Last night, I lazily read my way around the Bible.
I started,
randomly, in Proverbs and then flipped to Revelation, where I got scared to
death.
I read this:
"Now out
of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And
He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress
of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God."
-Revelation 19:15
At first, I
felt like cheering for joy- Jesus Himself will express the wrath of His
Father! How marvelous! How fitting! And then I got terror stricken and
withdrew myself from Him.
Aren't we friends? Jesus asked me tenderly. I felt His presence as though He were bending over me, His hand on my shoulder. Don’t I love you, and you Me?
"Yes!"
I wanted to cry... "But no," I finished, miserably. "I can't
be... not with that You, with eyes of fire and a robe dipped in blood and a
secret name. That You doesn't want me! How could You? I'm miserably
unworthy."
It was as
though that vision of Jesus meant He was furious, implacable and unapproachable, and that this was the real Jesus all along, and the rest of the time in the Gospels, when Jesus was full of forgiveness and grace, meek and humble, was just not really a permanent part of His character.
Jesus said: I'm always the same Jesus, and there is a
harmony of meaning in the Bible.
Then Jesus
reminded me of one of my favorite Psalms, ever:
"You are
fairer than the sons of men;
Grace is
poured upon Your lips;
Therefore God
has blessed You forever.
Gird Your
sword upon Your thigh, O Mighty One,
With Your
glory and Your majesty.
And in Your
majesty ride prosperously because of truth, humility, and righteousness;
And Your
right hand shall teach You awesome things.
Your arrows
are sharp in the heart of the King’s enemies;
The peoples
fall under You.
Your throne,
O God, is forever and ever;
A scepter of
righteousness is the scepter of Your kingdom.
You love
righteousness and hate wickedness;
Therefore
God, Your God, has anointed You
With the oil
of gladness more than Your companions."
-Psalm 45:2-7
-Psalm 45:2-7
Only Jesus
would ride forth because of truth, righteousness and humility. Only the humble
Son of God, who waited like a disciple for the voice of His Father and finishes
all His work, would ride forth in that way.
And His
speech is full of grace, and He is anointed not just with the Spirit of God
without limit, but also with gladness- with joy.
He is joyful,
humble, and loving, and His Father has exulted His name above all names- it is
that Jesus who treads His Father's wine press, with eyes of fire.
"They shall see His face..." echoed in my head, over and over again, the ringing
of great bells, heard from far away.
But my soul
was still vibrating with fear, so Jesus suggested I read some of John.
"Where
in John?" I asked, feeling comforted already.
The Good Shepherd passage, He said.
"Isn't
that chapter 10?" I asked, flipping through.
It was.
So I flipped
over to John and read chapter 10, reassured by the lovely litany of Jesus
saying, "I..."
"I am authorized and have power to lay My life down, and to take it up again. No one takes it from Me."
Soothed, I
fell asleep. I was peacefully lost in dreams of Jesus- thinking about grace and
salvation and living waters when I got woken up in time for New Year's Eve.
Today, I woke
up exhausted and completely drained. Whenever I feel this way, my first
and very strong instinct is to hide myself from Jesus, both because I feel
unworthy and also because I want to indulge in my bad mood and fly freely off the
handle, however I want to.
So, when I
opened the French doors and saw the cloudy sky, and felt Jesus there with me still, I
felt almost a sense of resignation, as well as a desperate sense
of relief. As I was making breakfast, I felt Jesus put His arms
around me, His face against mine.
I stood stock
still and took in a long, deep breath. I felt my spirit expand into
peace. I keep
forgetting that it is at these times that I need His love the most.
"I don't
know what to do," I told Jesus, in exhaustion. "I have nothing left
to get me through."
He reminded
me that I only must do this thing one day at a time, and that eventually, all
this about myself that frustrated me, that falls disappointingly short of everything that I want to be for Him, all this chaff will fall off me, and also, one day, I will be free of this earthly perspective and will
see everything from its true perspective.
I tried to watch TV, but my attention span for such things is almost zero now. I can't stick with it, most of it seems garish, awful and unnecessary.
I tried to watch TV, but my attention span for such things is almost zero now. I can't stick with it, most of it seems garish, awful and unnecessary.
I switched to
Netflix and tried watching this documentary that I had really, really enjoyed
watching only a couple months ago and I couldn't stomach it. It was
depressing and awful to me.
I ended up
watching a documentary called Sweetgrass, about sheep ranchers up in Montana.
It was just my speed- no narration, just long, still shots and no background
music, only the actual sounds. It had a strong impact.
I went outside, with my book, and sat by the pool. My spirit eased into sun and the fresh air and the sight of the bare branches against the pale sky. I felt again the presence of Jesus.
I went outside, with my book, and sat by the pool. My spirit eased into sun and the fresh air and the sight of the bare branches against the pale sky. I felt again the presence of Jesus.
I know He is
always there, and I am realizing more and more that it is I myself that shut
down the fellowship with Him. I am learning also that I can seek Him out in the
silence.
Eventually, I
went inside.
"Thank
you," I said to Him. "This was so nice."
I’m going inside with you, Jesus reminded me, with loving humor.
"Thank
you," I replied, fervently, for the reminder that He is always with me.
January 2, 2012 His Glory
No matter how
much of Jesus I have, I always end up wanting more. I have, for the most part,
given up wondering why this is. It just is. I no longer question this longing,
I just abandon myself to it.
Yesterday,
after my exhausted day, I landed in bed, drained and miserable. I knew where I
wanted to read- the last half of the psalms- the psalms of ascents, which are
beautiful. I've been reading those a great deal, lately.
I read this:
"I cry
out to the Lord with my voice;
With my voice
I make my supplication.
I pour out my
complaint before Him;
I declare
before Him all my trouble."
-Psalm 142:1-2
Reading this
gave me the courage I needed to do the same. I poured out my heart before Him.
I cried out to Jesus. I cried out His name, again and again.
I begged Jesus
to be with me ever more closely, and to be able to hear His voice even more
clearly. I told Him over and over again that I had no good thing apart from Him
and that He was my God. I wanted nothing but Jesus, I wanted Him in everything.
"I can't
do this life without You!" I complained to Jesus. "There's no point in
being alive without You. I must have You. You are everything to me- my very
breath, my being and all that is good. If I must be in this life, then I must
have You."
I told Jesus
that I wanted to go deeper into Him, to fall even further into my God and into
knowledge of Him- for knowledge of the Father and of Jesus His Christ is, I
reminded Him, life everlasting -is Life itself- and He Himself said so.
You want to see Me, Jesus said. It was not a question; He
was clarifying my desire for me. As I had been speaking to Him and as He said
this, it was as though Jesus were standing in the doorway.
The words
just poured out of me; I pounded the bedspread- "Yes, yes, yes! I want to
see You! To actually see You! But also to see You in everything around me, to
see You in Your creation and in the people around me and in the Bible and in my
life. I want to know You better, I want You!"
When I had
poured out everything there was within me, I lay back on the pillows, drained
but at peace. I felt the loving presence of Jesus come swiftly close to me- as
though I were in His arms. He held my face in His hands. He picked up my hand in His.
You are My glory, Jesus said.
I recoiled in
shock and dismay. "Why do You persist in saying that stuff to me?" I
cried. "You know it can't be true! Why do You do that to me? How can I
trust You when You keep saying really shocking things to me?"
He brought to
my mind three different passages. The first was this:
"All
[things that are] Mine are Yours, and all [things that are] Yours belong to Me;
and I am glorified in (through) them. [They have done Me honor; in them My
glory is achieved.]"
-John 17:10,
Amplified Bible
The second
was this:
"In Him
also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the
purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, that
we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory.
"In Him
you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your
salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit
of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the
purchased possession, to the praise of His glory."
-Ephesians
1:11-14, NKJV
The last one
was this:
"You
shall also be a crown of glory
In the hand
of the LORD,
And a royal
diadem
In the hand
of your God."
-Isaiah 62:3
I sat back
against my pillows, stunned.
"Why do
You tell me these things?" I asked Him, weakly. "Aren't You afraid
I'm going to get a big head and become spiritually arrogant? I might end up
walking around saying to myself, all day long, "Ha! I am a part of the
glory of God!"
I do want you to walk around remembering that, He said, smiling. I never want you to forget it. And as far as
your character, that is My work. I perfect you.
(I want to add something here, because usually when Jesus speaks, I receive both the words He is saying, and a deeper meaning around them as well- the larger context in which they are to be understood.
(We are supposed to always remember this! It's our new identity, it's who we are, it forms our mission, it frames our understanding of who we are and what we do.
(We are supposed to always remember this! It's our new identity, it's who we are, it forms our mission, it frames our understanding of who we are and what we do.
(We can't keep our eyes anxiously on the making of our own personal perfection, because we won't know where we are going, because we are always going to be looking at ourselves, and we will end up walking into shame and failure, or success and pride, and neither of those reflect Jesus.
(But as we look toward Jesus and grow in understanding of Him, we begin to grow in His likeness over time, through the inward working of the Holy Spirit. This involves suffering, sometimes a great deal of suffering and most certainly will involve a painful growth of humility, and will require tenacity, but that tenacity is simply that of getting up again and taking His hand and looking at Jesus again.
(Any motivation less than love won't make it all the way through. Fortunately, we move progressively through this process, Jesus reveals more and more of His heart to us, causing our love for Him to grow and increase, and we begin to prize Him increasingly.)
January 2nd Quote
When I was
seventeen, I drew a sketch of myself sitting in a wing chair in my room. In the
sketch, I am holding a book in one hand, but it has fallen to the arm of the
chair, forgotten. My head is turned to look out the window and there is a look
of dawning wonder on my face.
Leaning over
the chair is a messenger. He has a long feather in his cap. He is bending
forward and whispering into my ear.
Across the
top and bottom of the page, I wrote some lines from the 45th Psalm:
"Listen,
O daughter,
Consider and
incline your ear;
Forget your
own people also, and your father’s house;
So the King
will greatly desire your beauty..."
I drew that
less than a year after I had written "I was created just to please
God," in my blog. In that diary entry, I copied a quote that had captured
my attention, that I had found in a footnote in C.S. Lewis's That Hideous
Strength:
"To
desire the desiring of her own beauty is the vanity of Lilith, but to desire
the enjoying of her own beauty is the obedience of Eve... As obedience is the
stairway to pleasure..."
January 3, 2012
I feel
conflicted about my blog.
After about three
months of talking persistently and outrageously about Jesus, I have about five
readers left. I wish I could say that I was deeply spiritual and above it all and
that this doesn't touch me, but I can't lie. I feel sad about this.
I wonder,
should I have talked about Him less? Should I have hidden the way in which I
know Him? If I go on talking about Jesus in the way I do, will I end up merely
talking to myself, in a big empty space?
This whole
walking by faith thing can be very unsatisfactory at times. How's that for an
understatement?
I woke up
this morning to a quiet house. I drank it in. I wandered around in a sort of
happy bliss, taking in the stillness, the silence, the calm blue light of dawn.
The windows drew me on every side, with their vistas of a light filled
landscape, pale blues and ambers and silver tipped grasses lit up like torches
by the rising sun.
I woke up
hungry for Jesus. My hunger for Him never ebbs. Almost, I have resigned myself
to this fact. Sometimes still I wonder why this is- why I am never satisfied,
why I always want more, and deeper and more present.
Then I
realize that the answer doesn't matter, anyway. What matters is that it is
true. So I cried out to Jesus and begged
Him and poured out my heart to Him and He opened my heart to His presence, and
I drank it in like the light.
Then I
flipped over my little calendar and read this:
"O Lord,
You have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know what I am
going to say even before I say it, Lord. You both precede and follow me. You
place Your hand of blessing on my head."
-Psalm 139:1,
4-5