This morning I read something that caused me some confusion and distress. It caused me to remember very distinctly my old anxieties and deep seated fears regarding religion, and for a moment or two, I could not for the life of me remember how I had found my way out of them.
I got all anxious. I couldn't control the anxiety on my own, so instead of fighting that losing battle any longer, I simply handed the anxiety, along with myself and my questions, right over to Him. I just handed Him the whole mess, like a tangled ball of yarn.
No matter how badly tangled I am, He's always tender and loving when He takes it from me. It's as though I were a very young child. He takes me on His lap and starts lovingly unwinding me from the anxiety, or fear, or self hatred or whatever it is that I got tangled up in.
So, when I was quiet, He said, "I Myself lead you in the paths of righteousness, for My name's sake. You don't lead, even in doing good. I lead you into the good works that I have laid up for you to do."
This is a lesson He's been teaching me for the past couple days. It's the path of righteousness, not the four lane highway. It's not "I run wildly, desperately on ahead of Him on the paths of righteousness, while He follows, driving me on and on." It's a narrow path and He leads like a shepherd.
Recently, I watched a documentary on the 23rd Psalm. In it, the narrator said that Jewish scholars sometimes translate the word "path" as "circles." These circles refer to the circling paths that wind around and around the hills that shepherds lead their flocks up.
Slowly, circle after circle, the flock winds its way up the hill. They go slowly so that the sheep can graze along the way. They don't go barreling straight up the mountainside to the top, but they do get there, in a natural and peaceful way.
Everything that frightens me and any failure and any shortcoming, those things cause me to yield into Jesus and His work. I surrender myself to Him. This means that my short comings actually draw me nearer to Him, instead of driving me away.
Before, when I thought I myself had to subdue the flesh or perfect myself or however you want to put it- back then, my imperfections caused me shame and exhaustion and frustration and resentment. I kept putting distance between myself and Him, so that I could wrestle with myself in decent privacy, as it were.
Now there's no barrier, there's no distance. My life is His life. I can't live apart from Him. My weakness and inability are swallowed up in His infinite ability and boundless strength.
I thought I would look up a verse I vaguely remembered, so I logged onto Biblegateway, and right there, before I ever searched, I read this:
"“Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.” Ephesians 2:8-9 MSG
Also, recently I rediscovered this old hymn and I love it even more now:
"Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long.
Perfect submission, all is at rest,
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love."
Blessed Assurance, by Francis J.Crosby, 1873
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
October 28th
There is a cockroach under a glass on my kitchen counter. I captured him last night, and I'm still not quite sure what to do with him. I shrink from killing the creature. Besides, it's too large. The very thought of.... ugh. No.
I think I will slip a paper under the glass and then release it into the wild. Naturally, this means it will merely make its way back into the house, but oh well. If I meet him again, I'll just have to name him and set out his own pet dish by the sink.
Our friends are coming by this evening; Keith bought a new war game that he wants to demonstrate to his buddy.
I have beef stew and biscuits planned for dinner, and the pumpkin cookies that I made earlier. They turned out well and I have managed to limit myself to two cookies per day, which really is very good.
I had such a moving insight yesterday evening. It was of something very simple, and of something I already knew, but it just came together in a new way. I was reading this passage:
"However, I am not in search of honor for Myself. [I do not seek and am not aiming for My own glory.] There is One Who [looks after that; He] seeks [My glory], and He is the Judge.
I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, if anyone observes My teaching [lives in accordance with My message, keeps My word], he will by no means ever see and experience death.
The Jews said to Him, Now we know that You are under the power of a demon (insane). Abraham died, and also the prophets, yet You say, If a man keeps My word, he will never taste of death into all eternity.
Are You greater than our father Abraham? He died, and all the prophets died! Who do You make Yourself out to be?
Jesus answered, If I were to glorify Myself (magnify, praise, and honor Myself), I would have no real glory, for My glory would be nothing and worthless. [My honor must come to Me from My Father.] It is My Father Who glorifies Me [Who extols Me, magnifies, and praises Me], of Whom you say that He is your God."
John 8:50-54, AMP
So, I read this, and I thought, when they asked Him who He was, why did He respond as He did? He didn't answer them straight out. I've actually wondered this many times before. (Though He does eventually declare that before Abraham existed, I AM. Which is a spine tingling thing to hear Him say.)
Then I realized that He could have declared to them who He is. He is the Son of God! He could have suddenly called down legions of angels, He could have made the earth shake or stopped the winds or thrown the Temple to rubble, if He wished.
Instead, He says that He will not glorify Himself, for that would mean nothing, would be worthless. He rests completely in the knowledge that His glory comes from His Father alone, as a gift. Jesus stays faithful to the message His Father sent Him to give.
Then I realized that He is meek. I never saw that aspect of His personality in quite that way before. Now I see it. He defers constantly, continuously, to His Father, His Father's message and His Father's work.
He is not in search of honor for Himself! What a statement for the Son of God to say. Astoundingly, despite His high position, power and glory His Father's given Him, He is, by character, meek and humble of heart. That is how He describes Himself.
Then, I searched out other verses, and they made this incredible picture (no doubt heavily influenced by Handel's Messiah!)-
"My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot, like a root in dry ground. There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him.
He was despised and rejected— a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care."
Isaiah 53:2-3
"The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me, and I have listened. I have not rebelled or turned away.
I offered my back to those who beat me and my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard. I did not hide my face from mockery and spitting. Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced.
Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame."
Isaiah 50:4:7
"He always had the nature of God, but he did not think that by force he should try to remain equal with God. Instead of this, of his own free will he gave up all he had, and took the nature of a servant. He became like a human being and appeared in human likeness. He was humble and walked the path of obedience all the way to death— his death on the cross.
For this reason God raised him to the highest place above and gave him the name that is greater than any other name. And so, in honor of the name of Jesus all beings in heaven, on earth, and in the world below will fall on their knees, and all will openly proclaim that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."
Phillipians 2:6-11 GNT
It was as though I had a sudden glimpse right into His heart, and it just took my breath away. It just astounded me. It made me worship Him in loving adoration.
I think He loves to be found out, He loves to be searched out, to be required above all else. It must be, because all through the Bible it says to seek your God with all your heart and He will be found by you, and then cleave to Him.
Recently, as I was reading the Gospel of John, I remembered something I had read about ealier, (I forget where) concerning John. Jesus loved all His disciples. (Duh!) He didn't love John more; there's no way He could love any of us any more than He already does. His love for each of us is overflowing and uniquely expressed for us- that is, He has a unique relationship with each of us. Each of us is irreplaceable to Him.
What John did was to claim Jesus's love as his own identity. So, when John wrote his Gospel, he referred to himself as "the disciple Jesus loved" because that was the identity most important to John, and all his life, he never forgot that love. Which is a beautiful act of worship, I can't help but think.
It's right there, that identity belongs to all of us. We can claim it, we can make ourselves at home in it, as Jesus invites us to do.
We could sign all our letters, "the person Jesus dearly loves," with impunity. We could even answer telephone calls with it, if we liked: "This is the girl Jesus dearly loves speaking, how can I help you today?"
How would that be, for a conversation starter? We'd have to watch out, though, or we'd end up constantly referring to ourselves in the third person, and that might be a little confusing.
Anyway, the housewife Jesus dearly loves has to go and clean the bathroom before the house guests arrive, so I'd better finish this up... :)
I think I will slip a paper under the glass and then release it into the wild. Naturally, this means it will merely make its way back into the house, but oh well. If I meet him again, I'll just have to name him and set out his own pet dish by the sink.
Our friends are coming by this evening; Keith bought a new war game that he wants to demonstrate to his buddy.
I have beef stew and biscuits planned for dinner, and the pumpkin cookies that I made earlier. They turned out well and I have managed to limit myself to two cookies per day, which really is very good.
I had such a moving insight yesterday evening. It was of something very simple, and of something I already knew, but it just came together in a new way. I was reading this passage:
"However, I am not in search of honor for Myself. [I do not seek and am not aiming for My own glory.] There is One Who [looks after that; He] seeks [My glory], and He is the Judge.
I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, if anyone observes My teaching [lives in accordance with My message, keeps My word], he will by no means ever see and experience death.
The Jews said to Him, Now we know that You are under the power of a demon (insane). Abraham died, and also the prophets, yet You say, If a man keeps My word, he will never taste of death into all eternity.
Are You greater than our father Abraham? He died, and all the prophets died! Who do You make Yourself out to be?
Jesus answered, If I were to glorify Myself (magnify, praise, and honor Myself), I would have no real glory, for My glory would be nothing and worthless. [My honor must come to Me from My Father.] It is My Father Who glorifies Me [Who extols Me, magnifies, and praises Me], of Whom you say that He is your God."
John 8:50-54, AMP
So, I read this, and I thought, when they asked Him who He was, why did He respond as He did? He didn't answer them straight out. I've actually wondered this many times before. (Though He does eventually declare that before Abraham existed, I AM. Which is a spine tingling thing to hear Him say.)
Then I realized that He could have declared to them who He is. He is the Son of God! He could have suddenly called down legions of angels, He could have made the earth shake or stopped the winds or thrown the Temple to rubble, if He wished.
Instead, He says that He will not glorify Himself, for that would mean nothing, would be worthless. He rests completely in the knowledge that His glory comes from His Father alone, as a gift. Jesus stays faithful to the message His Father sent Him to give.
Then I realized that He is meek. I never saw that aspect of His personality in quite that way before. Now I see it. He defers constantly, continuously, to His Father, His Father's message and His Father's work.
He is not in search of honor for Himself! What a statement for the Son of God to say. Astoundingly, despite His high position, power and glory His Father's given Him, He is, by character, meek and humble of heart. That is how He describes Himself.
Then, I searched out other verses, and they made this incredible picture (no doubt heavily influenced by Handel's Messiah!)-
"My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot, like a root in dry ground. There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him.
He was despised and rejected— a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care."
Isaiah 53:2-3
"The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me, and I have listened. I have not rebelled or turned away.
I offered my back to those who beat me and my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard. I did not hide my face from mockery and spitting. Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced.
Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame."
Isaiah 50:4:7
"He always had the nature of God, but he did not think that by force he should try to remain equal with God. Instead of this, of his own free will he gave up all he had, and took the nature of a servant. He became like a human being and appeared in human likeness. He was humble and walked the path of obedience all the way to death— his death on the cross.
For this reason God raised him to the highest place above and gave him the name that is greater than any other name. And so, in honor of the name of Jesus all beings in heaven, on earth, and in the world below will fall on their knees, and all will openly proclaim that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."
Phillipians 2:6-11 GNT
It was as though I had a sudden glimpse right into His heart, and it just took my breath away. It just astounded me. It made me worship Him in loving adoration.
I think He loves to be found out, He loves to be searched out, to be required above all else. It must be, because all through the Bible it says to seek your God with all your heart and He will be found by you, and then cleave to Him.
Recently, as I was reading the Gospel of John, I remembered something I had read about ealier, (I forget where) concerning John. Jesus loved all His disciples. (Duh!) He didn't love John more; there's no way He could love any of us any more than He already does. His love for each of us is overflowing and uniquely expressed for us- that is, He has a unique relationship with each of us. Each of us is irreplaceable to Him.
What John did was to claim Jesus's love as his own identity. So, when John wrote his Gospel, he referred to himself as "the disciple Jesus loved" because that was the identity most important to John, and all his life, he never forgot that love. Which is a beautiful act of worship, I can't help but think.
It's right there, that identity belongs to all of us. We can claim it, we can make ourselves at home in it, as Jesus invites us to do.
We could sign all our letters, "the person Jesus dearly loves," with impunity. We could even answer telephone calls with it, if we liked: "This is the girl Jesus dearly loves speaking, how can I help you today?"
How would that be, for a conversation starter? We'd have to watch out, though, or we'd end up constantly referring to ourselves in the third person, and that might be a little confusing.
Anyway, the housewife Jesus dearly loves has to go and clean the bathroom before the house guests arrive, so I'd better finish this up... :)
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
October 26th
I stocked up on Halloween candy yesterday. Boy, is that stuff expensive! I stuffed an entire plastic bag and it cost me over thirty dollars.
I was worried- we live in this small, brick ranch neighborhood and we've seen flocks of children come out at twilight to play pick up basketball, so I suspect that crowds will come out on Halloween night.
I really don't want to run out of candy. I suspect egging is a real possibility around here.
Keith's last day of his mission is today. His gout has flared up, he has a cold and he's worn right down. His CO told him to take today off, but Keith insisted on limping in anyway.
He did consent to sleeping in, so I was able to feed him a nourishing breakfast of blueberry bagel sandwich with cream cheese, strawberry preserves, egg and cheddar cheese. This is his current breakfast favorite.
Let me tell you, there is nothing, nothing like rereading Isaiah to improve one's already great enjoyment of Handel's Messiah. And reading Isaiah while listening to said music? Whoa Nellie. That's a heck of a lot of Messianic prophesy right there.
However, taken as a whole, reading from Judges onward is much like reading the Silmarillian. Stories that should be entire books in themselves take up mere paragraphs. Nothing is explained properly. Everything starts out awesome and splendid, and then inexorably becomes worse with small pockets of relief which in the end get wiped out.
But it's fascinating and beautiful to see that even as the earthly kingdom was crumbling away and being carried off and generally falling into corruption and ruin, the prophets were full of visions and promises of a new kingdom. I love seeing glimpses of Jesus all through the Old Testament.
I read in a blog this morning about how mainstream modern Christian culture has such a tendency to focus on the immutability of God that they tend to forget His emotional nature and consequently, suppress their own emotions, feeling the need to be stoic under all circumstances.
I empathized with this, as I blogged about before. Reading the Old Testament over again has really opened my eyes. He is overflowing with emotion. There is hardly a moment or event that does not draw from His heart a deep upwelling of grief or sorrow or compassion or love or passionate longing or yearning pity or deeply burning anger that is slow to build and quickly expressed, and followed by healing and restoration.
Sometimes when I'm terrified (and that would be often), Christ reminds me that it's His righteousness that I'm wearing and there is no need to be afraid. And then I found this, which I thought was beautiful:
"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul will exult in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels."
Isaiah 61:10
Once or twice I said to Him how glad I was not to have been born back then, under the old covenant. His response was immediate- He said, even then, you would have been Mine, even then, you would have been called by My Name and heard My voice.
Like, when you are His person, you are His person, you know? There is no getting away from His love. He will hunt you down (in the best way possible), He will heal you and He will love on you. He is irresistible.
"Even as [in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy (consecrated and set apart for Him) and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, before Him in love.
For He foreordained us (destined us, planned in love for us) to be adopted (revealed) as His own children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the purpose of His will [because it pleased Him and was His kind intent]--
[So that we might be] to the praise and the commendation of His glorious grace (favor and mercy), which He so freely bestowed on us in the Beloved."
Ephesians 1:4-6
Today, I'm going to try and make pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and then I'm going to try and not eat a lot of them. We'll see how that goes.
I was worried- we live in this small, brick ranch neighborhood and we've seen flocks of children come out at twilight to play pick up basketball, so I suspect that crowds will come out on Halloween night.
I really don't want to run out of candy. I suspect egging is a real possibility around here.
Keith's last day of his mission is today. His gout has flared up, he has a cold and he's worn right down. His CO told him to take today off, but Keith insisted on limping in anyway.
He did consent to sleeping in, so I was able to feed him a nourishing breakfast of blueberry bagel sandwich with cream cheese, strawberry preserves, egg and cheddar cheese. This is his current breakfast favorite.
Let me tell you, there is nothing, nothing like rereading Isaiah to improve one's already great enjoyment of Handel's Messiah. And reading Isaiah while listening to said music? Whoa Nellie. That's a heck of a lot of Messianic prophesy right there.
However, taken as a whole, reading from Judges onward is much like reading the Silmarillian. Stories that should be entire books in themselves take up mere paragraphs. Nothing is explained properly. Everything starts out awesome and splendid, and then inexorably becomes worse with small pockets of relief which in the end get wiped out.
But it's fascinating and beautiful to see that even as the earthly kingdom was crumbling away and being carried off and generally falling into corruption and ruin, the prophets were full of visions and promises of a new kingdom. I love seeing glimpses of Jesus all through the Old Testament.
I read in a blog this morning about how mainstream modern Christian culture has such a tendency to focus on the immutability of God that they tend to forget His emotional nature and consequently, suppress their own emotions, feeling the need to be stoic under all circumstances.
I empathized with this, as I blogged about before. Reading the Old Testament over again has really opened my eyes. He is overflowing with emotion. There is hardly a moment or event that does not draw from His heart a deep upwelling of grief or sorrow or compassion or love or passionate longing or yearning pity or deeply burning anger that is slow to build and quickly expressed, and followed by healing and restoration.
Sometimes when I'm terrified (and that would be often), Christ reminds me that it's His righteousness that I'm wearing and there is no need to be afraid. And then I found this, which I thought was beautiful:
"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul will exult in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels."
Isaiah 61:10
Once or twice I said to Him how glad I was not to have been born back then, under the old covenant. His response was immediate- He said, even then, you would have been Mine, even then, you would have been called by My Name and heard My voice.
Like, when you are His person, you are His person, you know? There is no getting away from His love. He will hunt you down (in the best way possible), He will heal you and He will love on you. He is irresistible.
"Even as [in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy (consecrated and set apart for Him) and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, before Him in love.
For He foreordained us (destined us, planned in love for us) to be adopted (revealed) as His own children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the purpose of His will [because it pleased Him and was His kind intent]--
[So that we might be] to the praise and the commendation of His glorious grace (favor and mercy), which He so freely bestowed on us in the Beloved."
Ephesians 1:4-6
Today, I'm going to try and make pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and then I'm going to try and not eat a lot of them. We'll see how that goes.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
October 23rd
Yesterday I wandered outside with an apple, and sat in the camp chair in the sun. My head was so full of the stuff I'd read.
A lot of the Old Testament is ancient and weird, but through it all, He keeps impressing on me how much He values us. That's the ongoing theme.
I keep pushing back against this theme. Last night it occurred to me how much I argue with Him; I wonder where He finds the patience to put up with me.
One night, maybe two weeks ago, He told me to read the Song of Songs.
"No way!" I said. "There is no way I can read that with You right here. I can read that when I can pretend that You are up in heaven, attending to other business. But I just can't with You reading right over my shoulder like You do."
So I didn't. That night, He said to me again, "Read the Song of Songs. You're caught up in shame and reading that book is the way out."
I knew He was right, so that morning, I forced myself to read it. I literally read it with my hand over my face, reading between my fingers. And I skimmed a lot of it.
It did take away a lot of my shame, and then I read it a second time, and that was easier. That's when I remembered praying to Him that He keep me as a seal, that I blogged about much earlier.
I was flabbergasted to remember how easily I used to read that book and how naturally I just claimed it for myself. It didn't seem presumptuous, it just felt natural.
When I read it again more recently, He said, "This applies to you- this is part of your identity in Me."
"No way!" I argued. "I'm not Your bride; that would be absurd and arrogant. Anyway, the church as a whole is Your bride."
"Yes, but I'm not taking to Myself a building and I'm not in love with a faceless mob- I love people as individuals."
Clearly, He wants a relationship and a love that is so intense and so real that He can be overcome by the sight of it. It's obvious when one thinks about it. I mean, we ourselves want that, when we think about love. God's love is not a passive emotion- it's up welling with life and passion and creative ability.
I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it, though. I wonder why I keep thinking that He prefers a formal and stilted relationship with us, as opposed to a passionate, organic relationship, but even now I keep going back to the former, and clearly erroneous, idea.
I think because I keep mixing up holy with formal and they are not at all the same. He's holy and passionate at the same time- I see that so clearly all through the Old Testament. What an intense combination it is! I am so looking forward to reading the Gospels again, after having read through all that. I think it's going to blow my mind. It does in little pieces even now.
I wonder sometimes why He doesn't just throw His hands in the air and be all, "This woman! She argues with me at every turn! I tell her how much I love her, how much she means to Me- I back my point up with scripture, and she still argues!"
Except that I think He's used to it. That sort of thing happens a lot, I can't help but notice. He talks to someone and their usual response is "Not me!" or "No way!" or "Come again?" At first, anyway.
He purchases for us an identity and a place with Him through His death and resurrection, and we frequently say, "No, no, it can't be a free gift. That can't be for me. You must need something more than mere acceptance from me. I can't mean that much to You."
Yesterday, after I ate my apple, I came inside and watched some TV. I was watching Extreme Home Makeover and it was starting to make me cry, the way the show normally does. I told Him, I have to change the channel, or I'm going to bawl my eyes out.
(Yes. I talk to Him even when I watch TV. I am certifiably insane.)
"You can let go of your emotions," He replied. "You don't have to hold onto them so tight. You don't have to try and hide them from Me."
That took me by surprised. I suddenly realized how tightly I do hold on to them, almost as if I were ashamed of them, or something. I also realized how He did not do the same with His own emotions.
I said, "That's so gracious of You. What a lovely invitation. I'll have to think about that. Let me get back to You on that... In the meantime, I'd better change the channel..."
Where would we be, if He wasn't as patient and gracious and merciful as He is? The fact of the matter is, the more I know of Him, the more I love Him and the more I love Him, the more I want to know of Him.
I just keep thinking to myself, why wait until the next life to know Him? Why wait for some kind of earthly perfection, which will never come, to be close to Him? I don't want to wait. I empathize with Jacob, who grappled on to Him and wouldn't let go. Except that I don't want just a blessing, I want Him.
That story astounded me, by the way. What a story that is. He could crush us so easily, but instead, He touches us and leaves a mark we'll never be able to forget.
I told Him last night I was glad there were still places in me that I had yet to yield to Him, because I can look forward to the pleasure of that yielding when the time comes. Eventually, I'll bawl my eyes out in His arms and it will be good.
In the meantime, I fall asleep in His arms. I get up in the night, and He is still with me. When I'm frightened, I feel myself enclosed by the shadow of His wings. I wake up in the morning, and He is with me. I look out at the dawn and I think, He is the Bright and Morning Star, and the Light of the world.
I sit down before the computer and think with pleasure and anticipation, what will He show me today? What are the things I will do for Him today? And I am busy learning and doing and then He tells me, rest. And I rest.
And then Keith comes home and I think, this is my husband! What a good life I have! It is filled with good things.
And when my head is dizzy and I am worn out and puzzled and disappointed with myself, I take a deep breath and bring Him to mind. I gratefully heave all that stuff onto Him and He graciously and easily takes it all.
At night, I stay up, whispering with Him in the dark about everything that He has shown me that day. I think, He is my Creator! In Him everything moves and lives and has its being. Everything is held together by Him.
I think, this is my Friend, my Redeemer, the Son of Man, the Son of David, Emmanuel. In the dark, I call forth all His names in wonder, and I think about what each of them means, to the best of my earthly ability. I recall that I am His precious belonging, one He purchased to Himself, one He keeps safe, and makes to lie down in green pastures and leads beside the still waters.
What a God we serve! His love for us is just beyond understanding.
A lot of the Old Testament is ancient and weird, but through it all, He keeps impressing on me how much He values us. That's the ongoing theme.
I keep pushing back against this theme. Last night it occurred to me how much I argue with Him; I wonder where He finds the patience to put up with me.
One night, maybe two weeks ago, He told me to read the Song of Songs.
"No way!" I said. "There is no way I can read that with You right here. I can read that when I can pretend that You are up in heaven, attending to other business. But I just can't with You reading right over my shoulder like You do."
So I didn't. That night, He said to me again, "Read the Song of Songs. You're caught up in shame and reading that book is the way out."
I knew He was right, so that morning, I forced myself to read it. I literally read it with my hand over my face, reading between my fingers. And I skimmed a lot of it.
It did take away a lot of my shame, and then I read it a second time, and that was easier. That's when I remembered praying to Him that He keep me as a seal, that I blogged about much earlier.
I was flabbergasted to remember how easily I used to read that book and how naturally I just claimed it for myself. It didn't seem presumptuous, it just felt natural.
When I read it again more recently, He said, "This applies to you- this is part of your identity in Me."
"No way!" I argued. "I'm not Your bride; that would be absurd and arrogant. Anyway, the church as a whole is Your bride."
"Yes, but I'm not taking to Myself a building and I'm not in love with a faceless mob- I love people as individuals."
Clearly, He wants a relationship and a love that is so intense and so real that He can be overcome by the sight of it. It's obvious when one thinks about it. I mean, we ourselves want that, when we think about love. God's love is not a passive emotion- it's up welling with life and passion and creative ability.
I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it, though. I wonder why I keep thinking that He prefers a formal and stilted relationship with us, as opposed to a passionate, organic relationship, but even now I keep going back to the former, and clearly erroneous, idea.
I think because I keep mixing up holy with formal and they are not at all the same. He's holy and passionate at the same time- I see that so clearly all through the Old Testament. What an intense combination it is! I am so looking forward to reading the Gospels again, after having read through all that. I think it's going to blow my mind. It does in little pieces even now.
I wonder sometimes why He doesn't just throw His hands in the air and be all, "This woman! She argues with me at every turn! I tell her how much I love her, how much she means to Me- I back my point up with scripture, and she still argues!"
Except that I think He's used to it. That sort of thing happens a lot, I can't help but notice. He talks to someone and their usual response is "Not me!" or "No way!" or "Come again?" At first, anyway.
He purchases for us an identity and a place with Him through His death and resurrection, and we frequently say, "No, no, it can't be a free gift. That can't be for me. You must need something more than mere acceptance from me. I can't mean that much to You."
Yesterday, after I ate my apple, I came inside and watched some TV. I was watching Extreme Home Makeover and it was starting to make me cry, the way the show normally does. I told Him, I have to change the channel, or I'm going to bawl my eyes out.
(Yes. I talk to Him even when I watch TV. I am certifiably insane.)
"You can let go of your emotions," He replied. "You don't have to hold onto them so tight. You don't have to try and hide them from Me."
That took me by surprised. I suddenly realized how tightly I do hold on to them, almost as if I were ashamed of them, or something. I also realized how He did not do the same with His own emotions.
I said, "That's so gracious of You. What a lovely invitation. I'll have to think about that. Let me get back to You on that... In the meantime, I'd better change the channel..."
Where would we be, if He wasn't as patient and gracious and merciful as He is? The fact of the matter is, the more I know of Him, the more I love Him and the more I love Him, the more I want to know of Him.
I just keep thinking to myself, why wait until the next life to know Him? Why wait for some kind of earthly perfection, which will never come, to be close to Him? I don't want to wait. I empathize with Jacob, who grappled on to Him and wouldn't let go. Except that I don't want just a blessing, I want Him.
That story astounded me, by the way. What a story that is. He could crush us so easily, but instead, He touches us and leaves a mark we'll never be able to forget.
I told Him last night I was glad there were still places in me that I had yet to yield to Him, because I can look forward to the pleasure of that yielding when the time comes. Eventually, I'll bawl my eyes out in His arms and it will be good.
In the meantime, I fall asleep in His arms. I get up in the night, and He is still with me. When I'm frightened, I feel myself enclosed by the shadow of His wings. I wake up in the morning, and He is with me. I look out at the dawn and I think, He is the Bright and Morning Star, and the Light of the world.
I sit down before the computer and think with pleasure and anticipation, what will He show me today? What are the things I will do for Him today? And I am busy learning and doing and then He tells me, rest. And I rest.
And then Keith comes home and I think, this is my husband! What a good life I have! It is filled with good things.
And when my head is dizzy and I am worn out and puzzled and disappointed with myself, I take a deep breath and bring Him to mind. I gratefully heave all that stuff onto Him and He graciously and easily takes it all.
At night, I stay up, whispering with Him in the dark about everything that He has shown me that day. I think, He is my Creator! In Him everything moves and lives and has its being. Everything is held together by Him.
I think, this is my Friend, my Redeemer, the Son of Man, the Son of David, Emmanuel. In the dark, I call forth all His names in wonder, and I think about what each of them means, to the best of my earthly ability. I recall that I am His precious belonging, one He purchased to Himself, one He keeps safe, and makes to lie down in green pastures and leads beside the still waters.
What a God we serve! His love for us is just beyond understanding.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
October 20th
We shut all the windows and turned on the furnace yesterday evening. This morning, I had to turn on all the lights in order to see what I was doing.
There's a scarlet cardinal outside on the front lawn- he blends in with the leaves scattered across the grass. The sky above has that deep quality of blue that it only gets this time of the year.
Keith is mission commander of yet another training mission- it's his eighth one. I have to keep this in mind when I call him. He's completely in the "let's get this done and done right and done right away" mode of thinking. So, if I absentmindedly call, looking vaguely for encouragement and sympathy, about, say, the window that is jammed, I find instead brisk instructions barked out over the phone. And then he has to go, because something else needs his attention.
When he comes home, he is worn out and exhausted. As soon as he's settled on the couch, I crawl up next to him and snuggle in. His phone rings two or three times an hour, at least- even late into the night. He's up at three in the morning and sometimes doesn't get home until seven in the evening. He tries to stay up so he can play his video game or watch tv, but he starts falling asleep after about an hour, the poor guy.
I'm so aware of the good things that surround me. Yesterday, in the late afternoon, I walked outside into the thin sunlight and just watched the blue sky and the wind in the leaves. Life is good.
I've branched out from the New Testament to the Old Testament- very old stomping grounds for me, and full of pitfalls and ghosts. But I'm not reading by myself, so it's as though I see it from both the old perspective and the new one.
This whole time, I keep expecting life to go back to normal. But now I realize that it never will. It's so strange that although I know from past experience that life is change, still, my own growth takes me by surprise. Like- wait a minute!- there's still more to learn, to understand? Who knew!
There's a scarlet cardinal outside on the front lawn- he blends in with the leaves scattered across the grass. The sky above has that deep quality of blue that it only gets this time of the year.
Keith is mission commander of yet another training mission- it's his eighth one. I have to keep this in mind when I call him. He's completely in the "let's get this done and done right and done right away" mode of thinking. So, if I absentmindedly call, looking vaguely for encouragement and sympathy, about, say, the window that is jammed, I find instead brisk instructions barked out over the phone. And then he has to go, because something else needs his attention.
When he comes home, he is worn out and exhausted. As soon as he's settled on the couch, I crawl up next to him and snuggle in. His phone rings two or three times an hour, at least- even late into the night. He's up at three in the morning and sometimes doesn't get home until seven in the evening. He tries to stay up so he can play his video game or watch tv, but he starts falling asleep after about an hour, the poor guy.
I'm so aware of the good things that surround me. Yesterday, in the late afternoon, I walked outside into the thin sunlight and just watched the blue sky and the wind in the leaves. Life is good.
I've branched out from the New Testament to the Old Testament- very old stomping grounds for me, and full of pitfalls and ghosts. But I'm not reading by myself, so it's as though I see it from both the old perspective and the new one.
This whole time, I keep expecting life to go back to normal. But now I realize that it never will. It's so strange that although I know from past experience that life is change, still, my own growth takes me by surprise. Like- wait a minute!- there's still more to learn, to understand? Who knew!
Monday, October 17, 2011
October 17th
It's beginning to make sense to me, in a new way, why Jesus says to keep our worries limited to one day at a time. One day is a human sized portion of life- to try and take on all the rest of it at once is just too daunting.
One day alone can contain all the agony of defeat and all the thrill of victory more up close and personal than any one remembered year.
This morning, when I logged onto the Biblegateway, I found this verse. It was in the NIV, but I switched it to the Amplified Bible, because it's just more beautiful in that version:
"The secret [of the sweet, satisfying companionship] of the Lord have they who fear (revere and worship) Him, and He will show them His covenant and reveal to them its [deep, inner] meaning.
My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for He will pluck my feet out of the net."
Psalm 25:14-15
I was logging on to look up this verse:
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God [Who is the Source] of every comfort (consolation and encouragement), Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble (calamity and affliction), so that we may also be able to comfort (console and encourage) those who are in any kind of trouble or distress, with the comfort (consolation and encouragement) with which we ourselves are comforted (consoled and encouraged) by God."
II Corinthians 1:3-4
Isn't that beautiful? I wonder how many verses in the Bible just lie there in waiting, ready to blossom open into a deeper understanding at the right time.
Lately, I've been telling Him that I wish He had put more in the way of the Gospels in the Bible. I wish I could see more of what He did and said. When I bring this up to Christ, He tells me that I can see and know Him, living, in my own life. He's writing a living story with my life and He's all through it, right with me. It's not a story that many people will ever know, but it's still Authored by Him.
Then, this morning, I read this:
For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live].
Ephesians 2:10
(What a mind blowing book Ephesians is, by the way! My goodness.)
And He reminds me that it was better that He should go away, so that the Comforter could come.
And He is comforting! I used to read that and think, yes, yes, in theory, His is comforting- in practise, He is demanding. But it was my own awful self judgement that was demanding- it was the implacable law that was demanding. Jesus Himself is comforting.
When He teaches and guides me, He is loving and gentle. When He corrects me, I hardly know it, it's so natural and loving. It's as though He actually were a Good Shepherd! Who knew.
The things He asks us to do, I am realizing, are just common sense. The fruit of the Spirit are principles to live out and grow into, as opposed to specific rules that we follow.
At the end of the day, as I'm lying there in the dark, beating up on myself, He steps in and contradicts me left and right. He really is comforting and encouraging, in very practical and specific ways.
Actually, for a while last night I was so lost in self condemnation that I kept myself away from Him. That's the major problem with self condemnation, in my experience. My shame cuts Him out. And that's very unfortunate-
"For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning.
Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God's unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find grace to help in good time for every need [appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it]."
Hebrews 4:15-16
Fearlessly and confidently and boldly! Wow. But did He suffer as He did for less than that? Did He die so that we could timidly and shamefully and fearfully entreat Him from a safe distance?
No, clearly. He prefers us to be confident in Him and close to Him, leaning on Him and talking with Him and casting all our cares upon Him. We do this one day at a time.
One day alone can contain all the agony of defeat and all the thrill of victory more up close and personal than any one remembered year.
This morning, when I logged onto the Biblegateway, I found this verse. It was in the NIV, but I switched it to the Amplified Bible, because it's just more beautiful in that version:
"The secret [of the sweet, satisfying companionship] of the Lord have they who fear (revere and worship) Him, and He will show them His covenant and reveal to them its [deep, inner] meaning.
My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for He will pluck my feet out of the net."
Psalm 25:14-15
I was logging on to look up this verse:
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God [Who is the Source] of every comfort (consolation and encouragement), Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble (calamity and affliction), so that we may also be able to comfort (console and encourage) those who are in any kind of trouble or distress, with the comfort (consolation and encouragement) with which we ourselves are comforted (consoled and encouraged) by God."
II Corinthians 1:3-4
Isn't that beautiful? I wonder how many verses in the Bible just lie there in waiting, ready to blossom open into a deeper understanding at the right time.
Lately, I've been telling Him that I wish He had put more in the way of the Gospels in the Bible. I wish I could see more of what He did and said. When I bring this up to Christ, He tells me that I can see and know Him, living, in my own life. He's writing a living story with my life and He's all through it, right with me. It's not a story that many people will ever know, but it's still Authored by Him.
Then, this morning, I read this:
For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live].
Ephesians 2:10
(What a mind blowing book Ephesians is, by the way! My goodness.)
And He reminds me that it was better that He should go away, so that the Comforter could come.
And He is comforting! I used to read that and think, yes, yes, in theory, His is comforting- in practise, He is demanding. But it was my own awful self judgement that was demanding- it was the implacable law that was demanding. Jesus Himself is comforting.
When He teaches and guides me, He is loving and gentle. When He corrects me, I hardly know it, it's so natural and loving. It's as though He actually were a Good Shepherd! Who knew.
The things He asks us to do, I am realizing, are just common sense. The fruit of the Spirit are principles to live out and grow into, as opposed to specific rules that we follow.
At the end of the day, as I'm lying there in the dark, beating up on myself, He steps in and contradicts me left and right. He really is comforting and encouraging, in very practical and specific ways.
Actually, for a while last night I was so lost in self condemnation that I kept myself away from Him. That's the major problem with self condemnation, in my experience. My shame cuts Him out. And that's very unfortunate-
"For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning.
Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God's unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find grace to help in good time for every need [appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it]."
Hebrews 4:15-16
Fearlessly and confidently and boldly! Wow. But did He suffer as He did for less than that? Did He die so that we could timidly and shamefully and fearfully entreat Him from a safe distance?
No, clearly. He prefers us to be confident in Him and close to Him, leaning on Him and talking with Him and casting all our cares upon Him. We do this one day at a time.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
October 15th
It's actually cold outside this morning! Okay, so it's not really cold- it's actually closer to chilly, but still. There's one red tree in the neighborhood so far, but the trees and shrubs behind our fence are slowly turning yellow, one leaf at a time.
The pool person still comes, don't ask me why. Only a person from the far northern latitudes, like Norway or Greenland could think our pool a pleasant place of relaxation and exercise at its current temperature. And then only after a really, really hot sauna.
I worked on Torii yesterday. I was afraid that I would have forgotten where I was or what I was doing, but I remembered how I was unraveling and then knitting it back together. I got a lot done- I'm almost through with the massive rewrite that takes out the dog sled journey and replaces it with one by sea.
I have been discovering that, for me, it's much easier to understand the Bible if I read it one book at a time, as opposed to one chapter at a time. Chapter by chapter, it's harder to understand the building themes and main points.
Of course, there's no one way to read it, but just for myself, reading it book by book has really opened up my understanding of it.
It's also really helpful to know who wrote it and the audience they were writing it for.
I've branched out into the books of the New Testament, bit by bit. I can only do so much before I'm overwhelmed by information and concepts, and all my old baggage that He is taking away now, piece by piece.
I've been familiar with the Bible my whole life, but I don't think I ever really... saw it or experienced it as well as I am now, and as it is, I'm far from understanding it now. I don't think a person ever really can completely understand it.
And then, after I get overwhelmed, I like to go back and read the gospel of John. I like just thinking about what is true of Him- like the fact that He is my God, but also my Brother. How amazing is that? How amazing is it that we are in the family of God Himself? And not in any temporary or merely symbolic way, but actually born again, born of the Spirit.
So, when I begin to say the first part of the Lord's Prayer, I get struck by the wonder of it- "Our Father..." it begins. I'm saying it with Christ, and together we are saying "Our Father..." His Father is also my Father! How incredible! How vast and unknowable and beyond anything I could ever deserve or earn by my small human actions.
And I like to think about how Christ is the only and uniquely begotten Son of God. The very nature of God is to be in relationship to Himself. And, from reading John, one gets this glimpse of an incredibly loving relationship between them.
Jesus is always doing only the thing that pleases His Father, because He loves His Father. And His Father is always glorifying and loving His Son, because He loves His Son, and does His will. Jesus is giving God the glory, and God is giving Him the glory and so on and so forth.
In a documentary recently, I watched the story of Abraham about to sacrifice his only son. God told Abraham to take his son, his only son, whom he loved, and give his life to God. Of course, at the last minute, God stops him and spares his son.
It struck me right to the heart, because what God spared Abraham, He did not spare Himself. He did not spare His only and uniquely begotten Son from being slain. He didn't stretch forth His hand and say, Stop! This is my only begotten Son, whom I love and in whom I am well pleased. You won't touch a hair on His head.
There was no ram in the thicket for Jesus- no one else could shoulder that load, no one else could lay down their life, in order to take it up again. He had to pass through it and drink the cup right to the dregs. The mercy that God extended to Abraham's son, He did not extend to His own.
Of course, we know why. It's so that, together with Christ, we can say, "Our Father."
The pool person still comes, don't ask me why. Only a person from the far northern latitudes, like Norway or Greenland could think our pool a pleasant place of relaxation and exercise at its current temperature. And then only after a really, really hot sauna.
I worked on Torii yesterday. I was afraid that I would have forgotten where I was or what I was doing, but I remembered how I was unraveling and then knitting it back together. I got a lot done- I'm almost through with the massive rewrite that takes out the dog sled journey and replaces it with one by sea.
I have been discovering that, for me, it's much easier to understand the Bible if I read it one book at a time, as opposed to one chapter at a time. Chapter by chapter, it's harder to understand the building themes and main points.
Of course, there's no one way to read it, but just for myself, reading it book by book has really opened up my understanding of it.
It's also really helpful to know who wrote it and the audience they were writing it for.
I've branched out into the books of the New Testament, bit by bit. I can only do so much before I'm overwhelmed by information and concepts, and all my old baggage that He is taking away now, piece by piece.
I've been familiar with the Bible my whole life, but I don't think I ever really... saw it or experienced it as well as I am now, and as it is, I'm far from understanding it now. I don't think a person ever really can completely understand it.
And then, after I get overwhelmed, I like to go back and read the gospel of John. I like just thinking about what is true of Him- like the fact that He is my God, but also my Brother. How amazing is that? How amazing is it that we are in the family of God Himself? And not in any temporary or merely symbolic way, but actually born again, born of the Spirit.
So, when I begin to say the first part of the Lord's Prayer, I get struck by the wonder of it- "Our Father..." it begins. I'm saying it with Christ, and together we are saying "Our Father..." His Father is also my Father! How incredible! How vast and unknowable and beyond anything I could ever deserve or earn by my small human actions.
And I like to think about how Christ is the only and uniquely begotten Son of God. The very nature of God is to be in relationship to Himself. And, from reading John, one gets this glimpse of an incredibly loving relationship between them.
Jesus is always doing only the thing that pleases His Father, because He loves His Father. And His Father is always glorifying and loving His Son, because He loves His Son, and does His will. Jesus is giving God the glory, and God is giving Him the glory and so on and so forth.
In a documentary recently, I watched the story of Abraham about to sacrifice his only son. God told Abraham to take his son, his only son, whom he loved, and give his life to God. Of course, at the last minute, God stops him and spares his son.
It struck me right to the heart, because what God spared Abraham, He did not spare Himself. He did not spare His only and uniquely begotten Son from being slain. He didn't stretch forth His hand and say, Stop! This is my only begotten Son, whom I love and in whom I am well pleased. You won't touch a hair on His head.
There was no ram in the thicket for Jesus- no one else could shoulder that load, no one else could lay down their life, in order to take it up again. He had to pass through it and drink the cup right to the dregs. The mercy that God extended to Abraham's son, He did not extend to His own.
Of course, we know why. It's so that, together with Christ, we can say, "Our Father."
Friday, October 14, 2011
October 14th
I am still having just the hardest time trying to figure out how to blog about my life lately. I just feel so unqualified to talk about God, and yet that is almost all that I think about.
I'm pretty sure that today I'm going to get back into Torii. I've been re reading it, and I really like it, but oh my goodness! It needs so much work.
In the meantime, this is something I've been mulling over-
Recently, I was reading the story where Jesus is walking on water and terrifies His guys, who are struggling against the storm in the boat.
And Peter, in a moment of courage, says, if it's really You, call me to come to You.
Christ says, Come ahead.
And Peter begins walking across the water to Him. But he looks away and sees the wind and the waves and his terror envelopes him.
It doesn't say, but maybe, in that moment, he can't think how he got there and the sheer impossibility of where he is swamps his human mind like the waves do his feet and then his knees as he sinks in.
He cried, Lord, save me.
And without hesitation, Christ grasps hold of his hand and pulls Peter out of the water.
"Faint-heart, what got into you?" is how the Message translates Christ's words to Peter. This translation makes me smile every time. It just seems such a fond and tender thing to say.
And it makes me think of this verse from the letter to those crazy Galatians:
"For [if we are] in Christ Jesus, neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith activated and energized and expressed and working through love."
I like that phrase very much- faith expressed in love. It seems that was what Peter was expressing. By faith he walked over the water- but I'll bet he left the boat out of love. Anyway, that's why I would have left it.
Being in His presence is a little like walking on water. I can't see Him, but I know that He is there. If I look away from Him and focus on what I see around me, or what I am in my own strength, it's as though I begin to sink into that. I feel scared and overwhelmed.
Then I call out to Him and it turns out that Christ is right there. He was right there all along. He takes my hand and pulls me right up close to Him.
If we ask if we can come to Him, He will say, By all means, come here. We can come right up to Him; we can walk right over the water to Him.
Naturally, this causes me to love Him even more.
I like how John put it so simply: "We love Him, because first He loved us."
I'm pretty sure that today I'm going to get back into Torii. I've been re reading it, and I really like it, but oh my goodness! It needs so much work.
In the meantime, this is something I've been mulling over-
Recently, I was reading the story where Jesus is walking on water and terrifies His guys, who are struggling against the storm in the boat.
And Peter, in a moment of courage, says, if it's really You, call me to come to You.
Christ says, Come ahead.
And Peter begins walking across the water to Him. But he looks away and sees the wind and the waves and his terror envelopes him.
It doesn't say, but maybe, in that moment, he can't think how he got there and the sheer impossibility of where he is swamps his human mind like the waves do his feet and then his knees as he sinks in.
He cried, Lord, save me.
And without hesitation, Christ grasps hold of his hand and pulls Peter out of the water.
"Faint-heart, what got into you?" is how the Message translates Christ's words to Peter. This translation makes me smile every time. It just seems such a fond and tender thing to say.
And it makes me think of this verse from the letter to those crazy Galatians:
"For [if we are] in Christ Jesus, neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith activated and energized and expressed and working through love."
I like that phrase very much- faith expressed in love. It seems that was what Peter was expressing. By faith he walked over the water- but I'll bet he left the boat out of love. Anyway, that's why I would have left it.
Being in His presence is a little like walking on water. I can't see Him, but I know that He is there. If I look away from Him and focus on what I see around me, or what I am in my own strength, it's as though I begin to sink into that. I feel scared and overwhelmed.
Then I call out to Him and it turns out that Christ is right there. He was right there all along. He takes my hand and pulls me right up close to Him.
If we ask if we can come to Him, He will say, By all means, come here. We can come right up to Him; we can walk right over the water to Him.
Naturally, this causes me to love Him even more.
I like how John put it so simply: "We love Him, because first He loved us."
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
October 11th
What has happened to my blog? Seriously.
A week and a half ago, I was happily blogging away about writing, with the occasional blog post dedicated to anime and church experiences thrown in for good measure.
Every time I look back and wonder what the heck happened, I remember writing these words:
"It feels like the church wants to play three important roles in my life: to be a direct pipeline to God, to be a translation for His voice and to verify that my actions are acceptable.
The problem is, I grow increasingly jealous of those roles; I want them for Christ."
I cannot help but think there is a correlation between what I blogged then and how I began to experience Him, beginning the very next day.
But it's much more than that. I can look back further, even in just this blog, and see how my experience and understanding of God has grown. I remember in Kentucky, being incredibly, overwhelmingly angry at Him, and how terrifying that felt.
I remember blogging about the "right religious program" and then wondering if it was possible just to live in the question, as it were. To not be sure about the "right" way, but to just surrender oneself to God regardless, in faith and hope.
I couldn't sustain it, because my shame and fear were too overwhelming for my own strength. I backed away.
Still, I continued to experience moments of incredible grace and love. For example, during the church service about how God disciplines those that He loves, I felt Christ's love surround me and quiet my fears. He said that I don't have to worry about making my case to the Heavenly Father, that was His job.
When we moved here, we started looking for church. I wanted a sense of community, but at a deeper level, I wanted to confront my old and very deeply embedded fears and shame that kept me so tightly bound. That's why I kept going, even when it was painful. I didn't want my personal status quo anymore, I wanted to be free of it.
The problem was, I couldn't free myself from it- not on my own. So, now I am realizing, Christ came and did the work Himself. It throws me into the most incredible awe.
Lately, I just keep thinking that ultimately, the purpose of life is to know God. For me, this is what makes everything good in my life even better, and everything bad in my life endurable. Growing in knowledge of Him holds all of my life together. It's the common, golden thread that makes its way through every experience and every stage of my life.
A week and a half ago, I was happily blogging away about writing, with the occasional blog post dedicated to anime and church experiences thrown in for good measure.
Every time I look back and wonder what the heck happened, I remember writing these words:
"It feels like the church wants to play three important roles in my life: to be a direct pipeline to God, to be a translation for His voice and to verify that my actions are acceptable.
The problem is, I grow increasingly jealous of those roles; I want them for Christ."
I cannot help but think there is a correlation between what I blogged then and how I began to experience Him, beginning the very next day.
But it's much more than that. I can look back further, even in just this blog, and see how my experience and understanding of God has grown. I remember in Kentucky, being incredibly, overwhelmingly angry at Him, and how terrifying that felt.
I remember blogging about the "right religious program" and then wondering if it was possible just to live in the question, as it were. To not be sure about the "right" way, but to just surrender oneself to God regardless, in faith and hope.
I couldn't sustain it, because my shame and fear were too overwhelming for my own strength. I backed away.
Still, I continued to experience moments of incredible grace and love. For example, during the church service about how God disciplines those that He loves, I felt Christ's love surround me and quiet my fears. He said that I don't have to worry about making my case to the Heavenly Father, that was His job.
When we moved here, we started looking for church. I wanted a sense of community, but at a deeper level, I wanted to confront my old and very deeply embedded fears and shame that kept me so tightly bound. That's why I kept going, even when it was painful. I didn't want my personal status quo anymore, I wanted to be free of it.
The problem was, I couldn't free myself from it- not on my own. So, now I am realizing, Christ came and did the work Himself. It throws me into the most incredible awe.
Lately, I just keep thinking that ultimately, the purpose of life is to know God. For me, this is what makes everything good in my life even better, and everything bad in my life endurable. Growing in knowledge of Him holds all of my life together. It's the common, golden thread that makes its way through every experience and every stage of my life.
Monday, October 10, 2011
October 10th
Another soft, rainy morning! I love these mornings.
It's been dawning on me lately, the multitude of thoughts and beliefs that are out there and available, even just within the Christian community. One person says it's this way and another person experiences it another way.
It's mind boggling, really. It makes me start to feel all anxious and confused, as if not sure in which direction to go. Then, it's as though I want Jesus to lay everything out for me, like a detailed map, with routes in different colors and a way to measure distance and what belongs where and how.
And I keep hearing Him say, Just keep looking at Me. Never mind what other people are doing or how they are living their life; that's between Myself and them. I want you to stay right here, in Me- I am enough for you.
So, I was thinking and thinking about that this morning, and how well that suited me and how much comfort that held. It's such a relief not to have to figure everything out. If I live out the truth He is leading me into, that's a good testimony. I just live in Him.
So, I was reading, and I came across this:
My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.
Watch out for people who try to dazzle you with big words and intellectual double-talk. They want to drag you off into endless arguments that never amount to anything. They spread their ideas through the empty traditions of human beings and the empty superstitions of spirit beings. But that's not the way of Christ. Everything of God gets expressed in him, so you can see and hear him clearly. You don't need a telescope, a microscope, or a horoscope to realize the fullness of Christ, and the emptiness of the universe without him. When you come to him, that fullness comes together for you, too. His power extends over everything.
Colossians 2:6-10
Isn't that marvelous? When I read it, I laughed out loud. Keith was over playing a video game and asked me what was so funny. But it wasn't so much that it was funny, as it was just so joyfully liberating.
He is just so good.
It's been dawning on me lately, the multitude of thoughts and beliefs that are out there and available, even just within the Christian community. One person says it's this way and another person experiences it another way.
It's mind boggling, really. It makes me start to feel all anxious and confused, as if not sure in which direction to go. Then, it's as though I want Jesus to lay everything out for me, like a detailed map, with routes in different colors and a way to measure distance and what belongs where and how.
And I keep hearing Him say, Just keep looking at Me. Never mind what other people are doing or how they are living their life; that's between Myself and them. I want you to stay right here, in Me- I am enough for you.
So, I was thinking and thinking about that this morning, and how well that suited me and how much comfort that held. It's such a relief not to have to figure everything out. If I live out the truth He is leading me into, that's a good testimony. I just live in Him.
So, I was reading, and I came across this:
My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.
Watch out for people who try to dazzle you with big words and intellectual double-talk. They want to drag you off into endless arguments that never amount to anything. They spread their ideas through the empty traditions of human beings and the empty superstitions of spirit beings. But that's not the way of Christ. Everything of God gets expressed in him, so you can see and hear him clearly. You don't need a telescope, a microscope, or a horoscope to realize the fullness of Christ, and the emptiness of the universe without him. When you come to him, that fullness comes together for you, too. His power extends over everything.
Colossians 2:6-10
Isn't that marvelous? When I read it, I laughed out loud. Keith was over playing a video game and asked me what was so funny. But it wasn't so much that it was funny, as it was just so joyfully liberating.
He is just so good.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
October 9th
It's a lovely, soft and rainy morning.
I keep thinking, I really have to stop talking about how I experience God or people really are going to think I've gone off the deep end. This probably reflects as much my own amazement as anything else.
When I was growing up in the Christian church, I learned that it was possible to experience the presence of God- usually in church, though not always. I also learned about hearing the voice of God. I learned that this can be through a verse, or something is impressed on our hearts- which I think means through our spirit, or by some outside source that confirms our internal question.
I was very familiar with these things growing up. I was cautioned though, to double check everything I might have "heard" to the Bible, to verify that it was from God. I still do that, actually, and I like it best when He speaks to me through verses, though He has many ways of communicating with us.
So, what I am experiencing is not actually all that strange, it's just that, I've never experienced it in such a prolonged way- like, day after day and night after night. And never with such tender and loving attention to detail.
And when I say that I heard Christ speak, just in case you are wondering, I am not actually hearing a voice. I hear Him in my spirit, as He illuminates an idea or concept for me.
And lots of times, I ask Him things and don't get an exact reply. He's not like a Ouija board or a Magic Eight ball- I can't shake Him until the right answer comes out.
I was talking to my dad this morning about a particular quandary and Dad said "Why don't you try asking Him?"
And I was all, "I did, but He didn't answer and I can't conjure Him. He's sovereign."
Dad laughed. "Darn! You mean, you can't control God?"
"I know, right? What's up with that?"
As C.S. Lewis has said so well- He's not a tame lion.
But we can talk to Him, and He hears us. And He is right next to us, whether we feel Him or not. And even when He does not answer, He cares intimately about what we are saying and feeling. He doesn't forget anything we tell Him.
That alone is such wealth! The fact that sometimes, He speaks directly to us, in our heart or spirit, or whatever, is beyond amazing.
I keep thinking, I really have to stop talking about how I experience God or people really are going to think I've gone off the deep end. This probably reflects as much my own amazement as anything else.
When I was growing up in the Christian church, I learned that it was possible to experience the presence of God- usually in church, though not always. I also learned about hearing the voice of God. I learned that this can be through a verse, or something is impressed on our hearts- which I think means through our spirit, or by some outside source that confirms our internal question.
I was very familiar with these things growing up. I was cautioned though, to double check everything I might have "heard" to the Bible, to verify that it was from God. I still do that, actually, and I like it best when He speaks to me through verses, though He has many ways of communicating with us.
So, what I am experiencing is not actually all that strange, it's just that, I've never experienced it in such a prolonged way- like, day after day and night after night. And never with such tender and loving attention to detail.
And when I say that I heard Christ speak, just in case you are wondering, I am not actually hearing a voice. I hear Him in my spirit, as He illuminates an idea or concept for me.
And lots of times, I ask Him things and don't get an exact reply. He's not like a Ouija board or a Magic Eight ball- I can't shake Him until the right answer comes out.
I was talking to my dad this morning about a particular quandary and Dad said "Why don't you try asking Him?"
And I was all, "I did, but He didn't answer and I can't conjure Him. He's sovereign."
Dad laughed. "Darn! You mean, you can't control God?"
"I know, right? What's up with that?"
As C.S. Lewis has said so well- He's not a tame lion.
But we can talk to Him, and He hears us. And He is right next to us, whether we feel Him or not. And even when He does not answer, He cares intimately about what we are saying and feeling. He doesn't forget anything we tell Him.
That alone is such wealth! The fact that sometimes, He speaks directly to us, in our heart or spirit, or whatever, is beyond amazing.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
October 8th
So yesterday we had guests over.
For some reason, the wife's usual negativity really, really hurt- worse than usual. In fact, I found myself on the verge of tears on more than one occasion.
For some other reason, I felt as if this were a failure on my part. I kept asking Christ, "Why aren't I doing better? Why am I actually doing worse? This is horrible. I have to pull myself together. This is a train wreck."
By the time I went to bed, I felt as if I were bruised, bleeding and battered on the inside. I felt as if I'd done nothing but let Him down; just one mistake after another. When I went to bed, I just started pouring out my distress.
The first thing He said to me was: "I empathize. I was insulted, scorned and deliberately misunderstood as well."
My first and overpowering instinct at this was to feel outraged on His behalf. I was all, "How can You even compare Your incredible anguish to my slight suffering?"
It actually took me a little while to get over the outrage so that I could accept the comfort He was offering me. I kept wanting to chide Him for making light of His own suffering, when all I had was a slightly bruised ego. And that should surely be good for me, right?
But He didn't see it that way. He didn't diminish my pain- He acknowledged it. It occurs to me now that something cannot be healed unless it is first recognized.
I thought about how I usually respond to her. I usually just push away what she is saying, which is in essence, to pretend. In a way, it is diminishing her. I am sort of saying, "What you say and what you are do not matter to me. I am impervious to you."
Whereas, if I respond honestly to her by giving voice and expression to my pain, that's giving both her and myself the gift of authenticity, at the very least. It doesn't resolve the situation, but it dignifies it with reality. And that surely is heading in the right direction.
Surely in the end, authenticity is more an act of love that false and impervious cheerfulness.
I'm still thinking this over. It a hard one to wrap one's mind around.
But still, I had to ask, why do I keep failing?
I do, too. A hundred times a day, I feel as if I have failed. I used to judge myself viciously for these things, just beat up on myself.
Two days into this whole process, I had done this for like the twentieth time, and I heard Him speak sternly to me for the first time ever. But it was still loving.
I don't think I've ever before experienced sternness and love both genuinely combined. It was actually incredibly relieving.
He said, "Enough. No more judging yourself. All judgements and the whole business of judging were given to me."
It was as though I were a child, and I had a stick and was using it to hit myself over the head. It was as though He said, "Surrender the stick! No more stick for you! Now let's start over."
Now I no longer beat myself up, but I still feel bad. Each time, I reach out to Him. It's wordless now. It's a swift process of yeilding back into Him. Immediately, I feel refreshed and relieved. But I do this about a hundred times a day.
When I asked Him why I had to do this so often, He replied, "Because you're human."
What a surprise, right? It made me laugh. Then He reminded me of how much I'd already grown.
I understand now, more and more, why John described Him as full of grace and truth.
I read this verse in the Bible, it says, "Who taught God? What school did He go to, to learn Justice?"
I thought about that. He didn't have to learn justice, because He is justice. The same with love and compassion and mercy. He didn't have to learn these things, because they flow out of who He is.
So, He doesn't run out. It doesn't tax Him. He loves the work of restoring and healing us.
For some reason, the wife's usual negativity really, really hurt- worse than usual. In fact, I found myself on the verge of tears on more than one occasion.
For some other reason, I felt as if this were a failure on my part. I kept asking Christ, "Why aren't I doing better? Why am I actually doing worse? This is horrible. I have to pull myself together. This is a train wreck."
By the time I went to bed, I felt as if I were bruised, bleeding and battered on the inside. I felt as if I'd done nothing but let Him down; just one mistake after another. When I went to bed, I just started pouring out my distress.
The first thing He said to me was: "I empathize. I was insulted, scorned and deliberately misunderstood as well."
My first and overpowering instinct at this was to feel outraged on His behalf. I was all, "How can You even compare Your incredible anguish to my slight suffering?"
It actually took me a little while to get over the outrage so that I could accept the comfort He was offering me. I kept wanting to chide Him for making light of His own suffering, when all I had was a slightly bruised ego. And that should surely be good for me, right?
But He didn't see it that way. He didn't diminish my pain- He acknowledged it. It occurs to me now that something cannot be healed unless it is first recognized.
I thought about how I usually respond to her. I usually just push away what she is saying, which is in essence, to pretend. In a way, it is diminishing her. I am sort of saying, "What you say and what you are do not matter to me. I am impervious to you."
Whereas, if I respond honestly to her by giving voice and expression to my pain, that's giving both her and myself the gift of authenticity, at the very least. It doesn't resolve the situation, but it dignifies it with reality. And that surely is heading in the right direction.
Surely in the end, authenticity is more an act of love that false and impervious cheerfulness.
I'm still thinking this over. It a hard one to wrap one's mind around.
But still, I had to ask, why do I keep failing?
I do, too. A hundred times a day, I feel as if I have failed. I used to judge myself viciously for these things, just beat up on myself.
Two days into this whole process, I had done this for like the twentieth time, and I heard Him speak sternly to me for the first time ever. But it was still loving.
I don't think I've ever before experienced sternness and love both genuinely combined. It was actually incredibly relieving.
He said, "Enough. No more judging yourself. All judgements and the whole business of judging were given to me."
It was as though I were a child, and I had a stick and was using it to hit myself over the head. It was as though He said, "Surrender the stick! No more stick for you! Now let's start over."
Now I no longer beat myself up, but I still feel bad. Each time, I reach out to Him. It's wordless now. It's a swift process of yeilding back into Him. Immediately, I feel refreshed and relieved. But I do this about a hundred times a day.
When I asked Him why I had to do this so often, He replied, "Because you're human."
What a surprise, right? It made me laugh. Then He reminded me of how much I'd already grown.
I understand now, more and more, why John described Him as full of grace and truth.
I read this verse in the Bible, it says, "Who taught God? What school did He go to, to learn Justice?"
I thought about that. He didn't have to learn justice, because He is justice. The same with love and compassion and mercy. He didn't have to learn these things, because they flow out of who He is.
So, He doesn't run out. It doesn't tax Him. He loves the work of restoring and healing us.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
October 6th
I keep wondering what this blog must sound like to someone who hasn't had a Christian background. I can see someone being all, "Aww! Isn't that cute. She so longs to experience God that she's making him up. That's kind of adorable... and a little creepy."
I think I would think that too. Only, then I would begin to wonder, what if He is real? What if she is talking to Him? What if it's possible to talk to God? Oh my goodness. I must look into this.
Heh.
And I have to blog about it or I will burst.
Okay, maybe not literally, but I would end up talking to the dogs, at great length and with great animation, about how amazing Christ is. And that's just not the same.
So, last night I was reading about the part where Christ said, "I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing."
And fear gripped me. I thought, Oh no! What if I'm not producing fruit?? I'll be cast off! Thrown away!! Burned!!!
Which is another prime example of why I used to never, ever read the Bible.
Then I wondered, what is this fruit, exactly? I vaguely remembered something about fruits of the spirit from Sunday School lessons of long ago, but I couldn't bring them to mind.
So I googled it.
I saw a link that had the typical kind of thinking about this topic, the approach that I am familiar with:
"Do you see these fruits in your life?" it asked, ominously. "How much of these can you identify?"
So, as gingerly as possible, I skimmed over that link, looking only for the verse. It was in Galatians, chapter 5.
My heart sank. I had a bad feeling about Galatians. It would be one of those books of the Bible that talk about the wretchedness of my condition and how full of sin and vice I am.
And it was late at night, and I wasn't up for directly re-engaging another old pattern of condemning thought.
Still though, I looked it up. Here's what I found:
"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.
I am emphatic about this. The moment any one of you submits to circumcision or any other rule-keeping system, at that same moment Christ's hard-won gift of freedom is squandered. I repeat my warning: The person who accepts the ways of circumcision trades all the advantages of the free life in Christ for the obligations of the slave life of the law. I suspect you would never intend this, but this is what happens. When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace. Meanwhile we expectantly wait for a satisfying relationship with the Spirit. For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love." Galatians 5:1-3
So... I'm just sitting there, stunned. Stunned. I had to pound the desk with my fist a couple times. I had to read it over and over again.
Then I read some more.
"You crazy Galatians! Did someone put a hex on you? Have you taken leave of your senses? Something crazy has happened, for it's obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your lives. His sacrifice on the cross was certainly set before you clearly enough.
Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!
Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you?"
Galatians 3:1-5
I was torn between jumping up and down out of sheer joy and pounding my head against the wall out of sheer frustration. It was here all my life, and I never got this before. I never understood it, and it was always right there.
I had to pull up facebook and virtually yell at my poor dad, who happened to be on line, thank goodness.
I was all: "HAVE YOU READ GALATIANS???? OH MY GOD!!!!!! WHERE HAS THIS BEEN ALL MY LIFE????"
Poor dad.
And just because I haven't thrown enough Galatians at you, here's some more:
"Have some of you noticed that we are not yet perfect? (No great surprise, right?) And are you ready to make the accusation that since people like me, who go through Christ in order to get things right with God, aren't perfectly virtuous, Christ must therefore be an accessory to sin? The accusation is frivolous. If I was "trying to be good," I would be rebuilding the same old barn that I tore down. I would be acting as a charlatan.
What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily."
Galatians 2:17-21 The Message
I highly recommend reading the entire book. It does also talk about the fruits of the spirit, and I was rather taken aback to realize that... wait for it... I actually recognized some of them in my character.
Of course, I can't take any credit for them... thankfully!
Oh, and, "You crazy Galatians!" is now my new and awesome catch phrase.
I think I would think that too. Only, then I would begin to wonder, what if He is real? What if she is talking to Him? What if it's possible to talk to God? Oh my goodness. I must look into this.
Heh.
And I have to blog about it or I will burst.
Okay, maybe not literally, but I would end up talking to the dogs, at great length and with great animation, about how amazing Christ is. And that's just not the same.
So, last night I was reading about the part where Christ said, "I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing."
And fear gripped me. I thought, Oh no! What if I'm not producing fruit?? I'll be cast off! Thrown away!! Burned!!!
Which is another prime example of why I used to never, ever read the Bible.
Then I wondered, what is this fruit, exactly? I vaguely remembered something about fruits of the spirit from Sunday School lessons of long ago, but I couldn't bring them to mind.
So I googled it.
I saw a link that had the typical kind of thinking about this topic, the approach that I am familiar with:
"Do you see these fruits in your life?" it asked, ominously. "How much of these can you identify?"
So, as gingerly as possible, I skimmed over that link, looking only for the verse. It was in Galatians, chapter 5.
My heart sank. I had a bad feeling about Galatians. It would be one of those books of the Bible that talk about the wretchedness of my condition and how full of sin and vice I am.
And it was late at night, and I wasn't up for directly re-engaging another old pattern of condemning thought.
Still though, I looked it up. Here's what I found:
"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.
I am emphatic about this. The moment any one of you submits to circumcision or any other rule-keeping system, at that same moment Christ's hard-won gift of freedom is squandered. I repeat my warning: The person who accepts the ways of circumcision trades all the advantages of the free life in Christ for the obligations of the slave life of the law. I suspect you would never intend this, but this is what happens. When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace. Meanwhile we expectantly wait for a satisfying relationship with the Spirit. For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love." Galatians 5:1-3
So... I'm just sitting there, stunned. Stunned. I had to pound the desk with my fist a couple times. I had to read it over and over again.
Then I read some more.
"You crazy Galatians! Did someone put a hex on you? Have you taken leave of your senses? Something crazy has happened, for it's obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your lives. His sacrifice on the cross was certainly set before you clearly enough.
Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!
Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you?"
Galatians 3:1-5
I was torn between jumping up and down out of sheer joy and pounding my head against the wall out of sheer frustration. It was here all my life, and I never got this before. I never understood it, and it was always right there.
I had to pull up facebook and virtually yell at my poor dad, who happened to be on line, thank goodness.
I was all: "HAVE YOU READ GALATIANS???? OH MY GOD!!!!!! WHERE HAS THIS BEEN ALL MY LIFE????"
Poor dad.
And just because I haven't thrown enough Galatians at you, here's some more:
"Have some of you noticed that we are not yet perfect? (No great surprise, right?) And are you ready to make the accusation that since people like me, who go through Christ in order to get things right with God, aren't perfectly virtuous, Christ must therefore be an accessory to sin? The accusation is frivolous. If I was "trying to be good," I would be rebuilding the same old barn that I tore down. I would be acting as a charlatan.
What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily."
Galatians 2:17-21 The Message
I highly recommend reading the entire book. It does also talk about the fruits of the spirit, and I was rather taken aback to realize that... wait for it... I actually recognized some of them in my character.
Of course, I can't take any credit for them... thankfully!
Oh, and, "You crazy Galatians!" is now my new and awesome catch phrase.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
October 5th
So, last night, as we were all snuggled up in bed, Keith said, "Tell me a good story out of the Bible. But it has to be a good one!"
Like, he was afraid I would go off on a story that proved he was a miserable person and living his life all wrong, which is exactly what I was afraid of finding in there as well.
The problem was, I had a hard time trying to put into words what I was learning. The same goes for this blog. I find it increasingly difficult to articulate my experiences.
You know why, in my stories, I always have the main character fall in love with someone who is not entirely human? It's because, from the time I was a young girl, I was intoxicated with the idea that I was loved by God Himself. I just can't think of anything more thrilling than that.
I still can't.
I used to think I would have to wait until the next life before I could be near Him. Now I know I was wrong.
I used to think that following the rules was the same as following Him. Now I know I was wrong. I follow Him because I can't keep the rules, no one of us can. He could, and because He lives in us, the rules are satisfied through Him. He will continuously transform my life from the inside out.
I used to think He was put off by my human nature. What a thing to think! He's the author of my human nature! He understands me better than I understand myself.
I used to think that He was callous toward my physical body, and that He valued only my spiritual being. Now I know I was wrong.
These five or so days have been a time of intense healing. He did not hesitate to reach right down into the heart of my wounds. He poured out His love in ways that were tender and practical, as well as in ways that were beyond understanding.
It was as though I saw Him! I read verses I've read many times before, only this time, they were alive. He was peeling back layer after layer of shame and fear.
At some point yesterday, I remembered that I used to read the Song of Songs. I remembered specifically one phrase: Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm. I remembered how passionately I had prayed that.
Yesterday, He told me, "I heard you. I never forgot."
I wish I could blog better about how I am feeling, but I can't. Anyway, my life hasn't radically changed. It's almost the same outward life. He did not lay any awful or unnatural burden on me. I do everything that I used to do, only it means more and I feel more joy in doing it.
At some point here, I'll start writing again, and who knows how Torii will be impacted by all this.
But I don't have to worry about tomorrow. I have all of today to live in.
Like, he was afraid I would go off on a story that proved he was a miserable person and living his life all wrong, which is exactly what I was afraid of finding in there as well.
The problem was, I had a hard time trying to put into words what I was learning. The same goes for this blog. I find it increasingly difficult to articulate my experiences.
You know why, in my stories, I always have the main character fall in love with someone who is not entirely human? It's because, from the time I was a young girl, I was intoxicated with the idea that I was loved by God Himself. I just can't think of anything more thrilling than that.
I still can't.
I used to think I would have to wait until the next life before I could be near Him. Now I know I was wrong.
I used to think that following the rules was the same as following Him. Now I know I was wrong. I follow Him because I can't keep the rules, no one of us can. He could, and because He lives in us, the rules are satisfied through Him. He will continuously transform my life from the inside out.
I used to think He was put off by my human nature. What a thing to think! He's the author of my human nature! He understands me better than I understand myself.
I used to think that He was callous toward my physical body, and that He valued only my spiritual being. Now I know I was wrong.
These five or so days have been a time of intense healing. He did not hesitate to reach right down into the heart of my wounds. He poured out His love in ways that were tender and practical, as well as in ways that were beyond understanding.
It was as though I saw Him! I read verses I've read many times before, only this time, they were alive. He was peeling back layer after layer of shame and fear.
At some point yesterday, I remembered that I used to read the Song of Songs. I remembered specifically one phrase: Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm. I remembered how passionately I had prayed that.
Yesterday, He told me, "I heard you. I never forgot."
I wish I could blog better about how I am feeling, but I can't. Anyway, my life hasn't radically changed. It's almost the same outward life. He did not lay any awful or unnatural burden on me. I do everything that I used to do, only it means more and I feel more joy in doing it.
At some point here, I'll start writing again, and who knows how Torii will be impacted by all this.
But I don't have to worry about tomorrow. I have all of today to live in.
Monday, October 3, 2011
October 3rd
Yesterday morning, as I sat down to work on this blog, I was all, I can't sling another one at them! And by the way, when is everything going to go back to normal? Besides, what if I'm making You look ridiculous? Who am I to say what You're like?
I don't want it to go back to normal. I never want it to. But I could write a blog about how Keith and I went to the Aquarium, and it was the first time he ever saw a shark.
...or I could blog about how God told me to take a jacket with me.
How do you know it was God? you may well ask. Well, I talk to myself so much, believe me, I know the sound of my own voice. And He's been talking to me so much lately that I'm getting really good at recognizing His. Besides, as His sheep, we know His voice and will follow Him, but the voice of a stranger we will run from.
Did I take the jacket? No. I was all, I'm fine! It's warm out. But that's sweet of you.
Guess what? Big surprise- Atlanta was cold.
Was He angry? Not at all. He was with me just the same, only I was cold. But I've been amazed to realize how practical He is. He cares about the stuff of daily life.
Sometimes I think, I must be boring Him, or that He must be getting tired of constantly being drawn into my internal dialogue.
So I checked in on that. Immediately He said that His thoughts toward me were so vast they were beyond counting and I wasn't tiring Him out in the least.
How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
Psalm 139:17-18
So, last night, I decided I should pray the Lord's Prayer. So I settled in and I was all, "Let's pray the Lord's Prayer!"
And He said, "Why, little one? Why should we do that?"
I was taken aback. After all, that's the prayer He Himself taught! So I told Him, because we had the night before, and it had been a really great experience, so shouldn't we repeat the experience?
"Why do you think that, little one?" He asked me again.
I was floored. I realized that I had been about to set up a ritual. I thought sadly of all those nights I'd knelt down by the side of the bed, folded my hands, and prayed by rote and then got up feeling almost as guilty and ineffective as I'd had before I'd prayed.
How sadly and unnecessarily empty that had been, I had known it was even then. And yet, I had been chained by my guilt to that position, and to those words. Even when I stopped doing it, I felt guilty. Even when I knew by faith, and sometimes experience, that Christ was with me in every moment, I still felt guilty for not "formally" or ritually praying.
It reminded me of when He went up the mountain, and was transfigured, and is talking to Moses and Elijah. And Peter, babbling in fear, says, "This is awesome! This is great! Let's set up little houses (booths, tents) for each of you!" (I paraphrase, of course.)
Peter doesn't end up doing that, of course, because he follows Jesus down the mountain.
I realized that no matter how great the last moment was, it's better to stay with Jesus than hang back and build a little monument to the past, or to celebrate it with a little ritual. Peter could have built a little house as an act of love and worship, but Jesus wouldn't have been living in it. He would have been out and about, doing His work amid the people.
Who knew that following Christ would actually contain so much living, breathing freedom?
"The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.
Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life.
Romans 8:4-5, The Message
I don't want it to go back to normal. I never want it to. But I could write a blog about how Keith and I went to the Aquarium, and it was the first time he ever saw a shark.
...or I could blog about how God told me to take a jacket with me.
How do you know it was God? you may well ask. Well, I talk to myself so much, believe me, I know the sound of my own voice. And He's been talking to me so much lately that I'm getting really good at recognizing His. Besides, as His sheep, we know His voice and will follow Him, but the voice of a stranger we will run from.
Did I take the jacket? No. I was all, I'm fine! It's warm out. But that's sweet of you.
Guess what? Big surprise- Atlanta was cold.
Was He angry? Not at all. He was with me just the same, only I was cold. But I've been amazed to realize how practical He is. He cares about the stuff of daily life.
Sometimes I think, I must be boring Him, or that He must be getting tired of constantly being drawn into my internal dialogue.
So I checked in on that. Immediately He said that His thoughts toward me were so vast they were beyond counting and I wasn't tiring Him out in the least.
How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
Psalm 139:17-18
So, last night, I decided I should pray the Lord's Prayer. So I settled in and I was all, "Let's pray the Lord's Prayer!"
And He said, "Why, little one? Why should we do that?"
I was taken aback. After all, that's the prayer He Himself taught! So I told Him, because we had the night before, and it had been a really great experience, so shouldn't we repeat the experience?
"Why do you think that, little one?" He asked me again.
I was floored. I realized that I had been about to set up a ritual. I thought sadly of all those nights I'd knelt down by the side of the bed, folded my hands, and prayed by rote and then got up feeling almost as guilty and ineffective as I'd had before I'd prayed.
How sadly and unnecessarily empty that had been, I had known it was even then. And yet, I had been chained by my guilt to that position, and to those words. Even when I stopped doing it, I felt guilty. Even when I knew by faith, and sometimes experience, that Christ was with me in every moment, I still felt guilty for not "formally" or ritually praying.
It reminded me of when He went up the mountain, and was transfigured, and is talking to Moses and Elijah. And Peter, babbling in fear, says, "This is awesome! This is great! Let's set up little houses (booths, tents) for each of you!" (I paraphrase, of course.)
Peter doesn't end up doing that, of course, because he follows Jesus down the mountain.
I realized that no matter how great the last moment was, it's better to stay with Jesus than hang back and build a little monument to the past, or to celebrate it with a little ritual. Peter could have built a little house as an act of love and worship, but Jesus wouldn't have been living in it. He would have been out and about, doing His work amid the people.
Who knew that following Christ would actually contain so much living, breathing freedom?
"The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.
Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life.
Romans 8:4-5, The Message
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