After a confusing start, when I finally got in the chair, and said, without words, "Here I am," Jesus said, I'm glad you're here.
I was tempted to get up and do something else, and asked for forgiveness for my inability to love Him even a fraction of what He deserves. I was quite ashamed of this, and I wanted to stay away in order to avoid facing Jesus, but I cannot hide such things.
In the midst of this, Jesus reminded me that He has veiled His glory so as to make choosing Him an actual choice- in the fullness of His glory, worship will be inescapable. But He has humbled Himself so that we have the gift of choosing Him, which is precious and meaningful to Him.
I threw my arms around Jesus and declared, "I choose You! Thank You for allowing me to give You this gift!"
December 21, 2016
"I get up again." That is what I say to Jesus when I find that my attention has wandered, or my longing has ebbed- I pull myself up and back to Him regardless, because that is how I can offer the choice to love Him as a gift. Sometimes, that is almost all I do for the bulk of the time, unable to see Jesus but knowing He is there.
December 22, 2016
I waited in the quiet, and saw His face, full of tenderness, composed and quiet. Knowing this sight in His invitation and open door, I went and curled up in His arms and leaned against Jesus and confessed all that came up, so as to be rid of it.
Rested in Him again during the day, and was talking to Jesus about this. "How foolish to think one can hide anything from You! I can hide nothing from my Creator," I confessed, with abandoned trust.
Nor should you, Jesus said, smiling.
December 23, 2016
When I finally could rest, Jesus rested Himself in my arms immediately.
"I listen, I listen," I said to Jesus, making my whole self still so that I can be receptive to any way in which Jesus wishes to come to me or call to me, which He does by giving me a glimpse of Him, and then I know where He is. Or I sense His presence, and I know the same, and I cherish that and accept and continue listening, each time accepting with trust and cherishing with love what He gives of Himself.
This causes my wonder and worship to increase at Jesus being with me, until the presence of Jesus is close to overwhelming, and I am seeing in an almost continuous way, giving and receiving love and presence in a flowing, intoxicating way, though my set time with Jesus does not always reach those heights of joy.
"What a priceless privilege to choose to worship You when it erroneously appears boring!" I declared to Him, when His presence was not strongly felt. "How wrong that is and how much You have veiled Yourself in order to give me the chance to make that choice! I choose You!"
My precious one, My heart, Jesus whispered.
Saw a strong, up close image of two hands , one holding a smooth, thick piece of wax and one a heart shaped punch cut out. The heart shape was pressed into the wax, slowly and surely, which would leave a heart shaped hole deep into the center of the wax, and a heart shaped piece inside the tool, just like a cookie cutter would, only much thicker. I didn't see the hand pull the cutter out. I saw this as though through golden light like honey.
After seeing this, I returned to Jesus as I normally do, and asked Him, "Are You giving me gifts (of a different kind of spiritual sight)?"
I'm giving you gifts, He confirmed.
December 25, 2016
Immediately caught up into His presence, but with many distractions. I had to keep getting up and returning my thoughts to Jesus as an act of worship. Saw His face come into clear view, smiling at me, knowing me.
"I confess, my flesh is weak and I cannot love You as You deserve- but I can keep getting back up!" I cried. "I can do that."
Precious Jenny! Jesus said, holding me close.
"It's by faith," I reminded myself, reaching for and finding Jesus, having been pulled away by another distracting thought, and filled with love to discover myself with Jesus.
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, He said, lovingly.
"I love You," I told Him intently, touching gently His face, His face that was bruised and beaten. "I love You." Jesus holds Himself very still to receive- in the same way I listen for His love, He also listens to my love for Him.
Mary could turn to the servants and involve Jesus even though He had just told her it wasn't yet His time, because she knew Jesus- she knew His compassionate heart. She knew Him from long experience. She knew from being His mother what the Gentile woman must have known very quickly by faith, despite His telling her that it is not right for the bread for children to be given to the pets- she saw His heart of compassion and pressed for her request anyway.
Her request has such faith that it holds a prophetic picture of Jesus as the Living Bread of heaven being first offered as the Messiah to His own people, and then being broken on the cross and being offered to the nations. Her request went right through what was seen to what was going to be given. When Jesus fed the multitudes, all the crumbs were gathered up so that nothing was wasted, and nothing was.
Jesus granted both their requests, praising the Gentile woman and no doubt giving His beloved mother a look of warm, good humored love before telling the servants what to do- looking at her with the kind of love that is deeply grounded in intimate, long standing relationship. He didn't praise His mother's faith in words because He didn't have to; He knew her faith and she knew His love.
"Open my eyes to see the beauty of Your corporate bride!"
You must see it by faith.
"Well, that I know how to do!" That is pretty much all my training, the training of seeing and walking by faith. I can look past short comings and anything else, and refuse to judge or pass sentence by those things, and see her beauty by eyes of faith- faith in the perfect work and faithfulness of Jesus, who will finish all His work, because of His name's sake. This opened my eyes to Jesus' authority and dropped me into wonder that I could be in His presence at all.
"Can it be, You with me, You who are head of all Your church?"
Expand your faith, Jesus commanded.
"For there is one Father and one Lord Jesus Christ and one body and one Holy Spirit," I quoted imperfectly, to give direction and basis to my faith. "You are holy and sovereign and beautiful in majesty, and Your name is above all names..."
Jesus breathed on my cheek, and feeling the warmth of His breath, my fear melted further away. "And You are my Friend and my Beloved, and have been with me all this time!" I added, obediently, in wonder. "To You be the glory!"
"Please brace their hearts, according to Your mercy and loving kindness," I added, pressing on His compassionate heart according to the revelation of how Mary His mother had, and Jesus burst out laughing. I have never seen such sparkling merriment in His face, His eyes dancing with light and laughter.
December 26, 2016
"Here I am. And here You are, in the place of beauty and wholeness You made for Yourself," I said, welcoming and cherishing Jesus with love.
Jenny, beloved Jenny.
"Rest Your heart in me," I had told Jesus last night, before falling asleep, and a look of intense love passed over His face.
Comforting one, He called me.
"Thank You for helping me remember that," I said to Him, returning to Jesus after typing it.
You're welcome, He replied.
"Lord Jesus, I am trusting You to get me through this life to You, and You will!"
How could we be parted? He asked, with tender, quiet certainty.
December 28, 2016
"Lord, how are You?"
In response, I was swept up tightly into His arms of love. Jesus is full of love this morning.
Rejoice in Me! Jesus declared, when I threw my arms around Him in joy that I can be with Him and love Him.
Remembered His removal of something misplaced in my heart last night as I had my arms around Him, my cheek to His heart. "Thank You," I told Jesus gratefully. I was cherishing a memory, which I hadn't known what to do with, but I gave it all to Jesus, who is the Lord of my life, and my Life, and He took it away, which lifted a burden I hadn't realized I'd been carrying, and made more clear space for the Lord. Everything is His. Jesus is the only One who gets to define my life- what is important and why, what remains and what does not. Jesus alone determines these things about me.
"Thank You," I whispered again to Jesus, my Lord and my Judge, His quiet face of love so close to mine. "All glory to You, all glory to You!" Because Jesus is the One who is bringing me to perfection, just as He promised, therefore, all the glory of result is His.
Another distraction, returned to Him, right back to His living heart, enclosed by my Lord.
"Forgive me," I asked, because of these distractions.
Jenny, He said. His peace flowed through me, washing away the anxiety and misplaced guilt.
As I have rested with Him, Jesus has become much bigger than ever I perceived Him before- as though at the end, Jesus on the Throne. Almost I couldn't come back to Him because of this. Stretch out your faith, Jenny, Jesus commanded, so I did- I put my whole faith in Jesus to get me to Him- because the faith that Jesus speaks of is always faith in Himself, and I was with Him, to Him be all the glory.
"Lord, You have everything," I stated, because it was perfectly clear to me in that moment.
But not you, He replied, meaning that He longs for me to be there fully, which is something Jesus has said to me before, in the first years or so of seeing Him and being with Him. I used to pull as hard as I could on this longing of His in order to persuade Jesus to bring me home early, but after a while, Jesus asked me no longer to do that. What He said was, Don't put Me to the test. He meant, don't put His love to that test, because it was His will that I should finish my course, and instead, I should trust His love and do His will.
"Tree of Life, Tree of Life!" I cried, clinging close to Jesus in joy and relief, the words rising out of me in recognition of Him. "Oh tender holy Tree of Life!"
"May I come one more time to You?" I asked, having been pulled away again by distraction, probably by writing the above. Every time I pause to record something, I have to turn my attention away from Him in order to write, and afterward, I must then turn the whole of my attention back to Him.
Come close, Jenny, said Jesus, Lord of lords, King of Heaven, smiling. So I came close into His embrace, in His arms of power and authority, and breathed in His living warmth and clung to Him and burrowed into His arms and now I must get up and serve Him in my daily life.
What love could be more deeply satisfying, more primal to the created, than the love of their Creator? There is no deeper love. He is the Beginning and He is the End. And yet His love does go deeper still, because He is our Savior, our Redeemer, casting off His glory, leaving heaven, being made like us, incarnate, living a human life, giving Himself as a ransom, becoming sin who knew no sin, dying our death that He might destroy death and become our eternal, abundant Life- so that we could be with Him. That's how much we are loved by the One that created us, that gave birth to us.
December 29, 2016
"I'm here," I said, settling in.
You please Me so much, Jesus said, before I could see Him at all.
"Jesus!" I whispered in delighted love, coming to His arms and looking at His smiling face. "My heart goes thump thump!" I patted my heart with my palm.
Receive it, you will not be ashamed, I remembered Him saying, and my faith increased to wonder, and Jesus' face crinkled up into merriment as He watched me.
"Jesus! Jesus!" I whispered, stunned, leaning my arms on His shoulders. "You are infinitely better... infinitely... You are..." But I was unable to put the feeling into words. I touched the corners of His eyes, wrinkled by sun and laughter, remembering all the ways He pours out love, His loving eyes never leaving my face, waiting.
When I come to Jesus, my joy rises out of me like a bird in flight, like a trilling song. Tongues and songs came pouring out of my throat to know I was with Jesus, safe and sound, home at last.
"Oh my goodness, it sounds like screeching,"I said, embarrassed at the high tone of sound- it's at a very high pitch, and my song warbles like a bird's.
Never believe it, Jesus countered, without words assuring me that He heard the full resonance and depth of sound in a way that I cannot yet, and it pleased Him.
What is your crown? Jesus asked me.
"It's You," I told Him, because that is the obvious and first answer. "Faith in You," I added.
Just so, He agreed, and He reminded me of that verse from so long ago- He crowns the humble with salvation. Jesus is salvation in Person.
We were standing, and I was holding His hand tightly, and looking at where the fountain is and suddenly I saw it in beautiful detail.
"Oh, I see it!" I breathed, delighted. It is rich with life, color, movement and light on the water and flowers, and life in the waters. The leaves are delicate and alive, a thin sheet of water pours over the rim of the upper basin, which has turned green from algae.
December 30, 2016
"Here I am."
Jenny, I love you.
It's not a ritual or a formula- it's new every time and yet the boundaries never change- it's always only between the Lord and I.
"When I come into Your presence for the full and final time, I'm going to fall at Your feet," I whispered, overwhelmed just by the degree of His presence that I was then caught up in.
I'll catch you.
December 31, 2016
He called me softly.
"Yes, Lord? Your servant is listening," I replied in a tad formal manner, because of being overwhelmed with His presence, and Jesus looked at me with dancing eyes, loving but full of humor at the incongruity of my formality when I'm holding Him in my arms.
"I'm so sorry (I wasn't doing that before)." Waking up to meet with Him? Choosing Him with more ardor even when the ecstasy is not there? I can't remember anymore, but His answer is important regardless.
Jenny, one step at a time, He assured me.
January 5, 2017
I give you all things, Jesus said- I need not strive or worry or look elsewhere for anything at all. Everything comes from Jesus.
"Yes, Lord. So be it."
"Here I am."
"Precious Lord Jesus!" I replied, laughing, deliberately embracing the usual term of endearment from my One and Only. "Just to hear Your voice! That You call me anything at all! That I'm precious to You."
January 10, 2017
"Are You angry?" I asked, when I reached Jesus and was resting- meaning about how I had handled the challenge. I always feel that I could have done better; I can always think of a better way of handling it afterward.
You've done well, Jenny, Jesus whispered to me, as I sank deeper into His peace- but I think that's sheer grace. Humanly speaking, I am barley loaves and two fish.
After a long, exhausting day that strained me almost to break point, came to Jesus in quietness, saw His outstretched hand and took it in wordless gratitude, already feeling the infilling of peace, and Jesus lifted my hand and kissed my fingers, His eyes full of love.
The doors to one thing have slammed shut, but I can’t help but think that this means the doors to prayer will swing wide, wide open and may it be so! I accept.
January 11, 2017
"Thank You for being in my life- this life," I said to Him, thinking of potty training and breakfast making and messy imperfection. I was falling into His peaceful presence and thinking of how He is Jesus, and yet He is with me, always.
In the very early morning, had woken and reached out for Jesus, and saw His tender, loving face looking down at me, and I was tucked into His arms like a baby, my face resting against the crook of His neck.
I've been thinking of how I've been released now to pray. "I want to pray with You, not just to You," I told Jesus. His eyes were full of depth as He listened, moved deeply by some sober emotion, His face seen with an unusual, sustained clarity.
"Your prayers are the most powerful force there is," I said, becoming aware of the fire burning in His heart- an eternal, consuming fire. "The fire in Your heart!" I whispered. "I want to pray with You, toward Your will, Your purposes on earth."
Yes, Jenny, He replied, gathering me up. I looked at Jesus again and again, drinking in the sight of Him in that beautiful, unusual clarity, each time looking at Him, wordlessly confessing all that I am to Him for His judgement, but there is no anger in the face of Jesus, only intense feeling that is held in peaceful stillness, and power and gentleness in equal, perfectly controlled measure. I kissed His hand, work toughened, corded with sinew at the wrists and the backs of His hands.
You are with Me, His voice was unshakeable, certain.
"Yes, Lord," I whispered.
Don't be afraid.
January 31, 2017
I knew that Jesus was with me, but hesitated going to Him. You have to believe that I want you with Me, I remembered. Saw His arms of love and accepted His closeness.
Distractions at every turn, but again in that high room, fell at His feet and kissed the hem. Just to touch the hem of His robe!
Just to be in the outer courtyard and to know Jesus is in the building. Just to be in the main building where He sometimes walks, and to know that He has walked there! Just to be in the inner buildings and to hear His voice from a nearby room echo down the hall as He speaks to people far above me. Just to catch a glimpse of Him! Saw Jesus sitting deep in thought and alone in the room; He looked up at me and His eyes lit up, filled with joyful expression, but I ducked away before the emotion of delight could show in His face because I was too shy to acknowledge it.
A moment later, I went right back and curled up in His arms. "I know Who You are and I know that You love me," I declared to Him in joy.
Found myself again in the higher room, after returning from distraction.
So where are you? Jesus asked me.