Yesterday, I read a short blog about a woman giving birth. There was a picture of the young woman standing beside the ocean. It was simply of her belly, and then there were a few lines describing the birth. The mother was described as a warrior and stronger than she knew.
I was sitting there and then I was crying, just like that. I had this unexpected moment of clarity about my anxiety and shame. I remembered again why I feel broken and dry, absurd and childish.
It's not just tied up in my memories of repeated sexual abuse from before I could talk to grade school, the memories ready, at a moment's notice to twist my self-identity back to what I learned so early, the feelings of shame and brokenness are now because of my womb, my flesh and blood. I didn't just learn shame and worthlessness as a girl. I learned it all over again as a woman.
No wonder I
feel so outside of the world, so strange. I'm not passing down through all
those same channels, not passing by the same landmarks. I'm off somewhere in
some field, a grab bag of broken pieces, watching the clouds.
My body won't
catch life like a little spark, and warmly shelter it. I'll never know how
strong I could have been, in that arena.
I comfort
myself with the thought that we will adopt, and I will be a mother, regardless,
but I can't seem to stay emotionally connected to this. It doesn't seem real.
It feels like we'll be in the adoption process indefinitely- all this year and
all next year. There's nothing but this tunnel.
As far as I
know, we are waiting only on Colorado's background checks to come through. They
sent us back the paperwork. Between the time we had sent it, and the time they
received it, their fees went up by three dollars.
Some
bureaucrat in the state of Colorado picked up their blue Bic pen, crossed out
the printed fee of thirty dollars, hand wrote in thirty three dollars, stapled
pink sheets to the forms, and mailed them back.
So
that set us back two weeks, all for six dollars total. Spend it well, Colorado,
spend it well. And who
knows, maybe there is something else we are missing. Our homestudy agent keeps
asking for more medical information on Keith.
I sent her
his entire medical record and pages and pages of lab results. If she wants to
know more about Keith's health, she is going to have to ask God, because we're
tapped out.
Surely this
process must end. Surely the reason why I haven't heard from her is because she
is satisfied with the latest installment of my husband's medical information.
A soldier
from Keith's old company texted him a picture of his new baby girl. She was
adorable with these chubby cheeks, huge dark eyes and dark curls held back with
a ribbon. It didn't hurt to see the picture. It was a little reminder of what
waits at the end of this process.
September 6,
2012
Yesterday
evening, I was sitting outside by the pool, marinating in melancholy. (How's
that for an opening sentence?) It was almost a pleasant melancholy, the sort
that fall inspires so often.
At first, the
setting sun was lighting up all the leaves from underneath, so they were rich
gold under and thick green on top, and this swath of gold shot almost
horizontally through the grove of trees toward the low hills at the east. The sun
set and everything was blue and green, and then mostly blue.
I was sitting
there thinking about how stressful everything is right now, and how the stress
has been unrelenting- pressing down and pressing down, and how it is wearing
Keith and I down as if it were a grinding stone.
For some
reason, maybe some sweet scent in the evening air, I remembered feeling exactly
like that even when I was fifteen or sixteen, only at that time, my anxieties
and stresses were based on completely different things.
This was a
comforting thought. I remembered the critically important thing to remember at
all times: life is difficult.
Life is
difficult, but in my experience, it only approaches intolerable when one has
gotten hold of the wrong idea that it wasn't supposed to be like that. Then one
wonders what is wrong with oneself, that one's life is actually not like a bowl
of cherries at all.
Sitting
there, I had a sudden inclination to dig out my old journal from those early
days, so when I went into the bedroom, I pulled the tattered, spiral-bound
notebook out of its hiding place and crawled into bed to read it.
And what did
I read upon first opening the page, but an enumeration of my internal suffering, which I
had, for the first time ever, dared to scrawl upon a page. And there were pages
of it. I dared even to be outrageously angry at God, in that first journal
entry.
I was in awe
of my boldness, my emotional authenticity. Apparently, so was I when I was
writing the journal. In fact, I can remember writing it, and how I trembled,
and how I didn't want to stop, because once I stopped, I would have to face God
after having written all those horrible things about Him. I didn't even end the
journal on a positive note. No, not at all.
However, a few days after that, I must have read, for the first time, The Scent of Water by Elizabeth
Gouge. I copied several quotes about suffering, and thereafter, scattered all throughout
the journal, I have written, somewhat enigmatically:
By which I
meant, I will suffer. I will walk into the heart of this journey, this lesson, this sacrifice. As far as I can tell,
that was the first time I learned that lesson, the lesson I would be
relearning, in one way or another, all my life.
September 13,
2012 Telling Stories
I keep reading
awesome blog posts where the authors are writing passionately about things- good
things, great things, and I think, should I also be writing passionately about some
things?
I got to
feeling so guilty about it that I had ask Jesus about it- should I be... I
don't even know. Louder.
Jesus keeps
assuring me that everyone has their part to play, and they don't all look the
same, but they all reflect a part of who He is. I am a quiet part, and that is
okay for me.
I
remembered a few other times when I struggled with this sort of self-doubt. I
remembered last fall, first realizing the mind-bloggling array of ways in which
people followed, served and loved Jesus- the complexities of their different
doctrines, anecdotes, stories, metaphors, religious books.
It was
overwhelming. When I offered this up to Jesus, He was quite firm. He said not to
wonder about how other people were with Him- that was between Himself and them.
As for me, I must keep my eyes on Him; He was enough for me.
It's kind of
like that C.S Lewis quote- that we can only know our own story. We don't know the
other person's story. We come to God as ourselves.
I remembered
another time, when I was completely awed at another person's ability to
describe God using logic. That was humbling. My bumbling, vague, emotional
rendering of God seemed, in contrast, so not useful to anyone else, possibly
even off-putting.
"I can't
glorify You using logical arguments," I pointed out to Him, guiltily.
That's okay, Jesus said with His good natured humor. You're not a member of My debate team.
That is
actually what Jesus said. It made me laugh out loud. I was walking in the park
when this was happening.
"You
mean, I haven't majored in Apologetics?" I asked Him, daring to extend the
little inside joke.
Just so, He
said, warmly. I walked on a little further, and then He asked tenderly, Who are
you to Me?
I knew right
away the answer Jesus wanted.
"I'm
Your dove, Your dove in the clefts of the rock," I answered, though it
made me shy to say it right out like that.
Just so, He
said, and that was that.
I'm still not
sure if Jesus was serious about actually having a debate team, or if He was
just making a point. I suspect He was just making a point. He did have a
tendency to make points using illustrations.
But I bet in
a sense Jesus does; those are the people who are making excellent
and well thought out and much needed points, who are clarifying the issues.
Sometimes I
wonder what exactly the point of being me is. I seem superfluous in His plan. I
don't seem to have a raison d'etre. I mean, what good are doves? They're large,
soft and messy. They don't earn their keep.
But wait a
moment. Sometimes doves carry messages- little messages, usually meant for only
one person at a time. They are used by lovers and by people in the middle of a
battlefield somewhere. They carry necessary information, encouragement,
clarification- all of this goes on sort of under the radar.
The point is,
doves carry messages from one person to another person. They are quiet
missives. And, actually, I find myself doing a fair amount of that sort of
thing. No one would
ever know, because they aren't public messages, they are personal. They are
tailored to whom I am speaking.
I am always
flying out from the clefts of the Rock, because I am so frequently hiding out
there. I always return there, because I am a dove and that's what I do. He
feeds me, what can I say. I know a good thing when I find it.
According to
Wikipedia, doves are capable of homing, but only over short distances. So long
as it is a short distance, they will always know very well how to find their
way back home, although they may get distracted by a predator.
Hm. That
sounds familiar.
"I
almost got lost on the way," I told Jesus one night, after a brief
struggle with condemnation that had almost kept me from resting in Him.
I knew where you were, He said tenderly.
And doves are
symbols of peace. That sounds familiar too. Another time
I was walking along, minding my own business, listening to the song, "How
Beautiful are the feet of those who Preach the Gospel of Peace," from
Handel's Messiah.
It was a
sunny day, I was enjoying the quiet presence of Jesus, who seemed to be beside
me, and all around me, and within me, and within the music, and shining off the
leaves and moving with the wind.
Then, into
all this peace, He spoke. You are one of those who preach the
Gospel of peace, and your feet are beautiful to Me, He said.
I was
horrified. He could not have said a worse thing to me, for several reasons.
One, I couldn't believe that He would mention my feet. But worse was
this awful idea of my preaching anything at all. I was pretty sure that I had
not been preaching and I had absolutely no intention of ever preaching
anything.
So I brushed
this whole message right away- I pushed it right away. I refused to consider
it.
I walked on.
Then I began
to get this sinking feeling.
I began to
wonder if there could be any truth at all in what I had just heard. Of course,
I thought of the story of Jesus washing His disciples feet. It was obvious that
He did not have a problem with feet. In the Song of Songs, the Beloved actually
points out how beautiful are the girl's feet in sandals.
The sinking
feeling got worst.
I thought,
"Oh my goodness, I was rude! I was rude to God! Oh dear."
Then I
thought about my blogs, and how, over and over again, I had actually been
talking about Jesus, and who He is and who we were in Him. I had been preaching
peace, a peaceful rest in Him, quite unconsciously, simply by talking about the
things I was learning or thinking about.
"I'm
sorry," I told Him, in a very small voice. "And thank You for... about my feet."
It was as
though Jesus put His arm around my shoulder and drew me up close to Him, and we
walked along together, like comrades in arm.
So, when I
think about it, there are lots of reasons for me to simply be myself, even if I
am a quiet one- Someone's dove, a quiet murmur of peace.
September 18,
2012
This month is
flying by. It's disconcerting.
I love
September, and it's already half gone and October will slide by just as quickly
and then boom, it's Thanksgiving and then Christmas and then everyone is
exhausted, hungover and never wanting to see another Christmas ornament again
for the rest of their life.
Except for
those neighbors that never take theirs down.
Anyway,
September is half gone, and we haven't heard from our adoption homestudy agent.
I sent her an e-mail this morning, wondering where we were in the process.
Surely we are
towards the end. The year is sliding by and I'm starting to feel the pinch of it.
We have to get this show on the road, who knows how long it will be before
we're matched with a birthmother.
The nightmare
scenario is that we'll be matched at the same time the Army moves us to another
post. It's not a deal breaker exactly but it does mean we'll have to do the
homestudy all over again in another state, and in a massive hurry.
I keep
remembering our homestudy agent lifting her hand in the air and snapping her
fingers. "You'll be matched like that," she said, with the easy
confidence of twenty years’ experience. That seems too much to hope for, but it
has happened like that.
Yesterday,
Keith opened the door to the nursery, in order to store something in there. He
paused in the doorway.
"Hey,
this is a nice room," he said, surprised by the sight of it. I sometimes
forget that it's there, too. It's part of surviving the process.
Mothers are getting younger and younger, have you noticed? They are beautiful in their young strength, those mothers. They are an entirely different generation from mine. They were in grade school when I was in high school; they were below the radar, running around in ponytails and now they are populating the world and looking stylish and beautiful at the same time.
Mothers are getting younger and younger, have you noticed? They are beautiful in their young strength, those mothers. They are an entirely different generation from mine. They were in grade school when I was in high school; they were below the radar, running around in ponytails and now they are populating the world and looking stylish and beautiful at the same time.
As for me, I
have been hollowed out and polished thin. Persistent longing has worn me down
and softened all my edges, like water that runs and runs over stone, wearing it
as smooth as silk.
God has some
mysterious inspiration in mind for the shape of me. He keeps me always on the
wheel, spinning me out, elongating me, pulling and smoothing the edges.
I wonder
sometimes that I don't hate Him for this. Why wouldn't I? Isn't He my jailer,
isn't He the rock wall behind which hides all the treasure I desire, treasure
He is storing up and jealously guarding, unwilling to let even the one good
thing fall from His fingers into my empty lap?
But I find
that I can't. I trust Him too much.
Where did this trust come from? It doesn't make any sense. Maybe the pleasure of being in His hands is greater, in its own way, than the answered desire.
Where did this trust come from? It doesn't make any sense. Maybe the pleasure of being in His hands is greater, in its own way, than the answered desire.
Anyway, how
much do I suffer, really? Sooner or later, there will be a baby. I must simply
be in the process and it will come about. God is weaving the brokenness of my
life into the brokenness of someone else's; I am being woven into the larger
picture.
And He does
open His hands and treasures are constantly tumbling out. There is the blue of
my husband's eyes as he looks at me shyly from under his ball cap, the
warmth of his shoulders under the soft cotton shirt. There are all
the colors hidden behind my cupboard doors; I open them and my eyes are filled
with the glow of orange, green, red and yellows.
We went to a
small town rodeo on Saturday night. We sat on the metal bleachers and watched
the cowboys get tossed out onto the soft Georgia soil, their hats spinning
away.
There was one
horse, he was cream and white and wild and he kicked his rider off in a fury of
offended dignity and then went surging and plunging by the fence, still
kicking, still tossing his fierce head.
"Oh no,
you won’t," I knew he cried. "How dare you dream! I'll toss you all
off!"
That stallion
was also my gift. As he went thundering by, my spirit rose up in fierce joy
with him.
Everything in
that moment got all tangled up in joy: the evening sky that was melting into
night and the hazy wooded hills and restless crowd, the children huddled in
rows near the fence like sparrows, wide eyed and chattering, all the lights
high up on the poles shining down onto the tossed soil, the gleaming chaps of
the cowboys, their faces shadowed under the broad brims of their hats.
Maybe that's
why I trust Jesus. He's the only one that can take me in His hands and spin me into shape without
breaking my spirit.
September 19,
2012 Unpublished
I'd been
thinking about something last night. I'd been thinking about how people who
were very close to God were so very often vividly themselves, sometimes to the
point of eccentricity.
I see this in
the Bible and in history and also around me. The world is full of zany,
eccentric individuals who almost glow from the sheer goodness of God. They are
simply themselves and they no longer fit in anywhere but in God. I think I'm
becoming one of them.
So last night, I was talking about this with God.
"I'm not
ready to display that sort of love, in my writing or in my life. It seems too
scary, too risky, to be that much myself," I confessed to Jesus.
Then simply write about Love, He suggested, with His usual
lovingkindness.
"Yes...
of course, love,' I answered, thoughtfully. "But how? How does one
actually capture or demonstrate Your love? How does one live it out?"
By simply being who you are, you
demonstrate a living trust in My love,
Jesus answered. Others will see it, and
reach out in longing for a similar foundation for themselves. They will dare to
be loved more deeply.
"Ah
ha!" I said. "That makes sense, but I'm on to You! I happen to know
that we've just come full circle, and You are pointing out that I should do the very thing I was reluctant to do at the first."
*
"How beautiful and delightful on the mountains
Are the feet of him who brings good news,
Who announces peace,
Who brings good news of good [things],
Who announces salvation,
Who says to Zion, “Your God reigns!”
-Isaiah 52:7
*
"How beautiful and delightful on the mountains
Are the feet of him who brings good news,
Who announces peace,
Who brings good news of good [things],
Who announces salvation,
Who says to Zion, “Your God reigns!”
-Isaiah 52:7