lord,” I said and went immediately after them to the village, and I remained with them all the rest of the day until He returned.

Then I asked Him, as a good disciple does, “What did the Rabbi do today? Tell me all He did and said.” And Jesus told me, in His own words and I treasured each one, listening with my whole heart to Him, seeing what He is saying.

Seeing Him in Zacchaeus' house, teaching them and knowing that He loves me and I belong to Him and He is beautiful and all I want is to be close to Him all the time, and I will have Him forever.

I love you, you give Me courage, He said, when I listened.

Thinking of how He was betrayed to the Gentiles… the Romans! Those who do not know God, who are rough, violent, pagan- Roman soldiers, seared through by repeated, blunt violence, drunk on power, on domination. Betrayed to them, the beloved Rabboni! The Anointed, the long awaited Messiah, pure, chaste and modest, gentle and holy, wholly given to God. It was horrifying.

I held Yeshua close in my arms and breathed a prayer to Abba to remember- courage! Remember the glory, which Jesus had told me, because that is what He does- how He stood on the edge of that terror, in that night, stood there and looked right across the chasm of His Passion and His cross, looking straight to His Father and said with perfect trust, "Father,  the hour has come. Glorify Your son, that You might be glorified in Him. Now I am coming to You!"

So pushing the horror aside, I  also prayed in faith, "Father, glorify Your Son, that You might be glorified in Him…” And Jesus lifted His head and looked at me with His depthless eyes of gentle, pure and undefended love. “I can go with You even there…" I said to Him, because it was all I could offer Him in that moment. "Because this is through the Holy Spirit, so I can. If I were really with You, I would run away and fail You just as they did… Oh Jesus, You are merciful! So merciful and gracious! I worship You for Your mercy, for Your forgiveness and gentle love, Lord! When we let You down, You never let us down! Your love continues on. But because of the Holy Spirit, I can stay all the way through…”

Yes, all the way through, Jenny, Jesus answered.


Grace to us and peace from God our Father.

 We give thanks to Abba,
the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, as we pray always-

Asking that we may all be filled with
the full, deep and clear knowledge of Your will, Lord Jesus,
with all spiritual wisdom
and comprehensive insight
into the ways and purposes of God,
and in understanding and discernment of spiritual things—

So that we may walk, live and conduct ourselves
in a manner worthy of You, Lord Jesus through Your Holy Spirit,
fully pleasing to You
and desiring to please You, Lord Jesus, in all things,
bearing fruit in every good work
and steadily growing and increasing in and by
the knowledge of God
with fuller, deeper, and clearer
insight, acquaintance, and recognition of You.

We pray that we may be
invigorated and strengthened with all power
according to the might of Your glory-

to exercise every kind of endurance and patience,
perseverance and forbearance with joy,

Giving thanks to the Father,
Who has qualified and made us fit
to share the portion which is the inheritance of the saints,
God’s holy people, in the Light.

(Prayer taken from Colossians 1:2-3, 9-12 AMPC)